Obviously you shouldn’t be calling each other names during fights, but to do it in front of other people? That means there’s a real problem in your relationship. Your mom might be picking up on that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During this fight was your fiancee calling you names, swearing at you or threatening you?

OP here.

Yes, it got pretty nasty with each other. A bad moment for both of us.

Maybe your mom is onto something. Maybe not about your fiancée specifically but about your relationship.

Maybe the fiancee sticks up for herself and isn't a doormat.

Either way verbal communication should be respectful and back & forth. No stonewalling, No raised voices, No talking over someone, No dodging questions, No deflecting, No name calling, No cursing AT each other.

You can name behaviors. That was rude, that was freaky, that was hurtful.

Bad behaviors are what need fixing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During this fight was your fiancee calling you names, swearing at you or threatening you?

OP here.

Yes, it got pretty nasty with each other. A bad moment for both of us.

If that is how you(or maybe just her?) fights, I agree with your mom. Your fiancé sounds trashy and you aren’t a good fight (swearing and threatening are a give away).

Where you BOTH name calling, swearing and/or threatening each other?

Can you say what the original topic was or how it started?

Anonymous wrote:If I saw a partner call my only child names and be nasty, they would be done in my eyes. I’m team mom here and her concerns are not new I bet she diplomatically expressed her concerns and OP ignored them.

My doubts about the mother are less about her reasons for disliking the fiancé (which may be justified) but how she’s acting towards her son through all of this. It doesn’t seem like she is showing him concern and love, but berating and threatening him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

1. Not a race/class issue. Fiancée is white with MC background.

2. About the long engagement. We were engaged when I was finishing my time in the navy and waited until we could afford a house and wedding without taking on debt. Covid added a year to our engagement time.

I appreciate the helpful responses. This is agonizing on many levels for both of us. I don’t know how my mom will be long term.

Why does she think your fiancée is a “thug”?

Maybe she is like one of those women in An Offer and a Gentleman? While the military isn’t exactly a lucrative career field, it does sometimes attract a certain type of woman. Thug probably isn’t the right term, but given how you describe the fighting, I can see where mom might be coming from

If I saw a partner call my only child names and be nasty, they would be done in my eyes. I’m team mom here and her concerns are not new I bet she diplomatically expressed her concerns and OP ignored them.

If my mom had not wanted me to marry DH she would have expressed her concerns and then gone to the wedding, anyway. A good parent wouldn’t punish their adult child for marrying the wrong person, they would be by their side to support and love them so that, if things did go sideways, they had someone to be there for them.

My DHs mother kind of spun out when we got married. He’s also an only child and she’s a single mom. Fortunately she didn’t take it out on me but she called DH multiple times a day for a while and would break into tears occasionally over the fact that she was “losing” him (we live 45min away and see her weekly). It sounds like your mom might be freaking out in the same way.

You need to calmly discuss things with your mom. If she has serious concerns let her share them but her calling your fiancé a thug should not be tolerated. Also, I’m a bit suspicious of her choice to not come to the wedding. While she may actually be concerned about your relationship she is making the whole thing about herself and trying to manipulate you into breaking things off

Its hard to say what's going on here. Maybe Mom is way too overbearing and overstepping boundaries. Or maybe she sees what OP can't, which is that this is a bad match.

when my brother was engaged, I had one--one single--conversation with him about how I thought his fiancee was not a good fit/not healthy, etc. It didn't go anywhere and I didn't push it. It was a 10 year nightmare that bankrupted and broke him. I wish I had been more adamant, but I also knew and know that there's only so much you can do when someone is set to marry.

I do worry about OP and his fiance calling each other names. That's a sign of poor conflict resolution. I understand the stressors, but there will always be stressors, and worse ones (job loss, kids, illness, etc).

OP, do you have any doubts? Do you think your mom has valid concerns?

to answer your question, If I were determined to marry someone I would not cancel because a parent refused to participate. But I would also hope that in this circumstance someone resolution can be found. Can your fiancee reach out to your mom?

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Invite her, don't press the issue, just tell her you hope she'll come. Give her the space to back down on her own. Don't make drama with other family members. Don't tell your fiancee everything your mom says. Don't stir the fire, just let it die down. If she doesn't come, she doesn't come, there's not a lot you can do. But maybe she'll relent if you leave the door open, but also don't back down. You can tell her that if she has real concerns and can express them respectfully, you'll listen, but that you're not going to listen to her just trash your fiancee, and that you plan to marry her whether or not your mom attends the wedding -- although you hope she'll come.

Yes. You will need to be the bigger person here, the most mature and the most psychologically stable. I need to do this with my mother, and let me tell you, the first few years were difficult. It permanently changed our relationship and it felt so wrong to “be the parent”!!!

But this how it is, OP.

Yes. I think ops mom has been holding back her concerns and after hearing the fight that op admits involved name-calling , threatening and swearing is scared for her daughter and I don't blame her. I hope she still comes to the wedding because op will need her support moving forward.


Op, you shouldn't call off the wedding because your mom says so but you really need to have a good think about the dynamics of the relationship and how healthy they are and if they can be fixed

Yes calling off a wedding last minute sucks but it's worse to marry dysfunction and toxicity and potentially expose children to that. It's much more difficult to divorce than to postpone or call off a wedding so really think about it and maybe book a few sessions if premarital counseling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During this fight was your fiancee calling you names, swearing at you or threatening you?

OP here.

Yes, it got pretty nasty with each other. A bad moment for both of us.

If that is how you(or maybe just her?) fights, I agree with your mom. Your fiancé sounds trashy and you aren’t a good fight (swearing and threatening are a give away).

Mom is calling fiancé a thug, I think OP is very used to name calling from women in his life.

I can’t speak to your relationship with your fiancé but it does sound like your mother is trying to control the situation in an unhealthy way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you may be enmeshed with your Mom. Did you lose a parent early and in essence became her ‘husband’? If so she is feeling ‘replaced’. This is common in fractured and dysfunctional families and will need counseling. Your model is the Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps...he has done a masterful job - but learned this (I’m guessing) through his multiple girlfriends and counseling.

OP - this response from page 1 seems to fit your situation perfectly.

Your mom’s behavior calls out for counseling; can you get help for her? (will her insurance cover her counseling?)

+1. Your mother is not handling herself well and may continue this behavior moving forward if she does no address her issues.

You should talk to your fiancé about how you fight, there is no good reason to name call during a fight, but I don’t think this is actually why your mother is freaking out. She’s afraid of losing you to your new family with another woman.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During this fight was your fiancee calling you names, swearing at you or threatening you?

OP here.

Yes, it got pretty nasty with each other. A bad moment for both of us.

If that is how you(or maybe just her?) fights, I agree with your mom. Your fiancé sounds trashy and you aren’t a good fight (swearing and threatening are a give away).