You said you didn’t want to host. Of course they made other plans. I would think that if they often spend with you, they would go with the in laws.

You could have catered from Whole Foods.

I plan to host Thanksgiving every year. My kids will always be welcome.

Anonymous wrote:Can't people share the cooking? Pot luck? Its one meal.

Lots of people do not allow other dishes. I’m not a fan of potlucks but this is one meal I think should be a potluck. Lots of people grow up with an absolute favorite dish that makes the meal and thanksgiving isn’t the same at others homes.

I have brought dishes and they weren’t served on Thanksgiving. We only ever can go to my in-laws though because the day after is a can’t miss event for everyone in their town. Dh hasn’t ever missed it and it means so much to them I have never gone to my family’s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

Dp. I think it’s even more than that. Many adult children don’t want their parents around for the holidays, but feel obligated to come if invited.

This. Yes it's an effort to host, but it's also an effort to travel with kids. It's pay to play on both sides.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take this as a lesson in being more direct.

If you wanted one of them to host, ask "does someone else want to host?"

How old are the grandkids? If they are in school or day care, so much of vacationing and travel revolves around that calendar. It's hard and expensive. Maybe they're seizing an opportunity to take a trip for less money or stress. As for the other family spending it with your DIL's family, you can't fault them for that really.

Or she can offer to babysit while parents take a short trip right before or after TG.

So I realize OP will hate this but grandparents that babysit get more access to everything. My dh will do anything for my parents because they babysit one week a year. When they ask for his help patching drywall or cutting down trees, he always says it’s worth it and brings up the babysitting. He’s a kind son in law and would do it regardless but he loves that babysitting. It’s also great for our marriage.

Grandparents should realize they need to be useful in order to be appreciated! This is relationships 101! They are not friends who are appreciated just so; not kids who are loved just so. Get busy or miss that play time with grandkids

OP here, thank you, I’m taking in your great points. I think a year off might be a good thing, then I can hopefully regroup with them another holiday.

I mean what did you expect?
Create a new plans for the holidays with your husband..

Travel
Eat out at a restaurant

Either way enjoy your new norm

Can't people share the cooking? Pot luck? Its one meal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take this as a lesson in being more direct.

If you wanted one of them to host, ask "does someone else want to host?"

How old are the grandkids? If they are in school or day care, so much of vacationing and travel revolves around that calendar. It's hard and expensive. Maybe they're seizing an opportunity to take a trip for less money or stress. As for the other family spending it with your DIL's family, you can't fault them for that really.

Or she can offer to babysit while parents take a short trip right before or after TG.

So I realize OP will hate this but grandparents that babysit get more access to everything. My dh will do anything for my parents because they babysit one week a year. When they ask for his help patching drywall or cutting down trees, he always says it’s worth it and brings up the babysitting. He’s a kind son in law and would do it regardless but he loves that babysitting. It’s also great for our marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

In many cases yes. Most young working parents who get maybe 2-3 weeks leave/year (half of which is eaten up by kids being sick, school closures etc) don’t want to use up their precious remaining leave cleaning and cooking to host grandparents for a holiday meal and can’t afford to cater or take everyone out to a restaurant.

Some people just can't be pleased. They don't want to host or be hosted.

Correction: they don’t want to host you, and they don’t want to be hosted by you.

Generally it's polite to reciprocate hosting. But manners are rare here.

They had offered just not this year.

Frankly I think it’s rude OP always hosted instead of alternating or offering to alternate with DILs. Once children marry they should at least be offered. I love to host and wish I could have the chance. I host my own family often but my in-laws have never let me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

Dp. I think it’s even more than that. Many adult children don’t want their parents around for the holidays, but feel obligated to come if invited.

Anonymous wrote:Take this as a lesson in being more direct.

If you wanted one of them to host, ask "does someone else want to host?"

How old are the grandkids? If they are in school or day care, so much of vacationing and travel revolves around that calendar. It's hard and expensive. Maybe they're seizing an opportunity to take a trip for less money or stress. As for the other family spending it with your DIL's family, you can't fault them for that really.

Or she can offer to babysit while parents take a short trip right before or after TG.

I am going to be the perfect MIL! I hate hosting, I don’t care if I am home alone (don’t feel lonely), my future DIL can have all the holidays she wants!

Anonymous wrote:Well, now you blew it. New Thanksgiving tradition of everyone doing what they want. Enjoy your no work but lonely Thanksgiving.

I am sure they were secretly relieved too!

People who start talking about Thanksgiving plans in June stress me out! On the other hand, as a daughter and DIL, if I saw an opening to opt out in November 2026, I’d take it and never look back!

I mean, did you ever actually teach your sons how to host? Most men are clueless on how to host a holiday unless they've specifically been taught.

And your DILs should not have to host their husband's family.