Aren’t people taught to follow the golden rule anymore? Put yourself in your husband’s shoes, and ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse proposed this. If you yourself would not be thrilled, then you have your answer. (Do unto others….)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

I'm 54, and I fantasized about it because several moms around me had either quit or pulled way back when the kids were young.

But, eventually, I went back to work, first PT, then FT, because 1. I'm not really cut out to be a sahm, and 2. I want to retire early. A few of the moms who became a sahm had husbands who made a lot; the others have husbands who are planning to work until 65.

Neither DH nor I want to work till 65, so I had to go back to work to contribute to our retirement so that we could both retire well before 65.

That said, the stress in the family did go way down, but by a certain age, the kids really didn't need me that much, and DH and I both had relatively flexible jobs.

Yeah, I’m one of three women in our circle of friends who works full time and only two of us have our kids in daycare (the other can afford nanny). The culture is now shifting toward glamorizing staying home and attacking women who pursue their careers and it’s getting to me.

As someone who has SAH since 2008, I chuckle at this. Oh the irony. Because I have spent the past 17 years feeling judged or viewed as “lazy” or “freeloading.” Maybe not when I had actual babies, but certainly after that. I’m no tradwife, not even close, but there are benefits to having a non working parent that are routinely minimized/dismissed here.

Yes there are benefits - to the family. NOT to the woman who excises herself from the work force, lets her skill set and expertise expire, reduces her earning potential, reduces what she puts into social security, etc etc. I stayed home for about 6 years when my kids were little, I know very well the benefits that had for my family, my spouse, etc. But to have continued it forever would’ve been ruinous to me, the person, and future earning abilities, career prospects, and potential, while continuing to benefit the kids and husband. And way too many women put themselves in that position not realizing how vulnerable it makes them.

Of course the woman benefits or she wouldn’t do it. She benefits in many ways. And yes women realize they are vulnerable but that is part of doing it, they want to be taken care of and to be dependent on a man. This isn’t something happening to them, women are competent adults who make the active and informed choice to not work and to stay home because of the benefits for them.

He doesn’t just take on the pressure to be the sole breadwinner but he takes on all financial responsibility for debt and bills and college and savings and retirement and medical / health and all expenses and spending to meet the wants and needs of everyone in the family.

You give up independence and change to be taken care of / looked after as you abdicate all financial responsibility for yourself and the family you created.

I would find a way to work part-time or pivot to a different type of role. Shake it up - but don’t quit. You still have debt and $220k may feel like a lot in flyover country but it’s not going to be when you are staring down college costs for 3 kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

I'm 54, and I fantasized about it because several moms around me had either quit or pulled way back when the kids were young.

But, eventually, I went back to work, first PT, then FT, because 1. I'm not really cut out to be a sahm, and 2. I want to retire early. A few of the moms who became a sahm had husbands who made a lot; the others have husbands who are planning to work until 65.

Neither DH nor I want to work till 65, so I had to go back to work to contribute to our retirement so that we could both retire well before 65.

That said, the stress in the family did go way down, but by a certain age, the kids really didn't need me that much, and DH and I both had relatively flexible jobs.

Yeah, I’m one of three women in our circle of friends who works full time and only two of us have our kids in daycare (the other can afford nanny). The culture is now shifting toward glamorizing staying home and attacking women who pursue their careers and it’s getting to me.

As someone who has SAH since 2008, I chuckle at this. Oh the irony. Because I have spent the past 17 years feeling judged or viewed as “lazy” or “freeloading.” Maybe not when I had actual babies, but certainly after that. I’m no tradwife, not even close, but there are benefits to having a non working parent that are routinely minimized/dismissed here.

Yes there are benefits - to the family. NOT to the woman who excises herself from the work force, lets her skill set and expertise expire, reduces her earning potential, reduces what she puts into social security, etc etc. I stayed home for about 6 years when my kids were little, I know very well the benefits that had for my family, my spouse, etc. But to have continued it forever would’ve been ruinous to me, the person, and future earning abilities, career prospects, and potential, while continuing to benefit the kids and husband. And way too many women put themselves in that position not realizing how vulnerable it makes them.

As someone who works in health care you should know all too well how quickly things can change health wise. I see way too many young people getting cancer to even think about quitting my job. I may need to one day be the breadwinner if my husband becomes ill or something happens. These days you need to diversify income streams.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

I'm 54, and I fantasized about it because several moms around me had either quit or pulled way back when the kids were young.

But, eventually, I went back to work, first PT, then FT, because 1. I'm not really cut out to be a sahm, and 2. I want to retire early. A few of the moms who became a sahm had husbands who made a lot; the others have husbands who are planning to work until 65.

Neither DH nor I want to work till 65, so I had to go back to work to contribute to our retirement so that we could both retire well before 65.

That said, the stress in the family did go way down, but by a certain age, the kids really didn't need me that much, and DH and I both had relatively flexible jobs.

Yeah, I’m one of three women in our circle of friends who works full time and only two of us have our kids in daycare (the other can afford nanny). The culture is now shifting toward glamorizing staying home and attacking women who pursue their careers and it’s getting to me.

As someone who has SAH since 2008, I chuckle at this. Oh the irony. Because I have spent the past 17 years feeling judged or viewed as “lazy” or “freeloading.” Maybe not when I had actual babies, but certainly after that. I’m no tradwife, not even close, but there are benefits to having a non working parent that are routinely minimized/dismissed here.

Tradwife now means SAHM. It used to refer to crazy people like that ballerina farm woman, but now it just means women who don’t work and are supported by their husbands.

OP, I hear you!
I work full time, have three kids 11, 8, 5, and a husband who makes more than me. I never thought I would be the type to stay home but after becoming a mom, I have thought about it often. Taking care of three young kids and working full time can leave anyone exhausted and unable to think clearly. Having a 2 year old is utterly tiring. You must be so exhausted!

So, here’s the advice I would give myself: *Hang on! Things get better as kids get older.
*It is not all or nothing. There is a third way. Try to pivot to something else, even if there is a pay cut, it is better than going $0 income.
*If you really want to quit, delay it a year. In the meantime, live on your husband’s income and save all of yours (with childcare expenses maybe all is not feasible but as much as you can).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

I'm 54, and I fantasized about it because several moms around me had either quit or pulled way back when the kids were young.

But, eventually, I went back to work, first PT, then FT, because 1. I'm not really cut out to be a sahm, and 2. I want to retire early. A few of the moms who became a sahm had husbands who made a lot; the others have husbands who are planning to work until 65.

Neither DH nor I want to work till 65, so I had to go back to work to contribute to our retirement so that we could both retire well before 65.

That said, the stress in the family did go way down, but by a certain age, the kids really didn't need me that much, and DH and I both had relatively flexible jobs.

Yeah, I’m one of three women in our circle of friends who works full time and only two of us have our kids in daycare (the other can afford nanny). The culture is now shifting toward glamorizing staying home and attacking women who pursue their careers and it’s getting to me.

As someone who has SAH since 2008, I chuckle at this. Oh the irony. Because I have spent the past 17 years feeling judged or viewed as “lazy” or “freeloading.” Maybe not when I had actual babies, but certainly after that. I’m no tradwife, not even close, but there are benefits to having a non working parent that are routinely minimized/dismissed here.

I have always stayed home and we made a lot less than that for a long time. We did totally fine- we lived life, took vacations, etc. Yes we watched money but it was so worth it to be home with me kids. We made abort 80k a year when I first stayed home, in a 500k house in the suburbs and we made it work.
Added bonuses of being a SAHM-
My husband has nothing on his plate except work
We have family time on weekends bc I get all the housework done during the week, grocery shopping, etc.
My kids have so much stability
If someone is sick or hurt; I got it.
We are all so happy

Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

+100. And I’ve always been career driven. But #tradwife is getting to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

I'm 54, and I fantasized about it because several moms around me had either quit or pulled way back when the kids were young.

But, eventually, I went back to work, first PT, then FT, because 1. I'm not really cut out to be a sahm, and 2. I want to retire early. A few of the moms who became a sahm had husbands who made a lot; the others have husbands who are planning to work until 65.

Neither DH nor I want to work till 65, so I had to go back to work to contribute to our retirement so that we could both retire well before 65.

That said, the stress in the family did go way down, but by a certain age, the kids really didn't need me that much, and DH and I both had relatively flexible jobs.

Yeah, I’m one of three women in our circle of friends who works full time and only two of us have our kids in daycare (the other can afford nanny). The culture is now shifting toward glamorizing staying home and attacking women who pursue their careers and it’s getting to me.

Anonymous wrote:You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

I'm 54, and I fantasized about it because several moms around me had either quit or pulled way back when the kids were young.

But, eventually, I went back to work, first PT, then FT, because 1. I'm not really cut out to be a sahm, and 2. I want to retire early. A few of the moms who became a sahm had husbands who made a lot; the others have husbands who are planning to work until 65.

Neither DH nor I want to work till 65, so I had to go back to work to contribute to our retirement so that we could both retire well before 65.

That said, the stress in the family did go way down, but by a certain age, the kids really didn't need me that much, and DH and I both had relatively flexible jobs.

You are probably being influenced by the growing pro-SAHM culture. I know it’s getting to me and for the first time I’m fantasizing about quitting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we live in flyover country too. Our neighbor lost his well paying job 20 months ago. His well educated wife has been a SAHM for a number of years.

The DH can’t find another job even close to the salary he had before. He carried their health insurance. Everything is on him. He’s 45 and he’s unemployed.

The DW hasn’t worked in over a decade. She can’t make any money. She can’t even get an interview.

If you want to roll the dice, go for it.

That right there is why I work, albeit part-time. I like the money I earn, but I don’t need it. We could cut costs—we’ve done it before. I just really need security. I need to be able to support my husband and family in an emergency. I think it also reduces DH’s stress to know that I could get into the workforce quickly.

(BTW, I’m not criticizing SAHPs. I was one myself when that was better for our family.)

+1 this is me too. I’d quit tomorrow! Corporate life and just the whole career slog machine is gross. I’m not cut out for it. And yes, family life benefits from an adult who can run and organize all the things IMO. But I’m not a DCUMer from a rich family nor did I marry money. Do we “need” my salary to pay the mortgage this month - no. Would we be screwed by a tragedy or bad luck, a disabling incident, or if my husband were to be laid off and unable to find another good white color job ever again at age 50? Yep. Do we have grandparents picking up the tab for college, braces, camp? Nope. So I work, work, work. We need the extra safety net. It sucks OP, I feel you. I try to compartmentalize as much as possible and think of my career as a tool to support my family, not as my life.