Golden child has multiple DUIs (that were never his fault, according to my mother), a dead-end job, a failed marriage, a kid he hardly sees (again, not his fault according to mom), and he lives in a garage apartment at my parent's house.

I'm the scapegoat & I'm thriving. I'm successful in my personal and professional life and I'm very happy.

I keep the relationship with my parents and sibling at a solid B+ status by having strict boundaries for myself. I never stay at my parents house when I visit with my family - we always do a hotel or airbnb. I never book a trip for longer than 5 days when visiting. I don't concern myself with my sibling's drama. I used to be involved when he was having financial and legal troubles, but it caused too much stress for me. Therapy taught me that I don't love someone less just because I don't make myself available to them 100% of the time. Also, learning that you can love someone but hate them at the same time and that's ok was a big thing for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoat: internalized the dynamic. Low self esteem. People pleasing

Golden child - survivor’s guilt

Do golden children have the capacity to have guilt? It seems like they lack empathy and tend to be narcissists.

No I've never met a golden child that was able to feel any guilt or empathy, not one and yes they're narcissists and perpetuate the entire situation again if they have a family and children.

+1

DP here - this, for sure. Golden Children tend to be spoiled and petulant, like those before them. They perpetuate the favoritism nonsense. The situation never gets better, the narcissism and control issues only gets worse. Dh and I say that we would not want to be them, because their world view is so irreparably and adversely distorted.

+1 Plus once you know what the deal is it's hard to look at them they're living in a pretty fake world and there is no talking to them in an coherent manner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoat: internalized the dynamic. Low self esteem. People pleasing

Golden child - survivor’s guilt

Do golden children have the capacity to have guilt? It seems like they lack empathy and tend to be narcissists.

No I've never met a golden child that was able to feel any guilt or empathy, not one and yes they're narcissists and perpetuate the entire situation again if they have a family and children.

+1

DP here - this, for sure. Golden Children tend to be spoiled and petulant, like those before them. They perpetuate the favoritism nonsense. The situation never gets better, the narcissism and control issues only gets worse. Dh and I say that we would not want to be them, because their world view is so irreparably and adversely distorted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoat: internalized the dynamic. Low self esteem. People pleasing

Golden child - survivor’s guilt

Do golden children have the capacity to have guilt? It seems like they lack empathy and tend to be narcissists.

Nope! My sister is a little version of my sick mother, the same lack of empathy the same "what can YOU do for ME" thinking. They both would step over dead bodies on the street. They expect help 24/7 but you won't see a drop of water in the desert or a ear or a shoulder to cry on, EVER.

I relate to this. My sister and mother are completely about "what can YOU do for ME" and they every do some unwanted and inappropriate gesture for someone they decided was kind, it has strings and the beans are being counted. I remember back when I still put my mother on a pedestal there were so many instances of cognitive dissonance where I couldn't believe how easily she took advantage of the kindness of others with little appreciation. They both are extremely entitled and are so rarely capable of being content. If a random toddler greets me or a random dog wags it's tail and wants me to pet it it puts a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

I seen "cognitive dissonance" used on this site a lot I've looked it up and still don't understand what it means can someone please explain to me like I've 5 what this mean? Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoat: internalized the dynamic. Low self esteem. People pleasing

Golden child - survivor’s guilt

Do golden children have the capacity to have guilt? It seems like they lack empathy and tend to be narcissists.

No I've never met a golden child that was able to feel any guilt or empathy, not one and yes they're narcissists and perpetuate the entire situation again if they have a family and children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are from a culture that favors the boys and men and devalues girls in the family, this dynamic is very heightened and leads to generations of entitled men.

This is very true. My husband's grandmother was very traditionally Italian and the men in the family were worshipped despite the fact that the daughter cared for her in old age.

I am from a similar culture. I would consider most of the men in mine to have narcissistic traits and cannot fully function on their own. The girls who grow up in my culture fare much better in the long run.

Woken up golden child here.

Having kids made it clear that I wasn't going to let my narc grandpa and enabler grandma anywhere near them because I was absolutely not going to teach my kid that it was her job to contort herself to manage a grown up's feelings. My scapegoat sister had come to roughly the same conclusion around the same time (thanks therapy).

She and I are slowly reprocessing our childhood together, and while I have a lot of guilt about about ways I treated her then, she thankfully gives me a lot of grace - she understands that I was a kid too and I didn't create this dynamic we both found ourselves in.

Our parents are constantly trying to recreate the dynamic even today - calling me about how she is ruining the family and so forth. I tell them I think she is 100% right and until they make things right with her it's a gray rock and arms length from both of us.

We both ended up really successful somehow - managing the eggshells in our household gave us professional superpowers, it turns out. In my marriage, I looked for the exact opposite of what I watched growing up. It took her one failed first marriage replicating it, but now she's got the same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoat: internalized the dynamic. Low self esteem. People pleasing

Golden child - survivor’s guilt

Do golden children have the capacity to have guilt? It seems like they lack empathy and tend to be narcissists.

Nope! My sister is a little version of my sick mother, the same lack of empathy the same "what can YOU do for ME" thinking. They both would step over dead bodies on the street. They expect help 24/7 but you won't see a drop of water in the desert or a ear or a shoulder to cry on, EVER.

I relate to this. My sister and mother are completely about "what can YOU do for ME" and they every do some unwanted and inappropriate gesture for someone they decided was kind, it has strings and the beans are being counted. I remember back when I still put my mother on a pedestal there were so many instances of cognitive dissonance where I couldn't believe how easily she took advantage of the kindness of others with little appreciation. They both are extremely entitled and are so rarely capable of being content. If a random toddler greets me or a random dog wags it's tail and wants me to pet it it puts a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

I, the scapegoat to my mom, turned out relatively ok. It still pains me that my mom hates me, that she set me down to explain how everything will go to my sister and told me she thought I would be overjoyed that she would leave me half of the basement of an enormous house, and that is her house(which I signed my share to her after dad passed away, as it was to be split between a surviving spouse and kids, that the law in my country of origin). So, I am ok, but I can't understand why I can't just get over her hate. I told her that she is never, ever to mention the inheritance to me, nor is she ever again to tell me that my kids were not raised right.
My sister, the golden child to mom, is now a raging narcissist herself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoat: internalized the dynamic. Low self esteem. People pleasing

Golden child - survivor’s guilt

Do golden children have the capacity to have guilt? It seems like they lack empathy and tend to be narcissists.

Nope! My sister is a little version of my sick mother, the same lack of empathy the same "what can YOU do for ME" thinking. They both would step over dead bodies on the street. They expect help 24/7 but you won't see a drop of water in the desert or a ear or a shoulder to cry on, EVER.

Anonymous wrote:If you are from a culture that favors the boys and men and devalues girls in the family, this dynamic is very heightened and leads to generations of entitled men.

This is very true. My husband's grandmother was very traditionally Italian and the men in the family were worshipped despite the fact that the daughter cared for her in old age.

I saw some quote applied to a situation in the news that I think applies well to my GC sister. It was something like....if you get used to special treatment, when you are treated equally and fairly, you think you are being discriminated against.

My GC had many exceptional qualities and got lots of praise, but she was never admonished for her alarming behavior. She was seen as incapable of being anything but amazing even when others pointed things out and my parents ascribed some qualities to her she definitely did not have.

So when she left the house and had to function in college and law school and work it came up a lot. Roommates didn't treat her like royalty so there were explosive arguments and moving out. Men she met were never brilliant enough. Job offers were not worthy of her. She expected all sorts of special treatment at work, got fired and then tried to sue her lawfirm. She worked at a top lawfirm and thought she could win suing them?

She will get millions from mom and is well funded by mom, but she will never experience a functional relationship because her concept of relationships is all about what they can do for her.

Anonymous wrote:I was the golden child and my sister the scapegoat. She got pregnant at 19 and I moved far far away for college and stayed on another coast for 25 years. That saved me. I spent my 20s and 30s relearning how to treat people and thought I had made a lot of progress. Then I moved back home last year; thinking it was all behind us. Nope. The positive side is that I saw mom is a covert narcissist and that is where the dysfunction stems from. I wasn’t living up to her expectations (being her best friend), saw her shenanigans/manipilations what they are, and established reasonable boundaries. She isn’t speaking to me. Since I was the golden child, I also get the special role of being her parent (in her mind). So she is pouting that “mommy” isn’t giving her what she needs. I will say that as a golden child prior to therapy, I had absolutely no idea about my atttitudes and behaviors. Once I realized it, it was like a brain fog lifted. I am grateful to live in reality, even though I’ve essentially lost my mom.

Agree with many points here. Downsides of being golden child is being mom’s best friend/mommy. I don’t like watching other people mistreated and abused. Big sense of duty.

I was the golden child and my sister the scapegoat. She got pregnant at 19 and I moved far far away for college and stayed on another coast for 25 years. That saved me. I spent my 20s and 30s relearning how to treat people and thought I had made a lot of progress. Then I moved back home last year; thinking it was all behind us. Nope. The positive side is that I saw mom is a covert narcissist and that is where the dysfunction stems from. I wasn’t living up to her expectations (being her best friend), saw her shenanigans/manipilations what they are, and established reasonable boundaries. She isn’t speaking to me. Since I was the golden child, I also get the special role of being her parent (in her mind). So she is pouting that “mommy” isn’t giving her what she needs. I will say that as a golden child prior to therapy, I had absolutely no idea about my atttitudes and behaviors. Once I realized it, it was like a brain fog lifted. I am grateful to live in reality, even though I’ve essentially lost my mom.

You can detach.

You can work to develop a more positive view of yourself and over time, have people in your life who share it.

You can decide on goals and pursue them without any reference to your family of origin. You can learn not to care what they think or to offer yourself up for ongoing abuse by them.

For starters. Therapy might be a place to begin a different, healthier and happier life for yourself.