Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table. We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now.

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical. First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road. Second, nothing is given. You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it. Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on. Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street. That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids. I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision. DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.

You are taking my post way, way too personally. Go back and re-read what you wrote: "the reward comes in 30 years." Your phrasing, not mine. That's a fairly clear statement about how you view things now (hard, also in your words) vs. what you're looking towards. I see the reward as the years I'm living now, not what might happen in the future.

Also, very few parents of 3+ kids prioritize one on one time. Most of us who chose to have that many enjoy at least some aspects of the outnumbered dynamic. If you're always one on one, that's qualitatively different. Not bad, mind you, but different. You might want to think about why you're so defensive on this issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table. We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now.

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical. First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road. Second, nothing is given. You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it. Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on. Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street. That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids. I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision. DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.

DP but it's weird to have three kids so in 30 years you can have 1 or 2 meals with them. They may live in Europe, or not have kids, or be drug addicts etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are the threads that always scared the living daylights out of me pre-kids. While I do feel for those of you going through a rough time, I'm SO GLAD I didn't listen to most of you people. I believe you when you say your life is really hard with kids, but that's not a given - mine isn't and really has never been. I've done both the SAHM and working parent life and they both have challenges but the good vastly outweigh the bad for me. And no I don't have any family nearby for free help - though I do have a fantastic spouse and partner. I have many friends who feel the same as me, and for all the "no one tells you how hard it's going to be" talk we feel the opposite - THAT'S ALL YOU HEAR! So for other people reading: don't just assume life is going to super hard once you add kids - this is a very individual thing.

These comments were directed an OP who seems to already be struggling with just two kids. That doesn't mean our advice to reconsider having a third would be the same for others.

DP, and this. I have three and never felt so overwhelmed with two that I considered posting on an anonymous internet forum about it. And yes, generally if people are even close to overwhelmed with the amount of kids they have, I don't think having another is a good idea. That's why we stopped at three.

+1

We have a 3 yo and a 2 yo and another due very soon. But we've never struggled with two. We're stopping at 3. OP sounds like she should stop at 2, or at the very least wait until she feels like her life is manageable to start thinking about a third.

If you can't handle two, why would you ever consider a third!?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are the threads that always scared the living daylights out of me pre-kids. While I do feel for those of you going through a rough time, I'm SO GLAD I didn't listen to most of you people. I believe you when you say your life is really hard with kids, but that's not a given - mine isn't and really has never been. I've done both the SAHM and working parent life and they both have challenges but the good vastly outweigh the bad for me. And no I don't have any family nearby for free help - though I do have a fantastic spouse and partner. I have many friends who feel the same as me, and for all the "no one tells you how hard it's going to be" talk we feel the opposite - THAT'S ALL YOU HEAR! So for other people reading: don't just assume life is going to super hard once you add kids - this is a very individual thing.

These comments were directed an OP who seems to already be struggling with just two kids. That doesn't mean our advice to reconsider having a third would be the same for others.

DP, and this. I have three and never felt so overwhelmed with two that I considered posting on an anonymous internet forum about it. And yes, generally if people are even close to overwhelmed with the amount of kids they have, I don't think having another is a good idea. That's why we stopped at three.

Anonymous wrote:
I've been the working mom who wanted it to get easier - and whom everyone replied to as "it gets different, not easier." But I want you to know that it DOES get easier! Mine are 5 and 7. The pandemic was hard for a while with both kids home and DH and I working from home, but now things are opening up and my kids are both in camp in the morning. They play together so nicely in the afternoon when separated in the morning.

You do have a ways to go to get there, but it will honestly go faster than you expect. I no longer have to worry about a kid falling down the stairs, eating whatever off the ground, having an accident, etc. My kids can read and write and draw to entertain themselves. They make up plays, they build forts, they do so many interesting things together without my assistance. Before seeing your post, I was actually thinking how nice it is now.

You'll get there. It's hard, but it's possible.

Anonymous wrote:I have three in the 'bad' time. Ages almost 6, almost 4 and 18 months. We also work full time and have no family help. Closest grandparents are an 8 hour drive away.

I think the person who said it is your temperament and your kids temperament that matters most is on point. And your income TBH.

Our lives are not bad! Although I feel like we are at a point where in a year we will be in a much easier space than we are even now. But we were not struggling when it was the two of them. Especially when we had a nanny, which we had until last June. For me I think the things it comes down to are...

1) If you don't have family nearby, you do need robust and reliable childcare options. Reliable sitters and reliable nanny/daycare. When we had a nanny we had date night built into her salary, every other week she would stay late for a date night. That one night every other week was an important pressure valve for us through those really demanding early months and ensured we made time for each other and because it was the nanny the kids were great with it.

2) Become a psycho sleep person. We are chill people, but we're not chill about sleep. Kids aren't in our beds and they are on a steady reliable daily sleep schedule. We have never been reading books to a 2 year old at 2 am. There is no getting water at 5am. There is sleeping time and awake time and we drill this in from like, I mean we started soft pushing towards a schedule at like 4 weeks old (NOT sleep training then but like, getting them into a schedule then). My kids all slept through the night by 6 weeks with one wake up for a feeding, and slept through entirely by 6-9 months and went to a single nap at 12 months. We have orbited around sleep for almost 5 years, but it makes all of us happier.

3) We are very routine driven people naturally and that helps. Our days do not change very much. Our kids know what to expect. And we kind of have accepted that until our youngest gets to the point where she can occasionally skip naps, that its just less fun to go out and do stuff as a family, so we just don't. We set up our house to be fun and very very kid oriented.

4) I am putting this as 4 but it is IMO the most important one. You need an egalitarian marriage and distribution of work in the household. Or we did. My husband does every load of laundry in this house. Even mine. He did 50% of the night wake ups and feedings, he wakes up and does mornings every other day (and sleeps in the other every other days). he does 50% of the bedtimes. He is 110% capable of watching the kids and doing a triple bedtime if I want to go out with friends and I am capable of doing it so he can do his team sports once a week. We carry each other's burdens and we do it consciously, willingly, and with love.

5) We both have careers, but neither of us has a CAREER. No one needs to work until 11pm. Neither of us are ambitious. We have good paying jobs and we are both entirely satisfied with putting any type of career advancement on the back burner for a few years. And that is BOTH of us, neither of us expects the other to carry the bag while we go off otherwise fulfilled. But we are also present in our careers and both of us are well regarded and respected. And, due to number 4, if one of us does need to put more time into work for some reason, the other one is happy to step up for a bit. We're just not out there seeking promotions etc.

5) You gotta be a little go with the flow and you have to be ok with the chaos. My house is messy a lot. I try to keep up but I don't always keep up. Sometimes you have to not do something you want to do because a kid started puking, and not carry around anger about it. I'm ok with mac and cheese dinners once a week and not making my kids organic chickpea salads every night.

All that said, as I kind of alluded to earlier, every day is a little easier. When my youngest was 9-15 months I think that was the hardest time we went through. She was mobile and a loose cannon and the other two still so little. But literally every month is better as she gets more competent, can understand no, etc. We're about to say goodbye to bottles forever (woohoo!) and within a year I think we will be saying goodbye to diapers! Saying goodbye to formula was huge. We are in a position where every few months we get to offload some large 'baby' responsibility. Now they can all walk if we need them to! I think that when the youngest is like 2.5-3 we will be in a MUCH easier place, and every year after that!

I will say the one thing that really rings true is that it is harder to give them all the individual attention they need. My oldest I think in particular doesn't always get everything she needs from us and I've been trying to consciously put more time in with her. But they are also a little pack and love each other so much. We work hard on building a culture of how important family is, being there for each other, sticking up for each other, being a GOOD brother and a GOOD sister etc. And so there are pros and cons.

This is really long. I feel like the TL/DR is, if you can let go a bit and work hard to set up the infrastructure you need to feel supported and happy and healthy then three is doable. But if you can't, then stopping at 2 is fine!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are the threads that always scared the living daylights out of me pre-kids. While I do feel for those of you going through a rough time, I'm SO GLAD I didn't listen to most of you people. I believe you when you say your life is really hard with kids, but that's not a given - mine isn't and really has never been. I've done both the SAHM and working parent life and they both have challenges but the good vastly outweigh the bad for me. And no I don't have any family nearby for free help - though I do have a fantastic spouse and partner. I have many friends who feel the same as me, and for all the "no one tells you how hard it's going to be" talk we feel the opposite - THAT'S ALL YOU HEAR! So for other people reading: don't just assume life is going to super hard once you add kids - this is a very individual thing.

These comments were directed an OP who seems to already be struggling with just two kids. That doesn't mean our advice to reconsider having a third would be the same for others.

Anonymous wrote:These are the threads that always scared the living daylights out of me pre-kids. While I do feel for those of you going through a rough time, I'm SO GLAD I didn't listen to most of you people. I believe you when you say your life is really hard with kids, but that's not a given - mine isn't and really has never been. I've done both the SAHM and working parent life and they both have challenges but the good vastly outweigh the bad for me. And no I don't have any family nearby for free help - though I do have a fantastic spouse and partner. I have many friends who feel the same as me, and for all the "no one tells you how hard it's going to be" talk we feel the opposite - THAT'S ALL YOU HEAR! So for other people reading: don't just assume life is going to super hard once you add kids - this is a very individual thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table. We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now.

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical. First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road. Second, nothing is given. You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it. Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on. Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street. That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids. I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision. DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three in the 'bad' time. Ages almost 6, almost 4 and 18 months. We also work full time and have no family help. Closest grandparents are an 8 hour drive away.

I think the person who said it is your temperament and your kids temperament that matters most is on point. And your income TBH.

Our lives are not bad! Although I feel like we are at a point where in a year we will be in a much easier space than we are even now. But we were not struggling when it was the two of them. Especially when we had a nanny, which we had until last June. For me I think the things it comes down to are...

1) If you don't have family nearby, you do need robust and reliable childcare options. Reliable sitters and reliable nanny/daycare. When we had a nanny we had date night built into her salary, every other week she would stay late for a date night. That one night every other week was an important pressure valve for us through those really demanding early months and ensured we made time for each other and because it was the nanny the kids were great with it.

2) Become a psycho sleep person. We are chill people, but we're not chill about sleep. Kids aren't in our beds and they are on a steady reliable daily sleep schedule. We have never been reading books to a 2 year old at 2 am. There is no getting water at 5am. There is sleeping time and awake time and we drill this in from like, I mean we started soft pushing towards a schedule at like 4 weeks old (NOT sleep training then but like, getting them into a schedule then). My kids all slept through the night by 6 weeks with one wake up for a feeding, and slept through entirely by 6-9 months and went to a single nap at 12 months. We have orbited around sleep for almost 5 years, but it makes all of us happier.

3) We are very routine driven people naturally and that helps. Our days do not change very much. Our kids know what to expect. And we kind of have accepted that until our youngest gets to the point where she can occasionally skip naps, that its just less fun to go out and do stuff as a family, so we just don't. We set up our house to be fun and very very kid oriented.

4) I am putting this as 4 but it is IMO the most important one. You need an egalitarian marriage and distribution of work in the household. Or we did. My husband does every load of laundry in this house. Even mine. He did 50% of the night wake ups and feedings, he wakes up and does mornings every other day (and sleeps in the other every other days). he does 50% of the bedtimes. He is 110% capable of watching the kids and doing a triple bedtime if I want to go out with friends and I am capable of doing it so he can do his team sports once a week. We carry each other's burdens and we do it consciously, willingly, and with love.

5) We both have careers, but neither of us has a CAREER. No one needs to work until 11pm. Neither of us are ambitious. We have good paying jobs and we are both entirely satisfied with putting any type of career advancement on the back burner for a few years. And that is BOTH of us, neither of us expects the other to carry the bag while we go off otherwise fulfilled. But we are also present in our careers and both of us are well regarded and respected. And, due to number 4, if one of us does need to put more time into work for some reason, the other one is happy to step up for a bit. We're just not out there seeking promotions etc.

5) You gotta be a little go with the flow and you have to be ok with the chaos. My house is messy a lot. I try to keep up but I don't always keep up. Sometimes you have to not do something you want to do because a kid started puking, and not carry around anger about it. I'm ok with mac and cheese dinners once a week and not making my kids organic chickpea salads every night.

All that said, as I kind of alluded to earlier, every day is a little easier. When my youngest was 9-15 months I think that was the hardest time we went through. She was mobile and a loose cannon and the other two still so little. But literally every month is better as she gets more competent, can understand no, etc. We're about to say goodbye to bottles forever (woohoo!) and within a year I think we will be saying goodbye to diapers! Saying goodbye to formula was huge. We are in a position where every few months we get to offload some large 'baby' responsibility. Now they can all walk if we need them to! I think that when the youngest is like 2.5-3 we will be in a MUCH easier place, and every year after that!

I will say the one thing that really rings true is that it is harder to give them all the individual attention they need. My oldest I think in particular doesn't always get everything she needs from us and I've been trying to consciously put more time in with her. But they are also a little pack and love each other so much. We work hard on building a culture of how important family is, being there for each other, sticking up for each other, being a GOOD brother and a GOOD sister etc. And so there are pros and cons.

This is really long. I feel like the TL/DR is, if you can let go a bit and work hard to set up the infrastructure you need to feel supported and happy and healthy then three is doable. But if you can't, then stopping at 2 is fine!

I’m one of the moms of three above where youngest 1. This is so so good. I needed to read this. I wish we were friends in real life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It totally depends on your temperament and the temperament of your kids. If you are fine with chaos and not every kid getting to be in every activity (or you missing those activities) three is fine. If you have easy kids three is fine.

I have a low tolerance for chaos. I really wanted three though, so I'm a SAHM mom with a full time nanny and parents who live down the street. If we weren't able to have those things we probably would have stopped at one. I had to choose career or 3, because my DH works 70 hours a week and someone had to be home.

The way we look at it- it's hard but the reward comes in 30 years with a full thanksgiving or Christmas table. We want a big family to enjoy as we age and are putting in the work now.

DP who has three: I see the bolded reasoning a lot, and I think it’s completely illogical. First, you have to *get through* the time of having three kids: don’t make decisions based on a future that far down the road. Second, nothing is given. You have NO idea what the future holds, so don’t live for it. Finally, if you overextend yourself that much to raise the big family you always wanted, ignoring the reality of what it’s like to raise said family, there’s a decent chance you won’t have the kind of home life that makes adult kids want to spend that much time with their parents later on. Very few people can afford the resources of a SAH parent AND a full-time nanny AND grandparents down the street. That’s… not realistic for most.

We have three and love it and embrace the chaos and messiness that comes with raising three kids. I certainly hope we’ll all be close in 20+ years and for grandkids and all that, but I can’t fathom using such a long timeframe to drive this kind of decision. DH and I love having three kids *now* and look forward to *raising them*, not the time when they’ll be out of the house.

Wow you are reading a lot into my post that isn't there, and incredibly rude to boot. How is wanting my kids for Christmas or thanksgiving (not AND, OR, I'm realistic that they will have other things going on in their life) expecting my adult kids to spend a lot of time with me? I pity you that you don't think your kids will want to spend a holiday with you.

And where did I say we don't enjoy raising our kids? Absolutely nowhere. We love it, what WHY WE HAD THREE. I have a nanny because I prioritize spending a lot of one on one time with my kids, I'm never without a child. My husband devotes every second he isn't working to our kids.

I'm not saying you need to have these resources to have three, I'm saying for me, with my anxiety and OCD it would have been impossible to have three and a job, so I picked this version of life and I'm very happy with it.

Ask yourself why you're reading the worst possible motives into someone's else's anodyne post.