Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

That’s BS. It’s SO different today. My kids interact online with people that I have never met, in some cases my kids themselves have only met them briefly or a long time ago and they now have an online “friendship.” Also phone calls were usually just conversations. Now the kids are exchanging photos and videos and all the other garbage that’s available on the internet.

+100
The pace of everything is so different now than it was back then. Years ago you had to catch your friends on the phone or hang out with them but now everything is instantaneous and things develp so much faster. This absolutely leads to a different dynamic and now there is more chances for problems to arise quickly.

I think a parent is being foolish to think that the same "rules" apply now that applied when we were kids. The world back then does not compare at all to what is our kids' reality today.

I will not check texts when DD gets older but I agree that the diary and eavesdropping analogies are not good ones. I don’t read DD’s journal and I don’t eavesdrop. Never would.

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious what you parents of older teens think will tip you off to safety concerns. Do you think your child will have noticeable behavior changes? Do you think s/he will come to you if something is going on? Do you have parental controls on? Have you talked extensively about predators online? Do your children know that everything they do on that phone can and will be saved in perpetuity and possibly harm them in college or their professional life?

Yes absolutely about the behavior changes! You should always be on the lookout for those and they will tip you off. You should also maintain a line of communication as much as you can; your kids need to feel comfortable coming to you with problems. And I think part of that is showing them that you trust them enough to give them some privacy. I don’t judge parents who look at the phones of older teens but I won’t do that for mine. Yes they will mess up but I cannot and should not try to control that.

And of course we have talked about online predators, and I have told my kids to assume that everything they send will be screen-shotted and passed around. I check my 12yo’s messages and have pointed out to her instances in which somebody is probably fishing for gossip to cause drama and that she needs to deal with it differently.

Yep, I check. My kid knows it.

All of our phones stay out in the living room at night to charge and I have his passcode. I check occasionally.

Here’s the thing. Teens may know the right thing to do, but they don’t always do it. We talked with our teen all the time about internet safety, not communicating with strangers, never revealing personal information, etc. She assured us time and again that she knew and understood and that she would never be that stupid. She’s always been smart and responsible so we trusted that she was acting accordingly. And then we checked her messages and she had done it anyway. Their brains are just not equipped to make good choices all the time at that age.

It is absolutely necessary today to monitor our teens and children's screens. Internet privacy is a privilege not a right. They should earn there way to that by showing responsibility/maturity.  The internet is a hotbed for problems in our children and teens, as I'm sure you know. Our teens are extremely vulnerable. Their brains are still developing until their mid 20's and their emotions run very high so they get sucked into things very easily. I would put limits on the screen time, then do random spot checks to see who they are communicating with. Also, follow them on their social media and make sure they don't have any accounts that you can't see. Make sure the people they are interacting with are those you know. Look at their history. Porn addiction is a huge problem in our society today and is affecting our teens and all ages in numbers that are astronomical.  In addition, you need to educate https://bit.ly/2XB3Erz yourself, your husband, and your child/teen on the internet dangers and how to protect your family. Keep lines of communication open so your child/teen feels comfortable going to you when something questionable happens. If you see any changes in their behavior make sure you communicate with them about it and find solutions. Praying for safety for your family.

I am in the "check" camp - more regularly when in middle school and then tapered off in high school. Never looked at every text but tried to pay attention to bullying/shaming. Oldest daughter last time I checked was junior year (she's now in college), second daughter stopped checking some time in senior year (there were several episodes of texts that crossed a legal line - on the senders side - from high school peers), so with the youngest daughter (starts high school this year) we'll see.

At school orientation they urged parents to regularly check their child's phone and social media.

I do check my 14 yo son's texts (which he never responds to), Discord, and his browser history. So far he's above board on everything, so I will likely start easing off checking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely.
It’s part of parenting in the 21st century
I’ve had to correct my kids (and by extension their friends) several times on things that were completely inappropriate or bordering on dangerous). I never comment on regular stupid teen stuff. The internet/social media is a very hard/ confusing world for an adolescent to navigate. Their brain is not yet fully formed and it shows.
We have averted a couple disasters
- Mom of 4

How old?

My 13yo and 16yo. No longer for my 19yo in college.

I do. Even in HS I am still a parent. Nothing on the Internet is truly private. If they don’t want someone to see it- don’t write it.

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely.
It’s part of parenting in the 21st century
I’ve had to correct my kids (and by extension their friends) several times on things that were completely inappropriate or bordering on dangerous). I never comment on regular stupid teen stuff. The internet/social media is a very hard/ confusing world for an adolescent to navigate. Their brain is not yet fully formed and it shows.
We have averted a couple disasters
- Mom of 4

How old?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

That’s BS. It’s SO different today. My kids interact online with people that I have never met, in some cases my kids themselves have only met them briefly or a long time ago and they now have an online “friendship.” Also phone calls were usually just conversations. Now the kids are exchanging photos and videos and all the other garbage that’s available on the internet.

+100
The pace of everything is so different now than it was back then. Years ago you had to catch your friends on the phone or hang out with them but now everything is instantaneous and things develp so much faster. This absolutely leads to a different dynamic and now there is more chances for problems to arise quickly.

I think a parent is being foolish to think that the same "rules" apply now that applied when we were kids. The world back then does not compare at all to what is our kids' reality today.

Anonymous wrote:I don't (my twins are 15). I don't want to know the ins and outs of their friendships. It doesn't feel appropriate to me and makes me anxious. I have a touch of social anxiety myself and
knowing that so-and-so said this or didn't say that to my kids would just worry me. I learned a long time ago to just let them handle their own lives. I once got slightly involved in a dispute
with my daughter and a friend when they were both 10 or 11. It didn't end well. In about 4 hours they had both moved on and meanwhile I was left feeling very awkward.
So no, I don't read their texts.

I agree with this. I recently saw texts accidentally between my DD and a boy and I wish I hadn’t. Nothing inappropriate just not any of my business.

Anonymous wrote:I don't (my twins are 15). I don't want to know the ins and outs of their friendships. It doesn't feel appropriate to me and makes me anxious. I have a touch of social anxiety myself and
knowing that so-and-so said this or didn't say that to my kids would just worry me. I learned a long time ago to just let them handle their own lives. I once got slightly involved in a dispute
with my daughter and a friend when they were both 10 or 11. It didn't end well. In about 4 hours they had both moved on and meanwhile I was left feeling very awkward.
So no, I don't read their texts.

My kids are grown and this is why I never got involved in issues with friends. The kids would make up in hours and the parents would be mad for years. 😂

I spot check my 15 YO. I’m looking for 1. Alcohol/drugs, 2. convos w strangers from internet 3. Self harm or friends self harm. Teens do not share. I also check 12 YO but youngest not on social media.