Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

As I thought, cheaters are on this thread making excuses for their shitty behavior.

Not sure what reaction that PP thought he was going to get. I posted earlier about my sister whose husband beat the crap out of her, gambled away their savings and was abusive towards her kids, she cheated at the end of the marriage and some poster reminded me she was still the evil one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was not born in America, so I can't relate to this American thing where cheating is seen as the highest level of evil, but then also Americans are willing to vote for a president who cheated on his wife with a porn star, while his wife was pregnant.

This! Americans are hypocrites and fear-based. All these people who want to believe cheaters are the devil incarnate and can’t ever be good parents are just terrified about this happening to them or are projecting their own experience onto everyone else, which is very ego-driven. The truth is that cheating hurts people, and is not a desirable behavior, but also doesn’t define who someone is. And also often happens for many reasons related to very dysfunctional partners. That’s just the truth. Not an excuse, but the truth. And physical and emotional abuse without cheating does not make someone better. Americans have a puritanical view of marriage that lives in a fantasy land.

Yes, you said it better than me.

There is this weird American narrative where someone who is a good and loving parent and spouse but has a one time affair is evil and how can you do that to the children! But being four times divorced and introducing your kids to a revolving door of new romantic partners is all swell and good as long as there is NO OVERLAP and therefore no cheating and your left your third marriage honorably.

Although I don't actually know that many people with a black and white view on infidelity so I wonder if this is 34 pages of one or two posters liking each other's comments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

People spend time and money on friends and extended family all the time. Many families have his, hers and ours accounts, so sometimes the money going to affairs is money that would have been spent on golfing, car racing etc, without permission from the spouse.

My bestfriend spends a lot of money on my kids. She does not ask her DH's permission because it is her money to spend as she pleases. He spends his on car racing, and she does not ask questions.

I commit to helping out family and friends all the time without asking DH. As long as it is time I would have spent relaxing, he does not care.

The point I am making is that not all affairs steal time and money from the family. It can be time and money that would have been spent on a self centered activity anyway. So it does not necessarily take time and money away fom the child.

But I agree with you that affairs where the spouse reduces involvement with their family involve bad parenting.

You must be joking: children get cut off from inheritance, move into crappy apartments from their family home, only get to spend 50% of their time with each parent, their college costs are not covered by anyone unless there is a trust . You must be really dumb to equalize casual expenses on hobbies with financial damage caused by shifting 50% of all family resources to an external party.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was not born in America, so I can't relate to this American thing where cheating is seen as the highest level of evil, but then also Americans are willing to vote for a president who cheated on his wife with a porn star, while his wife was pregnant.

This! Americans are hypocrites and fear-based. All these people who want to believe cheaters are the devil incarnate and can’t ever be good parents are just terrified about this happening to them or are projecting their own experience onto everyone else, which is very ego-driven. The truth is that cheating hurts people, and is not a desirable behavior, but also doesn’t define who someone is. And also often happens for many reasons related to very dysfunctional partners. That’s just the truth. Not an excuse, but the truth. And physical and emotional abuse without cheating does not make someone better. Americans have a puritanical view of marriage that lives in a fantasy land.

Yes, you said it better than me.

There is this weird American narrative where someone who is a good and loving parent and spouse but has a one time affair is evil and how can you do that to the children! But being four times divorced and introducing your kids to a revolving door of new romantic partners is all swell and good as long as there is NO OVERLAP and therefore no cheating and your left your third marriage honorably.

Although I don't actually know that many people with a black and white view on infidelity so I wonder if this is 34 pages of one or two posters liking each other's comments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

People spend time and money on friends and extended family all the time. Many families have his, hers and ours accounts, so sometimes the money going to affairs is money that would have been spent on golfing, car racing etc, without permission from the spouse.

My bestfriend spends a lot of money on my kids. She does not ask her DH's permission because it is her money to spend as she pleases. He spends his on car racing, and she does not ask questions.

I commit to helping out family and friends all the time without asking DH. As long as it is time I would have spent relaxing, he does not care.

The point I am making is that not all affairs steal time and money from the family. It can be time and money that would have been spent on a self centered activity anyway. So it does not necessarily take time and money away fom the child.

But I agree with you that affairs where the spouse reduces involvement with their family involve bad parenting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

As I thought, cheaters are on this thread making excuses for their shitty behavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

As I thought, cheaters are on this thread making excuses for their shitty behavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was not born in America, so I can't relate to this American thing where cheating is seen as the highest level of evil, but then also Americans are willing to vote for a president who cheated on his wife with a porn star, while his wife was pregnant.

This! Americans are hypocrites and fear-based. All these people who want to believe cheaters are the devil incarnate and can’t ever be good parents are just terrified about this happening to them or are projecting their own experience onto everyone else, which is very ego-driven. The truth is that cheating hurts people, and is not a desirable behavior, but also doesn’t define who someone is. And also often happens for many reasons related to very dysfunctional partners. That’s just the truth. Not an excuse, but the truth. And physical and emotional abuse without cheating does not make someone better. Americans have a puritanical view of marriage that lives in a fantasy land.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Here what our truth would be. My honesty to my kids:

Kid one was born with special needs. He zapped all of our energy, especially in his first ten years. We had a second easier kid but between the two we mistakenly left no time for us. We both share blame in that.

We tried to rekindle but my wife eventually made clear she just couldn't get into a mental space with me to enjoy intimacy. We eventually tried scheduling it once a month to make sure it happened but it was still awkward. I eventually stopped initiating and she was fine with it. We went 3 years in a sexless marriage.

I found a woman who was actually interested in me for me and what started as mutual affection grew physical. I slept with her before ending my marriage which was wrong but was the catalyst I needed to realize wife and I shouldn't force this anymore.

So is this all appropriate to tell the kids? Or just DAD IS A EVIL Cheater!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Parenting has nothing to do with cheating

This isn’t accurate. A cheating parent can be diverting assets from the family, and certainly time that might otherwise be spent with kids. A cheating parent can also cause trauma to the other parent, which then impacts the kids. It also often causes destruction of the family, which certainly impacts parenting (at a bare minimum, giving the parent only 50% access to kids. This is the problem with cheaters who compartmentalize the cheating as “just sex” - it really can’t be kept in that box.

+1 They ALWAYS begin to become overly critical to their spouse and often their kids.

The stress of the secrets and fear of getting caught also drives anger (inappropriate reaction to minor things). They will miss certain things in order to 'meet up', maybe a weekend out of town or overnights that aren't necessary.

IF it's during the work day, they will often stay later or work 'over time' to make up the time away from the office, which cuts into having dinner with the family and family time.

They will be distracted--messaging ap on vacation or talking on the way to work, etc.. Gas, hotel, little gifts, etc. all is $ diverted from family.

BUT THE BIGGEST DEAL: they almost all get caught if they keep at it long enough and the amount of trauma to the spouse and kids and family is monumental, so much more than if a 'regular' divorce was initiated without the betrayal/lies/exposure to disease and third party (and often another family betrayed spouse).

Mental gymnastics is BIG with cheaters. It's always 'benefitting the family', 'making them a better parent' blah, blah., blah. That is pure selfishness and lack of self awareness.

These replies are both on the money.

+1

And read the new thread with the woman completely absorbed/liar her mind with the online sex guy. She’s not into the family at all. 24/7 checked out and looking for only faults with her real life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Parenting has nothing to do with cheating

This isn’t accurate. A cheating parent can be diverting assets from the family, and certainly time that might otherwise be spent with kids. A cheating parent can also cause trauma to the other parent, which then impacts the kids. It also often causes destruction of the family, which certainly impacts parenting (at a bare minimum, giving the parent only 50% access to kids. This is the problem with cheaters who compartmentalize the cheating as “just sex” - it really can’t be kept in that box.

+1 They ALWAYS begin to become overly critical to their spouse and often their kids.

The stress of the secrets and fear of getting caught also drives anger (inappropriate reaction to minor things). They will miss certain things in order to 'meet up', maybe a weekend out of town or overnights that aren't necessary.

IF it's during the work day, they will often stay later or work 'over time' to make up the time away from the office, which cuts into having dinner with the family and family time.

They will be distracted--messaging ap on vacation or talking on the way to work, etc.. Gas, hotel, little gifts, etc. all is $ diverted from family.

BUT THE BIGGEST DEAL: they almost all get caught if they keep at it long enough and the amount of trauma to the spouse and kids and family is monumental, so much more than if a 'regular' divorce was initiated without the betrayal/lies/exposure to disease and third party (and often another family betrayed spouse).

Mental gymnastics is BIG with cheaters. It's always 'benefitting the family', 'making them a better parent' blah, blah., blah. That is pure selfishness and lack of self awareness.

These replies are both on the money.

Anonymous wrote:I was not born in America, so I can't relate to this American thing where cheating is seen as the highest level of evil, but then also Americans are willing to vote for a president who cheated on his wife with a porn star, while his wife was pregnant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslight the whole family. Base family history on lies and secrets, what could go wrong?

You can keep calling it this but that doesn’t make it true. Of course sometimes it’s true but again the problem is generally terrible parenting not the decision to give your children age appropriate information

It’s exactly what it is. Spending your time, money, and mental space on another person that is not your spouse or child is not good parenting, nor is it putting your children first. That’s why people keep affairs secret. Affairs are wrong, so cheaters scurry around in the shadows and hide their actions and activities. They know it’s wrong so they hide it. Then, when they are found out, they want to further hide what they’ve done, so they pretend it’s something nobody should talk about. Meanwhile, the kids are not first and now the lives of the kids are torn apart and it’s considered improper to tell kids the truth about their family and their lives.

Cheaters on this thread clearly show they don’t understand their children deserve truth and honesty, and that’s why the cycle of abuse continues. Cheating is abuse, it’s lies, it’s selfishness.

Basing a family history on lies, outright lies or lies of omission, to cover up what a parent has done to destroy a family, is wrong.