The difference in attitude in medical versus other reasons for LD, I think, has to do with whether the wife is trying to be sexual with her husband. (Or vice versa.)

If the spouse is medically unable to have or enjoy sex, while it's not ideal, it's much less likely to be perceived by the HD spouse as rejection or indifference; and it's much less likely to be perceived by the HD spouse as blameworthy behavior by the LD spouse.

Absent a pretty clear medical reason, however, if the LD wife isn't making an effort - not taking time to read dirty stories, learn how to enjoy her body with a vibrator, not initiating sex with an expectation that she'll get into it once they get started - the HD husband (or turn around the genders if you'd like) gets the message either that the wife either doesn't view sex as an integral part of marriage or that, if she does, she doesn't give enough of a shit about the husband to make him a priority.

For example, if you've been too exhausted for sex these last few years, why did you voluntarily decide we "need" a garden this year? You don't actually "need" to bake all those cookies for the holidays. You don't "need" to go on every one of the kids' field trips. You didn't "need" to get a dog that now requires additional care. You don't "need" to scrapbook. Or just on and on with the discretionary tasks that are somehow more desirable and necessary than cultivating a health sex life.

Anonymous wrote:There is always time and energy to do the things that are importnat.

If sex isn't important to the wife, why does it matter if hubby has an affair?

Hubby would rather expend his time and energy on another woman than his children. That's how I would perceive the affair.

Anonymous wrote:Ok do I understand the whole breast feeding saps the libido thing and having to run after toddlers saps the libido thing. But how long do I have to wait before those excuses are no linger valid. 2 years, 5 years, after the kid learns to drive?

As long as you are a chump!

Anonymous wrote:There is always time and energy to do the things that are importnat.

If sex isn't important to the wife, why does it matter if hubby has an affair?

Woman here - because sex = emotional involvement. She wants her hubby's undivided love and attention, even if she's not sexually satisfying him.

Responding to 10:44:

"Interesting point. Many PPs say that they would be more accepting of LD if it were due to a medical problem. Interesting of course that recovering from childbirth and the physiological changes connected to breastfeeding are somehow not seen as "medical," unlike say ED in a male spouse. Seems that child-related "medical" causes for LD are recharacterized as "pyschological" for women - thus putting them in her "control" and thus made her responsibility. "

Low sex drive is understandable for a few weeks or even months. When it gets into a year or more post partum and a woman still has no desire, she needs to ramp it up somehow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's not an age or cultural thing. I just don't see why your husband should stay married to you if you don't want or like sex with him.

He doesn't have to, you are right. What I'm objecting to is the idea that sex with a wife who is as interested as you are is a husband's "right," that it is the "job" of the wife to do that. These things all are subject to negotiation, and change over the course of a marriage - as PP said. If my DH cannot get a hard on as he gets older do I divorce him? Gee, if I had known that, I probably wouldn't have married him.

Oh, I didn't get it before. A man's changed sexuality with age is normal; a woman's is just a slap in the face of her husband, who deserves better. Thanks for enlightening me.

I'm a woman who's even hornier in her 40s than I was in my 20s, so you really can't assume that women lose interest as they age.

There is always time and energy to do the things that are importnat.

If sex isn't important to the wife, why does it matter if hubby has an affair?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone wants mommy--the kids and DH. I am so "touched out" at the end of the day, the last thing I want is to be touched more. The kids need me;DH wants me. Right now, needs take over wants.

Nope. Big distinction here. Your kids want mommy. Your DH wants his WIFE.

Given that mommy and wife inhabit the same body, it makes no difference to the woman. The man, of course, would like for his spouse to be everything without being especially understanding of the fact that with a young infant, maternal identity is (as it should) come first. This changes over time, but he needs to be patient.

I also agree with the PP that so many posters here seem to dismiss a breast-feeding woman's lack of desire as primarily psychological, rather that primarily physical/medical in nature.

My DH has put on about 20 lbs since we've been married and his "performance" is not quite as good as it used to be. Does this mean that I have a right get angry with him for not meeting my sexual demands?

If you live th elife like you post, then DH isn't getting any either so I get him gaining 20lbs and not performing anymore. Afterall, the kids come first. His needs are secondary right?

Grow up and stop competing with your young children for your wife's attention and energy. Pathetic.

HAHA. Must be a hardcore LD refuser here! Excuses never end.

You have to wait till the kids are out of college. At that time, she will divorce you saying you no longer meet her needs.

Anonymous wrote:Ok do I understand the whole breast feeding saps the libido thing and having to run after toddlers saps the libido thing. But how long do I have to wait before those excuses are no linger valid. 2 years, 5 years, after the kid learns to drive?

Waaaah!!!! Waaaah!!!!

Ok do I understand the whole breast feeding saps the libido thing and having to run after toddlers saps the libido thing. But how long do I have to wait before those excuses are no linger valid. 2 years, 5 years, after the kid learns to drive?

Google Jason Julius

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone wants mommy--the kids and DH. I am so "touched out" at the end of the day, the last thing I want is to be touched more. The kids need me;DH wants me. Right now, needs take over wants.

Nope. Big distinction here. Your kids want mommy. Your DH wants his WIFE.

Given that mommy and wife inhabit the same body, it makes no difference to the woman. The man, of course, would like for his spouse to be everything without being especially understanding of the fact that with a young infant, maternal identity is (as it should) come first. This changes over time, but he needs to be patient.

I also agree with the PP that so many posters here seem to dismiss a breast-feeding woman's lack of desire as primarily psychological, rather that primarily physical/medical in nature.

My DH has put on about 20 lbs since we've been married and his "performance" is not quite as good as it used to be. Does this mean that I have a right get angry with him for not meeting my sexual demands?

If you live th elife like you post, then DH isn't getting any either so I get him gaining 20lbs and not performing anymore. Afterall, the kids come first. His needs are secondary right?

Grow up and stop competing with your young children for your wife's attention and energy. Pathetic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone wants mommy--the kids and DH. I am so "touched out" at the end of the day, the last thing I want is to be touched more. The kids need me;DH wants me. Right now, needs take over wants.

Nope. Big distinction here. Your kids want mommy. Your DH wants his WIFE.

Given that mommy and wife inhabit the same body, it makes no difference to the woman. The man, of course, would like for his spouse to be everything without being especially understanding of the fact that with a young infant, maternal identity is (as it should) come first. This changes over time, but he needs to be patient.

I also agree with the PP that so many posters here seem to dismiss a breast-feeding woman's lack of desire as primarily psychological, rather that primarily physical/medical in nature.

My DH has put on about 20 lbs since we've been married and his "performance" is not quite as good as it used to be. Does this mean that I have a right get angry with him for not meeting my sexual demands?

If you live th elife like you post, then DH isn't getting any either so I get him gaining 20lbs and not performing anymore. Afterall, the kids come first. His needs are secondary right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone wants mommy--the kids and DH. I am so "touched out" at the end of the day, the last thing I want is to be touched more. The kids need me;DH wants me. Right now, needs take over wants.

Nope. Big distinction here. Your kids want mommy. Your DH wants his WIFE.

Given that mommy and wife inhabit the same body, it makes no difference to the woman. The man, of course, would like for his spouse to be everything without being especially understanding of the fact that with a young infant, maternal identity is (as it should) come first. This changes over time, but he needs to be patient.

I also agree with the PP that so many posters here seem to dismiss a breast-feeding woman's lack of desire as primarily psychological, rather that primarily physical/medical in nature.

My DH has put on about 20 lbs since we've been married and his "performance" is not quite as good as it used to be. Does this mean that I have a right get angry with him for not meeting my sexual demands?

Sure it does.