Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just spend more money on your kids now, knowing you will inherit from her in the next 1-16 years? Once I got a peek into the size of my parents' estate and trust documents, I stopped saving so aggressively. They're not big on gifting now, but I know I will inherit enough from them that I don't need to stress about end-of-life care for myself or leaving a legacy for my kids (they'll eventually get what I get).

This is a somewhat dangerous plan. And people should stop pressuring their parents, who don't know how long they will live or whether they will get sick, to disperse their assets. But Grandma should also shut down her offers if she isn't going to follow through.

+1

My own parents (sort of) had this plan. Probably a lesser amount of $ than is being discussed here, yet substantial. Well: my grandpa passed away (mom’s father), then grandma remarried quickly. She died first. He changed the trust when she was very ill. The inheritance ended up going to HIS kids. Battled in court for no abail and my mom was bitter about it for the rest of her life.

Also end of life care can eat up a lot of $$$, yes. But these elderly remarriage scenarios seem common too.

Anonymous wrote:Can you just spend more money on your kids now, knowing you will inherit from her in the next 1-16 years? Once I got a peek into the size of my parents' estate and trust documents, I stopped saving so aggressively. They're not big on gifting now, but I know I will inherit enough from them that I don't need to stress about end-of-life care for myself or leaving a legacy for my kids (they'll eventually get what I get).

This is a somewhat dangerous plan. And people should stop pressuring their parents, who don't know how long they will live or whether they will get sick, to disperse their assets. But Grandma should also shut down her offers if she isn't going to follow through.

Anonymous wrote:Could it be that she wants you to ask/beg?

For instance, my in-laws will only help when we request it. I was raised to never ask for help, so we never ask my in-laws for anything. Which my in-laws are disappointed with. In-laws are even jealous of the extra time my parents get. Dh refuses to ask them. My parents step in immediately and always offer, which we always accept.

You seem kind of rigid.

Rough stuff, PP. I'm sorry you've had to go through all that. Detachment definitely is the best option.

OP I am glad she seems to be willing to follow through. It sounds different than my experience, but I will share mine in case your mom never follows through.

My mother did this all the time. She inherited money and dad made big money. I would have said she was generous even though the money rarely happened or came with strings and stress, but I needed to convince myself the problem must be me.I didn't want to cause friction between her and dad by letting him know the offer they both made never happened.

When I got married she gave me the same options her parents gave her-we''ll pay for a wedding or give you the money toward a home or furniture and we will pay for the honeymoon. So generous-but it didn't happen. We took the latter. I got a great deal on the honeymoon and she changed her mind. No big deal, we could afford it. For furnishing the home, she needed to approve everything and even then, it was hard to get her to part with the money so we stopped after a sofa and paid for it ourselves to keep the peace. I sent a long thank you note and thanked her often for the sofa, but no thank you was ever enough.

There have been so many offers since then that when I finally gently asked, I got a guilt trip and a "how dare you!" I kept the peace by saying "thank you" and accepting the offers would not materialize.

Then came the threats. I was helping her a lot as dad became ill with cancer and then had to back away for a bit when DH had a health issue. That's when the threats started coming about the inheritance. Luckily, I knew no matter how much she promised, I should plan well so we were fine. I made it clear she can do whatever she wants with her money, but I don't want to hear any more threats.

I eventually found out she funded all sorts of things for my sister and her kids. No dysfunctional dance either, just insisting on paying and actually doing it.

I could go on with so many stories, but what helped me was to detach. I will not engage about money anymore with her. When she tries to manipulate me into doing more for her, I remind myself of how I decreased my work hours to help her and I have a right to earn my own money and she can hire someone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this too. She offered to help buy my child a car and then when the time came to buy a car, no offers came to the table or money. I don’t know if they forget, or if they say it and don’t realize how much people need help so it’s not a big deal to them? I can’t figure it out because I offered money to someone, I would be paying them right away. It would be on my mind until I did.

OP do you have siblings? How do they handle it?

I don't ask my sibling because I don't want to open up that can of worms. But I did speak with my mom last night about it all, and she said that she does need more clarity from me sometimes. So I have a better idea of how to move forward.

That's good news!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave the woman alone and don't talk to her about money.

Yes. Greedy kids and grandkids. So horrible.

You've misunderstood, perhaps intentionally. But that's fine.

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this too. She offered to help buy my child a car and then when the time came to buy a car, no offers came to the table or money. I don’t know if they forget, or if they say it and don’t realize how much people need help so it’s not a big deal to them? I can’t figure it out because I offered money to someone, I would be paying them right away. It would be on my mind until I did.

OP do you have siblings? How do they handle it?

I don't ask my sibling because I don't want to open up that can of worms. But I did speak with my mom last night about it all, and she said that she does need more clarity from me sometimes. So I have a better idea of how to move forward.

My mom is like this too. She offered to help buy my child a car and then when the time came to buy a car, no offers came to the table or money. I don’t know if they forget, or if they say it and don’t realize how much people need help so it’s not a big deal to them? I can’t figure it out because I offered money to someone, I would be paying them right away. It would be on my mind until I did.

OP do you have siblings? How do they handle it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave the woman alone and don't talk to her about money.

Yes. Greedy kids and grandkids. So horrible.

This!

Has she set up a trust? I would ask her to focus on that so you don’t end up with estate taxes

My stepmom is the same. Vague assurances of “help” for education costs but never follows through, and will mention that “I should go ahead and pass on some of the assets now” but never follows through. We are ok without so I just ignore it. I chalk it up to a combination of inertia/ not wanting to deal with the administration part of it and an internal conflict between wanting to be generous and being afraid at some level of running out of money.

My mother in law (recently widowed) exactly the same. We may face a really high tax bill, as we did last year, because we sold a lot of stock to buy a new house. She and my late father in law were always pushing, pushing us to get a new place closer to them. We finally did, and didn’t ask for any help. This year I made my husband ask her since drops so many hints. I think she says she’ll give us $20k, but so far, crickets. She also says she’d like to help us buy a car for our teen… and then drops it.

Anonymous wrote:Leave the woman alone and don't talk to her about money.

Yes. Greedy kids and grandkids. So horrible.

The best is to have a 3-way meeting between you, her, and your financial advisor. The fact that you use the same one makes this really easy. Once the financial advisor has explained what he thinks should happen and why, your mom may feel more comfortable with letting some money go. As others have said, it doesn't look like she was in charge of the money for the majority of her lifetime, so such decisions are difficult to make, as your dad made all the decisions.