Anonymous wrote:

If your lawyer thinks you will actually get that money - then sure, it’s a simple cost-benefit analysis. I would pay $100,000 to get $3 mil.

Not OP – but my case is super complicated

Ex is offering nothing. Judge will come up with something between zero dollars and 5 million no guarantees at all except that zero fairly unlikely. And I need to decide what to do next.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:where does mediation cost $1-3M. You can have a few sessions of mediation and the mediator would decide if it is working or not.

That’s what mediation is going to cost me if I agree to what my jerk of an ex is offering. Two rounds so far and no progress. Would you go to court over a couple million bucks?

If your lawyer thinks you will actually get that money - then sure, it’s a simple cost-benefit analysis. I would pay $100,000 to get $3 mil.

Anonymous wrote:With regards to child custody and the child’s preference, even in states that have specific ages for judges to consider the child’s wishes, it’s seems it’s still a judicial discretion issue. You might get a judge who listens to every child who comes through the door and considers their stated preferences seriously, and others who won’t talk to anyone who’s under 18. My research (because I’m concerned about this, too) suggests that it’s luck of the draw, which is a terrible thing when you’re trying to understand your family’s future.

The context has to matter too. There is a big difference between a mature 14 year old who can testify to the judge that she loves her dad and wants to spend weekends with him, but that her school and extracurricular schedule would be easier to handle if she stays with mom 5 days a week. Along with a mom who appears to be a stable person who will support the relationship with dad.

As compared to a child that cannot articulate their rationale so clearly, and a mom who seems overly emotionally invested in being the only good parent.

Anonymous wrote:NP here - at what $$$ value WOULD you litigate? I see all these comments thrown out here like “it’s not worth it for under $10 million”. But personally, what would be worth litigating to you?

My narcissistic ex is difficult to mediate with because of his personality disorder and the associated issues. Mediation might cost me $1-3 million dollars (before legal fees). So what’s the actual line?

Not trying to hijack the thread, but this seems relevant for OP too.

This is a really good question and why this issue is much more complicated than “litigate v mediate.” At a certain point getting efficiently before a judge might save time and money vs endless mediation and settlement attempts.

I attempted to go a more non-adversarial route at first and it did nothing but cause stress and waste money because my ex is not reasonable or consistent at all and was just triggered by my reasonable requests. Would fight over the stupidest stuff but just accept the big stuff that I asked for. Would have temper tantrums when I wasn’t doing exactly what he wanted.

I never want to actually go to court, but we definitely would have saved time or money if I just had a lawyer write up a settlement and send it to his lawyer.

Anonymous wrote:It works if your ex uses common sense. When the outcome by a judge is pretty clearly prescribed, there is not much to fight over.

Well put.

Most people go into mediation in bad faith, hoping to gain leverage for a trial or one-sided settlement.

If both parties can go into mediation in good faith then they can settle it without paying a mediator.

Otherwise, if I had to choose money going to STBX or his/my lawyers, I'd choose the latter every time.

Anonymous wrote:NP here - at what $$$ value WOULD you litigate? I see all these comments thrown out here like “it’s not worth it for under $10 million”. But personally, what would be worth litigating to you?

My narcissistic ex is difficult to mediate with because of his personality disorder and the associated issues. Mediation might cost me $1-3 million dollars (before legal fees). So what’s the actual line?

Not trying to hijack the thread, but this seems relevant for OP too.

I’m the PP who made the $10m comment. Our STBXs may have similar problems. I think that if you mediate with a personality disorder, you need to be ready to give them tangible wins. You need attorney who understands this kind of mindset and how will impact your strategy.

Unfortunately I’m in a state that mandates mediation before trial so there’s an incentive for people to load up with a bunch of motions prior to mediation to set precedent with the intent that mediation will fail and precedent will be used to establish a status quo that may guide the outcome of the trial and settlement.

If I were in a state where mediation was optional or if I decided to convince STBX to pursue it as our man route towards settlement, I would definitely lose a lot of money just to make STBX feel like he was “winning” on other terms.

Our total net worth is probably $4m. In order to get agreeable custody terms and divide up certain assets in a way that makes the most sense for me tax-wise and for the long term given my lower earning potential, I would probably have to give up my share of equity from a vacation house and a specific brokerage account. For him to get those would make him think he was getting a big win over me, and I would probably have $1m less than him in the settlement, but I would get more that matters to me in the long term.

Mediate. Infidelity does not impact spousal or child support.

Anonymous wrote:where does mediation cost $1-3M. You can have a few sessions of mediation and the mediator would decide if it is working or not.

That’s what mediation is going to cost me if I agree to what my jerk of an ex is offering. Two rounds so far and no progress. Would you go to court over a couple million bucks?

where does mediation cost $1-3M. You can have a few sessions of mediation and the mediator would decide if it is working or not.

NP here - at what $$$ value WOULD you litigate? I see all these comments thrown out here like “it’s not worth it for under $10 million”. But personally, what would be worth litigating to you?

My narcissistic ex is difficult to mediate with because of his personality disorder and the associated issues. Mediation might cost me $1-3 million dollars (before legal fees). So what’s the actual line?

Not trying to hijack the thread, but this seems relevant for OP too.

Op, don't be stupid please. You would only litigate if you still have anger and resentment towards him cheating. Your marriage is done; take a loss and accept that it is happening and settle everything in mediation. You might have more leverage in litigation

Anonymous wrote:With regards to child custody and the child’s preference, even in states that have specific ages for judges to consider the child’s wishes, it’s seems it’s still a judicial discretion issue. You might get a judge who listens to every child who comes through the door and considers their stated preferences seriously, and others who won’t talk to anyone who’s under 18. My research (because I’m concerned about this, too) suggests that it’s luck of the draw, which is a terrible thing when you’re trying to understand your family’s future.

That's too bad. Seems like a mature 15/16 year old should be allowed to describe his life with an unstable parent and be heard. At that age it would probably be difficult to force a 16 yo to go to a house he/she doesn't want to be at.

Anonymous wrote:“Do you have proof? The burden of proof for adultery is really high.”

What is proof going to do for you? Courts don’t care. Just split the estate and custody 50/50 and move on.

It matters in Virginia and can affect alimony and asset division. But the burden of proof is EXTRAORDINARILY high. Like you need a PI with photos on multiple occasions.

In Virginia, adulty is actually a misdemeanor crime.

With regards to child custody and the child’s preference, even in states that have specific ages for judges to consider the child’s wishes, it’s seems it’s still a judicial discretion issue. You might get a judge who listens to every child who comes through the door and considers their stated preferences seriously, and others who won’t talk to anyone who’s under 18. My research (because I’m concerned about this, too) suggests that it’s luck of the draw, which is a terrible thing when you’re trying to understand your family’s future.