Anonymous
08/18/2021 13:09
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
DP. It is black and white. Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her. If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship. No one is 'owed' a relationship.
The parent/child relationship is not simply two adults who get to decide who is in their lives. Parents are expected to love their children unconditionally which is not something expected of adult friendships. See the Dr Dre thread where multiple people are saying no matter what, would never cut off a mooching adult child who can't stand on their own two feet and would never allow them to become homeless, would support them at all costs. It's not an even playing field between parent/child. Although adult children are not expected to stand by and love their parents unconditionally in the same way. They are allowed, and sometimes encouraged to cut off imperfect parents for minor infractions, much like you would a casual friend or acquaintance. Why are the bonds so easily broken when it comes to children and their parents, but not the other way around?
Do all parents really love and accept their children unconditionally? They’re expected to, sure, but many don’t. I don’t know anyone who has cut parents off, but lots of us end up having to set some serious boundaries or be treated like we are still dependent children.
Well, it's often the adult children who initiate the cutting of ties. And this is a rather new phenomenon. But is it really better?........
It's not really a 'new phenomenon'. It's only become more apparent. It's only within relatively recent memory that it's been so easy, and so cheap, to remain in contact with people living far from you. Not so long ago, if I wanted to cut you off, all I would have to do is move to a different part of the country. Do you not remember the days before email and when you had to pay by the minute for long distance calls?
The difference is not the "cutting off" it's the reasons. People on here are citing reasons like "grandma fed the baby an unapproved food. She doesn't respect our choices" as the reason for the cutting off. Not rampant abuse or neglect.
It is NEVER that simple. And if someone told me they cut off a parent for that reason I would tell them they are being ridiculous. But it is never that, it is a series of events and interactions over years and years that culminates in some event that broke the camels back and then the narcissistic parent with zero self awareness runs around rewriting history and calling themselves a victim.
I have a parent I have contemplated cutting off MANY times and have settled instead for moving to another state and having pretty strict boundaries with. In all of those instances she would say something like this, something silly and act like I was dramatic. But it is a lifetime of emotional abuse that would cause the estrangement, not whatever the latest incident was.
Mistakes happen and RARELY lead to being cut off.
What DOES lead to is is the last straw in a string of choices that undermine the person. Constant doing things the way "you' want and not respecting the choices/requests of those in your life.
Parents often minimize their adult child's wishes and do as they please. That adds up so yeah, ,eventually giving the baby a strawberry instead of the banana may lead to estrangement becuase yet again you didn't give an EFF what you were asked to do. It is exhausting being with people like this.
You don't this is more common now than in the past? When families used to lived more in multi generational housing, it wasn't so easy to just cut off someone you were living with because they made you mad. With just nuclear families or single parent households or even just single adults this is a whole lot easier, and why we see it more often.
Anonymous
08/18/2021 11:52
Subject: In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
In my late 20s and early 30s, I ccasionally would stop taking to my mom when she was behaving poorly and hurting me. She’s so self-involved I am not sure she even noticed.
Anonymous
08/18/2021 11:30
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
DP. It is black and white. Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her. If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship. No one is 'owed' a relationship.
The parent/child relationship is not simply two adults who get to decide who is in their lives. Parents are expected to love their children unconditionally which is not something expected of adult friendships. See the Dr Dre thread where multiple people are saying no matter what, would never cut off a mooching adult child who can't stand on their own two feet and would never allow them to become homeless, would support them at all costs. It's not an even playing field between parent/child. Although adult children are not expected to stand by and love their parents unconditionally in the same way. They are allowed, and sometimes encouraged to cut off imperfect parents for minor infractions, much like you would a casual friend or acquaintance. Why are the bonds so easily broken when it comes to children and their parents, but not the other way around?
Do all parents really love and accept their children unconditionally? They’re expected to, sure, but many don’t. I don’t know anyone who has cut parents off, but lots of us end up having to set some serious boundaries or be treated like we are still dependent children.
Well, it's often the adult children who initiate the cutting of ties. And this is a rather new phenomenon. But is it really better?........
It's not really a 'new phenomenon'. It's only become more apparent. It's only within relatively recent memory that it's been so easy, and so cheap, to remain in contact with people living far from you. Not so long ago, if I wanted to cut you off, all I would have to do is move to a different part of the country. Do you not remember the days before email and when you had to pay by the minute for long distance calls?
The difference is not the "cutting off" it's the reasons. People on here are citing reasons like "grandma fed the baby an unapproved food. She doesn't respect our choices" as the reason for the cutting off. Not rampant abuse or neglect.
It is NEVER that simple. And if someone told me they cut off a parent for that reason I would tell them they are being ridiculous. But it is never that, it is a series of events and interactions over years and years that culminates in some event that broke the camels back and then the narcissistic parent with zero self awareness runs around rewriting history and calling themselves a victim.
I have a parent I have contemplated cutting off MANY times and have settled instead for moving to another state and having pretty strict boundaries with. In all of those instances she would say something like this, something silly and act like I was dramatic. But it is a lifetime of emotional abuse that would cause the estrangement, not whatever the latest incident was.
Mistakes happen and RARELY lead to being cut off.
What DOES lead to is is the last straw in a string of choices that undermine the person. Constant doing things the way "you' want and not respecting the choices/requests of those in your life.
Parents often minimize their adult child's wishes and do as they please. That adds up so yeah, ,eventually giving the baby a strawberry instead of the banana may lead to estrangement becuase yet again you didn't give an EFF what you were asked to do. It is exhausting being with people like this.
Anonymous
08/18/2021 11:27
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Just because a parent rarely cuts off a child doesn't mean they can't or shouldn't.
As an adult it is within your right to choose who you want to give your time and energy to and some choose not to give that to adults in their families that have undermined them, criticized them, demanded things from them.
Some people have a higher tolerance for what is acceptable than others.
My mom was very difficult to live with growing up. Always making me doubt myself and criticizing my choices. Getting upset if I chose different than SHE would have.
I 'cut' her off for a year or 2 by rarely answering calls/texts and visiting only for 1 holiday and keeping it short. Once I got my footing, a new place, new job, started making choices that made me happy, i was able to let her in as I saw fit. I never told her she was cut off, I just distanced the hell away.
I am in a similar boat with MIL where she has said some very hurtful things and has been anything but welcoming. I am nice and pleasant in person but really have no more energy to try to reach out and make it work when it is obvious she will hate me no matter what. Why keep throwing my time and energy to someone like that when i can be with people who bring me joy and love?
As an adult it is within your right to choose who you want to give your time and energy to and some choose not to give that to adults in their families that have undermined them, criticized them, demanded things from them.
Some people have a higher tolerance for what is acceptable than others.
My mom was very difficult to live with growing up. Always making me doubt myself and criticizing my choices. Getting upset if I chose different than SHE would have.
I 'cut' her off for a year or 2 by rarely answering calls/texts and visiting only for 1 holiday and keeping it short. Once I got my footing, a new place, new job, started making choices that made me happy, i was able to let her in as I saw fit. I never told her she was cut off, I just distanced the hell away.
I am in a similar boat with MIL where she has said some very hurtful things and has been anything but welcoming. I am nice and pleasant in person but really have no more energy to try to reach out and make it work when it is obvious she will hate me no matter what. Why keep throwing my time and energy to someone like that when i can be with people who bring me joy and love?
Anonymous
08/18/2021 10:59
Subject: In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Remember that in most cases you are hearing one side of the story. My MIL tells everyone how she sacrificed it all to raise spouse as a single parent. She’s not cut off but they are not close. To her social circle I am sure spouse seems like an ungrateful and awful child, leaving their poor old mother all alone.
The truth is that while spouse was fed and clothed, they were neglected. They were ignored and often left alone or in the care of strangers in favor of a long string of boyfriends and a fun social life. And MIL only began to be interested in being close in the past few years, when her looks finally faded and there were no more boyfriends.
The truth is that while spouse was fed and clothed, they were neglected. They were ignored and often left alone or in the care of strangers in favor of a long string of boyfriends and a fun social life. And MIL only began to be interested in being close in the past few years, when her looks finally faded and there were no more boyfriends.
Anonymous
08/18/2021 10:14
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
DP. It is black and white. Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her. If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship. No one is 'owed' a relationship.
The parent/child relationship is not simply two adults who get to decide who is in their lives. Parents are expected to love their children unconditionally which is not something expected of adult friendships. See the Dr Dre thread where multiple people are saying no matter what, would never cut off a mooching adult child who can't stand on their own two feet and would never allow them to become homeless, would support them at all costs. It's not an even playing field between parent/child. Although adult children are not expected to stand by and love their parents unconditionally in the same way. They are allowed, and sometimes encouraged to cut off imperfect parents for minor infractions, much like you would a casual friend or acquaintance. Why are the bonds so easily broken when it comes to children and their parents, but not the other way around?
Do all parents really love and accept their children unconditionally? They’re expected to, sure, but many don’t. I don’t know anyone who has cut parents off, but lots of us end up having to set some serious boundaries or be treated like we are still dependent children.
Well, it's often the adult children who initiate the cutting of ties. And this is a rather new phenomenon. But is it really better?........
It's not really a 'new phenomenon'. It's only become more apparent. It's only within relatively recent memory that it's been so easy, and so cheap, to remain in contact with people living far from you. Not so long ago, if I wanted to cut you off, all I would have to do is move to a different part of the country. Do you not remember the days before email and when you had to pay by the minute for long distance calls?
The difference is not the "cutting off" it's the reasons. People on here are citing reasons like "grandma fed the baby an unapproved food. She doesn't respect our choices" as the reason for the cutting off. Not rampant abuse or neglect.
It is NEVER that simple. And if someone told me they cut off a parent for that reason I would tell them they are being ridiculous. But it is never that, it is a series of events and interactions over years and years that culminates in some event that broke the camels back and then the narcissistic parent with zero self awareness runs around rewriting history and calling themselves a victim.
I have a parent I have contemplated cutting off MANY times and have settled instead for moving to another state and having pretty strict boundaries with. In all of those instances she would say something like this, something silly and act like I was dramatic. But it is a lifetime of emotional abuse that would cause the estrangement, not whatever the latest incident was.
Anonymous
08/18/2021 10:13
Subject: In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
I think that families can be difficult to navigate. People are complex. There is rarely a one size fits all way to solve all the problems. I also think many families avoid discussing deeper issues out loud in order to keep things humming along. Sometimes that means negative experiences fester before coming to a head.
I don't think one side is always blameless and one side is always wronged. It's almost always more complicated than that. But I do think there are red flags when someone has cut off multiple people in their life over the years. That is the sign the problem lies on their end in more cases than not.
I don't think one side is always blameless and one side is always wronged. It's almost always more complicated than that. But I do think there are red flags when someone has cut off multiple people in their life over the years. That is the sign the problem lies on their end in more cases than not.
Anonymous
08/18/2021 10:06
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
DP. It is black and white. Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her. If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship. No one is 'owed' a relationship.
The parent/child relationship is not simply two adults who get to decide who is in their lives. Parents are expected to love their children unconditionally which is not something expected of adult friendships. See the Dr Dre thread where multiple people are saying no matter what, would never cut off a mooching adult child who can't stand on their own two feet and would never allow them to become homeless, would support them at all costs. It's not an even playing field between parent/child. Although adult children are not expected to stand by and love their parents unconditionally in the same way. They are allowed, and sometimes encouraged to cut off imperfect parents for minor infractions, much like you would a casual friend or acquaintance. Why are the bonds so easily broken when it comes to children and their parents, but not the other way around?
Do all parents really love and accept their children unconditionally? They’re expected to, sure, but many don’t. I don’t know anyone who has cut parents off, but lots of us end up having to set some serious boundaries or be treated like we are still dependent children.
Well, it's often the adult children who initiate the cutting of ties. And this is a rather new phenomenon. But is it really better?........
It's not really a 'new phenomenon'. It's only become more apparent. It's only within relatively recent memory that it's been so easy, and so cheap, to remain in contact with people living far from you. Not so long ago, if I wanted to cut you off, all I would have to do is move to a different part of the country. Do you not remember the days before email and when you had to pay by the minute for long distance calls?
The difference is not the "cutting off" it's the reasons. People on here are citing reasons like "grandma fed the baby an unapproved food. She doesn't respect our choices" as the reason for the cutting off. Not rampant abuse or neglect.
Says grandma.... Np, but I also really doubt grandma goes around telling her friends kid cut her off because she's abusive or mentally ill.
I guess we are reading different boards. Most of the posts like "should I be mad about this?" are often ridiculous and the OP is usually told as much by the majority of posters. It's not a stretch of the imagination to consider that adult children cut their parents or other family members off for small perceived slights. And for all the cutting off and severing of ties it doesn't appear that people are happier now, more than they ever have been so I don't think it's having the intended effect many are hoping for.
Anonymous
08/18/2021 10:01
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
DP. It is black and white. Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her. If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship. No one is 'owed' a relationship.
The parent/child relationship is not simply two adults who get to decide who is in their lives. Parents are expected to love their children unconditionally which is not something expected of adult friendships. See the Dr Dre thread where multiple people are saying no matter what, would never cut off a mooching adult child who can't stand on their own two feet and would never allow them to become homeless, would support them at all costs. It's not an even playing field between parent/child. Although adult children are not expected to stand by and love their parents unconditionally in the same way. They are allowed, and sometimes encouraged to cut off imperfect parents for minor infractions, much like you would a casual friend or acquaintance. Why are the bonds so easily broken when it comes to children and their parents, but not the other way around?
Do all parents really love and accept their children unconditionally? They’re expected to, sure, but many don’t. I don’t know anyone who has cut parents off, but lots of us end up having to set some serious boundaries or be treated like we are still dependent children.
Well, it's often the adult children who initiate the cutting of ties. And this is a rather new phenomenon. But is it really better?........
It's not really a 'new phenomenon'. It's only become more apparent. It's only within relatively recent memory that it's been so easy, and so cheap, to remain in contact with people living far from you. Not so long ago, if I wanted to cut you off, all I would have to do is move to a different part of the country. Do you not remember the days before email and when you had to pay by the minute for long distance calls?
The difference is not the "cutting off" it's the reasons. People on here are citing reasons like "grandma fed the baby an unapproved food. She doesn't respect our choices" as the reason for the cutting off. Not rampant abuse or neglect.
And I am sure that is what grandma told you. And I am equally sure the kids would tell you something very different.
For example, grandma has an established pattern of undermining her child or child-in-law’s choices. Having a child of their own made them realize that they no longer want or need to deal with this undermining behavior. Grandma claims the “unapproved food” was no big deal, but in fact it was something dangerous such as containing an allergen the child reacts to or feeding ice cream to a 4 month old infant, or a choking hazard. In any case, there was no harm to the child but it prompted the new parents to take a step back from the relationship and they realized how much stress and drama grandma brings into their lives (and how little love and respect) and they never really came back into normal contact again.
It's a hypothetical, do you not read these boards?
Anonymous
08/18/2021 09:58
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
DP. It is black and white. Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her. If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship. No one is 'owed' a relationship.
The parent/child relationship is not simply two adults who get to decide who is in their lives. Parents are expected to love their children unconditionally which is not something expected of adult friendships. See the Dr Dre thread where multiple people are saying no matter what, would never cut off a mooching adult child who can't stand on their own two feet and would never allow them to become homeless, would support them at all costs. It's not an even playing field between parent/child. Although adult children are not expected to stand by and love their parents unconditionally in the same way. They are allowed, and sometimes encouraged to cut off imperfect parents for minor infractions, much like you would a casual friend or acquaintance. Why are the bonds so easily broken when it comes to children and their parents, but not the other way around?
Do all parents really love and accept their children unconditionally? They’re expected to, sure, but many don’t. I don’t know anyone who has cut parents off, but lots of us end up having to set some serious boundaries or be treated like we are still dependent children.
Well, it's often the adult children who initiate the cutting of ties. And this is a rather new phenomenon. But is it really better?........
It's not really a 'new phenomenon'. It's only become more apparent. It's only within relatively recent memory that it's been so easy, and so cheap, to remain in contact with people living far from you. Not so long ago, if I wanted to cut you off, all I would have to do is move to a different part of the country. Do you not remember the days before email and when you had to pay by the minute for long distance calls?
The difference is not the "cutting off" it's the reasons. People on here are citing reasons like "grandma fed the baby an unapproved food. She doesn't respect our choices" as the reason for the cutting off. Not rampant abuse or neglect.
Says grandma.... Np, but I also really doubt grandma goes around telling her friends kid cut her off because she's abusive or mentally ill.[/quote
*would do so
Anonymous
08/18/2021 09:58
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
DP. It is black and white. Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her. If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship. No one is 'owed' a relationship.
The parent/child relationship is not simply two adults who get to decide who is in their lives. Parents are expected to love their children unconditionally which is not something expected of adult friendships. See the Dr Dre thread where multiple people are saying no matter what, would never cut off a mooching adult child who can't stand on their own two feet and would never allow them to become homeless, would support them at all costs. It's not an even playing field between parent/child. Although adult children are not expected to stand by and love their parents unconditionally in the same way. They are allowed, and sometimes encouraged to cut off imperfect parents for minor infractions, much like you would a casual friend or acquaintance. Why are the bonds so easily broken when it comes to children and their parents, but not the other way around?
Do all parents really love and accept their children unconditionally? They’re expected to, sure, but many don’t. I don’t know anyone who has cut parents off, but lots of us end up having to set some serious boundaries or be treated like we are still dependent children.
Well, it's often the adult children who initiate the cutting of ties. And this is a rather new phenomenon. But is it really better?........
It's not really a 'new phenomenon'. It's only become more apparent. It's only within relatively recent memory that it's been so easy, and so cheap, to remain in contact with people living far from you. Not so long ago, if I wanted to cut you off, all I would have to do is move to a different part of the country. Do you not remember the days before email and when you had to pay by the minute for long distance calls?
The difference is not the "cutting off" it's the reasons. People on here are citing reasons like "grandma fed the baby an unapproved food. She doesn't respect our choices" as the reason for the cutting off. Not rampant abuse or neglect.
Says grandma.... Np, but I also really doubt grandma goes around telling her friends kid cut her off because she's abusive or mentally ill.
Anonymous
08/18/2021 09:57
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
DP. It is black and white. Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her. If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship. No one is 'owed' a relationship.
The parent/child relationship is not simply two adults who get to decide who is in their lives. Parents are expected to love their children unconditionally which is not something expected of adult friendships. See the Dr Dre thread where multiple people are saying no matter what, would never cut off a mooching adult child who can't stand on their own two feet and would never allow them to become homeless, would support them at all costs. It's not an even playing field between parent/child. Although adult children are not expected to stand by and love their parents unconditionally in the same way. They are allowed, and sometimes encouraged to cut off imperfect parents for minor infractions, much like you would a casual friend or acquaintance. Why are the bonds so easily broken when it comes to children and their parents, but not the other way around?
Do all parents really love and accept their children unconditionally? They’re expected to, sure, but many don’t. I don’t know anyone who has cut parents off, but lots of us end up having to set some serious boundaries or be treated like we are still dependent children.
Well, it's often the adult children who initiate the cutting of ties. And this is a rather new phenomenon. But is it really better?........
It's not really a 'new phenomenon'. It's only become more apparent. It's only within relatively recent memory that it's been so easy, and so cheap, to remain in contact with people living far from you. Not so long ago, if I wanted to cut you off, all I would have to do is move to a different part of the country. Do you not remember the days before email and when you had to pay by the minute for long distance calls?
The difference is not the "cutting off" it's the reasons. People on here are citing reasons like "grandma fed the baby an unapproved food. She doesn't respect our choices" as the reason for the cutting off. Not rampant abuse or neglect.
And I am sure that is what grandma told you. And I am equally sure the kids would tell you something very different.
For example, grandma has an established pattern of undermining her child or child-in-law’s choices. Having a child of their own made them realize that they no longer want or need to deal with this undermining behavior. Grandma claims the “unapproved food” was no big deal, but in fact it was something dangerous such as containing an allergen the child reacts to or feeding ice cream to a 4 month old infant, or a choking hazard. In any case, there was no harm to the child but it prompted the new parents to take a step back from the relationship and they realized how much stress and drama grandma brings into their lives (and how little love and respect) and they never really came back into normal contact again.
Anonymous
08/18/2021 09:56
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:that’s really sad—but I can’t help but wonder what happened to your daughter that made her want to escape through drugs. I’d be exploring that if I were you. Happy, healthy people don’t do drugs for the most part.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
That's not at all true, Elle Woods. "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands - they just don't!"
Addiction is a disease that can manifest itself in many ways and also skip generations.
Addiction is bad on my dad's side of the family. My one cousin is addicted to hardcore drugs, his brother chain-smokes and is an alcoholic, and their sister is morbidly obese (food addiction). My brother is a alcoholic with 3 DUIs and our dad is a recovered alcoholic. So far, I have been spared. Same with my uncle, who is the father of those three cousins and my dad's brother, no addictions for him.
You will probably read that above and think 'what in the trailer park?!' but no, everyone mentioned above went to good colleges and graduated. All except for the drug addict live in the DMV area and maintain jobs - a lawyer, a c-suite executive, a teacher, a software developer.
Anonymous
08/18/2021 09:40
Subject: In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
My feeling on that Atlantic article is that it’s part of the new not United States but Divided States. Divide and conquer. When families break up over perceived political views it’s just sad. But it does weaken the US overall.
Anonymous
08/18/2021 09:38
Subject: Re:In this forum we typically hear from the young person who cut off their parent, sibling, or IL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.
It’s not always so black and white. Our DD cut us off b/c she thought our rules that drugs may not enter our home was unreasonable. She also thought that dating a twice convicted drug dealer was acceptable and that bringing that individual into our home, when we were not home was acceptable. Worse, she brought this creep around her minor brother & sister, while we were out of town. She opted to leave, drop out of college & cut us off because these behaviors were not acceptable in our home. When I say drugs, I’m referring to pills & LSD. It’s horrid and sad but she refuses help & therapy. She is her own worst enemy. As parents, we have to protect all of our kids, particularly the minors. As she’s over 18, we can’t do much except offer help, therapy & support.
DP. It is black and white. Adults get to choose who is in their life and who isn't. Your DD can no more impose her choices on you than you can impose your choices on her. If either party determines those choices are not acceptable, they are entitled to end the relationship. No one is 'owed' a relationship.
The parent/child relationship is not simply two adults who get to decide who is in their lives. Parents are expected to love their children unconditionally which is not something expected of adult friendships. See the Dr Dre thread where multiple people are saying no matter what, would never cut off a mooching adult child who can't stand on their own two feet and would never allow them to become homeless, would support them at all costs. It's not an even playing field between parent/child. Although adult children are not expected to stand by and love their parents unconditionally in the same way. They are allowed, and sometimes encouraged to cut off imperfect parents for minor infractions, much like you would a casual friend or acquaintance. Why are the bonds so easily broken when it comes to children and their parents, but not the other way around?
Do all parents really love and accept their children unconditionally? They’re expected to, sure, but many don’t. I don’t know anyone who has cut parents off, but lots of us end up having to set some serious boundaries or be treated like we are still dependent children.
Well, it's often the adult children who initiate the cutting of ties. And this is a rather new phenomenon. But is it really better?........
It's not really a 'new phenomenon'. It's only become more apparent. It's only within relatively recent memory that it's been so easy, and so cheap, to remain in contact with people living far from you. Not so long ago, if I wanted to cut you off, all I would have to do is move to a different part of the country. Do you not remember the days before email and when you had to pay by the minute for long distance calls?
The difference is not the "cutting off" it's the reasons. People on here are citing reasons like "grandma fed the baby an unapproved food. She doesn't respect our choices" as the reason for the cutting off. Not rampant abuse or neglect.