Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, I couldn't live with you either. I am a perfectionist sort of person who married another perfectionist sort of a person and we had perfectionist kids. It's a wonder we can get anything done! But when we do, we're happy and the quality is great

We're research scientists, BTW.
If ever you get cancer, you'll be reassured to know that the people who worked on your treatment didn't go: "Eh what the heck, Molecule A is practically the same as Molecule B: just throw whichever in the mix. DONE!"

It takes all kinds, right?

Well, certainly, but some of us know the difference between working on cancer treatments and getting tired, hungry kids some fast food as requested by the birthday girl on the way home from an excursion. I’m not rushing anyone along when ordering at a fine dining establishment. There is an art to knowing when to be a perfectionist and when to go with the flow. I think it’s a valuable skill. -OP

PP you replied to. Sorry, I disagree entirely. Just because it's lowly fast-food, doesn't mean every item is the same. Just because it's a kid movie, doesn't mean there isn't a wide range of quality. It seems as though you care more about getting through the day, even if you don't enjoy it, than you care about savoring each moment. That's unutterably strange to me.

I actually don't know any people like you, OP. None of my friends or relatives are as impatient/impulsive and seemingly un-discerning as you. I agree that extreme personalities are always a little difficult, but in the case you're describing, I have to wonder if you're the extreme personality.

Please know that the DCUM sample is very skewed. You are the difficult ones. Spending time thinking about the Chik Fil A order when you know a person is trying to put the order in and you know what the options at Chik Fil A are is rude and self centered. You are saying - I do not care that you are the person responsible for the planning and procurement of the meal and the planning and organization of the rest of the day. Please stop what you are doing and wait while I, king of the castle have some deep thoughts about the merits of each CFA option, and also, read the CFA menu to me, like you are my servant, because I am too busy to pull up the phone or recall the information that is likely stored in my brain about the CFA options. I need to really think hard about whether I want the strips or the nuggets, or a grilled v fried sandwich. Because every single morsel that goes into my mouth must be absolute perfection and exactly what I desire at all times.

Just wait until you see the number of sauces they have at Chick-fil-A.

Team OP here! I think the constant hemming and hawing comes from a place of FOMO. God forbid you pick the wrong chick fil an order and the person next to you has something that looks much better. I came from a poor/single parented childhood and I think that helps me be okay with “good enough.” I think it’s a good skill, and also of course to know when to be detail oriented (the surgeons, etc.) You can be both flexible and fussy and be able to fluctuate between both characteristics when it is needed.

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever wants to make the deciding choice -- the response is always "I don't know" or "I don't care." It's exhausting to have be the one who has to make all the decisions, but then again, if you can decide you don't really care if it's not the one people secretly are hoping for, then it's also kind of liberating. You just make the decision and if others are displeased they can do / eat /watch something else.

My husband's family is like this. They think expressing a preference is rude and pushy. Meanwhile, his mom and brother will get annoyed if they don't get their way, even though they never actually expressed a preference. It drives me up a wall.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, I couldn't live with you either. I am a perfectionist sort of person who married another perfectionist sort of a person and we had perfectionist kids. It's a wonder we can get anything done! But when we do, we're happy and the quality is great

We're research scientists, BTW.
If ever you get cancer, you'll be reassured to know that the people who worked on your treatment didn't go: "Eh what the heck, Molecule A is practically the same as Molecule B: just throw whichever in the mix. DONE!"

It takes all kinds, right?

Well, certainly, but some of us know the difference between working on cancer treatments and getting tired, hungry kids some fast food as requested by the birthday girl on the way home from an excursion. I’m not rushing anyone along when ordering at a fine dining establishment. There is an art to knowing when to be a perfectionist and when to go with the flow. I think it’s a valuable skill. -OP

PP you replied to. Sorry, I disagree entirely. Just because it's lowly fast-food, doesn't mean every item is the same. Just because it's a kid movie, doesn't mean there isn't a wide range of quality. It seems as though you care more about getting through the day, even if you don't enjoy it, than you care about savoring each moment. That's unutterably strange to me.

I actually don't know any people like you, OP. None of my friends or relatives are as impatient/impulsive and seemingly un-discerning as you. I agree that extreme personalities are always a little difficult, but in the case you're describing, I have to wonder if you're the extreme personality.

Please know that the DCUM sample is very skewed. You are the difficult ones. Spending time thinking about the Chik Fil A order when you know a person is trying to put the order in and you know what the options at Chik Fil A are is rude and self centered. You are saying - I do not care that you are the person responsible for the planning and procurement of the meal and the planning and organization of the rest of the day. Please stop what you are doing and wait while I, king of the castle have some deep thoughts about the merits of each CFA option, and also, read the CFA menu to me, like you are my servant, because I am too busy to pull up the phone or recall the information that is likely stored in my brain about the CFA options. I need to really think hard about whether I want the strips or the nuggets, or a grilled v fried sandwich. Because every single morsel that goes into my mouth must be absolute perfection and exactly what I desire at all times.

It’s all well and good to offer limited options to avoid the fussy fussies, but then you’ll get labeled as “controlling,” or whatever. Oh well. I’d rather having things moving along than be derailed by precious picky people. I, too, have had dinners and entire evenings ruined by indecisiveness, as if it is some mystery that restaurants (at the beach or otherwise) get busy at dinner time. Call me controlling—I’m getting us fed, after learning the hard way that your indecisiveness will leave us out of luck and hungry.

I feel the same way. I don’t voice my impatience but I am thinking it. I think a lot of people are missing from the post that they were already planning to go to Chick Fila so it shouldn’t be a surprise where someone needs to find them a menu when they could pull it up on their phone if needed and they already had plans to see the movie , they were just offering her an invite.
My older kids are starting to be like this. It’s annoying when I am trying to double dash on a doordash order and they only give 15 mins for them to choose and they’re slowly looking at a menu where they’ve already eaten dozens of times before and always pick the same thing.

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t eaten at Chik Fil A so I would need to see the menu. Being told “sandwich, nuggets or salad” would not be enough for me. Sorry haters.

Sorry moron, in this case OPs husband has eaten there. He knows what's on the menu, this isn't about you. But then you're probably the type OP is talking about. Can't go with the flow, need to be special, all eyes on you.

I hear you OP and it’s a negotiating style difference - that or anxiety - maybe both. Trust me, there is no activity that my husband’s family can’t find a way to make 5x more complicated or take 3x longer than necessary. I am also the classic inflexible person who is grumpy when I’m out of my routine.

In my family of origin, you throw out an opening offer as an invitation for rebuttal. In your example I would say “Let’s see a movie” and that’s a chance for people to counter “what about the zoo?” Or I’d say “the kids and I are interested in the 3pm showing of Migration” and that’s an opening for someone to say “Are there any earlier times?”. You can’t just shrug and expect people to present you a complete menu of all the options and pros/cons. You are expected to articulate what it is you have an issue with? The activity type? The movie title selection? The timing? The theatre location? 90% of the time the person who started the discussion is willing to be flexible, they are just placing the starting bet.

In my husband’s family of origin, they value harmony more than anything. They start off with the most passive of questions. If planning dinner it will be something like “Is anyone’s feeling hungry?” Then they will proceed to take a poll of preferences for cuisine, sit down/take out, location, time, etc. Then once a choice is made (hooray! It’s taken 30 min, but we’re going to sit down at a pizzaria!) they will proceed to look up and review / discuss / compare 4 menus for another 30 min before we can leave the house. They just dance around these little statements like “we haven’t had Italian in a while” instead of saying “I want pizza” until everyone feels out the other people’s position and no one has the experience of suggesting something and being told “No”. They cannot handle conflict at all. When I was first married I’d say “Let’s have pizza at Dino’s at 6pm” and they would all say “ok” because they didn’t know what else to do and later my husband would ask why I was always so rude. Conversely my parents are convinced my husband has 0 opinions or preferences and will go along with anything they suggest.

I hear you….

For the CFA order or other common places: I rarely ask what anyone (in my immediate family) wants. I usually already know- and definitely know everyone’s preferences well enough to avoid disliked items. I do generally let all know I am ordering from restaurant xyz. If they have preferences they are welcome to speak up. Otherwise they get what they get. If someone wanted nuggets this time and got a sandwich- whatever. They will eat it anyway- it’s CFA and it is tasty.

For the movie it would’ve helped to be more specific. “Mom, Dad, we are seeing movie X at 2pm. Would you like to join us?” They may still have questions about the movie but at least choose the movie/time first and communicate that it is not negotiable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So irritating! I love my husband, but seriously, everything is always a production. We recently went to see a light show, and it was past dinner time, so I’m putting in a Chick-fil-A order for pickup on my phone (birthday kid’s request, and we knew this was their pick before we left the house). “Wellllll, I don’t knowwwwww, I need to look at the menu.” It’s Chick-fil-A. You get a sandwich, nuggets or a salad, pretty much. “Read me the mennnuuuuuu” and then proceeds to get a regular sandwich, like he always does.

His parents are the same way. I can’t just throw out an idea, every detail has to be picked over. “Do you want to see a kids’ movie today? The girls want to go see ‘Migration.’” Well what’s it about, blah blah blah…it’s a kid movie. About ducks. “Well let me read about it, gee, I don’t know.” It is a kid movie. I’m paying. In or out. “Well what are the times.” Well, 11:30, 2, 3:40. “WELLLLLLL, I don’t KNOWWWWWW…” You have nothing else to do today. You are parked on my sofa. In or out.

I just can’t stand how some adults don’t get that not everything is a production, not every single meal is super important, not every single activity is super important, it’s about the big picture and the flow of the day. Just go along to get along, sometimes! In or out!

I am team OP, with a couple caveats. First, on the Chik Fil A, OP is 100% right. It is CFA, a fast food restaurant and the man knows he's going to get a sandwich. OP is clearly the one who is having to manage the majority of the decisionmaking and detail deciding here and was honoring the birthday child request, which the DH had to know. It is not a debate. OP does not have time to read the CFA menu to a grown man.

On the movie, OP is still correct in that the grandparents were being somewhat annoying - BUT, OP, the better way to manage would have been: "Wishy Washy Granny - the girls have asked to see the movie Migration. It is a children's movie about ducks. We are going to the 2pm show time. Would you like to join us?"

DO NOT give these people choices or an inkling that they can influence certain plans. Only allow them that leeway when it does not matter - like a flexible vacation day where the choices are should we beach, pool, walk, stay home and play games. Do not let wishy washies lead when timing matters, when there is a large group of people depending on the outcome - like, hemming and hawing at the beach over where to get dinner, so that by the time you get there at 7, there is an hour long wait, when the 5:30 window would have been perfect for a large family group to get in without a wait.

Clearly the wishy washies are out in full force on this thread and sure, great, be that picky over my medical care and titration of a medicine. DO not waste everyone's time on Tuesday because you want 2 full hours to consider where you might like to eat dinner.

I am a pp with a similar husband that can’t make decisions. This is exactly the right way to do it. I tell him we are seeing a movie and ask if he wants to come. He doesn’t want to miss out so will make the decision quickly. If I give him choices, that is when he starts to get fussy.

No one in my family ever wants to make the deciding choice -- the response is always "I don't know" or "I don't care." It's exhausting to have be the one who has to make all the decisions, but then again, if you can decide you don't really care if it's not the one people secretly are hoping for, then it's also kind of liberating. You just make the decision and if others are displeased they can do / eat /watch something else.

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t eaten at Chik Fil A so I would need to see the menu. Being told “sandwich, nuggets or salad” would not be enough for me. Sorry haters.

OP’s husband, however, has eaten there many times and still feels the need to hem and haw before ordering the same sandwich he always gets.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand totally. DH and his family are like this. It paralyses their life to the extent that often stuff never gets done. What seems to paralyse them the most is making the wrong decision. Eg - what if they don’t like the movie? What is they order the nuggets but someone else gets the fries and they would have preferred that?

I just posted about being team OP, and I think an underlying factor here can also be people who are jerks about the thing falling flat. If you were the one to pick the restaurant and it turned out to be awful, what is the culture in the family unit? Is the picker going to get piled on for making a "bad" choice? Are they paralyzed by fear that someone will be unkind over their bad choice? When people get really caught up in group decisionmaking for every single thing, accountability and blame are usually lurking around the corner.

OP, are they the type to grumble when things are not perfect? If so, they have trained your DH to be this way.

Anonymous wrote:My take is that it is actually attention-seeking.

They love having people wonder what they’ll do, whether they’ll condescend to participate, whether they’ll bless a plan with their presence. Oh please, grandma, come to the movies with us…

This is confirmed by the microbiologist or whatever. Every meal is super important and must be treated like a trip to Komi. Every day is super special and wide open and full of possibility (never mind that some days have boring constraints like kid birthday parties or karate practice). Yes, yes, you’re curing cancer.

+1 million.

Anonymous wrote:So irritating! I love my husband, but seriously, everything is always a production. We recently went to see a light show, and it was past dinner time, so I’m putting in a Chick-fil-A order for pickup on my phone (birthday kid’s request, and we knew this was their pick before we left the house). “Wellllll, I don’t knowwwwww, I need to look at the menu.” It’s Chick-fil-A. You get a sandwich, nuggets or a salad, pretty much. “Read me the mennnuuuuuu” and then proceeds to get a regular sandwich, like he always does.

His parents are the same way. I can’t just throw out an idea, every detail has to be picked over. “Do you want to see a kids’ movie today? The girls want to go see ‘Migration.’” Well what’s it about, blah blah blah…it’s a kid movie. About ducks. “Well let me read about it, gee, I don’t know.” It is a kid movie. I’m paying. In or out. “Well what are the times.” Well, 11:30, 2, 3:40. “WELLLLLLL, I don’t KNOWWWWWW…” You have nothing else to do today. You are parked on my sofa. In or out.

I just can’t stand how some adults don’t get that not everything is a production, not every single meal is super important, not every single activity is super important, it’s about the big picture and the flow of the day. Just go along to get along, sometimes! In or out!

I am team OP, with a couple caveats. First, on the Chik Fil A, OP is 100% right. It is CFA, a fast food restaurant and the man knows he's going to get a sandwich. OP is clearly the one who is having to manage the majority of the decisionmaking and detail deciding here and was honoring the birthday child request, which the DH had to know. It is not a debate. OP does not have time to read the CFA menu to a grown man.

On the movie, OP is still correct in that the grandparents were being somewhat annoying - BUT, OP, the better way to manage would have been: "Wishy Washy Granny - the girls have asked to see the movie Migration. It is a children's movie about ducks. We are going to the 2pm show time. Would you like to join us?"

DO NOT give these people choices or an inkling that they can influence certain plans. Only allow them that leeway when it does not matter - like a flexible vacation day where the choices are should we beach, pool, walk, stay home and play games. Do not let wishy washies lead when timing matters, when there is a large group of people depending on the outcome - like, hemming and hawing at the beach over where to get dinner, so that by the time you get there at 7, there is an hour long wait, when the 5:30 window would have been perfect for a large family group to get in without a wait.

Clearly the wishy washies are out in full force on this thread and sure, great, be that picky over my medical care and titration of a medicine. DO not waste everyone's time on Tuesday because you want 2 full hours to consider where you might like to eat dinner.