Anonymous
Post 01/08/2013 14:37     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
And I feel spent out at the end of the day. Need money to eat, need money for a mortgage, need money for a new couch, need money for carpet, need money for DW's wine. And I sure as hell don't feel like going to work every day.

But, my family has needs and they even have wants that aren't extravagant. Because they're my family, I *want* to provide for them. Work is the way to do that. And my job isn't miserable for the most part; sometimes it's enjoyable or even downright fulfilling.

Ultimately, I'm better able to provide for my family if I go to work steadily and make sure I do it enthusiastically and well. Employment is analogous to marital sex in a lot of ways.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2013 13:01     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Everyone wants mommy--the kids and DH. I am so "touched out" at the end of the day, the last thing I want is to be touched more. The kids need me;DH wants me. Right now, needs take over wants.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2013 12:30     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like my husband. Wants the sex transaction, which is his business if he wants to demand it, but also wants wife to want/like it, so he doesn't feel like a jerk, which sort of sounds "thoughtful," but in my view ultimately is selfish. If she can be convinced to do it with you, out of guilt or demands or whatever, you can hope she enjoys it, but it is not "fair" to add that to her as a demand, the way you just demand the act for yourself. If she really cares to do it for the sake of enjoying sex, great. If not, and she just does it to please you - hopefully with some good acting - so be it.


It sounds like you are saying it's OK when YOU want sex then, but not when DH wants sex. Or am I reading wrong.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2013 11:12     Subject: Re:If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
10:48, are you in a new sexual relationship now, or just happy being celibate? Are you depressed?
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2013 11:12     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like my husband. Wants the sex transaction, which is his business if he wants to demand it, but also wants wife to want/like it, so he doesn't feel like a jerk, which sort of sounds "thoughtful," but in my view ultimately is selfish. If she can be convinced to do it with you, out of guilt or demands or whatever, you can hope she enjoys it, but it is not "fair" to add that to her as a demand, the way you just demand the act for yourself. If she really cares to do it for the sake of enjoying sex, great. If not, and she just does it to please you - hopefully with some good acting - so be it.


HD wife here. The problem is that if the spouse who "wants the sex transaction" can get it from someone other than the LD spouse, someone who really wants it, there's just no contest. I absolutely hate when my DH has duty sex. I'd rather just handle it on my own.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2013 10:48     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dear OP - thank you for your post - I completely understand what you are saying. The strange part is that I am the LD wife. The point is that I agree that the situation is not fair to you just as I feel that it is not fair to my HD husband. Sex is a given right in a marriage and I believe that you and my husband have gotten the short end of the stick. I was actually very HD before I had my baby - she is 3 now but somehow I haven't been able to recover. However I am not going to justify this like other LD posters - you can make an effort and that is what I'm doing for my husband! I'm making a special point to initiate and to please him although I may not be in te mood. And let me tell you, his attitude is much better and he is more pleasant when he gets some! And to the other posters who keep tellig you to do "more things around the house" so she will want sex - this is BS. My hubby is great but not very great at helpin out with certain things but in my opinion there is NO correlation. Sex is sex and those with HD need it and hose wih LD don't need it as much. No amount of helping around he house will make me want to jump my husband more. Only my conscious choice to make an effort will help - that's the first step to recovery!


OP here. Thak you for sharing. I have a question if you don't mind answering. You mentioned that you initiated sex despite not being "in the mood". Does that mean that you did not enjoy yourself during that session? Or that you initiated sex despite not being in the mood but once you got going you enjoyed yourself? I'd be sad if DW had "unenjoyable" duty sex with me if you know what I mean.


I am not the PP but I am a NP poster who was the LD wife of a higherD husband. Initially I did have sex to make him happy because, like pp, I do actually agree that that's part of the marriage contract. I willingly entered that tacit contract so I wanted to fulfill my end of the deal.

To answer your question, no, I did NOT eventually "get into it" once started and every single time I had duty sex it felt like a chore. Eventually, having unwanted sex that is unenjoyable makes the unwilling party feel like a sex worker. I'm sure you can nderstsnd that, even as I assure you that you are not exactly to blame. Maybe no one is to blame?!

It's just a really unfortunate dynamic that doesn't always have a tidy win-win solution.

(we are divorced now, and I wish him well)
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2013 10:34     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
OP, you sound like my husband. Wants the sex transaction, which is his business if he wants to demand it, but also wants wife to want/like it, so he doesn't feel like a jerk, which sort of sounds "thoughtful," but in my view ultimately is selfish. If she can be convinced to do it with you, out of guilt or demands or whatever, you can hope she enjoys it, but it is not "fair" to add that to her as a demand, the way you just demand the act for yourself. If she really cares to do it for the sake of enjoying sex, great. If not, and she just does it to please you - hopefully with some good acting - so be it.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2013 14:42     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:Hey OP - I don't mind answering at all - once I am in the midst of things I am totally enjoying myself - the act is always very satisfying and leads me wondering why we don't do it more often . The issue is the actual getting into the act - I think about all the things I could be doing making food / dealing with my child / cleaning up / even just sleeping rather than having sex and it automatically stresses me out and makes me tired. As I said in my previous post, this has nothing to do with my hubby helping or not helping out around the house. It has everything to do with the fact that I take on a lot of stress and worry about everything (this has only happened recently in the past 3 years) so I don't "feel free" to just want sex (not an excuse I know). Is your wife like that? Does she stress a lot or have a lot going through her mind which may be stopping her from wanting to have more sex? I'm not saying it stress release will make her HD but might make the LD better? I'm actually looking into doing some stress relieving things like yoga etc that may help release stress and in turn help in the sex department.



OP here. LOL. OMG, she is totally like that. She enjoys herself during sex which leads me to wonder why she doesn't initiate sex (more..if ever ) She takes it upon herself to do too much with respect to childcare. I joke with her that our #1 finally had a mommy AND daddy after #2 was born as oppose to a mommy and a helper. Prior to #2 arriving, she did most all the childcare that I not realize that she had unintentionally excluded my role as a dad (almost). Like now, I catch her trying to wash the bottles and I get annoyed with her. I'm not sure if she feels the same stress as you but I know she's always tired (understandibly so). But on nights when both kids are asleep at 930pm, I still get no action.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2013 14:20     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dear OP - thank you for your post - I completely understand what you are saying. The strange part is that I am the LD wife. The point is that I agree that the situation is not fair to you just as I feel that it is not fair to my HD husband. Sex is a given right in a marriage and I believe that you and my husband have gotten the short end of the stick. I was actually very HD before I had my baby - she is 3 now but somehow I haven't been able to recover. However I am not going to justify this like other LD posters - you can make an effort and that is what I'm doing for my husband! I'm making a special point to initiate and to please him although I may not be in te mood. And let me tell you, his attitude is much better and he is more pleasant when he gets some! And to the other posters who keep tellig you to do "more things around the house" so she will want sex - this is BS. My hubby is great but not very great at helpin out with certain things but in my opinion there is NO correlation. Sex is sex and those with HD need it and hose wih LD don't need it as much. No amount of helping around he house will make me want to jump my husband more. Only my conscious choice to make an effort will help - that's the first step to recovery!


OP here. Thak you for sharing. I have a question if you don't mind answering. You mentioned that you initiated sex despite not being "in the mood". Does that mean that you did not enjoy yourself during that session? Or that you initiated sex despite not being in the mood but once you got going you enjoyed yourself? I'd be sad if DW had "unenjoyable" duty sex with me if you know what I mean.


Hey OP - I don't mind answering at all - once I am in the midst of things I am totally enjoying myself - the act is always very satisfying and leads me wondering why we don't do it more often . The issue is the actual getting into the act - I think about all the things I could be doing making food / dealing with my child / cleaning up / even just sleeping rather than having sex and it automatically stresses me out and makes me tired. As I said in my previous post, this has nothing to do with my hubby helping or not helping out around the house. It has everything to do with the fact that I take on a lot of stress and worry about everything (this has only happened recently in the past 3 years) so I don't "feel free" to just want sex (not an excuse I know). Is your wife like that? Does she stress a lot or have a lot going through her mind which may be stopping her from wanting to have more sex? I'm not saying it stress release will make her HD but might make the LD better? I'm actually looking into doing some stress relieving things like yoga etc that may help release stress and in turn help in the sex department.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2013 08:40     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:Dear OP - thank you for your post - I completely understand what you are saying. The strange part is that I am the LD wife. The point is that I agree that the situation is not fair to you just as I feel that it is not fair to my HD husband. Sex is a given right in a marriage and I believe that you and my husband have gotten the short end of the stick. I was actually very HD before I had my baby - she is 3 now but somehow I haven't been able to recover. However I am not going to justify this like other LD posters - you can make an effort and that is what I'm doing for my husband! I'm making a special point to initiate and to please him although I may not be in te mood. And let me tell you, his attitude is much better and he is more pleasant when he gets some! And to the other posters who keep tellig you to do "more things around the house" so she will want sex - this is BS. My hubby is great but not very great at helpin out with certain things but in my opinion there is NO correlation. Sex is sex and those with HD need it and hose wih LD don't need it as much. No amount of helping around he house will make me want to jump my husband more. Only my conscious choice to make an effort will help - that's the first step to recovery!


OP here. Thak you for sharing. I have a question if you don't mind answering. You mentioned that you initiated sex despite not being "in the mood". Does that mean that you did not enjoy yourself during that session? Or that you initiated sex despite not being in the mood but once you got going you enjoyed yourself? I'd be sad if DW had "unenjoyable" duty sex with me if you know what I mean.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2013 20:45     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Dear OP - thank you for your post - I completely understand what you are saying. The strange part is that I am the LD wife. The point is that I agree that the situation is not fair to you just as I feel that it is not fair to my HD husband. Sex is a given right in a marriage and I believe that you and my husband have gotten the short end of the stick. I was actually very HD before I had my baby - she is 3 now but somehow I haven't been able to recover. However I am not going to justify this like other LD posters - you can make an effort and that is what I'm doing for my husband! I'm making a special point to initiate and to please him although I may not be in te mood. And let me tell you, his attitude is much better and he is more pleasant when he gets some! And to the other posters who keep tellig you to do "more things around the house" so she will want sex - this is BS. My hubby is great but not very great at helpin out with certain things but in my opinion there is NO correlation. Sex is sex and those with HD need it and hose wih LD don't need it as much. No amount of helping around he house will make me want to jump my husband more. Only my conscious choice to make an effort will help - that's the first step to recovery!
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2013 08:54     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
"DW hardly initiated before kids. Did you read the thread or skipped to page 32?"

Yup, DW clearly pulled a Bait and Switch on OP.

Pay attention!
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2013 08:14     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:Geez op, your wife has a toddler and a 4 month old!!! That is why she is tired! You sound clueless and selfish, which have nothing to do with differing sex drives.

As for the dryness issues - that did not happen to me personally, but breast feeding has totally sapped my libido. I still want and enjoy sex, but it takes about 2 weeks to build up. Add that to ppd, exhaustion, and a dh who does not do a lot of childcare ... Sex just is not the same right now.


DW hardly initiated before kids. Did you read the thread or skipped to page 32?
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2013 07:12     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Geez op, your wife has a toddler and a 4 month old!!! That is why she is tired! You sound clueless and selfish, which have nothing to do with differing sex drives.

As for the dryness issues - that did not happen to me personally, but breast feeding has totally sapped my libido. I still want and enjoy sex, but it takes about 2 weeks to build up. Add that to ppd, exhaustion, and a dh who does not do a lot of childcare ... Sex just is not the same right now.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2013 02:06     Subject: Re:If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Very interesting thread and some great discussion. One thing that strikes me is that LD folks are incredibly defensive. I will assume it's out of guilt.

I've been HD/LD at different times in my 10 year marriage (together for 20). The idea that it takes 4-6 months to "recover" from childbirth is very strange to me. While your desire might not come roaring back full forth, the idea that women find sex painful and undesirable for that long of a period is a cop-out.


You just demonstrated the inability to relate to other human beings who have an experience different than yours.

I am HD, and was very much in the mood starting 2 months after birth, but the physical pain made sex impossible.


Pain from dryness? or what other complication?


episiotomy