Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 15:28     Subject: I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
OP, we are a “nice couple” with a child. My husband is an alcoholic and can’t fight fair. He has almost no sex drive. I’m lonely. We wouldn’t tell you these things at a block party so yeah, it would seem out of nowhere if we end up divorced.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 15:18     Subject: I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Gee, OP. It's almost as if people don't owe you the personal and private details of their marriage and their decisions.

Get a life.


I don't need to know the private details. It seems pretty obvious that their kids would be better off with their parents together and the parents are just being selfish. But clearly you all think getting divorced is NBD so have fun, I guess?


I have two children and have been happily married for 10 years, but nice try.

Anyway, the husband isn't telling you the reasons because it's none of your business. Buzz off. Buzz. Off. You are nosy, intrusive and think you are owed personal information. You are not. By the way, you might want to look to your own marriage--happy people don't get this fixated and don't project so much. Best of luck.


I'm not nosy. I didn't even talk to him. HE called my husband and WANTED TO TELL HIM.

I'm still in complete shock. You wouldn't be?


If my DH and I end up splitting he will certainly call his close friends and tell them it’s over. He’ll likely leave out the fact that he drinks excessively and is verbally abusive when he does. He’ll probably tell them something like “it didn’t work out” or “we just don’t communicate well.”

I’d tell my close friends the truth, but I’d tell everyone else something bland.

He’s in treatment and we’re in therapy, so hopefully it doesn’t come to that. I’m not sure he’s told anyone about either thing.



+1. We are in a similar situation.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 15:11     Subject: I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:Sex

As in, they’re not having it enough for one of the partners (probably the man).


+1
Pretty ignorant every time I hear (like the OP) about "the 3 As" (abuse, adultery, addiction") yet no mention of sex
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 14:30     Subject: I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
It’s picking up at your age because a lot of people stay and are miserable because they don’t want to be separated from very young children who; 1) don’t understand time so don’t understand they will see mommy be able week and 2) can’t call mom to come pick them up if dad is on a bender or starts throwing things or doesn’t come home or has locked himself in the bathroom or whatever. With older kids and teens, there’s a lot more leeway. The presumption of split custody makes a lot of people stay for a lot of years when kids are young.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 14:02     Subject: I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Gee, OP. It's almost as if people don't owe you the personal and private details of their marriage and their decisions.

Get a life.


I don't need to know the private details. It seems pretty obvious that their kids would be better off with their parents together and the parents are just being selfish. But clearly you all think getting divorced is NBD so have fun, I guess?


Sigh. Bad parenting ruins kids. That could be in marriage or divorce. Divorce itself does not ruin kids. It can be done to minimize effects. Being in a miserable household witnessing a bad relationship does far more long-term damage to children (because it models a bad relationship and that will shape their own choices) than a divorce that is done in a respectful way.


+100


I so wish people understood this more. It would save the world (and children) so much misery.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 14:01     Subject: I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Gee, OP. It's almost as if people don't owe you the personal and private details of their marriage and their decisions.

Get a life.


I don't need to know the private details. It seems pretty obvious that their kids would be better off with their parents together and the parents are just being selfish. But clearly you all think getting divorced is NBD so have fun, I guess?


I have two children and have been happily married for 10 years, but nice try.

Anyway, the husband isn't telling you the reasons because it's none of your business. Buzz off. Buzz. Off. You are nosy, intrusive and think you are owed personal information. You are not. By the way, you might want to look to your own marriage--happy people don't get this fixated and don't project so much. Best of luck.


I'm not nosy. I didn't even talk to him. HE called my husband and WANTED TO TELL HIM.

I'm still in complete shock. You wouldn't be?


If my DH and I end up splitting he will certainly call his close friends and tell them it’s over. He’ll likely leave out the fact that he drinks excessively and is verbally abusive when he does. He’ll probably tell them something like “it didn’t work out” or “we just don’t communicate well.”

I’d tell my close friends the truth, but I’d tell everyone else something bland.

He’s in treatment and we’re in therapy, so hopefully it doesn’t come to that. I’m not sure he’s told anyone about either thing.

Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 13:59     Subject: I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Gee, OP. It's almost as if people don't owe you the personal and private details of their marriage and their decisions.

Get a life.


I don't need to know the private details. It seems pretty obvious that their kids would be better off with their parents together and the parents are just being selfish. But clearly you all think getting divorced is NBD so have fun, I guess?


Sigh. Bad parenting ruins kids. That could be in marriage or divorce. Divorce itself does not ruin kids. It can be done to minimize effects. Being in a miserable household witnessing a bad relationship does far more long-term damage to children (because it models a bad relationship and that will shape their own choices) than a divorce that is done in a respectful way.


+100
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 13:52     Subject: Re:I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
I never gave people the exact reasons for my divorce because I had no desire to relive it. I simply said we grew apart and both wanted a fresh start. My ex said the same thing as it was something we actually agreed on! That common front helped in many ways. People want to know so they can feel like an insider but it is none of their FB.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 13:41     Subject: Re:I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People keep things private. It wasn't out of nowhere it was none of your business.


Yes. They know most people are loud mouth harpy gossips and whatever they say WILL get back to their children.

They are protective and have a united front BECAUSE of the well-being of their kids. They aren't going to let out that someone had an affair, was a big Ho or did something else awful.


This. Responsible parents don't broadcast the reasons for their divorce, because they are protecting their kids (and their kids' relationship with both parents). The people who trash the other spouse to anyone who will listen (including the kids) are selfish and are doing their kids a huge disservice
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 13:37     Subject: I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:One of very good set of friends is getting divorced. They were a lovely couple. People are shocked. Wife had an affair. But most people don’t know that.


+1 same- and people never suspect the wife, always assume it was the husband
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 13:35     Subject: Re:I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:People keep things private. It wasn't out of nowhere it was none of your business.


Yes. They know most people are loud mouth harpy gossips and whatever they say WILL get back to their children.

They are protective and have a united front BECAUSE of the well-being of their kids. They aren't going to let out that someone had an affair, was a big Ho or did something else awful.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 13:34     Subject: I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I didn't tell anyone I was being physically abused. Don't assume you know everything.


This. Never told anyone until I left and filed. We were a “nice couple” perfect from the outside. PS DH was also an alcoholic, no one knew.


I never told anyone until the divorce was final.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 13:33     Subject: I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:I know somebody who got married at 19 because she felt pressured into it by both her very religious family and her then-boyfriend. She felt like she couldn’t say no. It was a terrible match. She is smart and ambitious and always active, he plays a lot of video games and never reads or is interested in something that requires an intellectual challenge. She was miserable. Not just miserable like “wow my life sucks,” but she had major anxiety issues and depression. She tried her best for I think years but decided she just couldn’t live her life like that.

She has no desire to remarry and assumes that her ex will remarry (but he is a good person so I personally think he will remarry somebody who will make a great stepmom, and I had a terrible stepmom so I have a bias against them).

I think she absolutely made the decision. She’s going to be a much better mom to her kids. It will be very hard for them but not as hard as it would be had my friend kept trying to white knuckle their way through the marriage her whole life.



This. Happens a lot.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 13:26     Subject: I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Gee, OP. It's almost as if people don't owe you the personal and private details of their marriage and their decisions.

Get a life.


I don't need to know the private details. It seems pretty obvious that their kids would be better off with their parents together and the parents are just being selfish. But clearly you all think getting divorced is NBD so have fun, I guess?


I have two children and have been happily married for 10 years, but nice try.

Anyway, the husband isn't telling you the reasons because it's none of your business. Buzz off. Buzz. Off. You are nosy, intrusive and think you are owed personal information. You are not. By the way, you might want to look to your own marriage--happy people don't get this fixated and don't project so much. Best of luck.


I'm not nosy. I didn't even talk to him. HE called my husband and WANTED TO TELL HIM.

I'm still in complete shock. You wouldn't be?


Oh, you're not nosy? You got secondhand information and ran to the Internet to gossip about it with strangers? Bwahahahaha.

Anyway, MYOB. Yes, sometimes I am surprised to hear about so and so getting divorced, but I'm not "shocked," what with the divorce rate in the United States literally being half of all marriages ending in divorced. You would be "shocked" if it rained if the forecast called for 50% chance of rain?

Grow up, get a life, MYOB.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2021 13:25     Subject: Re:I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere
I think you’re the age that divorces pickup one general, right? I am not quite there yet but I heard it was when kids get a bit older and parents are in their 40s.

Unless you’re living with them, why do you think you know so much about a couple?