Are you dad?
Anyways, he needs to drop the girlfriend.

Anonymous wrote:Other than frats, what groups has he joined? What are his non academic interests? He will be unhappy anywhere if he doesn't put himself out there.

This. Putting aside that he needs to break up with her (he does)…he needs to figure himself out and get a life. If he doesn’t actually think a frat would be fun he shouldn’t just join one because it’s the easy option. Maybe he should get a job.

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if his girlfriend is helping him grow or if she is restricting him. Ask him if he thinks she trusts him enough, if their relationship has a solid foundation not of need but of mutual support and respect and encouragement. Ask him if he feels free to make his own decisions, even after a mature discussion with his GF in which they don’t agree.

He needs to join more clubs and activities. What’s his major? Are there clubs relevant to that?

Every now and then a DCUM poster delivers solid advice. Thank you.

Is he an adult or a child. If he is 18+ then stay out of it.

Ask him if his girlfriend is helping him grow or if she is restricting him. Ask him if he thinks she trusts him enough, if their relationship has a solid foundation not of need but of mutual support and respect and encouragement. Ask him if he feels free to make his own decisions, even after a mature discussion with his GF in which they don’t agree.

He needs to join more clubs and activities. What’s his major? Are there clubs relevant to that?

Anonymous wrote:#Boymoms tend to see GFs or wives as the default problem. Sometimes they are right but often wrong, problem lies elsewhere.

Boymom here. The GF was definitely an issue but I worked with him on dealing with it by setting boundaries and expectations with her. That was him needing to work on himself and he did.

Whole college journey isn't smooth. There are bumps so just give warmth and comfort and a listening ear so they can figure out how to figure it out and proceed forward. Put helicopters and bulldozers down and let them become resilient.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good Luck with things. We went through things with my DS his freshman year - everything similar but without the jealous girlfriend.

He was going to rush first semester and started to do so, but then decided not to continue. Unfortunately, he was not able to do so 2nd semester which really set him up for a poor semester. We should have been more aware as parents, but we weren't.

He ended up dropping 3 of 5 classes and is home now working and going to community college. It's working out ok, but I realize now we would have been more supportive when he was struggling.

Why did he drop classes? Was he doing poorly the whole year?

PP about son who dropped classes. He did fine his first semester and then got into a bad situation with and didn't/couldn't/wouldn't talk us about it and we missed the clues. So, he made the decision to drop the courses. Like I said, he's home now, working and talking CC courses. Things are going better, but we could have been more with it as parents.

Anonymous wrote:#Boymoms tend to see GFs or wives as the default problem. Sometimes they are right but often wrong, problem lies elsewhere.

I'm a PP who stated my DS had similar issues.

I have both a DD and DS, and said the exact same things to both kids - that seeing your s/o frequently while going off to different colleges that are far away is hard on the social life, and that if you break up, you will have no friend group to lean on.

Has nothing to do with being a boy mom.

My son's told me.. "you sold us on this BS best time of our life story but left out all the stress and terrible times" which did not prepare us for college.

LOLZ

they are not wrong, though I did tell them there will be failing classes, pregnant friends, drug issues, alcoholics, arrests. I forgot about plain old loneliness and stress.

Loneliness is normal and you need to build a "muscle" to deal with Loneliness. He needs to find distractions to the loneliness.

#Boymoms tend to see GFs or wives as the default problem. Sometimes they are right but often wrong, problem lies elsewhere.

Short answer: he needs to focus more on his social life at college at not his GF or what she wants.

It's unfair of her to tell him what to do when his social life is suffering.

This was my DS freshman/sophomore year. They had some friends, but weren't close because he spent a lot of time seeing his GF who was a few hours away. I told him going into college that trying to see each other so much was not a good idea because he would not be able to make close friends at college, and I was right. He never really got plugged into a group of friends, and instead, relied on his HS friends who weren't even that close to him.

He did everything he could to see her, but unfortunately she also made demands on him that meant he couldn't spend as much time with friends. In the end, she broke up with him, and he didn't know how to handle it. His so called friend group also weren't as sympathetic to him, so that friendship group also left him.

He had a horrible last few months of sophomore year. But, he said he learned a lot from the experience, and he found another group, and he said this year (junior), he's had the best time of his life. He also had amazing internships out of state and another one coming up. At least he had his head on straight enough to not turned down internships over the summer that meant he wouldn't see his GF much. IMO, that cemented her desire to breakup because she expected him to spend the summer with her.

He realizes now that she was controlling, and breaking up was the best thing for him, though it was difficult at the time.

If my DS could talk to your DS he would tell him to drop the GF if she's being demanding like this. Otherwise, he will only continue to suffer.

Unfortunately, kids never listen to the parent, and they have to learn by making their own mistakes. We just have to support them best we can even though we see them making these mistakes.

GL

Is it a college in a cold area, seasonal depression is a thing there.

Anonymous wrote:It was implied but of course I could be mistaken. That wasn't my intent. I'm sorry!

Thank you for apologizing! All I said (to him and here) is that he should go and meet all the frats and see, with an open mind and clear questions about drinking and hazing because the last thing he needs to do is to fake being a certain kind of kid to belong (and he's not a drinker or partier at all so that rules some/not sure how many out). He said the frats seem like an easier way to do that because they get to really know each other more than let's say once a week at a club, but my message really has been to tell him to go and try out clubs as well. Ultimately all I want is for him to feel like he has a good social life and balance and some sense of belonging and happiness. Whether that happens at chess club, run club or at a frat as long as he feels comfortable and safe is not my call to make.

He should reach out to college counselor as they deal with these issues all the time. Our assumptions and anecdotes won't help as much. Good luck to him and you both. Its tough to see your kid struggling.