Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't say that directly. At most maybe something like, "Hmm, I'm not sure about that color."

Op is a narcissist. I'm sure her daughter looked fine even beautiful and op's ego couldn't handle it so she said something she knew would upset her daughter.

Even in her post she's more concerned with herself than her daughter.

Speaks of her daughter like an adversary.
I'm sure op sabotages her daughter all the time.

There is QUITE a bit of projection in this post. Holy Moly.

I think Deborah Tannen's book has some good advice on mothers commenting on daughters' appearances. Basically tread very carefully.

Anonymous wrote:Unflattering is fine. My mom said things like "you look like a 2 ton baker". Don't say that.

Don't say either one.

I'm sorry your mom said things like that to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would’ve said something like “the way it’s cut is weird and it’s not as flattering as the blue and black dresses you tried.” Something to soften it. Blame it on the dress in some way and pivot to how she looked good in something else. It’s hard when they are sensitive, but you have to try to keep it positive and sugarcoat things a bit.

Pfft.
I simply say, "no, it doesn't work" and move on to the next outfit. If it's something she really likes, we try to find a way to make it work.

She came back from prom with one of the rhinestones missing from my blahnik.
The previous year she came back with my shoes completely snapped in half.
Grrr.
(It's Ok, I went to some trimming stores, got another crystal and epoxied a hoop on it and replaced the missing rhinestone.)

Thanks for this totally irrelevant story. So glad your shoes were okay in the end

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t wear pointed toe shoes until I was in my 30s because my petite mom with size 5.5 feet thought pointed toes made my size 8.5 feet look too big.

I mean, they probably did. Pointy toes add a lot of length.

Anonymous wrote:Wtf do you look like OP?

Like a monster obviously

IMHO, the perfect phrase is, “I think you can do better.”

Anonymous wrote:Have you apologized?

For what?

This is always so hard to manage with girls. I stick to "it's not my favorite" when my kids ask opinions of their outfits. I want them to be confident and happy with what they choose. Sometimes it looks amazing and sometimes it's odd but I'm a different generation than them so what do I know. My mom still does this to me and criticized my clothes and I just don't talk to her about them and much less likely to open up about anything when I get "you know that shirt is too tight for your age" or "what's with the wide pants, looks funny" when I see her. I don't want my kids to bristle when they talk to me.

Anonymous wrote:My daughter and I went to try on prom dresses, which was going really well until she asked my opinion on one of them, and I told her honestly that it was unflattering. My intention was obviously not to make her insecure or to steer her away from the dress, but I wanted to contribute instead of just nodding and smiling the whole time. (Also, I said this before she told me her own opinion about the dress.) She got really sad and immediately took it off, suggesting we leave the store (it had been about half an hour at this point). I agreed because I didn't want to fight, but now she's refusing to talk to me about it and is giving me the cold shoulder (weirdly polite, etc).

I feel terrible, but also... she needs to get over it. She knows I would never say anything to intentionally hurt her, and I think she is just trying to pick a fight for some mysterious reason. Is this something you're to supposed to tell your kids?

Next time ask her opinion first: what do you think? How do you feel in it? What do you like about it?

Did you really use “unflattering”? Words like this are so easy to misinterpret.

“She needs to get over it?” She’s a kid. She has hurt feelings. You’re her parent, act like it. You sound like you think that your feelings are the most important thing here. Obviously you love her, but put her feelings in front of your own.

Raising kids who can’t handle a comment that address is unflattering when trying on clothes in a store is a parenting failure. How will your kids cope in the real world if you have raised them to think that they are so perfect that every single piece of clothing will look amazing on them and that no one should ever give them any constructive criticism. You are setting them up for mental health issues when they get out on their own and no one is going to constantly act like they are perfect.

OP you need nothing wrong. She is a teen and got bent out of shape which can happen over just about anything. If something doesn’t fit right or isn’t sitting right and just isn’t flattering there is nothing wrong with saying so. You don’t have to tell her that every item looks simply amazing and perfect on her when it doesn’t. Not all clothes are flattering when trying them on.

I didn’t wear pointed toe shoes until I was in my 30s because my petite mom with size 5.5 feet thought pointed toes made my size 8.5 feet look too big.

Anonymous wrote:My kids are boys but they know I will always tell them the truth and will never send them outside looking crazy

I have a boy and a girl. My kids also depend on my honest feedback. They also give back their honest opinion to me when I ask their opinion on my cooking, clothes, decoration choices etc. The important thing is that we all also give our logic behind the opinion to each other also. And that makes it clear that the feedback has been given to improve and no hurt each other,

I suspect the reason that your daughter is miffed is not your criticism per se, but rather the truth of your criticism. She may be having low body image issues and that is probably because she is unhappy with her own looks, body, skin, hair etc and knows that she is not looking good.

I think parents should educate their kids about nutrition and health from the time that they are very little. Because it is hard when you are not fit in your teen years because teens are very concerned with their looks at that age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not very kind. You can't take that back

I don’t understand what OP did wrong. She said the dress was unflattering. That’s a criticism of the dress, not her dd. We’ve all seen a dress that looked great on the hanger, but once we put it on, we realized the proportions were off or the cut was all wrong on us or it didn’t drape the way we thought it would or the color washes us out or the sleeves are weird, etc. Why is it unkind to admit that it’s not as flattering as the other choices?

Ditto.
The whole point of having someone you trust go with you is to get their feedback and if they are really good, they are pulling stuff from the racks while you are in the dressing room struggling with your bra. I go into stylist mode when shopping with my family and my kids know I will be grabbing alternate options when something just doesn't work.
When my friend tells me it's time to dye my hair, I don't take it personally, I know it comes from a good place.

I would never comment on somebody else’s appearance like that. I don’t think most of that little stuff matters that much. And folks who are rigidly focused on details like that often don’t imo have great personal style.

Unflattering is fine. My mom said things like "you look like a 2 ton baker". Don't say that.