Anonymous wrote:Read other threads. It is financial abuse to control what the non employed spouse spends. It is all family money and it doesn't matter who earns it.

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on the big picture. Is OP making $500k a year? What is their net worth? Could be that this is a nit-picky problem, or it could be causing financial ruin. We don't know without the full picture.

I find it odd that one spouse doesn't know the finances of the other - that makes me worried WRT goals like retirement and college, AND possible debt. Not sure that a pre-nup would get rid of that debt. The pre-nup bit is a marker too - either there is a LOT of money somewhere, or financial issues before they got married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not huge items but they add up. When I raise the topic, dh gets very defensive and insists these are ‘necessities’ and important for his ‘health’. It is really getting to me as I’m shouldering all the major expenses, and I don’t buy these things for myself. Since being laid off, dh is ‘consulting’ but makes very little.

We have one dc left at home and he now follows dh’s spending patterns.

Examples:
Almost daily smoothies that are $12+
Starbucks
Organic everything - milk, cream, meat, fruit.
Gym membership at pricey gym
Take out - and always with a large drink or two that they end up tossing
New clothing items that they deem ‘necessary’ - eg, new pricey athletic shoes once a season, new boots, etc.

Read “all your worth”. This type of purchases are annoying but are not changing the trajectory of your financial life.

You are the “avacado toast is why you can’t afford a house” camp right now. It’s noise and doesn’t really change anything.

Only exception would be what counts as “pricey” gym — is it close to $1000 /month like a car payment? I know that is one place it can get extreme.

I need new shoes every 6 months and I don’t exercise all the time — your DH might be with all his free time.

Totally disagree. All of those things easily count to 1k a month. 12k a year is like why you can’t afford a home. It’s shocking actually how much the little things add up.

+1 it's the spending habits, even if it's for Starbucks, that cause people to not be able to save. $500/month on gyms, smoothies, etc.. which are necessities is $500 you could be saving.

You have to have a saving mindset, not a spender mindset.

I honestly don't understand people who don't want to cut back even as one spouse has stopped working.

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on the big picture. Is OP making $500k a year? What is their net worth? Could be that this is a nit-picky problem, or it could be causing financial ruin. We don't know without the full picture.

I find it odd that one spouse doesn't know the finances of the other - that makes me worried WRT goals like retirement and college, AND possible debt. Not sure that a pre-nup would get rid of that debt. The pre-nup bit is a marker too - either there is a LOT of money somewhere, or financial issues before they got married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about it any more until you do the following. This worked for me.

Take on for 3 months in a row categorizing each dollar that is spent.

This is only for expenses incurred. This is not cashflow analysis, this is expenses.

Then, average them.

Then look at his income alone and compare it to that averaged expense.

Have a discussion about the actual numbers going in and coming out.

Maybe, there is enough money to do all of these things and also save but it "feels" too much to you.
Or maybe, there is not enough money to do all of these things.
Jointly decide on how much your budget can support for each person to have in spending money, then it's no questions asked for that. For the stuff that's in the middle figure out where you are willing to work together to reduce expenses (make the smoothie?).

My DH did this and while it was hard to hear, it was effective. He didn’t blame me. He just showed how much was being spent on each line item each month. At the very end, he gently pointed out that he was spending X on himself each month and I was spending Y. Now we each have an equal discretionary budget. If I want Starbucks, I get Starbucks. Each night, all expenses get logged into the Monarch app and assigned to a budget line. That Starbucks gets put under my discretionary budget. As long as I’m on budget, I get to spend how I want. If I buy the kids dinner at CFA, that goes on my discretionary budget. It might be different if you have a teen . Maybe this would work for your DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not huge items but they add up. When I raise the topic, dh gets very defensive and insists these are ‘necessities’ and important for his ‘health’. It is really getting to me as I’m shouldering all the major expenses, and I don’t buy these things for myself. Since being laid off, dh is ‘consulting’ but makes very little.

We have one dc left at home and he now follows dh’s spending patterns.

Examples:
Almost daily smoothies that are $12+
Starbucks
Organic everything - milk, cream, meat, fruit.
Gym membership at pricey gym
Take out - and always with a large drink or two that they end up tossing
New clothing items that they deem ‘necessary’ - eg, new pricey athletic shoes once a season, new boots, etc.

Read “all your worth”. This type of purchases are annoying but are not changing the trajectory of your financial life.

You are the “avacado toast is why you can’t afford a house” camp right now. It’s noise and doesn’t really change anything.

Only exception would be what counts as “pricey” gym — is it close to $1000 /month like a car payment? I know that is one place it can get extreme.

I need new shoes every 6 months and I don’t exercise all the time — your DH might be with all his free time.

Totally disagree. All of those things easily count to 1k a month. 12k a year is like why you can’t afford a home. It’s shocking actually how much the little things add up.

Anonymous wrote:Read other threads. It is financial abuse to control what the non employed spouse spends. It is all family money and it doesn't matter who earns it.

Anonymous wrote:We’re dual income and this would be an unacceptable level of spending. On occasion, it’s fine. On the regular, we would have a talk with each other. We have joint accounts and joint financial goals. We’re in this together and multiple $12 smoothies a week would not work for us.

Anonymous wrote:We’re dual income and this would be an unacceptable level of spending. On occasion, it’s fine. On the regular, we would have a talk with each other. We have joint accounts and joint financial goals. We’re in this together and multiple $12 smoothies a week would not work for us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about it any more until you do the following. This worked for me.

Take on for 3 months in a row categorizing each dollar that is spent.

This is only for expenses incurred. This is not cashflow analysis, this is expenses.

Then, average them.

Then look at his income alone and compare it to that averaged expense.

Have a discussion about the actual numbers going in and coming out.

Maybe, there is enough money to do all of these things and also save but it "feels" too much to you.
Or maybe, there is not enough money to do all of these things.
Jointly decide on how much your budget can support for each person to have in spending money, then it's no questions asked for that. For the stuff that's in the middle figure out where you are willing to work together to reduce expenses (make the smoothie?).

My DH did this and while it was hard to hear, it was effective. He didn’t blame me. He just showed how much was being spent on each line item each month. At the very end, he gently pointed out that he was spending X on himself each month and I was spending Y. Now we each have an equal discretionary budget. If I want Starbucks, I get Starbucks. Each night, all expenses get logged into the Monarch app and assigned to a budget line. That Starbucks gets put under my discretionary budget. As long as I’m on budget, I get to spend how I want. If I buy the kids dinner at CFA, that goes on my discretionary budget. It might be different if you have a teen . Maybe this would work for your DH.

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about it any more until you do the following. This worked for me.

Take on for 3 months in a row categorizing each dollar that is spent.

This is only for expenses incurred. This is not cashflow analysis, this is expenses.

Then, average them.

Then look at his income alone and compare it to that averaged expense.

Have a discussion about the actual numbers going in and coming out.

Maybe, there is enough money to do all of these things and also save but it "feels" too much to you.
Or maybe, there is not enough money to do all of these things.
Jointly decide on how much your budget can support for each person to have in spending money, then it's no questions asked for that. For the stuff that's in the middle figure out where you are willing to work together to reduce expenses (make the smoothie?).