Anonymous wrote:I love reading how the top 5% live. So spending 300K a year is normal.

If you have the money, why wouldn't you spend it (your parents money or your own)?

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives with us and the care was killing me and putting strain on my family. I finally hired an agency for three times a week. Then it went to 5. As she grew more challenging in many ways and her fall risk increased, we went to full time.

It is VERY expensive and people don’t understand why we need it and don’t do it ourselves. With both of us working and kids, it was driving me into the ground. I have guilt when people try to shame me for this and the cost. But we pay all of her housing costs and keep her safe. People make us feel like we don’t deserve to live our lives and paint us as lazy or selfish.

That’s lovely on top of the strain and stress. May they never be in this position.

You deserve to live your life as well, without 24/7 care of a parent.

We funded the $400K+ entry fee for my parents at a CCRC. They didn't want to move near us (we are 3K miles away). Their finances pay for the monthly fees, there is no increase if they need to go to advance care (memory, nursing, assisted living, etc) except for adding in 2 extra meals daily. It's the best CCRC in the area, and my parents love it. Still in independent living, but it comforts us knowing we don't have to drop everything and go 3K miles if something happens. We are in our 50s, nearing retirement and love to travel. We have the finances to do whatever we want and plan to travel while we can. I dont' want to be in Europe or Asia on a trip and feel like I need to fly to them just to coordinate care. This way it can all be done over the phone and I can visit 3-4 times per year. We know they will get excellent care, when needed at an affordable rate (no more than they currently pay) and it will be a seamless transition. Also, the other parent will be nearby and able to visit daily, as it's all walkable and inside to get from ind living to the Higher level care. That is huge for mental health when one needs more care.

And I get to keep my sanity. It's a win-win

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parent requires FT companion care due to major fall risk and not being able to manage meds or drive. She has some memory issues, otherwise she is doing well for her age.

Full time agency help is amounting to around $6000 a week. How much would it be to hire an independent live in instead? Wheee would I go to find someone like that?

Can you move her into your home and care for her? If you make less than $24K a month, it would be cheaper to do it yourself.

No, don't do that! Why would you quit your job to do that? Also, you cannot easily provide round the clock care by yourself, you would easily burn out. Not to mention you likely have a family yourself and deserve to live life that is not being a 24/7 caregiver

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised at the number of posters who seem to think that theft and abuse are unique to home aides. I’ve seen theft in institutions and homes, and abuse in institutions. Bad things can happen at home or in an institution.

But less likely to happen in an institution, where there is oversite. More eyes to watch and prevent it. Especially If you research the institution and their path over the years.

At home, you have round the clock care, and likely are not there that often yourself to witness what is happening

Anonymous wrote:Hi, Op here:

We tried several fall devices and she kept taking them off. The one time she fell with the device on, and it contacted someone, she told them she was fine. She didn’t want to “bother” anyone so she stayed on the floor until another relative came by.

Even though falls can still happen with someone there, they can remind her to use her walker and assess if she falls and determine if she needs medical care or just some help up.

We do pay hourly but it comes out to $6K a week. She definitely needs someone 24/hr with the meds, transportation, helping with drs appts, memory issues. She had an aunt that was a victim of elder abuse in a “home” and so she is terrified, absolutely terrified of assisted living/memory care. It literally gives her nightmares.

That’s the trade-off for remaining in her home. TBH, how do you expect to get by on less than $6000/week? That’s 3 caregivers working in shifts of 40 hours, then more to cover the weekends.

I know it’s hard to see your perceived money go up in smoke (into the pockets of the agency and caregivers), but it is what it is. Every time my MiL starts in on how she wants just one person, I ask her what will happen when that person calls in sick and does she really expect one person to do all the work she doesn’t want to do. Well, I’m not so harsh about the last part though she did give me such a hard time about having a nanny.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$6k a WEEK!?

We pay $9k a MONTH for assisted living.

And they are two different things.

$28 per pound for Filet mignon!?
We pay $4.79 per pound for 20% fat ground beef.

You win for being rude.

You win for being ignorant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$6k a WEEK!?

We pay $9k a MONTH for assisted living.

And they are two different things.

$28 per pound for Filet mignon!?
We pay $4.79 per pound for 20% fat ground beef.

You win for being rude.

I think they were both rude. People have a blind spot where they think it’s okay to be rude and judgmental about anyone who spends more than they deem “normal” or “appropriate.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$6k a WEEK!?

We pay $9k a MONTH for assisted living.

And they are two different things.

$28 per pound for Filet mignon!?
We pay $4.79 per pound for 20% fat ground beef.

You win for being rude.

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives with us and the care was killing me and putting strain on my family. I finally hired an agency for three times a week. Then it went to 5. As she grew more challenging in many ways and her fall risk increased, we went to full time.

It is VERY expensive and people don’t understand why we need it and don’t do it ourselves. With both of us working and kids, it was driving me into the ground. I have guilt when people try to shame me for this and the cost. But we pay all of her housing costs and keep her safe. People make us feel like we don’t deserve to live our lives and paint us as lazy or selfish.

That’s lovely on top of the strain and stress. May they never be in this position.

People just don’t get it. When there are full time aides, you can bet there is still a family member putting in a lot of care hours. Employee admin, problem solving, stocking everything, and mainly helping with the hardest parts of the day. It can take two people to transfer someone and family are still also going to be involved when someone is having hallucinations, things like that.

I am a PP who posted above about how my MIL oversaw aides for my late FIL. HUGE amounts of work. I also saw huge amounts of work take place with another relative in assisted living/memory care - things to buy and bring, issues to manage, dealing with phone calls, etc.

In both situations - one on DH's side of the family and one on my side of the family - there was a local relative shouldering most of the workload. And other relative(s) from out of town trying to vocalize how the work should be done, without knowing the extent of the issues. Part also had to do with out-of-town relatives complaining about costs (and how the eventual estate was being spent) but they did not know the level of care. Declined opportunities to provide respite care/give the in-town sibling/relative a break.

Anonymous wrote:$6k a WEEK!?

We pay $9k a MONTH for assisted living.

And they are two different things.

$28 per pound for Filet mignon!?
We pay $4.79 per pound for 20% fat ground beef.

$6k a WEEK!?

We pay $9k a MONTH for assisted living.

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives with us and the care was killing me and putting strain on my family. I finally hired an agency for three times a week. Then it went to 5. As she grew more challenging in many ways and her fall risk increased, we went to full time.

It is VERY expensive and people don’t understand why we need it and don’t do it ourselves. With both of us working and kids, it was driving me into the ground. I have guilt when people try to shame me for this and the cost. But we pay all of her housing costs and keep her safe. People make us feel like we don’t deserve to live our lives and paint us as lazy or selfish.

That’s lovely on top of the strain and stress. May they never be in this position.

People just don’t get it. When there are full time aides, you can bet there is still a family member putting in a lot of care hours. Employee admin, problem solving, stocking everything, and mainly helping with the hardest parts of the day. It can take two people to transfer someone and family are still also going to be involved when someone is having hallucinations, things like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love reading how the top 5% live. So spending 300K a year is normal.

It's not "normal"-but it is what that kind of service costs.

Yeah, I don’t get the anger. If someone has the assets and is terminally ill, I think it’s a pretty valid thing to spend it on if that’s what you/your family want.

Anonymous wrote:The IRS had rules and regulations on in home live in care. I'd check their regulations regarding pay.

DP but I would definitely recommend using a payroll service if you’re not using an agency. Care.com has one called Homepay, and there are a bunch of others. They will do direct deposit for you and handle the taxes. You will also want to talk to an insurance agent about adding workers comp coverage or whatever you determine is appropriate.

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised at the number of posters who seem to think that theft and abuse are unique to home aides. I’ve seen theft in institutions and homes, and abuse in institutions. Bad things can happen at home or in an institution.

This is correct. My family was shocked and disappointed when our relative's heirloom (gold) cross was stolen from her at a local hospital that is considered reputable. This was emergency circumstances where she went into the hospital so no one was thinking about "valuables."