Anonymous wrote:You say your aunt asked in a polite way, but it sounds like she was being unkind. Just because she felt judged back in the day doesn’t mean she should ask you if you feel judged. Your mom said something simplistic, but she was right to shut down that line of questioning from your aunt. Don’t give it another thought.

Yeah, I got the same feeling about the aunt, that she's meddlesome and judgey of the small ring, though her wording was polite. OP's mom shut her down effectively.

I'm not sure why you are so triggered by my comment.

When you write, "You are so triggered," you try to discount my words by using the term "triggered" in a clinical sense, such as when TV shows have trigger warnings to let viewers know that the show contains sensitive content. Men have accused women of doing this forever (e.g., my joke about blonds triggered her, and she went off the rails.) Do better.

I don't like putting women in boxes, like OPs mom did. I dont like a knee jerk reaction that if a woman says something negative that it stems from jealousy.

I do not like putting people into boxes. Try to be more inclusive.

Wimp/nerd/geek are definitely not exclusively used for men. I've even been called a nerd/geek because I liked reading growing up

Really? Have you ever been in a physical fight because someone called you a nerd? Plenty of men have because the term is used to emasculate. Sadly, you are using a trite example to mask the use of a hurtful term.

I dont have middle school kids, but slightly older. They are all about being a "girls girl" and building up their female counterparts.

That's good to hear. I have three daughters, all three of whom have graduated from college and entered the workforce.

I also dont think that when women judge appearance it's often jealousy. Perhaps you hang out with a very jealous crew, but people judge for all sorts of reasons. Boiling down any negative comment to jealousy is lazy and petty. Humans are rounded individuals full of emotions and feelings. Far more than just jealousy.

Again, your writing is trite. Of course, humans have more emotions than jealousy, but this fact does not support your position that women do not judge other women's appearance jealously. Be honest. Have you ever said something about another woman's appearance to your friends to demean her (e.g., I cannot believe she wore a top that tight)? Of course, you have.

I think if you're talking superficial things, then probably.

But I judge the hell out of the woman who was in the Truth vs. Alex Jones who perpetuated the lie that Sandy Hook was a hoax and it's not because I'm jealous or smug, it's because she's a piece of trash. (I also judge the hell out of Alex Jones and many others who were involved, but you asked about women and she was the only prominent woman who was featured so that's why I called her out. Many men were worse).

Anonymous wrote:I only judge the women who have those big, honkin’ rocks on their fingers. Too showy for me.

Ok, so then maybe you're being smug because you think you're so cool that you don't need a big ring to show off.

Or maybe you're actually jealous because you want one. Be real with yourself here. It's anonymous.

Anonymous wrote:

How many times have you heard "Ugh I can't believe she said that. She's just jealous!!!" Not all women are jealous and "catty" (a term almost exclusively used for women). There is a trend to discount things women say because theyre just jealous, trying to pit women against each other.

Not all women are jealous and catty all (or most) of the time. However, every woman is sometimes jealous or catty (or both). You seem bothered by the fact that the term "catty" is almost exclusively used for women. However, are you bothered by the fact that terms like "wimp," "nerd," and "geek" are used exclusively for men?

There has been a big push in the younger generations to discard this and support other women.

Bullshit. Do you have daughters in middle school? Young women are still doing the same things to each other that their mothers did 30 years ago and their mothers did 30 years before that.

Yeah, you may not like everyone, but just because you dislike someone it shouldn't automatically be assumed its because youre jealous. Which is what OPs mom is trying to say (or smug), which I disagree with. I'm not saying anything about how harshly women judge other women or comparing their judgement to men, only the automatic assumption it's because its based on jealousy.

Enlighten me. When a woman unfavorably judges another woman's appearance (something I have heard my entire life, from grade school to retirement parties), how often is it not motivated by jealousy? Answer: seldom.

I'm not sure why you are so triggered by my comment. I don't like putting women in boxes, like OPs mom did. I dont like a knee jerk reaction that if a woman says something negative that it stems from jealousy.

Wimp/nerd/geek are definitely not exclusively used for men. I've even been called a nerd/geek because I liked reading growing up

I dont have middle school kids, but slightly older. They are all about being a "girls girl" and building up their female counterparts.

I also dont think that when women judge appearance it's often jealousy. Perhaps you hang out with a very jealous crew, but people judge for all sorts of reasons. Boiling down any negative comment to jealousy is lazy and petty. Humans are rounded individuals full of emotions and feelings. Far more than just jealousy.

You say your aunt asked in a polite way, but it sounds like she was being unkind. Just because she felt judged back in the day doesn’t mean she should ask you if you feel judged. Your mom said something simplistic, but she was right to shut down that line of questioning from your aunt. Don’t give it another thought.

Anonymous wrote:

This sounds like another way to make women into an old sexist trope and stereotype. People judge people for all sorts of reasons. Many more than just two.

Please tell me about this sexist trope. Women judge other women more harshly than men judge women.

From junior high to Sunrise Senior Living, women judge their friends and enemies and often act on these judgments by saying and doing horrible things. For all the hand-wringing we read on DCUM about what men say to women, we do not read much about how awful women can be to each other.

+1 Women are the ones who have blocked women's progress, look at the women who blocked the ERA. Also, look at the zillion mommy wars threads on this site.

I judge moms for their ill-behaved children all the time, and I’m definitely not jealous or smug. I feel guilty about it because I’m certain every time I have a fleeting judgment that my kids will act up to punish me for my judgy thoughts!

How many times have you heard "Ugh I can't believe she said that. She's just jealous!!!" Not all women are jealous and "catty" (a term almost exclusively used for women). There is a trend to discount things women say because theyre just jealous, trying to pit women against each other.

Not all women are jealous and catty all (or most) of the time. However, every woman is sometimes jealous or catty (or both). You seem bothered by the fact that the term "catty" is almost exclusively used for women. However, are you bothered by the fact that terms like "wimp," "nerd," and "geek" are used exclusively for men?

There has been a big push in the younger generations to discard this and support other women.

Bullshit. Do you have daughters in middle school? Young women are still doing the same things to each other that their mothers did 30 years ago and their mothers did 30 years before that.

Yeah, you may not like everyone, but just because you dislike someone it shouldn't automatically be assumed its because youre jealous. Which is what OPs mom is trying to say (or smug), which I disagree with. I'm not saying anything about how harshly women judge other women or comparing their judgement to men, only the automatic assumption it's because its based on jealousy.

Enlighten me. When a woman unfavorably judges another woman's appearance (something I have heard my entire life, from grade school to retirement parties), how often is it not motivated by jealousy? Answer: seldom.

I am generally so overwhelmed with life that I don't have mental capacity to judge

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

Hmm. There is that smugness OP's mom referenced. I just think those larger rings suggest the wearer thinks gems are pretty and that they enjoy sparkling jewelry.

Or that the DH adores them and gave them something really nice to say "thanks for the last 20 years" which my DH did. Platinum, 3 stone, emerald cut 4 1/2 carats, GIA F, etc., and I love it!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

Hmm. There is that smugness OP's mom referenced. I just think those larger rings suggest the wearer thinks gems are pretty and that they enjoy sparkling jewelry.

I just noticed a woman's large ring while she was checking out in the craft store this morning and my thought was "wow, that seems like it would get in the way for a lot of tasks". Like does it get caught in your hair a lot? Do you take it off at the gym every time? It's the same response I've had to super long nails.
I've never paid too much attention to jewelry, although I appreciate pretty pieces that are a style I like. I do associate a very very large with ring with someone who has money or wants to appear they have money, but it's not really a moral judgment, just an association.

You should always take your rings off for the gym! Dangerous, bad, really gross things can happen to fingers with rings at the gym

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

Hmm. There is that smugness OP's mom referenced. I just think those larger rings suggest the wearer thinks gems are pretty and that they enjoy sparkling jewelry.

Sure, maybe, but an average size ring can be beautiful and sparkly...there are certainly rings that are a "statement" and that statement is not purely for the wearer's personal enjoyment.

Anonymous wrote:I judge women who don't keep up their appearance then cry that their husbands are disinterested or cheating. I empathize that we're all very busy and men shouldn't be so shallow but... Men are visual creatures - the solution is simple. You won't catch me at the grocery store looking disheveled, fat, or unmoisturized.

What does dressing to go to the grocery store have to do with husbands cheating? Seems like you're dressing up (or moisturizing?) for the grocery store stock boys rather than anyone else

I get judge-y when I am feeling insecure or when my depression/anxiety is flaring up. Otherwise I'm more of a "she looks awesome" person. But I can definitely tell the difference in my mood when I have judgmental thoughts.