Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

Anonymous wrote:I didn't persuade my husband to let me be a SAHM. We discussed it and we both decided that it was what was best for our family. He has a very demanding job outside of the home and we agreed that I would stay home and deal with all things kids/house (except maintenance) and animals. He knows his life is much easier because I stay home. He's never called for kid emergencies or has to stay home when they are sick or deal with Dr. appointments.

He also earned about 10x what I did at the time.

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you're still following this thread, I'd advise you to call your ex, apologize for how things ended between the two of you, tell him you still love him, tell him you understand where he's coming from, suggest compromises such as you going down to part-time work, and if that doesn't work, eventually settle on deciding to hire a nanny or nanny-share. What you're looking for isn't unreasonable, but you're unlikely to find it in this economy and job market. After years of marriage, you two may have much more assets, when the staying home issue can be revisited.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paid work can’t define purpose or value of a human being, it’s just a way to pay bills. That being said, in this society and economy, keep one foot in paid work, even if you want to and can afford to stay home. Not only because marriages are disposable and lives are unpredictable but because society judges your value per paid work hours. Stepford workers want conformity.

So if paid work can't define purpose, why would you put the burden on your spouse to pay all the bills while you find purpose and value?. This means they are spending little to no time on their own purpose and most of it on bills while you spend more of yours on your purpose. Isn't that selfish on your part?

I think women know that the SAHM gig becomes a con once the kids are in school, which is one reason why so few would sign up for a role reversal, where they are the breadwinners. Heck, even having a remote-work husband drives many of them batty, whether they are SAHM, WOHM, or remote work themselves. And the idea that a breadwinner wife would have to fork over her 50% of her savings and pay child support to a SAHD in the case of a divorce — inconceivable!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paid work can’t define purpose or value of a human being, it’s just a way to pay bills. That being said, in this society and economy, keep one foot in paid work, even if you want to and can afford to stay home. Not only because marriages are disposable and lives are unpredictable but because society judges your value per paid work hours. Stepford workers want conformity.

So if paid work can't define purpose, why would you put the burden on your spouse to pay all the bills while you find purpose and value?. This means they are spending little to no time on their own purpose and most of it on bills while you spend more of yours on your purpose. Isn't that selfish on your part?

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

Anonymous wrote:Paid work can’t define purpose or value of a human being, it’s just a way to pay bills. That being said, in this society and economy, keep one foot in paid work, even if you want to and can afford to stay home. Not only because marriages are disposable and lives are unpredictable but because society judges your value per paid work hours. Stepford workers want conformity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.

I'll never understand wanting to have kids with someone who doesn't do any parenting. I mean, glad it works for you, I just don't get it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paid work can’t define purpose or value of a human being, it’s just a way to pay bills. That being said, in this society and economy, keep one foot in paid work, even if you want to and can afford to stay home. Not only because marriages are disposable and lives are unpredictable but because society judges your value per paid work hours. Stepford workers want conformity.

Journalism didn't define purpose for Hunter S Thompson? Physics and educating didn't define purpose for Richard Feynman? You looked at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and thought to yourself "No purpose of value here, just a way to pay the bills."

Your acquaintances volunteering themselves for purpose-less jobs isn't a universal definition of 'work'.

+1. That seemed like a weird comment to make following the one about SAHM married to a surgeon. I think both of them are defined by their work.

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM married to a surgeon with a very demanding career. I had a great job for 10 yrs, saved a lot of money pre-kids, and supported DH through med school. DH is religious/ traditional and we always knew we wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to be a SAHM with them. DH is very career focused and so appreciative that he has been able to give 1000% to his career, never has to worry about missing work due to kids getting sick, snow days, random daycare closures, or the A/C technician coming to the house on a random Tuesday, and he has a hot meal and clean laundry waiting for him when he gets home from a 12+ hr day. He’s often on call or working late into the night, and can also go to big conferences/travel, and never has to worry about getting home to pick up kids or bedtime.
I think it’s about managing expectations. I’m totally ok doing ALL the housework and childcare and solo parenting most of the time due to his demanding career. We also slogged it together from the beginning- through med school and residency when I was the breadwinner- so it makes us feel like we really built it together.
Everything he earns is also very much “our” money. Even when we have disagreements about money, he ends up having me make the final call/never spends or invests anything without my permission.
I think having a high income or a lot of savings is essential in a high cost of living city to make it work. In a lot of cities you just cannot afford kids on one income without considerable sacrifice.
Side note that I recently went back to work part-time, mostly for my own personal fulfillment. He actually preferred I didn’t go back to work but said do it if it makes me happy. I think having a career that you can jump back into after a long gap is also helpful- so if the main breadwinner ever does lose their job or something happens, or one day you decide you want out, you’re not trapped.

OP, I think you can absolutely find the right person who wants the same lifestyle as you, it can work, but I agree with being upfront about what you want before you get married and have kids. I know too many moms who are heartbroken sending their 3mo to daycare when they want to stay home with them, but financially they just can’t. You’re still young, work hard, build your career, save your money, and find the right person.