Anonymous wrote:

Him asking you to move in instead of get married is a bad sign too.

How is that a bad sign?

He isn't serious about commitment and being a husband if he won't propose *before* moving in.

Granted, you could give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's sincere but a bit awkward. All OP has to do is ask for the commitment first, and then she would avoid finding herself in the same relationship limbo she was in with her ex. But it sounds like she is the one who isn't interested in commitment, at least not to this guy.

Him asking you to move in instead of get married is a bad sign too.

How is that a bad sign?

You need to break up with him because if you aren't yet, you'll never be "sure". Him asking you to move in instead of get married is a bad sign too.

You absolutely can know if you are ready for commitment in 6 months. You just aren't that interested in him, and that's okay.

I got kind of curious about length of time dating and divorce risk and I couldn’t find anything. It seems like you should know the person pretty well but the much bigger divorce risks come from getting married too young, having different drinking habits, having a divorced parent, cohabitating before marriage/engagement, spending lots of money in your wedding (didn’t know that one!), and low levels of income and education.

I got engaged four months after our first date and while I certainly wouldn’t recommend that to anybody, my marriage is pretty good and doesn’t seem to be significantly worse than any other marriage I know of.

But yeah the way the boyfriend reacted is a red flag for sure! Waiting a year should be the default IMO and nobody should feel pressured into such a big decision.

Anonymous wrote:I moved in with my boyfriend after dating about 3 months! We both wanted marriage and kids, and we had similar values and interests and beliefs. Fast forward 20+ years, we are married with two teenage kids, and happy together still. I don't think there is any wrong or right way to play it, it really is about what you are feeling, and your and his prior relationships definitely play into it. I think you just need to explain to him again and again that you do love him, you are just weary after what happened in your last relationship. It will sink in, just give it time, and give him time to be disappointed by your decision, he's not going to just pop back, he will need time to process it.

Fine for him to be disappointed. Not fine for him to basically withdraw affection from OP because he's not getting his way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t think he’s immature. I know him last ex cheated on him while telling him he was the love of life and she couldn’t wait to marry him. He knows I’m not cheating, but I worry he has some issues because of his past.

Withdrawing affection from a partner because they draw a reasonable boundary is immature.. What his ex did has nothing to do with you. You and your BF are in danger of messing up this and future relationships if you don't stop projecting your past traumas from past partners onto current partners and the current situation.

+1

I moved in with my boyfriend after dating about 3 months! We both wanted marriage and kids, and we had similar values and interests and beliefs. Fast forward 20+ years, we are married with two teenage kids, and happy together still. I don't think there is any wrong or right way to play it, it really is about what you are feeling, and your and his prior relationships definitely play into it. I think you just need to explain to him again and again that you do love him, you are just weary after what happened in your last relationship. It will sink in, just give it time, and give him time to be disappointed by your decision, he's not going to just pop back, he will need time to process it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Six months? LOL, anyone who wants to move in and start talking about marriage after ONLY six months is crazy. I had college relationships 3x longer! Seriously, you need to date someone for AT LEAST 1.5-2 YEARS before thinking of marriage. Why? Because six months is still the BS "have sex everyday" and "show your best side" phase a relationship. After a year, that crap passes and you see the REAL person. Then you decide.

I don't agree with this at all. A lot can depend on the age when meeting someone. And the arbitrary dating for 2 years before talking marriage trips so many people up.

It's not wrong OP would like to wait either/

I do agree with it, very strongly. It is not possible to see what a person is like over the course of only six months, especially with respect to very difficult, challenging situation’s. It is not possible to identify that a person has anger management problems or other significant issues that would make a marriage difficult or impossible.

OP, definitely do not move in with him. If he cannot handle a longer getting to know you period then that is on him.

OP, I had a boyfriend pressure me to move in just like you. I loved him. I didn’t have a moral problem with living together. I knew he wanted to get married, and I assumed we would do so. He had the same vulnerabilities you describe - a prior girlfriend that cheated on him.

Over time, I became engaged and moved in with him.

In retrospect, moving our relationship so fast was a form of love-bombing. As time went on, the emotional abuse increased until it escalated to threats of physical abuse.

I left at that point - of course. But I wish friends and family had not normalized his pressuring me (as I feel some PPs are doing to you on this thread); it prevented me from seeing the abusive aspects of his behavior.

Please visit loveisrespect.org - it can help you evaluate a healthy relationship.

If your BF has some trauma from a previous relationship that is affecting him, it is not your responsibility to behave in a way that heals that. He needs to see a therapist and work on his own issues.

Anonymous wrote:The red flag isn't that he wants you all to live together after 6 months, relationships unfold in many ways.

The red flag is his reaction to you telling him you aren't ready yet.

No matter how quickly or slowly a relationship unfolds the has to be respected for a partner's feelings, limits and boundaries. He's not showing you respect by pouting and refusing to have sex with you. He's attempting to punish you for not doing what he wants. That's not okay.

This is true, and anybody ready to get married should not act like this.

OP does he at least recognize he’s being irrational?

Anonymous wrote:The red flag isn't that he wants you all to live together after 6 months, relationships unfold in many ways.

The red flag is his reaction to you telling him you aren't ready yet.

No matter how quickly or slowly a relationship unfolds the has to be respected for a partner's feelings, limits and boundaries. He's not showing you respect by pouting and refusing to have sex with you. He's attempting to punish you for not doing what he wants. That's not okay.

+1

How are things since you talked, OP? Any better? If he’s still freezing you out then this might not be the guy for you.

Anonymous wrote:The red flag isn't that he wants you all to live together after 6 months, relationships unfold in many ways.

The red flag is his reaction to you telling him you aren't ready yet.

No matter how quickly or slowly a relationship unfolds the has to be respected for a partner's feelings, limits and boundaries. He's not showing you respect by pouting and refusing to have sex with you. He's attempting to punish you for not doing what he wants. That's not okay.

+1

The red flag isn't that he wants you all to live together after 6 months, relationships unfold in many ways.

The red flag is his reaction to you telling him you aren't ready yet.

No matter how quickly or slowly a relationship unfolds the has to be respected for a partner's feelings, limits and boundaries. He's not showing you respect by pouting and refusing to have sex with you. He's attempting to punish you for not doing what he wants. That's not okay.

He sounds needy and immature.

If you’re looking for a sign that you should dump him, this is it. With big flashing letters.