Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and thank you for all your replies. I did write 2025 in error.

I really appreciate the variety of opinions and I need to read through them again when I have a minute at work.

She did just apply for an on-campus job as another avenue for connecting with other students. I'm proud of her for trying. I think she finds out about this next week and I really hope it works out. There were 6 positions and she applied to be one of the 6. Surely, they will take her? It's just been such a string of rejection after rejection and every opportunity (each club, fraternity, sorority, job) has required multiple interviews, often essays, etc. Another club app is due tonight and it's 6 essays for an outside chance of being chosen by the current students. It gets exhausting.

I'll probably write to the Office of student affairs if she does leave. I'll do this very kindly but I'd like to share her story.

Fingers crossed for your DD. Sending good wishes. Has she looked into COB for rush?

Application nation (AN) does transfer app counseling - though you are a bit late. They will help (it was an amazing asset for my kid and DC got into a much better social fit school mentioned in a few posts here). Email them for help if your budget permits?
They will take care of everything.

https://shop.saraharberson.com/products/transfer-package

My son is a freshman, and he knows three kids that transferred after first semester. One on his floor, one from high school and another was one of his teammates.

Clubs are not easy these days. Especially ones that are business related.

Anonymous wrote:Could you try calling her counselor at the school to discuss this?

No, they're 18 an older. Don't do this.

I'm the OP and thank you for all your replies. I did write 2025 in error.

I really appreciate the variety of opinions and I need to read through them again when I have a minute at work.

She did just apply for an on-campus job as another avenue for connecting with other students. I'm proud of her for trying. I think she finds out about this next week and I really hope it works out. There were 6 positions and she applied to be one of the 6. Surely, they will take her? It's just been such a string of rejection after rejection and every opportunity (each club, fraternity, sorority, job) has required multiple interviews, often essays, etc. Another club app is due tonight and it's 6 essays for an outside chance of being chosen by the current students. It gets exhausting.

I'll probably write to the Office of student affairs if she does leave. I'll do this very kindly but I'd like to share her story.

Anonymous wrote:It’s also worth keeping in mind that kids dump to their moms. That is, she calls you and she’s the most miserable to tell you how miserable she is. It doesn’t mean she’s completely miserable all the time. I think you remind her that she’s doing the right things and reinforce her autonomy to change her situation- by transferring or taking a semester off or going abroad or whatever.

This is such a helpful reminder. I sometimes get exhausted by the moments of negativity from my daughter, even though she really loves where she goes to school, is involved, has friends, and is generally a very happy and positive person. There are times when something doesn't go her way and I am the soft place to land as her Mom. And I always want to be. But it can be really exhausting. My friend (who also has adult kids) and I often share that after a call like this, we will sometimes worry for a couple of days about our kids and continue to think of ways we can support them and then the next time we talk to our kids, they have long forgotten about what it was that upset them. As parents, we sometimes carry that weight that was really just a bad day.

My freshman daughter had 8 hs girlfriends hanging out over winter break and they go to 8 different schools. (From ivy to t30 to flagships). The chatter and concern was all about social stuff and finding their place. Many common stories. All the girls seemed OK but definitely agreed it was more work than they expected and required an adjustment of expectations. The girls at flagships seemed a bit more settled by december bc they had rush in the fall. The girls who were about to go through rush in january definitely expressed anxiety about the unknown outcome of the process. I told my kid beforehand that settling into college can take time. But i think social media messaging sends the unrealistic message that college is super fun and immediately perfect. And if they are not having that experience, it can make kids feel sad and isolated. My kid is doing well but they have gotten better at being proactive, trying new things and accepting that rejection is disappointing but part of life. I dont want my kid to be unhappy but resilience is an important life skill.

I transferred. My freshman year experience was infuriating from a social standpoint. I had a depressed, mean roommate, there were safety issues with drunk men in my dorm, and I was unsatisfied with the liberal arts college and honors program.

What helped a lot during the year was taking an active interest in my classes and going to office hours. There were at least 3 professors who made me feel seen. My Western History professor gave me a book off his shelf to keep. My English professor knew about my plans to transfer and discussed them with me and gave me advice about grad school. My Social Psychology professor was a really good prof who had lots of insights about people that I still remember. I was in two choirs and although nobody particularly reached out to me, making the music was a beautiful experience.

Transferring wasn't perfect. But the kids around me we were a better fit. More respect for the liberal arts. Humbler and less spoiled. I was delighted to get a single after a spending a year with a bad roommate. I joined a smaller choir and met my husband. I'm still sorry I didn't start there my freshman year.

This was a flagship to flagship move, maybe a slight step down in prestige. It was closer to home although I didn't go home much.

My feedback to you is that it's good to have options but also to be open-eyed.

Maybe your daughter needs to keep looking at EC's. Maybe she could put out a call for roommates for a shared apartment for next year, etc.

Keep in mind that things go very similarly when you move out of home/away and take a first job. That can also be isolating. And it takes time to reassemble a community around yourself.

Our middle kid had a similar experience her freshman year at a big T50 minus the rushing part. It was further exacerbated by dealing with significant anxiety and depression and lots of medication issues. She was completely miserable after first semester so we all agreed she could transfer but she had to keep putting the effort in.
She made some inroads second semester but was still unhappy. She transferred the following fall and is graduating this spring. It wasn't an easy process and the first year at the new school was very transitional but eventually she landed on her feet, and is thriving today.
Your DC will likely find their footing where they are. Finding the right niche usually leads to finding the right people. In our daughter's case, she associated her first school with panic attacks and misery that seemed insurmountable even as she began to navigate it better.
Wishing your student, and you, some grace and better days ahead. Hang in there.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a smaller setting would be better for her.

That's what I was thinking too. Sounds like she's lost in a big crowd and needs a smaller campus.

Anonymous wrote:OP, another option for connecting could be an on campus job. I met a lot of people working the campus coffee cart, both student coworkers and student purchasers. People also recognized me and would approach me in other settings because they'd bought coffee from me.

This is really great advice!!

Yes she should consider transferring but it’s not clear why the school is not a good fit. WHY is she not clicking with other students? What are the differences? Why is she not being accepted? Until she can articulate what needs to be different from the current environment, it’s really hard to determine where she should apply to. Certain schools attract certain types of students (for better or worse). Are the students snobs and she needs them more down to earth? Are the students so different from her upbringing that she has nothing in common with them? Would changing dorms open her up to different types of students? Is the school too small or too big?

I went to school at a large Midwest public university. There was a girl on the floor of my dorm from Boston who was really unhappy and not making friends. Many of the students on our floor happened to be from the local area and often went home on weekends. She also didn’t share a lot in common with them. She transferred to a different dorm that had more out of state students and her problem was solved. Didn’t require a change of schools but a dorm environment with more students with similar backgrounds.

t30 = one of the southern flagships? UNC, UVA, UF, UT? The large schools can be hard to adjust to but generally it's a matter of time.

Could it be a situation where most peers are from private schools and this person was not? I am interested in knowing for my own future student.

Kudos to the OP for not divulging the school. That said, I would do a deep dive on the school’s Facebook page as well as Reddit to gauge this school’s inclusive scene. Maybe she is in a bad dorm or generally, the school doesn’t do September freshman activities. Some dorms don’t allow open doors due to fire safety. As others have said, it sounds like a bad fit. Too much money to invest in another year. Let her apply. Good luck to her.

OP, another option for connecting could be an on campus job. I met a lot of people working the campus coffee cart, both student coworkers and student purchasers. People also recognized me and would approach me in other settings because they'd bought coffee from me.