Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Free Childcare and Free Housekeeper Poster from a few weeks ago was correct! Don’t get divorced when you can well up the Family Guy, Great Home facade!

Another right on the money response. It's not about kids, it's about their ease of living and financial well being. Talking about kids makes it sound more palatable to both themselves and to others. If they really cared about their kids, they wouldn't chance them finding out about cheating and potentially losing a good relationship with them and also potentially losing their respect. All bs when they talk about kids: it's about free childcare, free housekeeper, keeping the money for themselves, and let's not forget keeping up the facade.

I am the one you are responding to. This isn't complicated.

What I want is a loving wife with whom I have at least a decent sexual connection. I had that for years but it slowly faded 10 years ago and we have been sexless for 3 years. I have brought it up repeatedly but nothing changes.

So my decisions are to divorce, split time with my kids, divide finances which will limit my ability to pay for college and limit my ability to retire earlier. Some of those are "selfish" but an equal amount is what's best for my kids.

Since I can't have that, yes, I risk cheating rather than proceeding straight to divorce so I can at least be somewhat sane. I understand there is a risk that the kids find out and are upset. I will do my best to mitigate the fallout, just as I would mitigate the fallout if we divorced.

I don't expect you to understand unless you tell me you were put into a sexless marriage for years, tried to fix it but were frozen out by a husband who refused to work with you. I wish you well.

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Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

No, we won’t care. Let’s just divorce.

If you are in a sexless marriage and don't care about getting divorced, why not just get divorced?

Well, obviously men care about divorce to some extent or they just would. It's more that when you get to the point you are sexless or near sexless, you know your marriage isn't sustainable so you cheat hoping you pull it off, but if you don't, you are no worse off if you just divorced.

I have been in this situation for 4 years. I could have divorced back then but I would have missed a lot of time with my kids.

NP. Wrong in the bolded. If the cheating is discovered, it affects your family in a worse way and by that family, it means your spouse (sounds like you don't care much about her anyway), your kids, perception of what your family/friends may think of you. I guess it comes down to your values and if you value honesty, trust, and ultimately how you view yourself and what values you want to pass down to you kids. If sex is more important than those values, then you might as well divorce and start over again. If you value what you think of yourself and values you want to pass down to your kids, find some other solution (e.g. marriage counselor, divorce).

But why would a woman who has no interest in sleeping with her husband, and has made clear that that’s not going to change, going to care about the husband sleeping around? Just because they want to control him?

In my experience in my sexless marriage, I don't think my wife would care that much. If you are sexless, you are basically indifferent to each other on a romantic level (even if you still care about each other). I believe the people who scream "EVIL CHEATER" are the ones who explained they were in passionate marriages and were blindsided. I get how that would drive raw emotions.

In my situation, it would anger my wife if I embarrassed her or spent family money on another woman but the sex part wouldn't be as big on an issue.

I do think the ones who care are about control and power. It's a way for a woman to deny a man what he wants and he can't get elsewhere. At that point, there is no love or marriage. Cheating is the least worst thing one does.

So if there is no love or marriage, what’s the obstacle to getting divorced?

Kids, finances. Mostly I want to see my kids every day.

See, I think it’s mostly about the finances. You’re just too cheap to get a divorce.

There’s lots of ways to get divorced and still see your kids almost every day, but you don’t want to have to split everything you have with your spouse, pay child support, and be totally in charge of taking care of your kids at least 50% of the time.

Ding ding ding! It's about the money for most of the men and the ease of life with a wife at home. Kids are a convenient excuse but not the real reason. This means that there's no good excuse for cheating because there are other options: it's just that those options may require some sort of sacrifice which isn't easy for these men. Of course if they were really thinking about kids, they wouldn't cheat because they don't know if they will be found out and if they are found out, their kids will be affected even more than if it was just a divorce. It's not about kids folks!

He's already said that if he could get full custody, he would divorce. Try to keep up, rather than just reading what you want to advance your own agenda.

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Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

No, we won’t care. Let’s just divorce.

If you are in a sexless marriage and don't care about getting divorced, why not just get divorced?

Well, obviously men care about divorce to some extent or they just would. It's more that when you get to the point you are sexless or near sexless, you know your marriage isn't sustainable so you cheat hoping you pull it off, but if you don't, you are no worse off if you just divorced.

I have been in this situation for 4 years. I could have divorced back then but I would have missed a lot of time with my kids.

NP. Wrong in the bolded. If the cheating is discovered, it affects your family in a worse way and by that family, it means your spouse (sounds like you don't care much about her anyway), your kids, perception of what your family/friends may think of you. I guess it comes down to your values and if you value honesty, trust, and ultimately how you view yourself and what values you want to pass down to you kids. If sex is more important than those values, then you might as well divorce and start over again. If you value what you think of yourself and values you want to pass down to your kids, find some other solution (e.g. marriage counselor, divorce).

But why would a woman who has no interest in sleeping with her husband, and has made clear that that’s not going to change, going to care about the husband sleeping around? Just because they want to control him?

In my experience in my sexless marriage, I don't think my wife would care that much. If you are sexless, you are basically indifferent to each other on a romantic level (even if you still care about each other). I believe the people who scream "EVIL CHEATER" are the ones who explained they were in passionate marriages and were blindsided. I get how that would drive raw emotions.

In my situation, it would anger my wife if I embarrassed her or spent family money on another woman but the sex part wouldn't be as big on an issue.

I do think the ones who care are about control and power. It's a way for a woman to deny a man what he wants and he can't get elsewhere. At that point, there is no love or marriage. Cheating is the least worst thing one does.

So if there is no love or marriage, what’s the obstacle to getting divorced?

Kids, finances. Mostly I want to see my kids every day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is sexless actually defined here?

Clinical definition is something like "less than 10x per year." Not sure how everyone in this thread is actually using it.

Anonymous wrote:
Imagine describing your desire to have sex as your life, so that not having it when you want is suicide. You can thank 24/7 porn access for the impotent men furiously masturbating to the fantasy that someone, someday will put out anytime they want and their kids will definitely be fine.

Anonymous wrote:How is sexless actually defined here?

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your sexual wants > kids having an intact family

A marriage license isn’t a suicide pact. If the wife checks out of the marriage to the extent of giving up sex, things happen. Cause, effect.

Exactly. If you don’t want to married to someone who doesn’t want to have sex, you get a divorce. Cause, effect.

You stay honest and keep your integrity.

Imagine describing your desire to have sex as your life, so that not having it when you want is suicide. You can thank 24/7 porn access for the impotent men furiously masturbating to the fantasy that someone, someday will put out anytime they want and their kids will definitely be fine.

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Anonymous wrote:

“My parents’ divorce was honorable. My noble dad, whose life was agony because he wasn’t having as much sex as he wanted, nobly left my mother and his children so he could finally achieve his sexual dreams. We are so proud of him and hope he is having all the sex he wanted when our family was intact. It is totally developmentally appropriate that I - his 11 year-old daughter - care deeply that he isn’t having his sexual needs met and definitely want to spend the remainder of my teenage years traveling between two homes so he can get laid. Ask me how my next five boyfriends will treat me!”

I know you think that with this snarky reply you’re proving your ultimate point (that cheating on your wife is “better for the kids”), but all I can think about is my job.

I work in law enforcement. As we are instructed in many trainings, the mind’s capacity to rationalize our own bad behavior is incredible. We all want to be the hero in our own stories, and there’s just too much cognitive dissonance when we do “bad things.”

So we contort our logic to “justify” what we know, deep down, are bad acts:

“Everyone else is doing it.”
“My family needed that money I embezzled.”

And in your case:
“I was actually trying to keep my family together by cheating on my wife!”

The only thing you are missing is that the choice isn't cheating on my wife to save my family vs. not cheating. No one stays sexless forever.

The question is whether its better for your family to discretely meet your needs outside the marriage vs divorcing and all that entails. You feel like its always better for the kids to be subject to divorce rather than having mom or dad find another route. Maybe you are right, I have no idea.

I also know that you don't know what you would do in that situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

your sexual wants > kids having an intact family

A marriage license isn’t a suicide pact. If the wife checks out of the marriage to the extent of giving up sex, things happen. Cause, effect.

Exactly. If you don’t want to married to someone who doesn’t want to have sex, you get a divorce. Cause, effect.

You stay honest and keep your integrity.

Anonymous wrote:

your sexual wants > kids having an intact family

A marriage license isn’t a suicide pact. If the wife checks out of the marriage to the extent of giving up sex, things happen. Cause, effect.