NP and my DH’s job is his mistress. It gives him everything he wants: external validation, constant dopamine, an excuse to step out of tedious family life, etc. He chooses it over everything.

Anonymous wrote:OP, reading your responses, there's a lot more going on here than whether your DH brings stuff home for your kid.

You feel like he is shirking his responsibility to your family, and that includes you. You need to address this not as a specific thing about how he interacts with your kid on business trips, but about how his business travel (and likely other things) is impacting your perception of his commitment to your family, including your marriage.

This situation will get worse if you only address the symptom, your not liking how he interacts with your DD while he's traveling. I have a close friend who is on the brink of divorce, because after years of fights about his work travel they never addressed the real issue. His wife feels neglected and has lost trust that he cares. (FWIW, in her place I would too.) She also accused him of having an affair, which he did not (I know this for sure)...but now he will admit that for a decade+ he did have a mistress, his job. It's a really awful and painful situation to watch unfold, and you don't want to get there.

How? How do you know this for sure?

A paper coaster.

Cocktail napkin, stirrer, piece of notepaper, hotel postcard. These are usually in the room.

OP, reading your responses, there's a lot more going on here than whether your DH brings stuff home for your kid.

You feel like he is shirking his responsibility to your family, and that includes you. You need to address this not as a specific thing about how he interacts with your kid on business trips, but about how his business travel (and likely other things) is impacting your perception of his commitment to your family, including your marriage.

This situation will get worse if you only address the symptom, your not liking how he interacts with your DD while he's traveling. I have a close friend who is on the brink of divorce, because after years of fights about his work travel they never addressed the real issue. His wife feels neglected and has lost trust that he cares. (FWIW, in her place I would too.) She also accused him of having an affair, which he did not (I know this for sure)...but now he will admit that for a decade+ he did have a mistress, his job. It's a really awful and painful situation to watch unfold, and you don't want to get there.

Anonymous wrote:Wake up and smell the coffee. He’s having an affair.

Or he could be a checked out dad.

"...he said that he couldn’t text back and there are times when he is going to be with new partners and clients that he can’t talk to us."

Big red flag, OP.

He may be with a new partner, alright. But not a business partner.

I knew I was done and ready for divorce when my ex did not contact/check in with me after a family member's near death hospitalization, because he was so busy with work and then he topped it off by saying, "You're not exactly my top priority right now."

That did it for me.

IMHO your DH is demonstrating similar, but worse behavior because it's your daughter, not just you.

My husband was traveling for work this week with colleagues who have older kids and he thought they were honestly jealous he was trying to build in time to FaceTime with our kids; their kids are no longer all that excited to talk to them every day. Your husband will someday realize what a gift he’s throwing away.

I would forget about gifts etc. and focus on he should interact with her every day. A text or a email if he really can’t FaceTime due to time differences or flights. If he won’t do that he’s checked out of parenting in a way that would make me really worried.

How often are these trips?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once you start it is hard to stop. We've tried to build a life that is not about stuff so my husband only ever brought back a toiletry from the hotel or a bag of pretzels from the airplane. Sounds ridiculous, but my kids loved it when they were little. They also always liked to video chat with him and get a tour of his hotel room.

OP and I think that’s all my kid wants. Just tangible proof that they existed in his head while he was away. He used to bring teeny little rice cracker packs from flights to Japan or cocktail napkins with airline logos and that was enough to please her.

Have you told him this? He might not realize how much it means to her.

Oh yes. Many times. And he says “I don’t know how you expect me to remember every time” or “how am I supposed to have the time for that.” It’s fine for him to get defensive to me but to not be able to empathize with a kid…ugh.

Kids don’t need throw away napkins and junk from trips to know they are loved. OP is teaching DD that love only exists if receives an object. That’s actually really sad.

^ Family sounds like they have bigger problems that giving rice crackers is not going to solve.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once you start it is hard to stop. We've tried to build a life that is not about stuff so my husband only ever brought back a toiletry from the hotel or a bag of pretzels from the airplane. Sounds ridiculous, but my kids loved it when they were little. They also always liked to video chat with him and get a tour of his hotel room.

OP and I think that’s all my kid wants. Just tangible proof that they existed in his head while he was away. He used to bring teeny little rice cracker packs from flights to Japan or cocktail napkins with airline logos and that was enough to please her.

Have you told him this? He might not realize how much it means to her.

Oh yes. Many times. And he says “I don’t know how you expect me to remember every time” or “how am I supposed to have the time for that.” It’s fine for him to get defensive to me but to not be able to empathize with a kid…ugh.

Kids don’t need throw away napkins and junk from trips to know they are loved. OP is teaching DD that love only exists if receives an object. That’s actually really sad.

Absolutely not. Or if present every time leave house then really do it and if leave house for any reason should bring back a gift every time. Go to work at any office-1 mile away or plane flight- bring a gift. Go to mailbox, bring a gift. Let thr DH and daughter have their own relationship and DH do what he wants.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once you start it is hard to stop. We've tried to build a life that is not about stuff so my husband only ever brought back a toiletry from the hotel or a bag of pretzels from the airplane. Sounds ridiculous, but my kids loved it when they were little. They also always liked to video chat with him and get a tour of his hotel room.

OP and I think that’s all my kid wants. Just tangible proof that they existed in his head while he was away. He used to bring teeny little rice cracker packs from flights to Japan or cocktail napkins with airline logos and that was enough to please her.

Have you told him this? He might not realize how much it means to her.

Oh yes. Many times. And he says “I don’t know how you expect me to remember every time” or “how am I supposed to have the time for that.” It’s fine for him to get defensive to me but to not be able to empathize with a kid…ugh.

Ok, that's f'ed up. I don't think I've ever posted this on DCUM before, but this level of disengagement would have me seriously considering divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once you start it is hard to stop. We've tried to build a life that is not about stuff so my husband only ever brought back a toiletry from the hotel or a bag of pretzels from the airplane. Sounds ridiculous, but my kids loved it when they were little. They also always liked to video chat with him and get a tour of his hotel room.

OP and I think that’s all my kid wants. Just tangible proof that they existed in his head while he was away. He used to bring teeny little rice cracker packs from flights to Japan or cocktail napkins with airline logos and that was enough to please her.

Have you told him this? He might not realize how much it means to her.

Oh yes. Many times. And he says “I don’t know how you expect me to remember every time” or “how am I supposed to have the time for that.” It’s fine for him to get defensive to me but to not be able to empathize with a kid…ugh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once you start it is hard to stop. We've tried to build a life that is not about stuff so my husband only ever brought back a toiletry from the hotel or a bag of pretzels from the airplane. Sounds ridiculous, but my kids loved it when they were little. They also always liked to video chat with him and get a tour of his hotel room.

OP and I think that’s all my kid wants. Just tangible proof that they existed in his head while he was away. He used to bring teeny little rice cracker packs from flights to Japan or cocktail napkins with airline logos and that was enough to please her.

Have you told him this? He might not realize how much it means to her.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to make time to FaceTime her. Even if it's five minutes. He needs to connect with her, and she needs to feel he's thinking of her while he's traveling. My dad used to only sometimes bring us something - we were as excited to get a t-shirt as we were to get a pen or palm-sized pad of paper he took from the desk in his hotel room. If he left before we woke up in the morning, he'd leave us a note.

OP and I think you really understand. I wish you and your dad could sit my DH down and give him a parenting come-to-Jesus.

The last straw for me was the most recent nothing trip was one where DD sent an emoji laden text about the first day of school. DH never replied. I asked him about it and he said that he couldn’t text back and there are times when he is going to be with new partners and clients that he can’t talk to us.

24 hours a day he’s so busy that he can’t even give an emoji back?

And anyway, what clients or partners are going to fault a man who steps away for 30 seconds for his DD? A woman, sure, but a man would be lauded.

So flimsy of an excuse.

Oh no! I hope this didn’t really happen. What an ahole.

It happened!!!

Then your problem has nothing to do with whether he brings back gifts. He missed her first day of school and didn't make any contingency to make sure she knew he remembered. That's the issue. There are many ways to have done this.

He's heartless or cheating. Either way, you need a sit down.