Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The conversations and actions for eldercare needs to happen and put in place in the 50s and 60s. Otherwise they feel loss of control.

This is what I’ve been thinking too. If you have a preference on how you want it to be when you’re retired, organize this lifestyle now. Move where you want to be. 70+ is when executive function starts to give in

+1. It's also too late to establish any community in your new place if you move in your 70s. My mom wants to move near us and I don't feel comfortable being her only social support. She isn't a "joiner" and she would be leaving several lifelong friends from her current hometown, as well as all of her doctors, familiar routines, etc. I asked her to move closer (at least part-time) over a decade ago, and no interest was shown in that idea. Moving her now and finding her all new doctors and being the only person she knows in her old age feels overwhelming to me at this point, as selfish as that sounds. This step needs to happen earlier or incrementally (ie a part-time place that you eventually downsize to full-time).

I disagree with it being too late. My parents, in their late 80s, just moved to a retirement community. It's been wonderful for their social lives as people there are very friendly and eager to meet the new folks. They are asked to dinner about 4x a week in the dining room and see people throughout the day. It's been great. And with my dad's Alzheimer's, my mom is grateful to have other people nearby and an immediate outlet for when she needs to get out of their apartment.

That's great to hear! Not all parents, especially in their 70s, are willing to move to a community with supports (I'm making the assumption that the retirement community is a form of AL). My parent wants to buy a condo in a city. They weren't going to meet anyone that way, based on what I know about them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The conversations and actions for eldercare needs to happen and put in place in the 50s and 60s. Otherwise they feel loss of control.

This is what I’ve been thinking too. If you have a preference on how you want it to be when you’re retired, organize this lifestyle now. Move where you want to be. 70+ is when executive function starts to give in

+1. It's also too late to establish any community in your new place if you move in your 70s. My mom wants to move near us and I don't feel comfortable being her only social support. She isn't a "joiner" and she would be leaving several lifelong friends from her current hometown, as well as all of her doctors, familiar routines, etc. I asked her to move closer (at least part-time) over a decade ago, and no interest was shown in that idea. Moving her now and finding her all new doctors and being the only person she knows in her old age feels overwhelming to me at this point, as selfish as that sounds. This step needs to happen earlier or incrementally (ie a part-time place that you eventually downsize to full-time).

I disagree with it being too late. My parents, in their late 80s, just moved to a retirement community. It's been wonderful for their social lives as people there are very friendly and eager to meet the new folks. They are asked to dinner about 4x a week in the dining room and see people throughout the day. It's been great. And with my dad's Alzheimer's, my mom is grateful to have other people nearby and an immediate outlet for when she needs to get out of their apartment.

My screen froze so could not edit. I meant parents putting adult children under needless pressure. How they can’t see that getting help
especially if they can afford it will help them live as they choose for longer in many cases. We are likely more aware of what we need as we have a daughter who resides with us with a cognitive disability. Currently it is to track down a snow removal service for next year after the winter we have had!

One aspect in planning options in considering a CCRC is to clearly ask how many are on the waiting list. I was speechless to learn from a new arrival to our area that the prime one folks talk about she was told had over 600! This really changes the options for so many as there is limited area to expand number of units. Few want to leave their lovely IL units to go to AL so bring in help as needed. It is just important to get figures and policy.

We are your folks age and years ago got a wonderful person to one once a month from a friend who was at a much higher income level and general wealth level. Now she cone with her MIL to help out every other week. It takes the heavy side of housework out.
You could easily put financial and legal papers in a locked file drawer and if there is jewelry if value in a small safe. It is too bad when parents out adukt children under so much

Hi OP I feel your pain. My dad is really failing but either he or my stepmother or both (its unclear) refuse to consider help. He's fallen 4-5 times now in the past few months and he is so phyiscally incapacitated cannot get up by himself, and she can't pick him up (she's 80 and about 90 lbs) so they call a neighbor or the fire department to help pick him up. He's had two recent seizures, uses a walker/shuffles, and was recently in the icu and rehab for a month, and generally is in poor health.

the issues not not money--they have tons of it. She doesn't like people in her house at all (including us-we have always stayed in hotels when we visit), she thinks they will mess up her stuff. They have grudgingly put grab bars in the bathroom but the house is still really cluttered so it's hard to navigate and its unclear whether my dad is using his walker appropriately. She also complains however that my sibling doesn't do enough to help (probably true, but my dad hasnt' exactly been there for us for the years...). Of course they refuse to consider assisted living, so basically, one of these days my dad will fall again and go to the hospital again, and maybe he will, or maybe he wont, come out. I've begged them to consider at least 4 hours a day--someone who could help my dad shower, tidy up, maybe bring in the garbage, etc, and also be with him when she wants to go out...but at a certain point, they've made their bed. I've already been the prime caretaker for my mom (who did move to AL and then MC near me), I only have so much energy now. My dad at one point said maybe he should go to AL but then she shot it down, however she gets angry at him for his incapacity, and its just all hard to watch.

How long have your parents owned their home? Would there be a huge profit on it. After my mom passed I realized one reason she didn't want to sell her home was because of the capital gains she would have had to pay. She was also overwhelmed by the vast amount of stuff accumulated in her home.