Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- how old is your kid? At what age did this sort of behavior start? My child was diagnoses ASD and ADHD and we are bracing ourselves for the future.

I am wondering the exact same thing about my ASD DC 8 year old. Were these kids always prone to this behavior or is it something that happens in time? For us currently, it’s very difficult to envision my guy behaving this way.

Is it something I need to try to prepare for on the front end while he’s fairly compliant/agreeable, or will he continue to be compliant/agreeable?

Thank you.

Our kid is like OP's. There were signs from the beginning, but it really took off starting in middle school, and has gotten worse each year. If you want to prepare on the front end, work on executive functioning, social/emotional intelligence, and communication skills.

I think parent coaching for you and DH to help you handle these tough situations.

You can't really "change" a kid like this, you have to wait for him to grow up and in the meantime change the way you relate to him.

It is very humbling, but you have to toss out the typical parenting handbook and start over.

For example, if you know people coming over is a trigger, you need to account for that. I am NOT blaming you. I have an ASD/PDA kid who doesn't like company either. I give him advanced warning, make sure he is set up for food and anything else he needs and give him a hard stop as to when the guests will leave.

Is your kid PDA? Some of this sounds like equalizing behavior, albeit very extreme.

I would rethink the "vindictive" label. Your kid may be doing the best he can with the limited communication and social skills he has. This takes the patience of a saint, but look into low-demand parenting, declarative language, and At Peace Parenting. Donna Henderson, in Silver Spring, is a therapist who works with PDA kids:


https://www.drdonnahenderson.com

There is also a local FB group.

You are not alone, and there are things you can do to help have peace in your home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long did it take him to clean up the trash?

OP here. You know he didn’t.

Seriously?! Mine would’ve been cleaning all night and steam cleaning again today.

You don’t have this kind of kid then. Not OP here.

How are you making kid clean the trash? Would you take away cellphone/electronics? Kid doesn’t care. Threaten to cancel vacation? Kid doesn’t care. And I mean they will fully lay on the bed or sit & stare at the wall for days rather than do whatever you are forcing, while the garbage rots & stains your furniture & rugs.

This is what OP is dealing with.

NP—thank you for posting this. People that don’t have kids like this are infuriating when they comment. They assume that we’re not parenting our kids or just letting them do whatever they want. They have no idea what we’re dealing with.

Yup, meanwhile, they are raising absolute jerks who are NT, but never explicitly taught them anything about compassion

+1. Their kids might be NT, but they sure are feeding them the entitlement. I always say at least we are teaching our kids about grace and social stuff.

Anonymous wrote:OP- how old is your kid? At what age did this sort of behavior start? My child was diagnoses ASD and ADHD and we are bracing ourselves for the future.

I am wondering the exact same thing about my ASD DC 8 year old. Were these kids always prone to this behavior or is it something that happens in time? For us currently, it’s very difficult to envision my guy behaving this way.

Is it something I need to try to prepare for on the front end while he’s fairly compliant/agreeable, or will he continue to be compliant/agreeable?

Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long did it take him to clean up the trash?

OP here. You know he didn’t.

Seriously?! Mine would’ve been cleaning all night and steam cleaning again today.

You don’t have this kind of kid then. Not OP here.

How are you making kid clean the trash? Would you take away cellphone/electronics? Kid doesn’t care. Threaten to cancel vacation? Kid doesn’t care. And I mean they will fully lay on the bed or sit & stare at the wall for days rather than do whatever you are forcing, while the garbage rots & stains your furniture & rugs.

This is what OP is dealing with.

NP—thank you for posting this. People that don’t have kids like this are infuriating when they comment. They assume that we’re not parenting our kids or just letting them do whatever they want. They have no idea what we’re dealing with.

Yup, meanwhile, they are raising absolute jerks who are NT, but never explicitly taught them anything about compassion

OP- how old is your kid? At what age did this sort of behavior start? My child was diagnoses ASD and ADHD and we are bracing ourselves for the future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone mentioned DBT? This sounds like emotional regulation issues to me, and DBT is supposed to be good for this type of thing. The ASD rigidity and inflexibility, combined with the sometime-lacking social/empathy component (at least in our case), make this type of situation hard. Plus, any teen is going through a lot and an emotional rollercoaster, so these kids are super tough. Hugs.

Oh gosh. I don’t think anyone has mentioned DBT. There isn’t a lot of research about its effectiveness for ASD, and it requires a ton of time, money, and buy-in to do it right. We were led to believe that this was the only approach that would help our late-diagnosed ASD teen, and it was a source of misery for us. Maybe it’s worth a try, but I think it’s really unfortunate that people keep suggesting it for ASD. The radical acceptance part alone is a massive challenge for these kids.

We finally found someone who could get through to our kid, with improved medications, parent training, and therapy (not in DC). The medication made way for everything else to start working, but it was a slow process.

Dr j marshack prescribes it for asd adults or teens. They need to rehabitualize many things and that takes time and a third party. Takes a year to graduate all the modules.

OP, has he tried anti depressants? They changed our lives - kid lost most of the difficult behaviors. Miracle for us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long did it take him to clean up the trash?

OP here. You know he didn’t.

Seriously?! Mine would’ve been cleaning all night and steam cleaning again today.

Then you do not belong in this thread. Those of us who’ve dealt with PDA know better.

That is crazy. Your husband could've been shot and killed from the swatting. People have died from this. Your son needs much more intensive help than what the current therapist can provide. PHP or residential. I second the posters that recommend calling 911 the next time he does something that risks your family's safety. When was the last time he saw a psychiatrist?

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone mentioned DBT? This sounds like emotional regulation issues to me, and DBT is supposed to be good for this type of thing. The ASD rigidity and inflexibility, combined with the sometime-lacking social/empathy component (at least in our case), make this type of situation hard. Plus, any teen is going through a lot and an emotional rollercoaster, so these kids are super tough. Hugs.

Oh gosh. I don’t think anyone has mentioned DBT. There isn’t a lot of research about its effectiveness for ASD, and it requires a ton of time, money, and buy-in to do it right. We were led to believe that this was the only approach that would help our late-diagnosed ASD teen, and it was a source of misery for us. Maybe it’s worth a try, but I think it’s really unfortunate that people keep suggesting it for ASD. The radical acceptance part alone is a massive challenge for these kids.

We finally found someone who could get through to our kid, with improved medications, parent training, and therapy (not in DC). The medication made way for everything else to start working, but it was a slow process.

Has anyone mentioned DBT? This sounds like emotional regulation issues to me, and DBT is supposed to be good for this type of thing. The ASD rigidity and inflexibility, combined with the sometime-lacking social/empathy component (at least in our case), make this type of situation hard. Plus, any teen is going through a lot and an emotional rollercoaster, so these kids are super tough. Hugs.

The NVR approach sounds fascinating to me (NP with a similar kid). All I can find online are academic papers or therapists who will train you in it. Has anyone found a good source of examples and info for at least some self-implementation? I'd like to understand it better before shelling out for a therapist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long did it take him to clean up the trash?

OP here. You know he didn’t.

Seriously?! Mine would’ve been cleaning all night and steam cleaning again today.

NP. So you don't have a vindictive ASD DC. Just unhelpful criticism.

I get told no, I spread garbage on the floor, I do fun things while mom cleans it up. Watching mom get upset and clean garbage is fun. Next time she’ll probably get me what I want, if she doesn’t I’ll make a bigger mess.

I get told no, I spread garbage on the floor, I spend all night and day cleaning and don’t get to do fun things. Cleaning garbage is smelly and not fun, Next time I won’t spread garbage.

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry. I am an ASD mama, too. I feel you and you are not alone!

OP, how old and what is your long term plan? If it's a teen it's not too early to start thinking about "Transition to Adulthood" stuff. Do they have an IEP? What is the plan when they turn 18?