Similar to others: We did not live close enough to grandparents for them to help with regular childcare. Siblings did, and that was fine. Those same siblings have also been the ones to assist the parents more as they got elderly and needed help. Which seemed more than fair to us.

Anonymous wrote:The moral of the story is… the closer you live to your parents the more benefits you get (unless parents completely dysfunctional).
Move your parents to you or move closer to them the first chance you get. It’s also easier with eldercare later, as well as keeping an eye on family resources, fending off all kinds of scammers and opportunists.

What if your sibling lives on the other side of the country? Do you still get to unilaterally “move your patents to you”?

The moral of the story is… the closer you live to your parents the more benefits you get (unless parents completely dysfunctional).
Move your parents to you or move closer to them the first chance you get. It’s also easier with eldercare later, as well as keeping an eye on family resources, fending off all kinds of scammers and opportunists.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s usually the wife who decides and who knows if your DIL even wants you to watch the baby. Besides she has her own parents.

This is the typical boy mom thought. They always make sure they know that boys families come second to their daughters.

The real tension here IMO is with your DIL, not your son. Many would say of course, your daughter takes precedence over your DIL - and if your DIL is resentful, she isn't going to voice it. If it worries you, think about how you can nip this in the bud. I think a good faith effort here is to proactively offer that you will be available with some advance notice to help, you have already told your daughter that she needs a backup plan for those days, and that it is very important to you to spend a lot of time with your grandchild.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s usually the wife who decides and who knows if your DIL even wants you to watch the baby. Besides she has her own parents.

This is the typical boy mom thought. They always make sure they know that boys families come second to their daughters.

I don’t have a daughter. But I can totally see my DIL having clear ideas on how to raise her baby and not wanting me around (or only wanting me if I adhere to her strict guidelines). Which is fine, just needs to be acknowledged.

Anonymous wrote:Fair might mean watching grandkids for 9 days while parents go on vacation. Dh and I would do just about anything for my parents who give us this. It way more precious than daycare. Daycare is easy to get, overnight care is not.

I would also think that the local child will help you more. My grandparents watched my cousin who was local to them. My aunt helps me grandparents nonstop now.

We lived 2.5 hours from my parents when our kids were young. They grew up seeing G&G 2-3 weekends a month, and with them watching the kids for probably 2+ months total a year while we travelled/got away (husband travels a lot for work). Kids loved this, and are very close to their grandparents.
In return, we took G&G with us on several family vacations to places my parents would never have paid for themselves. Yes, they also watched the kids for a few dinners when we did that, but they loved it and didn't mind at all. They got multiple tropical vacations (including Hawaii for 21 days) and quality time with their grandkids. what more could you ask for.

It's easy to get away when you know the kids dont' really care that you are gone because G&G have arrived for 7-10 days.

Anonymous wrote:What does your son say when you ask him if he's upset about the imbalance? It may be moot.

Alternatively, you could offer to help pay the daycare bill (all or in part).

No, no no! Unless you are rich.

This is apples to oranges. One grandkid lives 10 mins away, the other an hour. If the Son/DIL want grandma to watch their kids, they need to move closer to grandma, or drive the kids to grandma daily.

It's not grandma's job to pay for daycare

Anonymous wrote:I've been the DS and I didn't have any resentment. The logistics of being further away made it perfectly reasonable. I did tell my sibling they needed to be prepared to take time off or have backup care on Fridays so that our parents didn't feel like they couldn't travel on weekends. As the kids got older and our parents got older, it also became apparent that the logistics work the same for aging parent care. My sibling got the benefit of free childcare but they are also doing the bulk of the driving to appointments, etc now for our parents.

My husband also thinks that his parents don’t need to do anything to help. He will ask my parents before he asks his to lift a finger.

Anonymous wrote:It’s usually the wife who decides and who knows if your DIL even wants you to watch the baby. Besides she has her own parents.

This is the typical boy mom thought. They always make sure they know that boys families come second to their daughters.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess there's no easy answer to what may not even be a problem.

Why not give overnight care to the other grandkid once a year?

Add me to the chorus of people who have been in your son’s position. My SIL is getting divorced and my ILs are supporting her, so there’s no resentment but we have seen them once since this arrangement began almost a year ago. We are all very worried about my SIL and the kids but if this goes on long term they will not have much relationship with our kids if any. This arrangement makes the other kids the priority, you will not have the freedom to see your son’s kids on a weekday as long as you are doing this. You will have to clear any vacation you take with your son’s family with your daughter. And you will be very very tired.

I would do this for the first year only. Unless you are very young and in great health you will not be up for 9 hours a day with a toddler. The grandparents I see watching 3 year olds look exhausted and default to handing them a phone A LOT. Daycare is actually pretty great for toddlers, especially if they don’t have a long day.

Anonymous wrote:I've been the DS and I didn't have any resentment. The logistics of being further away made it perfectly reasonable. I did tell my sibling they needed to be prepared to take time off or have backup care on Fridays so that our parents didn't feel like they couldn't travel on weekends. As the kids got older and our parents got older, it also became apparent that the logistics work the same for aging parent care. My sibling got the benefit of free childcare but they are also doing the bulk of the driving to appointments, etc now for our parents.

My parents moved near my sister while I was several states away. When they started regularly caring for her kids they stopped visiting us as frequently and I was disappointed about that. But I also recognized what PP said, my sister was going to take on all the elder care. Which she did, through my father's death and now our mom lives with her so she handles all the dt appointments, managing medications, finances, etc. In the long run it balances out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never watch any grandkid because I don't have the energy for it.

BUT, I am willing to pay for a nanny to come to my house and look after my grandkids, with DH and I supervising. After all, 2 of the 3 biggest cons of having a nanny are cost and supervision, and I would solve both.

If I was in the similar situation as OP (both ds and dd's children needed childcare and both kids were same age), then the nanny would take care of both babies with help from DH and I.

Very few nannies are going to take that job. Supervising grandparents? Total nightmare.

We have friends in our circle that have this exact arrangement for their grandkids. But, I can understand why it could be a nightmare for some.

Let's just say that we are from a different culture than the majority culture here and the nannies are also from the same culture as us. It just works for us.

Anonymous wrote:As the thread demonstrates, some folks are bean counters who would feel like this situation is unfair, and some folks aren’t. You know your kids better than we do—do you think your son is a bean counter who would feel slighted by this situation?

I agree with those who say this is a big favor and could be harder than you think. My mom did watch our kid full time when she was a newborn, and it was harder for her than either of us anticipated. For second kid, there was still a strong desire to help, but we dropped to one day of grandma babysitting a week. I found the daycare to be a lot better than I had worried it would be.

Plenty of posters have clearly described that it’s not about bean counting. It’s about putting in place a dynamic where a grandparent’s time and energy are so overwhelmingly monopolized by one grandchild- ie to the extent that it is their full time job- that the other grandchild and family end up becoming increasingly marginalized and distanced as a direct (if inadvertent) result.

As the thread demonstrates, some folks are bean counters who would feel like this situation is unfair, and some folks aren’t. You know your kids better than we do—do you think your son is a bean counter who would feel slighted by this situation?

I agree with those who say this is a big favor and could be harder than you think. My mom did watch our kid full time when she was a newborn, and it was harder for her than either of us anticipated. For second kid, there was still a strong desire to help, but we dropped to one day of grandma babysitting a week. I found the daycare to be a lot better than I had worried it would be.