Anonymous wrote:I would be less concerned about the parents for now, but rather that this is a new-ish friendship. Has your daughter been over her house multiple times? Does your daughter know her parents at all? Does this friend identify as gay/bi (a lot of middle school girls do). I wouldn’t want my teen spending the night with a friend she doesn’t know very well, or hasn’t met the parents, or has not spent much time at their house

Would you not allow a sleepover with a kid who was gay/bi, even if they weren't dating each other? It's so common now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD13 doesn’t have school tomorrow and is going home today with a new-ish friend and a couple other friends. They are going to see a movie. This morning DD asks if she can spend the night, that a sleepover has suddenly been planned and all of the girls are sleeping over. The mom is ok with it. No brothers in the house. Mom will be home the entire time. I’ve never met the mom in person, but I’ll shoot her a text. Would you be comfortable with this? They live about a mile away.

Yes, this is the how it works at this age.

How is "no brothers in the house" relevant to anything?

OP here. I don’t think it matters but I put it out there because I assumed someone would want all the facts. You know DCUM.

Thanks for your reply!

It's not in any way relevant to the question you posed, though. It was a strange thing to mention.

No it wasn’t a strange thing to mention, PP.
You’re being obtuse to feign cluelessness about why it was mentioned
About 98% of all sexual assault is perpetrated by males. Assault crimes require opportunity. For a potential predator, Opportunity and vulnerability is created when young girls are sleeping in the next room.
Does this mean that a brother is necessarily a predator?
No.
But don’t be obnoxious by pretending you have no idea why that extraneous detail would be mentioned
Some parents simply prefer to eliminate opportunity rather than attempt to assess the nature of the boy in question.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD13 doesn’t have school tomorrow and is going home today with a new-ish friend and a couple other friends. They are going to see a movie. This morning DD asks if she can spend the night, that a sleepover has suddenly been planned and all of the girls are sleeping over. The mom is ok with it. No brothers in the house. Mom will be home the entire time. I’ve never met the mom in person, but I’ll shoot her a text. Would you be comfortable with this? They live about a mile away.

Yes, this is the how it works at this age.

How is "no brothers in the house" relevant to anything?

DP but it came out many years later that a friend's brother was molesting his sister's friend at sleepovers. My parents did not allow me to do sleepovers, thank god.

This is much more common than you think. I was molested during a sleepover when I was 8 by my best friend’s 14-year-old brother. The parents went out shopping, and he made his move trying to make of seem like it was a game. My friend didn’t do or say anything which confused me. I learned 11 years later when we were in our late teens that she was being sexually abused by her dad.

This did scar me and made it scary for me to go to my friend’s house. I tried to keep our playdates at my house as much as possible after that but I never told my parents because they would have severed our friendship.

No. Pick her up at midnight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD13 doesn’t have school tomorrow and is going home today with a new-ish friend and a couple other friends. They are going to see a movie. This morning DD asks if she can spend the night, that a sleepover has suddenly been planned and all of the girls are sleeping over. The mom is ok with it. No brothers in the house. Mom will be home the entire time. I’ve never met the mom in person, but I’ll shoot her a text. Would you be comfortable with this? They live about a mile away.

Yes, this is the how it works at this age.

How is "no brothers in the house" relevant to anything?

Not OP, but a friend of mine was sexually molested by an older brother at a sleepover. She was eleven and he was 14.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of parents here in this thread should be less worried about the what ifs at a sleepover, and more worried about the anxiety disorder they are likely giving their children by treating every mundane activity like a potential death trap.

My child will have anxiety because I don’t let her sleep over at a strangers house?!?

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of parents here in this thread should be less worried about the what ifs at a sleepover, and more worried about the anxiety disorder they are likely giving their children by treating every mundane activity like a potential death trap.

Not knowing the parents is not just a “mundane activity”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD13 doesn’t have school tomorrow and is going home today with a new-ish friend and a couple other friends. They are going to see a movie. This morning DD asks if she can spend the night, that a sleepover has suddenly been planned and all of the girls are sleeping over. The mom is ok with it. No brothers in the house. Mom will be home the entire time. I’ve never met the mom in person, but I’ll shoot her a text. Would you be comfortable with this? They live about a mile away.

Yes, this is the how it works at this age.

How is "no brothers in the house" relevant to anything?

DP but it came out many years later that a friend's brother was molesting his sister's friend at sleepovers. My parents did not allow me to do sleepovers, thank god.

I feel like a lot of parents here in this thread should be less worried about the what ifs at a sleepover, and more worried about the anxiety disorder they are likely giving their children by treating every mundane activity like a potential death trap.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD13 doesn’t have school tomorrow and is going home today with a new-ish friend and a couple other friends. They are going to see a movie. This morning DD asks if she can spend the night, that a sleepover has suddenly been planned and all of the girls are sleeping over. The mom is ok with it. No brothers in the house. Mom will be home the entire time. I’ve never met the mom in person, but I’ll shoot her a text. Would you be comfortable with this? They live about a mile away.

Yes, this is the how it works at this age.

How is "no brothers in the house" relevant to anything?

Brothers, particularly older brothers, are all sexual deviants/molesters, didn't you know? I hate this attitude. I have an older boy/younger girl. Not one of DD's friends has ever not been able to sleep at our house after being invited, but in 7th grade (FCPS, so first year of MS), she is still primarily friends with kids from ES and they all at least kind of know our family and my son. Just waiting for the day when it becomes an issue.

I have a boy who is 7 years older than my DD. She is still young now, but this has crossed my mind as a concern for when she is a bit older and has a teen brother in the home. It sucks that the world works this way, but I also sort of get it if that gives families pause. Especially since in my experience there can be a disconnect in families where family A’s youngest is the same age as family B’s oldest because they may be in different stages of life and if you’ve only ever had young kids then having a teen could seem like a gamble.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughters are 16 & 17 so maybe I just don't remember, but this seems really weird to me. Until what age do you all continue to need to contact the other parents?

Until they leave my house at 18

This!

No. And I have boys. Still no.

Yes- you can call mom rather than text if you have additional worries.

Anonymous wrote:DD13 doesn’t have school tomorrow and is going home today with a new-ish friend and a couple other friends. They are going to see a movie. This morning DD asks if she can spend the night, that a sleepover has suddenly been planned and all of the girls are sleeping over. The mom is ok with it. No brothers in the house. Mom will be home the entire time. I’ve never met the mom in person, but I’ll shoot her a text. Would you be comfortable with this? They live about a mile away.

No

Why in The world would you. We teach kids stranger danger and then you shove them over night to a place you have never been.

And no one say I’m nuts my kids led very free lives metro by themselves buses freedom on bikes no sleepovers

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a no from me,

I understand everything will probably be fine OP- but go ahead and call the mom. Speak to her. I hate talking on the phone myself, but you have to got to elevate this beyond text.

How do you casually work this series of questions into the conversation
Do you own a gun?
Is your husband on the sex offenders list?
Any creepy uncles or other house guests?

"Thank you so much, this is so nice of you. I hope it's ok, just for my peace of mind- who will be home? where will the girls be sleeping? do you have any pets? Just wanted to check with you also- alcohol, weapons?" If you get a vibe you can throw in a comment like "Sorry don't mean to be over the top, but I've heard of some incidents" or whatever.

Also speak to your DD and tell her how to be smart and aware and safe.

And you don't have to be casual. These are fair questions. You don't have to be rude, it's just a conversation.

I've never understood the point of asking these questions. The parents you need to worry about wouldn't ever admit to having alcohol out for the kids to sneak or guns that weren't properly stored. They're not hooked up to a lie detector. It makes you feel better to ask, but doesn't change the underlying safety risk at all.

It’s not full proof and of course people can lie, but it at least gives you some sort of baseline. There’s likely a different vibe from a parent lying (and probably defensive/giving a basic “no” as an answer) vs a parent who comes off as really forthcoming. E.g. someone who says “We do have a firearm in the home because my spouse is a LEO and we make sure to lock it up in a biometric safe” or an empathic “no, we are not a gun household” who seems open to questions is going to give me a better feeling than someone who is vague, seems put off by my questions, etc. It’s not perfect, but it’s helpful to know if this is a parent whose style you click with.