Anonymous
Post 07/20/2021 14:49     Subject: Re:How would you tell a friend , DC is showing signs
Anonymous wrote:I have a co-worker with kids the same age as mine. The kids have hung out at events together. We have talked about the kids and how very, very similar the kids are. This mom, jokingly mentioned how we could just switch kids and probably not notice that much. DS has an ADHD-inattentive diagnosis that this mom knows that we've been dealing with since DS was 6 or so. I've gently re-iterated several times how similar the boys are, the similar struggles in school, and behavior. I pretty much gave up trying to get her to see that her son needed to be tested when the school chose to hold her son back and she cried fowl and that she had no idea that he was going that bad. I asked about it and she just kept pointing the finger at the school, when her son had clearly been struggling. Now that her son has repeated a grade and has made the honor roll many times, she thinks he's ready to skip ahead. The kid still has the same struggles. The only real positive outcome is that she did concede that her son has to be handled a certain way to avoid complete meltdowns.


I have a similar friend and it wasn’t until her DS flunked 7th grade English, Math, etc for not handing in assignments that she acknowledged that there maybe a problem. He was finally taken for an evaluation and diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. My friend has a (science) PhD and has always acknowledged that her father is likely on the spectrum (he is an engineer) so I was surprised it took flunking 7th grade to acknowledge there are issues.
Anonymous
Post 07/20/2021 12:33     Subject: How would you tell a friend , DC is showing signs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DCUM always goes the MYOB route, because essentially people here value the relationship with the adult above the interest of the child. I don't. But then again, I'm a research scientist in that field, and know enough to identify cases that need evaluation. So I am gentle but direct. I've never lost a friendship over it. What usually happens is that parents think about it with an open mind, then realize assessments and therapies can be really expensive if they don't qualify for Child Find, and balk, then eventually do something. Some really wait until it's dire, some clue in more rapidly. Usually parents who are already managing the situation tell me about it in the course of the conversation. It's all very organic and natural, no hurt feelings.



We go the MYOB route because we are constantly the target of “well-meant” advice.


So, this simply wasn’t my experience. No family, no friends, or the pediatrician said anything to me... even reassured me he was fine, it was “just a speech delay.” Now at 4 he has an ASD diagnosis... and still, people are so awkward when I reference his difficulties. I would love to have the research lady as my friend!



But most people are not child development researchers (or the like). If I had a FRIEND who worked in this field and she mentioned a concern to me, I would be very thankful and RUN, not walk, to the pediatrician to get the ball rolling.

But regular, run of the mill friends? Thanks, but no thanks. That includes relatives, friends, teachers (disclaimer, a teacher can and should tell parents about “concerns,” but please don’t offer diagnoses).

Anonymous
Post 07/20/2021 12:29     Subject: Re:How would you tell a friend , DC is showing signs
I have a co-worker with kids the same age as mine. The kids have hung out at events together. We have talked about the kids and how very, very similar the kids are. This mom, jokingly mentioned how we could just switch kids and probably not notice that much. DS has an ADHD-inattentive diagnosis that this mom knows that we've been dealing with since DS was 6 or so. I've gently re-iterated several times how similar the boys are, the similar struggles in school, and behavior. I pretty much gave up trying to get her to see that her son needed to be tested when the school chose to hold her son back and she cried fowl and that she had no idea that he was going that bad. I asked about it and she just kept pointing the finger at the school, when her son had clearly been struggling. Now that her son has repeated a grade and has made the honor roll many times, she thinks he's ready to skip ahead. The kid still has the same struggles. The only real positive outcome is that she did concede that her son has to be handled a certain way to avoid complete meltdowns.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 22:30     Subject: How would you tell a friend , DC is showing signs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely perplexed as to why some of you have friends if you can't even offer an idea or suggestion to each other.
I suspect it's the stugma many of you have about disabilities and autism

The purpose of friendship is not to have a sounding board for your suggestions and ideas

Unless OP thinks her friend is incompetent and doesn’t take her kid to the pediatrician then there is nothing her advice is really going to do. Also early intervention is not that great. We had an evaluation through our county EI program and they said nothing was wrong with DC who was later diagnosed as being on the spectrum. Additionally, my DC’s diagnosis is their own personal information to share when they want. I don’t feel that it is my role to broadcast that to all of my friends.


Wtf? "Sounding board for your suggestions and ideas"?
How do you extrapolate that conclusion from what was written?

The idea is for friends to be able to offer suggestions and ideas that would be helpful to the other friend.
I've never had a close friend who didn't offer input and try to help navigate life's rough spots. You're missing out and one of the best parts of friendship.

You are assuming your suggestions (I’m assuming you aren’t a developmental pediatrician or something of the like) are helpful. Tons of posters have indicated that that likely is not the case.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 20:45     Subject: How would you tell a friend , DC is showing signs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely perplexed as to why some of you have friends if you can't even offer an idea or suggestion to each other.
I suspect it's the stugma many of you have about disabilities and autism

The purpose of friendship is not to have a sounding board for your suggestions and ideas

Unless OP thinks her friend is incompetent and doesn’t take her kid to the pediatrician then there is nothing her advice is really going to do. Also early intervention is not that great. We had an evaluation through our county EI program and they said nothing was wrong with DC who was later diagnosed as being on the spectrum. Additionally, my DC’s diagnosis is their own personal information to share when they want. I don’t feel that it is my role to broadcast that to all of my friends.


Wtf? "Sounding board for your suggestions and ideas"?
How do you extrapolate that conclusion from what was written?

The idea is for friends to be able to offer suggestions and ideas that would be helpful to the other friend.
I've never had a close friend who didn't offer input and try to help navigate life's rough spots. You're missing out and one of the best parts of friendship.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 19:45     Subject: How would you tell a friend , DC is showing signs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve noticed close friend DC is showing signs of delayed growth. To give examples, not speaking, constant tantrums, unable to follow direction or responds to name.

I feel extremely bad for friend and DC because I’d like for the to have some sort of early intervention with speech therapy.

I’m just not sure how to respectfully mention it.



If it's a close friend, suggest they have county infant toddler give evaluation. It includes, but is not limited to, speech therapy and it's free. Services and all. It really might include BT, OT but you can leave that part out.


What county are you in? Early Intervention (at least in Fairfax County) is NOT free unless you are low-income or they can work on a sliding scale depending on your income. We are working with EI now in Fairfax County and they are charging our insurance (we pay the co-pay, $55). The assessments and coordination is free, but not the therapy.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 19:34     Subject: How would you tell a friend , DC is showing signs
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would not. 13 years ago, I mentioned to a friend that she should have her son screened. She said to me “You don’t know little boys.” Although I have a handful of brothers and even more male first cousins. Sophomore year, her son failed most of his classes. They got him a daily tutor at $1000/week. He got Cs and Ds junior year. Last year, they decided he must have ADHD and finally started the testing process, but he refused to continue once he turned 18. He flunked two classes needed for graduation and refused to do summer school. He’ll be a 19 year old fifth year senior.
You must be so happy to have been correct to predict a problem over a decade prior.


No, it’s been frustrating all these years biting my tongue and now my heart is breaking for the whole family.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2021 18:42     Subject: Re:How would you tell a friend , DC is showing signs
One indicator to know whether to gently ask a benign question as an opening versus saying nothing at all is how often your friend has her child around other kids.

If she and her DC are at frequent gatherings, the playground, playdates, school classes, etc., she's going to notice the difference between her child and others. There would be little need to bring it up, and she has chosen to keep her thoughts and any addressing of issues to herself.

If on the other hand she is around few other children and basically only interacts with your child and hers, she may not be aware and you could try just gently leading into how her child is doing. If she doesn't respond with a conversation leading into sharing, follow her signal and leave it alone.