Anonymous
Post 08/29/2021 10:25     Subject: If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Unicorn here. Great family life growing up, mom stayed home until we were in MS, then worked PT. They are still happily married 50 years now.

I am happily married for 20+ years, 2 kids (great kids, not perfect because we are all human), and my parents live nearby. Sometimes we see them 3 times a week, and sometimes not at all for 3 months, depending on what is happening in our lives and theirs.

I am happy, healthy, and I always thought regular/normal. My guess is people post when they are are unhappy or stressed or experiencing something they need help with. When things are just normal, we don't really talk about it because there is nothing to say. Does that make sense?


Why are you posting? The take away for you should be understanding and empathy. People around you are struggling and that struggling plays out with varying degrees of behavior that may be foreign to you.

Do you understand? The take away for you should be….don’t hurt people because you don’t understand their behavior. Is this a teachable moment for you?


The first poster is responding to the question on what it’s like to grow up without trauma. Are you so hurt that you open this thread but can even read the answers?
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2021 00:57     Subject: If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
Anonymous wrote:mentally ill parent, sexually molested by neighbor, father who occasionally hit us and my mom. Sibling died of cancer at 36.

Handled all of that well. Successful, advanced degree, great job, wonderful husband.

Now, mentally ill child. The hurt is so different.

I am at the end of my coping rope....starting to crumble.


I'm so sorry to hear this. Are you talking to a therapist?
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2021 00:24     Subject: If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure where the line is, OP. I wasn't allowed to see friends outside of school. No socializing with family. No TV, no video games, no exposure to popular culture. No revealing clothes. A very limited amount of just the right foods. This was not a religious thing. My mother suffered from mental illness, controlled my life to an unhealthy degree and did not allow me to develop any kind of independence, which affected my college and career choices and ability to function in both, as well as in my private life. As a result of both nature and nurture, I too have major anxiety.

I was a compliant child and read books. My mother was very loving. I didn't realize how others really lived until I left home.

So... the trauma, if if can be called that, is the sort of brain-washing that a cult-member lives through. There's no pain in the moment, but there is pain afterward when you realize how stunted you are.


DP. I'm sorry to hear this. Is it an option for you to see a therapist?
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2021 00:04     Subject: Re:If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
I come from an intact family, parents are both educated, my father has an Ivy League education. They are happily married. I’ve never seen domestic violence, addiction, mental illness or experienced food insecurity or poverty. They paid for private schools and all our college plus post-graduate expenses. All we were asked to do was be safe, get good grades in school. They always came to parent teacher conferences. They made sure we had extracurricular activities. They did all this in a solidly middle class salary. They’re not easy to speak to because they’re very reserved and emotionally inhibited, but other than that, my childhood was a safe place. It took me a long time to establish boundaries and be assertive because it was something I didn’t have to do growing up. I am also very shaken when I have had encounters with people who are very angry, mentally ill and emotionally disturbed. I am used to people behaving according to social norms. When people don’t, I am quite surprised.

My husband had a completely different upbringing although he’s turned out to be an easy going, kind person.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2021 19:58     Subject: If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
Anonymous wrote:Unicorn here. Great family life growing up, mom stayed home until we were in MS, then worked PT. They are still happily married 50 years now.

I am happily married for 20+ years, 2 kids (great kids, not perfect because we are all human), and my parents live nearby. Sometimes we see them 3 times a week, and sometimes not at all for 3 months, depending on what is happening in our lives and theirs.

I am happy, healthy, and I always thought regular/normal. My guess is people post when they are are unhappy or stressed or experiencing something they need help with. When things are just normal, we don't really talk about it because there is nothing to say. Does that make sense?


Why are you posting? The take away for you should be understanding and empathy. People around you are struggling and that struggling plays out with varying degrees of behavior that may be foreign to you.

Do you understand? The take away for you should be….don’t hurt people because you don’t understand their behavior. Is this a teachable moment for you?
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2021 19:03     Subject: Re:If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
It was nice? Growing up wasn’t without its issues since I have anxiety. But as I get older I feel lucky I was spared.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2021 19:01     Subject: If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I had a really idyllic childhood with wonderful parents and siblings. I grew up in a household without fighting between the adults. As kids we bickered like all normal kids do.

As an adult I discovered I didn’t know how to fight. Every argument with a significant other caused me so much stress and angst because I didn’t grow up in a household where those exchanges occurred and to me they were monumentally huge/negative events. I think this was exacerbated because my partners did grow up in traumatic dysfunctional homes so they didn’t have the healthiest habits for disagreements and I had no significant experience with disagreements.



Alllll of this. If you saw White Lotus I am Rachel when my husband complains - physically uncomfortable. I am hardwired to defuse conflict.


You get these reactions because the households you grew up in were conflict avoidant, not because you grew up in a happy household. There are many happy households where the children are able to see their parents successfully and healthily navigate conflict. If you never saw that growing up, I guarantee you that your household wasn’t as happy as you think. At least one of your parents (probably your mom) didn’t have a voice.

Zero-conflict households are as unhealthy and toxic as high-conflict households.


There’s no point in arguing on the Internet, but I disagree. I grew up in a happy home with no fighting and each parent absolutely had a voice. They were just a very very well matched.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2021 18:51     Subject: If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think the word "trauma" is over-used. When I think of childhood "trauma" I think of severe instances---like being in a terrible accident, or being beaten/abused regularly, or seeing a family member killed in front of you, or being abandoned by your parents. Then there are the "adverse environmental factors"---like having parents divorce, or living in poverty, or with a family member who is an alcoholic (though not abusive). But today "trauma" is used for everything.


+1


Splitting hairs about whether living with divorced or alcoholic parents counts as traumatic enough really diverts from the very real prevalence of violence, physical and sexual abuse of children in our country.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2021 18:43     Subject: Re:If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
Feels normal

You find petty stuff to ruminate on
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2021 18:26     Subject: If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
Anonymous wrote:I think the word "trauma" is over-used. When I think of childhood "trauma" I think of severe instances---like being in a terrible accident, or being beaten/abused regularly, or seeing a family member killed in front of you, or being abandoned by your parents. Then there are the "adverse environmental factors"---like having parents divorce, or living in poverty, or with a family member who is an alcoholic (though not abusive). But today "trauma" is used for everything.


+1
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2021 17:59     Subject: If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
Anonymous wrote:Well, I was sexually molested by a neighbor kid when I was 5 or 6 and watched a sibling go through cancer twice in a 5 year period. My parents made lots of mistakes but I realized later that they did the best they could with what they knew and what they had. They raised kids in a very different generation and the parent-child norms that exist today did not exist then.

I am now in my mid-40s. I am very happily married to someone I have been with for over 20 years, 2 kids, lots of friends, and a great career. I didn't let my childhood define me and I made every effort to cultivate the life that I wanted for myself and for my kids. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.

For context, the rest of my siblings are dysfunctional, play the victim card, and blame my parents for everything in their life. My sister thinks our mom is a narcissist and all of her life issues are the result of our mom. From an outside perspective, a lot of the friction between my mom and sister is driven by the way my sister talks and treats my mom. Both of them are highly sensitive due to low self esteem, stubborn, and cannot see the world from anyone's perspective other than their own.

I can look at all the problems in my sister's life and attribute them to poor decision-making and how she responded to every adverse event in her life.






I really hate it when people think that because they were able to overcome a challenge in a particular way that they have the right to look down and judge other people who have trauma and are still suffering with it and because of it.
Good for you but you’re doing great I think that’s wonderful but don’t claim to my using the victim card that’s just demeaning.
You can see and understand that they may be making poor choices just wish them well but don’t denigrate them.
By the way that 10% /90% is BS because that 90% that you’re talking about . what you do if nobody taught you how to do you’re going to have a hard road ahead.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2021 16:24     Subject: Re:If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
Growing up with some trauma can be “healthy” later in life and I’m not talking about sexual abuse etc. Getting a dose of real life early on can prepare you for the challenges ahead.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2021 15:17     Subject: Re:If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
I have no idea! I was born with a severe physical handicap, wore leg braces full time until I was four and I had four operations by the time I was 11. But I had awesome parents and great siblings and they treated me as just one of the kids. But that experience really gave me the desire to overcome obstacles and to work hard and work smart and that has helped throughout my life. I do believe my now adult children learned a lot from me because it is very obvious I have a challenge but I have never let it get I’m my way. They know that for me to do anything physical takes a lot of extra effort that few others have to go through.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2021 13:55     Subject: If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
I have a childhood friend who grew up no trauma in a child centered and very loving home. I still keep in touch in adulthood, though we are not close and she struggles a lot with friendships. She has no depth. The one thing she considers her major trama which she still talks about is a bad job situation. I had practically the same experience and moved on decades ago. I came from a verbally abusive home with frightening dysfunction and had faced quite a few adversities over the years. We both had first bosses that were bullies, but I faced sexual harassment too. It was Hell. I filed a complaint, met with a lawyer, found a new job and moved on. She never worked again. Her parents supported her and then rich husband did. She shares awful stories people she knows have shared and she has no empathy and then she wonders why they fade off. I think when the shit really hits the fan she will will have no ability to cope-no close friends to reach out to, no thinking skills to work through it. She would never seek therapy.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2021 10:16     Subject: If you have no childhood trauma, what's that like?
57 years old here - ZERO issues growing up with a fun and loving family, married the perfect person and have amazing kids. I am truly blessed.

But, as others have said, I have no tools to deal with any real life adversity. I get wrapped up in knots over what others would consider "regular" conflicts. It makes me feel weak and I hate it.