Yes and have updated more than once. First was my parents, then after DH died I changed it to his out of state sister. Now that my oldest is 20, she would be guardian of her younger siblings (ages 16 and 13). As I developed health issues myself, I’ll be relieved when I get them all to adulthood!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have to do it. We wrote and signed a letter, but it’s nothing official. Our families live abroad. Our kids would go to my parents who regularly take them for weeks in the summer. They are late 60s and our kids are 11, 9 and 5. I cannot see my eldest taking care of her younger siblings, but I can definitely see my middle child taking care of both younger and older sibling.

My brother would also take them, but he is currently a single dad going through a divorce. He has one child. We might have him become guardian once his life is a bit more stable.
DH has very old parents that are not close to our kids and 3 siblings that are not suitable for different reasons.

Everyone trying to micromanage what would happen in an unthinkable tragedy is just missing the point. If you and your spouse suddenly died, obviously the brother would step up. Testamentary guardianship is not some kind of prize you give a relative for conducting their lives currently in the way you think is best. Just pick the closest relative you think cares the most about your kids who doesn’t have any true impediments to parenting, and be done with it. It’s more important to think through estate issues to make sure that things are set up so kids’ guardians get access to money to care for them but can’t steal it all.

I think there are quite a few posters here, including myself, who do not have the bolded. My mom is married to a groomer (not my Dad). My Dad is incapable of raising children and abandoned my 10-year-old brother for weeks on end when he had custody. My MIL has dementia. My FIL is a workaholic and is incapable of thinking of anyone but himself. Literally, has never come to my kids' games, does not call him on his birthday or give a gift, spends no 1:1 time with him, etc. He told my husband when he was 18 that if anything happens, he's on his own but that hed be available Sunday evenings if anything came up. His Dad would not return his phone calls or messages until Sunday evening. He lives within 20 miles of our house.

The money part isnt the issue, its the care part.

+1

All the "just pick a relative" people have no idea what it's like to not have that option.

I mean, of all the things to worry about. It’s going to be a horrible tragedy if both parents die either way. Not really worth thinking about IMO.

Anonymous wrote:Our close friends. They live a few blocks away, their daughter is our daughters' best friend and they attend the same school (she is 2 years old).

And of course we discuss it with them! We asked them if they were willing and the husband is a financial planner so we laid out the financial piece in terms of what was going into the trust, etc.

Taking on someone's kid or kids would be a huge ask so the person accepting should be ready, willing, and able to do it.

I meant two years older, not two years old

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our nanny. DH’s family is all overseas, and I had our kids at 39 and 41 and my only sibling is 8 years older. If we picked my sister then our kids would be at a high risk of not only losing both parents before 18 but then also losing their replacement guardian at a youngish age. Nanny is late-20’s and single but she loves them like her own and would make sure that our family is in their lives but she would also be able to be there for them for decades to come after their extended family have died or succumbed to dementia.

This is … weird. Your nanny is your employee, not your relative. It seems like you think your nanny will continue working for you after your (theoretical) death. And she likely didn’t feel she coule say no if you were still employing her! And yeah, presumably you’re also leaving her a big chunk of money?

You leave the money to/for the kids. Have you really never met with an estate planner?!?

So you assume the nanny is going to properly manage the money? does she get the whole estate?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister who lives 2 hours away. We're her back-up too. We have provisions in our will for paying for our kids' care and housing.

10 years ago our best couple friends asked us to be the back-up guardians for their four kids. We said yes, what else can you do? Her sibling lives on another continent and her husband's family is local but not ideal. But honestly, I would have a much harder time raising a friend's kids than a sibling's. I just don't love anyone as deeply as my FOO.

And yes, sometimes I lie awake at night imagining that BOTH of these couples die and I wind up with seven extra kids.

Though to be honest we haven't seen our couple friends as much recently, and I wouldn't be surprised if they've made other plans.

My mom's cousin, to whom she was not particularly close and who lived in MN (we lived in CA) asked my parents when she was going through chemo if my parents would be the guardians for their two sons if something happened to her and her husband (they were flying a lot for her treatments). My brother and I barely knew the two kids and one of them was special needs. My parents ended up saying no.

that sucks

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have to do it. We wrote and signed a letter, but it’s nothing official. Our families live abroad. Our kids would go to my parents who regularly take them for weeks in the summer. They are late 60s and our kids are 11, 9 and 5. I cannot see my eldest taking care of her younger siblings, but I can definitely see my middle child taking care of both younger and older sibling.

My brother would also take them, but he is currently a single dad going through a divorce. He has one child. We might have him become guardian once his life is a bit more stable.
DH has very old parents that are not close to our kids and 3 siblings that are not suitable for different reasons.

Everyone trying to micromanage what would happen in an unthinkable tragedy is just missing the point. If you and your spouse suddenly died, obviously the brother would step up. Testamentary guardianship is not some kind of prize you give a relative for conducting their lives currently in the way you think is best. Just pick the closest relative you think cares the most about your kids who doesn’t have any true impediments to parenting, and be done with it. It’s more important to think through estate issues to make sure that things are set up so kids’ guardians get access to money to care for them but can’t steal it all.

I think there are quite a few posters here, including myself, who do not have the bolded. My mom is married to a groomer (not my Dad). My Dad is incapable of raising children and abandoned my 10-year-old brother for weeks on end when he had custody. My MIL has dementia. My FIL is a workaholic and is incapable of thinking of anyone but himself. Literally, has never come to my kids' games, does not call him on his birthday or give a gift, spends no 1:1 time with him, etc. He told my husband when he was 18 that if anything happens, he's on his own but that hed be available Sunday evenings if anything came up. His Dad would not return his phone calls or messages until Sunday evening. He lives within 20 miles of our house.

The money part isnt the issue, its the care part.

+1

All the "just pick a relative" people have no idea what it's like to not have that option.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our nanny. DH’s family is all overseas, and I had our kids at 39 and 41 and my only sibling is 8 years older. If we picked my sister then our kids would be at a high risk of not only losing both parents before 18 but then also losing their replacement guardian at a youngish age. Nanny is late-20’s and single but she loves them like her own and would make sure that our family is in their lives but she would also be able to be there for them for decades to come after their extended family have died or succumbed to dementia.

This is … weird. Your nanny is your employee, not your relative. It seems like you think your nanny will continue working for you after your (theoretical) death. And she likely didn’t feel she coule say no if you were still employing her! And yeah, presumably you’re also leaving her a big chunk of money?

You leave the money to/for the kids. Have you really never met with an estate planner?!?

Anonymous wrote:My sister who lives 2 hours away. We're her back-up too. We have provisions in our will for paying for our kids' care and housing.

10 years ago our best couple friends asked us to be the back-up guardians for their four kids. We said yes, what else can you do? Her sibling lives on another continent and her husband's family is local but not ideal. But honestly, I would have a much harder time raising a friend's kids than a sibling's. I just don't love anyone as deeply as my FOO.

And yes, sometimes I lie awake at night imagining that BOTH of these couples die and I wind up with seven extra kids.

Though to be honest we haven't seen our couple friends as much recently, and I wouldn't be surprised if they've made other plans.

My mom's cousin, to whom she was not particularly close and who lived in MN (we lived in CA) asked my parents when she was going through chemo if my parents would be the guardians for their two sons if something happened to her and her husband (they were flying a lot for her treatments). My brother and I barely knew the two kids and one of them was special needs. My parents ended up saying no.

Our close friends. They live a few blocks away, their daughter is our daughters' best friend and they attend the same school (she is 2 years old).

And of course we discuss it with them! We asked them if they were willing and the husband is a financial planner so we laid out the financial piece in terms of what was going into the trust, etc.

Taking on someone's kid or kids would be a huge ask so the person accepting should be ready, willing, and able to do it.

Married almost 28 years, 3DC ages 25-18. Oldest DC has been named legal guardian and estate divided up equally. Also named my older sibling to assist with estate management (selling house, making decisions).

Prior to this, we named our then young ILs-the grandparents-as guardians. My own parents refused saying understandably that they were far too old for this responsibility.

DH and I are guardians for 4 families - his siblings and mine! We have the documents safely filed!

We initially chose family friends but recently changed it to a cousin and their spouse. We discussed it both times with the people we asked. My spouse really wanted to name their sibling and spouse, but the sibling and spouse, while very nice people, don't share some key values that are extremely important to me, as in something that was a non-negotiable when I was looking for a spouse.

Ideally, we would have options that wouldn't uproot our kids geographically. But we don't, so we ended up going with someone who has kids within a fews years of our kids and shares those non-negotiable values. Our kids are 12 and 15, so legally, we only have a few more years to worry about.

My younger brother. He's almost done, as our youngest is almost 17 so 1 year. Of course we asked him, this isn't a romcom. We have a will, life insurance, home equity, 401ks, so there is no $$ burden. More likely, youngest would stay with my parents who live up the street and finish out high school. This was not the scenario when we drafted our will.

My BIL and SIL selected us, and made it known verbally, but not in writing. My 67yo MIL did not like it, she would rather their son live with her and 78yo FIL. Her explanation was that nephew knows her the best and would not find as much love anywhere but her house. I agree that the initial love would not be as strong, but it would grow over time. She’s too old to take a 5 year old! Would I fight them in court? Do I have the willpower? Would she do the right thing and give him to us? I don’t know, but they’re my in laws so I’d follow my husband. I hope it doesn’t ever happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have to do it. We wrote and signed a letter, but it’s nothing official. Our families live abroad. Our kids would go to my parents who regularly take them for weeks in the summer. They are late 60s and our kids are 11, 9 and 5. I cannot see my eldest taking care of her younger siblings, but I can definitely see my middle child taking care of both younger and older sibling.

My brother would also take them, but he is currently a single dad going through a divorce. He has one child. We might have him become guardian once his life is a bit more stable.
DH has very old parents that are not close to our kids and 3 siblings that are not suitable for different reasons.

Everyone trying to micromanage what would happen in an unthinkable tragedy is just missing the point. If you and your spouse suddenly died, obviously the brother would step up. Testamentary guardianship is not some kind of prize you give a relative for conducting their lives currently in the way you think is best. Just pick the closest relative you think cares the most about your kids who doesn’t have any true impediments to parenting, and be done with it. It’s more important to think through estate issues to make sure that things are set up so kids’ guardians get access to money to care for them but can’t steal it all.

I don’t think anyone thinks of it as a prize? Rather a burden we don’t want to place on relatives currently already going through a hard time in other ways. When my first child was born, it was natural to assign testementary guardianship to my oldest sister (has already raised one kid, geographically near me, excited to have more kids in the family) with my parents as backup (healthy and excited about grandchildren and absolutely wonderful parents). But I will be redoing my will this year since we’ve moved and guardianship will be going to my middle sister now despsite her being across the country and not interested in kids because my oldest sister now has long covid and I don’t want to add additional stress to her life and my dad is in cancer treatments so likewise don’t want to add burdens. If my sister needs help or can’t manage my daughter’s godmother is the backup. I’m lucky to have so many people in our lives who WOULD step up if asked but I don’t want to ask someone who’s already struggling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have to do it. We wrote and signed a letter, but it’s nothing official. Our families live abroad. Our kids would go to my parents who regularly take them for weeks in the summer. They are late 60s and our kids are 11, 9 and 5. I cannot see my eldest taking care of her younger siblings, but I can definitely see my middle child taking care of both younger and older sibling.

My brother would also take them, but he is currently a single dad going through a divorce. He has one child. We might have him become guardian once his life is a bit more stable.
DH has very old parents that are not close to our kids and 3 siblings that are not suitable for different reasons.

Everyone trying to micromanage what would happen in an unthinkable tragedy is just missing the point. If you and your spouse suddenly died, obviously the brother would step up. Testamentary guardianship is not some kind of prize you give a relative for conducting their lives currently in the way you think is best. Just pick the closest relative you think cares the most about your kids who doesn’t have any true impediments to parenting, and be done with it. It’s more important to think through estate issues to make sure that things are set up so kids’ guardians get access to money to care for them but can’t steal it all.

I think there are quite a few posters here, including myself, who do not have the bolded. My mom is married to a groomer (not my Dad). My Dad is incapable of raising children and abandoned my 10-year-old brother for weeks on end when he had custody. My MIL has dementia. My FIL is a workaholic and is incapable of thinking of anyone but himself. Literally, has never come to my kids' games, does not call him on his birthday or give a gift, spends no 1:1 time with him, etc. He told my husband when he was 18 that if anything happens, he's on his own but that hed be available Sunday evenings if anything came up. His Dad would not return his phone calls or messages until Sunday evening. He lives within 20 miles of our house.

The money part isnt the issue, its the care part.