Leave all the stuff related to his mom to him. Let him figure out and buy the groceries for the meals you'd cook unless they're things you'd normally do. Let him clean the guest room (wash the sheets, vacuum, do the bathroom, etc.). Let him finish the outside work when he can or hire someone to do it.

If you can't count on your partner, you need to organize your life such that you can get done the things you care about and that have to be done, hire out whatever you can, and let him "help" as he can. I, for one, couldn't care less about landscaping (we have gardeners so this isn't an issue), so if my husband wasn't doing the yard I'd either live with it until the HOA sent a notice and then let him deal with it or I'd hire the work out.

We are each responsible for our own families, so while I would offer to help with things, say making the guest room bed, my husband knows it is his responsibility to get it all done. If your MIL shows up and the bed isn't made then she can take it up with her son.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call him out. Tell him you see the pattern that he is conveniently sick whenever he has an adult responsibility to handle and you're not accommodating it any longer. And he needs to cancel his mom's visit because you're not carrying the water for that.

His response was “I can’t help it if I’m sick. You act like it’s my fault.”

It feels like he is using this as an ironclad get-out-of-jail-free card because if I ask a sick person to step up then I’m an inconsiderate jerk.

Then you make it a part of the plans in advance. Figure out the MIL thing this time however you can (you suck it up and do it, or you realize you have to postpone it, whatever works better for you), but change things for next time.

His mother wants to come again? You make plans but insist on a backup plan "if he gets sick."
You have a home project to do? Make sure there is a backup plan "if he gets sick."
You are going on vacation with the kids? Know what the plan is -- also -- for "if he gets sick."

Maybe everything gets prep work done two weeks in advance instead of two days. Maybe the plan is that you pay someone else to do it. But the backup plan can't always be that you do all the work.

You don't have to be mean or condescending about it. But if there is a pattern, then it needs to be tackled differently.

You can’t let an elderly woman come stay at your house with no bed to sleep in, don’t be ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense, but what's your plan? You're obviously resentful and irritated which is completely understandable. But are you going to do anything about it or just continue to live this way?

I can’t do anything about him. He’s shown that he doesn’t give a s—t. I guess it leaves me with the choice of do everything and not complain, or make the choice to leave.

It’s hard to entertain the latter because I’d be disrupting my kids’ lives and my financial future for what would appear to be no good reason. I’d never go around telling people I left DH because he was lazy and selfish about his time. Wish I could.

Then suck it up. This is a “You” problem.

Anonymous wrote:I’ll start by saying that like a lot of women, I frequently feel like low-grade crap, whether it’s cramps, a hormonal headache, allergies, soreness, bad sleep, whatever. But I just keep going because I don’t have a choice.

DH travels about 4 days a month for work. He got back from a trip Thursday at lunchtime and this morning while we were going through the weekend errands and schedule, he announced that he’s feeling under the weather and his stomach hurts and he can commit to anything.

His mom comes for a visit on Tuesday. We have a guest room to set up, groceries to buy, kids to take places, yard work that got started last weekend and never finished, and so on. But instead he’s slunk away and says he isn’t sure if he feels well enough to run errands or work outside.

This is ridiculous, right? I was doing everything from Sunday when he left to Thursday afternoon, 6 am-midnight each day, including all of the kid stuff and pet stuff and meals and house stuff plus my own job. I am tired. I felt off and gross 24 hours into his trip, but I didn’t have the luxury of a wife doing everything while I chilled on the couch waiting to feel better.

Give me the words to call him out on this without setting up a stupid confrontation that I don’t have time for.

Why are you still married to this man? Instead of complaining, leave him and you wouldn’t have to deal with this nonsense anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense, but what's your plan? You're obviously resentful and irritated which is completely understandable. But are you going to do anything about it or just continue to live this way?

I can’t do anything about him. He’s shown that he doesn’t give a s—t. I guess it leaves me with the choice of do everything and not complain, or make the choice to leave.

It’s hard to entertain the latter because I’d be disrupting my kids’ lives and my financial future for what would appear to be no good reason. I’d never go around telling people I left DH because he was lazy and selfish about his time. Wish I could.

You have a third choice: Not do everything and be okay with the mess. So everything isn’t ready for MIL when she arrives? Your husband can stay up and set the room up. Or be responsible for meals. Or whatever.

The problem is that you’re more concerned with appearances. You’re not willing to let others sit in some discomfort, so you attempt to control it all. You tell yourself that it’s okay because you don’t want others like your MIL or your kids to suffer and be put out. But this is really about you. Start by acknowledging that you even have this choice to drop the rope.

Anonymous wrote:No offense, but what's your plan? You're obviously resentful and irritated which is completely understandable. But are you going to do anything about it or just continue to live this way?

She will remain married to her husband who’s lazy and avoids housework and prob her

All for the sake of the kids and her lifestyle ..

A suffer in silence type set up.

I woukd tell him he either needs to cancel the visit and notify his mom, expect his mom to fix up the room if he can't or out his mom at a hotel.

I would even explain to his mom what is going on. Her response let's you know where the behavior comes from.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense, but what's your plan? You're obviously resentful and irritated which is completely understandable. But are you going to do anything about it or just continue to live this way?

I can’t do anything about him. He’s shown that he doesn’t give a s—t. I guess it leaves me with the choice of do everything and not complain, or make the choice to leave.

It’s hard to entertain the latter because I’d be disrupting my kids’ lives and my financial future for what would appear to be no good reason. I’d never go around telling people I left DH because he was lazy and selfish about his time. Wish I could.

And there it is. You've made your choice- you don't need our help then. Martyrdom must be your colour.

OP, it's a good reason. You are devaluing yourself and your children, as based on your description he is not stepping up for you OR them.

Counselling if he cares to do the work. Getting your ducks in order for divorce if not. And I'd ask him how many times he'd ever stepped up for you when you were ill. I'd then put him on blast that I'll be documenting the pattern here about how many times he is 'sick but miraculously able to do the fun stuff' if he is unaware, in order to help him become more self aware. Also mention the math of the fact that you are DOING IT ALL when he is not around (not his fault- he is literally not there). Then let him know that when he acknowledges the plan, the next step is if he cares to change it.

Not sure how well you get along with his MIL or how close you are but with mine, If I needed an assist for understanding how DH processed something, I'd be describing/letting her see the behaviour and asking for her .02 for where the hell it came from (lazy dad? maybe she thinks this is normal for men if she married a loser too and won't be able to help or tell him to man up?) and why he would be doing this. If she is close/cares about the grandkids I'd approach from that angle- that they are missing out too and he's setting a bad example of partnership, reliability, responsibility and respect. Ie if you have boys he will turn them into shiftless losers too, and if you have girls, both of you will be teaching them this is totally normal to expect zero functionality from men.

-wife who travels a lot for work and my husband's the secret for how I appear to be getting it all done. (When I'm home, I'm home and managing half the domestic front but when I'm out of town he does 100% of the work with all the kids pick ups/drop offs/homework/activities, sports coaching volunteer work and pets/household plus his own full time job. AND DOES NOT COMPLAIN). Honestly, when I come back after travel, I'm tired, but my priority is nesting, reclaiming my home, taking the workload off him and being thankful for his hard work.

Anonymous wrote:No offense, but what's your plan? You're obviously resentful and irritated which is completely understandable. But are you going to do anything about it or just continue to live this way?

I can’t do anything about him. He’s shown that he doesn’t give a s—t. I guess it leaves me with the choice of do everything and not complain, or make the choice to leave.

It’s hard to entertain the latter because I’d be disrupting my kids’ lives and my financial future for what would appear to be no good reason. I’d never go around telling people I left DH because he was lazy and selfish about his time. Wish I could.

No offense, but what's your plan? You're obviously resentful and irritated which is completely understandable. But are you going to do anything about it or just continue to live this way?

Update: DH was feeling well enough to work on a project for his hobby while watching tv. I told him that I was glad he was feeling better and handed him the list I’ve been working with the kids on to get through our weekend chores and prep for the visit, and asked him to pick the ones he wanted and I’d do the other half.

He said that he couldn’t do any of that because he still wasn’t sure about his stomach. And then argued about to whether some of them needed to get done.

I called his bluff and said that if he was feeling that unwell again he needed to go to bed. So he’s been lying in bed wide awake for hours (he napped all morning in front of the tv) probably bored to tears.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has too much fun on those work trips

He had a lot of fun. From what he told me, they had 3 fancy dinners, one at the special chef’s table in the restaurant kitchen. Also a team outing on a boat. In spite of having no beds to make, no dishes to do, and no commute because his hotel was adjacent to the firm’s office in that city, he still had “no time” to reply to the 2 texts I sent him over the course of 4 days with requests for important information that he had which access to and would take all of 30 seconds to pull up. I wish I could take myself completely offline from family life whenever I wanted to focus on work or felt tired.

I got home from taking the kids to an activity and running what errands I could today and he was cooking himself an elaborate lunch while playing on his phone and watching sports.

Truly debilitating stomach bug. Pray for his health.

Meh, it's work travel. No matter how "fancy" the dinners, etc, work travel is always exhausting.

I was on 80% travel before kids. Yes, it was exhausting. But I was only responsible for myself. I slept on sheets I didn’t have to wash, ate food I didn’t prepare, and even if it was 11 pm, I had no one but myself to worry about once I was back in my hotel room.

I would trade that for doing work at home after bedtime while doing dishes and taking the dog out and having a kid wake up an hour after I finally fall asleep *any day.* there’s exhausted from work travel and then there’s exhausted from caregiving, and they cannot be compared.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has too much fun on those work trips

He had a lot of fun. From what he told me, they had 3 fancy dinners, one at the special chef’s table in the restaurant kitchen. Also a team outing on a boat. In spite of having no beds to make, no dishes to do, and no commute because his hotel was adjacent to the firm’s office in that city, he still had “no time” to reply to the 2 texts I sent him over the course of 4 days with requests for important information that he had which access to and would take all of 30 seconds to pull up. I wish I could take myself completely offline from family life whenever I wanted to focus on work or felt tired.

I got home from taking the kids to an activity and running what errands I could today and he was cooking himself an elaborate lunch while playing on his phone and watching sports.

Truly debilitating stomach bug. Pray for his health.

Meh, it's work travel. No matter how "fancy" the dinners, etc, work travel is always exhausting.

Yeah I have no idea how sick her husband actually is, but belittling the work he actually does is unnecessary.

i guess this is an different problem than most people have. most people have husbands that want to clean the garage or wash the cars when getting ready for guests or a party.

make a list. do you r items. leave his for him.

my DH is actually sick about 2 or less days per year.

i think yours is faking.