Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I NT don’t think you missed the memo. You have to fit in with that crowd to begin with. They must likely know each other or are friends of friends through private school and frats and vacationing in the same places. It’s not like Jordyn from po dunk western PA is going to fit in with the hedge fund crowd that grew up in Darien.

if Jordyn goes to Swathmore or Amherst and makes friends and then moves to NYC or Boston or San Francisco, they will. Likewise, the UMC kid going to Rye Country day who flunks out of some random SEC school isn't going to be doing much mingling with young professionals for long unless his parents underwrite his existence

It’s a one way street for cute girls. A pretty girl with a pedigree college degree will be welcome. But she has to be hot.

Somebody mentioned race above and it reminded me of one of my favorite books on feminism: Mikki Kendal’s Hood Feminism. This is in the intro, just giving background about the author, but I love these quotes.

“ Feminism

“My grandmother would not have described herself as a feminist. Born in 1924, after white women won the right to vote, but raised in the height of Jim Crow America, she did not think of white women as allies or sisters. She held firmly to her belief in certain gender roles, and had no patience for debates over whether women should work when that conversation arose after World War II. She always worked, like her foremothers before her, and when my grandfather wanted her to stop working outside their home, and let him be the primary breadwinner, well, that seemed like the most logical thing in the world to her. Because she was tired, and working at home to care for their children was no different to her from working outside the home. To her mind, all women had to work. It was just a question of how much, and where you were doing it.”

And then a little later:


“She taught me that being able to survive, to take care of myself and those I loved, was arguably more important than being concerned with respectability. Feminism as defined by the priorities of white women hinged on the availability of cheap labor in the home from women of color. Going into a white woman’s kitchen did nothing to help other women. Those jobs had always been available, always paid poorly, always been dangerous. Freedom was not to be found in doing the same labor with a thin veneer of access to opportunities that would most likely never come. A better deal for white women could not be, would not be, the road to freedom for Black women.”

— Hood Feminism: Notes from the Women That a Movement Forgot by Mikki Kendall

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM mom to a high earner (whom I married when we were in college) but it was a total fluke. I dated lots of men who never had high earning potential and was even engaged to one of them.

I never wanted to be a SAHM but then health issues made working really hard for me, and DH never wanted to be a big law partner, but he found that the work really suits his abilities.

I am so glad I didn't try to marry for money. My husband is awesome.

I’m sorry you married a lawyer. Him being wealthy is hardly a shock. Most lawyers are in it for the money, let’s be real. You would have known early own if he was planning to be a hair shirt environmental or law enforcement lawyer, and I’m sure you would have bailed.

Being rich isn’t synonymous with having a “wonderful life.”

Once you make enough to pay your bills, buy food, and have a little extra for fun, anything beyond that doesn’t seem to matter much in terms of happiness. In fact, I think there are studies out there that people start to become less happy as income goes up substantially beyond what they need.

Anonymous wrote:I was the same way, OP. My friends and I would date pretty typical guys: engineers, teachers, project managers. Then suddenly they all started dating hedge fund dudes and lawyers and within a year they were engaged and whisked away into rich people life. I’ve since made new friends but it really did seem like they got a memo that I didn’t!

Ha to my family, marrying an engineer was marrying rich.

I simply couldn’t stand guys who weren’t smart. Smart men in STEM fields ten to do well enough financially. We’re not rich, but he out-earned me three times over.

Anonymous wrote:I NT don’t think you missed the memo. You have to fit in with that crowd to begin with. They must likely know each other or are friends of friends through private school and frats and vacationing in the same places. It’s not like Jordyn from po dunk western PA is going to fit in with the hedge fund crowd that grew up in Darien.

if Jordyn goes to Swathmore or Amherst and makes friends and then moves to NYC or Boston or San Francisco, they will. Likewise, the UMC kid going to Rye Country day who flunks out of some random SEC school isn't going to be doing much mingling with young professionals for long unless his parents underwrite his existence

I dated a couple of poor unmotivated guys. I didn’t find them that attractive. So I married a highly motivated well educated guy.

I NT don’t think you missed the memo. You have to fit in with that crowd to begin with. They must likely know each other or are friends of friends through private school and frats and vacationing in the same places. It’s not like Jordyn from po dunk western PA is going to fit in with the hedge fund crowd that grew up in Darien.

You're probably a troll, but I'll bite. I'm all for feminism and women supporting themselves. Always. That being said, if you're tying your life, time, and finances with someone, where you have a 50% of "losing" you should set your standards on a successful, rich man. I say this as someone who married poor, for love, and had nothing to show for it when I divorced. My friends who married rich get substantial child support, had a ton of fancy jewelry to sell, etc. so at least the trauma they went through was worth their time. I'll never marry again, personally, but if I knew someone close that was doing it, I'd point this out.

You should always be self-sufficient no matter how life turns out. But it's easier to deal with betrayal when you feel like you were cared for rather realize your time and love was worth nothing.

Being a feminist and marrying someone rich are not mutually exclusive.

Being self-sufficinent and marrying someone rich are not mutually exclusive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every woman I know, in my immediate family and friends has married someone who makes substantially more than her. As a result, many years in, she lives a wonderful life where she is financially better off even if she is not working or a SAHM.

It can't really be a coincidence that...everyone I know did this. I would have had no idea how to, as I never screened dates for how much money they made or something.

Whatever happed to feminism and self-sufficiency?

I am a self sufficient feminist and my husband also does quite well. The fact is that two sources of income are generally better than one. Most of the couples I know are like this.

Same here. I married the guy I met in my graduate program. We were both dirt poor at that time. We are in our early 40s now and while not really rich, I think we are doing more than fine with our combined ~500k income. I would be miserable as a SAHM plus I hate to be dependent, so I really do not feel like I am missing out by not marrying someone who could make the 500k himself.

Please tell me you go around saying you're "not really rich" because your HHI is only $500K in real life.

I don’t discuss my income with people in real life. When I said we are not rich, I meant in terms of wealth, which is how I would measure whether someone is rich. But I am fully aware that income wise we are doing extremely well, even in this area.

^^ I wouldn’t love him any less, ha.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you only know people like this? Maybe you need to broaden your social circle.

+1

Any rich people I know were together way before any money was made, and their parents are definitely not wealthy, either. They slogged along together for years, making sacrifices such as incredibly long commutes (two hours one way, each day, for years), old beater cheap cars, or tiny apartments, etc. - some people I know did all of that for years and years! No white kitchens, no big house additions, no fancy brand name of the moment cars, no private schools, none of that.

I think you need better friends, and better standards, OP. Ask yourself what you have done to better yourself? Are there better jobs, more hours, higher aspirations you should apply yourself to?

If you are a low drive person, you can't expect to have things handed to you, that is not how life works.

Ha this was us too. I was always a SAHM after having kids for various reasons, and as we finished school, paid off loans, saved for a down payment, etc., we lived in a 900 sq ft apartment, most of the time with just one bathroom, we had one cheap car that we still drive, I couponed and budgeted like crazy, etc. It wasn’t until a couple years ago, when DH was a fifth-year big law associate, that I bought makeup that wasn’t from the drugstore. I don’t think I’m some kind of superhero for doing this but it’s not like I married DH for the ease of a life of luxury with him. I do feel very blessed and I know I’m privileged, but if one day be decided he wanted to quit his job and find something that made a tenth of what he makes now I would love him any less.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every woman I know, in my immediate family and friends has married someone who makes substantially more than her. As a result, many years in, she lives a wonderful life where she is financially better off even if she is not working or a SAHM.

It can't really be a coincidence that...everyone I know did this. I would have had no idea how to, as I never screened dates for how much money they made or something.

Whatever happed to feminism and self-sufficiency?

I am a self sufficient feminist and my husband also does quite well. The fact is that two sources of income are generally better than one. Most of the couples I know are like this.

Same here. I married the guy I met in my graduate program. We were both dirt poor at that time. We are in our early 40s now and while not really rich, I think we are doing more than fine with our combined ~500k income. I would be miserable as a SAHM plus I hate to be dependent, so I really do not feel like I am missing out by not marrying someone who could make the 500k himself.

Please tell me you go around saying you're "not really rich" because your HHI is only $500K in real life.

Not anywhere near rich in the this area.