Anonymous
Post 01/08/2025 14:49     Subject: Vacation disagreement on where to go
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Welcome to marriage.

Either he compromises or you do. But the fact that you are planning this huge bucket list trip, and that it’s been in the works for quite a while, and you had to ask him “you’re coming on this right?” Tells me you already have some problems communicating.

With this extended family trip fall on what is going to be your anniversary? Is that why he’s wanting to focus on an anniversary trip? Or is he just saying that if you take a trip this year it should be an anniversary trip? Because those are very different circumstances.


OP here. The trip would not fall on our anniversary. He just wants to spend the time and money on trips for the 2 of us only.


Why did you marry this guy? Your daughter existed before your marriage. I highly doubt she likes him much.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2025 12:23     Subject: Vacation disagreement on where to go
You need to go on your bucket list trip with your kid and your family this year. It's planned, everyone knew you were doing it, carry on. It's perfectly reasonable for your husband to not want to join that trip - for a million reasons. In many ways, he is making it easier for you - you can focus on your kid and your family and what YOU most want to do on the bucket list trip. Take that win and run with it!

If money or time mean that the anniversary trip he wants to take is not possible or delayed, then you work through that together.

Anonymous
Post 01/08/2025 11:53     Subject: Vacation disagreement on where to go
Anonymous wrote:For the past 12 years I have taken a large vacation every other year (10 days, foreign countries) with family members. It's my vacation with my daughter and I provide all the info to extended family members to join us if they want.
This year I am planning a major bucket list vacation that I have been looking forward to for as long as I can remember.

Wrinkle: I recently got married. I am about to start booking airline tickets, so I confirmed with DH last night "You are going to "great place" with us, right? He said, "I don't really want to, as I'd rather focus on an anniversary trip for us." He's known about this dream of mine forever!! I'm so disappointed and sad. Yes, other family members were going to join. I know that if he decides to come along it will be constant complaining about everything, and don't let something "go wrong" with the trip, I'll never hear the end of it. At the same time, I don't want to go without him due to cost and amount of days.

Do I cancel the trip and allow him to plan an anniversary trip with the agreement that we go on my bucket list trip next year? I hate canceling with family as we were all looking forward to it. Unfortunately, this will push my vacation plans off schedule. I plan a large trip every other year and this pushes everything back.

Trying to wrap my head around this disappointment that I feel is hard.


This^ right here is the reason to not remarry.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2025 11:09     Subject: Vacation disagreement on where to go
Anonymous wrote:No. You go on your planned bucket list vacation. Anniversary trip waits till the following year. Or it's a weekend trip.


This.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2025 07:44     Subject: Vacation disagreement on where to go
Anonymous wrote:Welcome to marriage.

Either he compromises or you do. But the fact that you are planning this huge bucket list trip, and that it’s been in the works for quite a while, and you had to ask him “you’re coming on this right?” Tells me you already have some problems communicating.

With this extended family trip fall on what is going to be your anniversary? Is that why he’s wanting to focus on an anniversary trip? Or is he just saying that if you take a trip this year it should be an anniversary trip? Because those are very different circumstances.


This. DH and I talk about vacation planning from the early stages - when, where, how long, cost, etc. It's not one of us inviting the other along at the end! So that part seems very odd.

That said, you should go without him and enjoy with the other family who's coming.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2025 07:38     Subject: Vacation disagreement on where to go
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For the past 12 years I have taken a large vacation every other year (10 days, foreign countries) with family members. It's my vacation with my daughter and I provide all the info to extended family members to join us if they want.
This year I am planning a major bucket list vacation that I have been looking forward to for as long as I can remember.

Wrinkle: I recently got married. I am about to start booking airline tickets, so I confirmed with DH last night "You are going to "great place" with us, right? He said, "I don't really want to, as I'd rather focus on an anniversary trip for us." He's known about this dream of mine forever!! I'm so disappointed and sad. Yes, other family members were going to join. I know that if he decides to come along it will be constant complaining about everything, and don't let something "go wrong" with the trip, I'll never hear the end of it. At the same time, I don't want to go without him due to cost and amount of days.

Do I cancel the trip and allow him to plan an anniversary trip with the agreement that we go on my bucket list trip next year? I hate canceling with family as we were all looking forward to it. Unfortunately, this will push my vacation plans off schedule. I plan a large trip every other year and this pushes everything back.

Trying to wrap my head around this disappointment that I feel is hard.


your DH is smart. I went on an overseas trip with wife's extended family and will never never do that again. awful experience and very expensive.


It could be your DH fears having to pick up huge tabs for dining out and other expenses for your extended family or else look like a cheapskate. So the perfect way out is just for him not to go.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2025 07:33     Subject: Vacation disagreement on where to go
OP, you have a big problem here. You think that failure to speak up = consent to do something. It isn’t. Often it is conflict avoidance. Your new DH didn’t want to rock the boat until you forced his hand with the plane tickets. He thought you would overreact and voila, you did.

You need to stop bulldozing your way around this marriage and actually talk about what you each want/like/prefer. I can’t wrap my head around the fact you just assumed he would want to go on a big trip with your daughter and extended family!!! No matter how nice a destination that would be a sacrifice. Nothing relaxing or vacation-y about it!
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2025 07:30     Subject: Vacation disagreement on where to go
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This shows how women think. In the end, OP is choosing between her husband or herself. Most husbands wouldn't even be ALLOWED TO GO on a vacation trip without their wives. Yet, wives always go on vacation trips without their husbands. LOL.


My husband takes an annual week-long trip with his friends, and often goes away for weekends. I don’t have a problem with it. Sounds like this is about your marriage, not everyone else’s.


Same. DH does friend trips regularly and I do trips with my family without him. It’s totally fine for both of us. I don’t “allow” him things. We do check in about each other’s schedules like civilized humans.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2025 00:00     Subject: Vacation disagreement on where to go
Anonymous wrote:This shows how women think. In the end, OP is choosing between her husband or herself. Most husbands wouldn't even be ALLOWED TO GO on a vacation trip without their wives. Yet, wives always go on vacation trips without their husbands. LOL.


lol, this might be a you problem.

My spouse & I both go on separate trips occasionally. We have both done small trips with friends, & longer solo trips with 1 kid or our siblings.

Same for my friends…I am not aware of any couples where the wife was allowed to travel but the DH, sadly due to his XY chromosome, was not able to travel freely.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2025 23:49     Subject: Vacation disagreement on where to go
He kind of sucks, a little bit. For not knowing how important this is to you, & for not being a good sport to join you & the new family he just joined on a trip, as is tradition (that I assumed me you have told him about). Also, you literally just got married, people in my orbit don’t usually do “anniversary” trips until 5 yrs, 10 yrs, etc.

But I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Stay the course, plan your trip, he does not go this yr. You & daughter & fam enjoy.

Then 2026, work with him to plan anniversary trip.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2025 23:37     Subject: Vacation disagreement on where to go
Anonymous wrote:This shows how women think. In the end, OP is choosing between her husband or herself. Most husbands wouldn't even be ALLOWED TO GO on a vacation trip without their wives. Yet, wives always go on vacation trips without their husbands. LOL.


My husband takes an annual week-long trip with his friends, and often goes away for weekends. I don’t have a problem with it. Sounds like this is about your marriage, not everyone else’s.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2025 22:21     Subject: Re:Vacation disagreement on where to go
Can you possibly do both??

I agree that it would be unfair to cancel this bucket list trip since you have family members who are looking forward to going.

Maybe you can talk to your new husband directly + stress to him how important this trip has been to you for so long & how your relatives are excited to partake in this wonderful adventure alongside you.
Maybe he will realize just how important this vacation means to you! 🤞🏽

Can you then take an anniversary trip together later on, but keep it low-key to keep co$ts down?
Or maybe you can speak to your hubby more on possibly taking an anniversary trip together later down the line?

Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2025 21:57     Subject: Re:Vacation disagreement on where to go
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. Why can’t you go on this trip without him?


OP here. I could go without him. The trip would be about $12k and 10 days of vacation time. I would rather spend the money and vacations days together.


You should have discussed all of this before marriage. Talked about it, not assumed. Sounds like you aren't on the same page at all.

Go on your own. If he goes and complains the entire time it will ruin the trip/might make your family feel differently about him.

Some people don't like to travel. My FIL hates it. My MIL was angry because she assumed after they retired they would travel more. He pushed off retirement then he told her he hated travel. She missed amazing trips (Egypt, Asia, Australia) waiting for him. My DH and I lived overseas for years invited them to visit/on our international trips and she never came. She finally started doing some on her own, but lately she had some health issues and really regrets not doing more. BUT she did a bucket list trip years ago with my DH and SIL. My husband planned it (before we were seriously together) and they still talk about it to this day. My FIL didn't go, but doesn't seem to regret it either. So I say go on that trip, but have no idea what life holds. My MIL could not do that trip now due to some random health stuff (she was healthy and active her entire life), so do it before you can't.

What is your anniversary if you just got married?
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2025 21:49     Subject: Vacation disagreement on where to go
Anonymous wrote:For the past 12 years I have taken a large vacation every other year (10 days, foreign countries) with family members. It's my vacation with my daughter and I provide all the info to extended family members to join us if they want.
This year I am planning a major bucket list vacation that I have been looking forward to for as long as I can remember.

Wrinkle: I recently got married. I am about to start booking airline tickets, so I confirmed with DH last night "You are going to "great place" with us, right? He said, "I don't really want to, as I'd rather focus on an anniversary trip for us." He's known about this dream of mine forever!! I'm so disappointed and sad. Yes, other family members were going to join. I know that if he decides to come along it will be constant complaining about everything, and don't let something "go wrong" with the trip, I'll never hear the end of it. At the same time, I don't want to go without him due to cost and amount of days.

Do I cancel the trip and allow him to plan an anniversary trip with the agreement that we go on my bucket list trip next year? I hate canceling with family as we were all looking forward to it. Unfortunately, this will push my vacation plans off schedule. I plan a large trip every other year and this pushes everything back.

Trying to wrap my head around this disappointment that I feel is hard.


your DH is smart. I went on an overseas trip with wife's extended family and will never never do that again. awful experience and very expensive.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2025 21:25     Subject: Re:Vacation disagreement on where to go
I know that if he decides to come along it will be constant complaining about everything, and don't let something "go wrong" with the trip, I'll never hear the end of it.