Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 11:34     Subject: DD’s butt pinched in the pool
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think DH did the right thing. You don't learn to stand for yourself if he ignores what you ask and stands up for you. All you learn is that your dad will ignore what you want and do what he wants in situations like this. The next time it happens she's way more likely not to tell you guys. I know because the way my dad ignored me when I was bullied as a kid meant that I never told him about the numerous time I was sexually assaulted. I never told anyone, because I couldn't trust how they'd react.

Have a conversation with her about her choices if something like this happens again, but they should be her choices, not yours.


All of this, especially the follow-up conversation. She was very clear about how she wanted her dad to react when she shared it with him. You think it empowers her to completely ignore how she wants this handled? No. That would send the message that her parents aren’t the ppl she can trust in her scariest moments. She did the right thing, dad did the right thing in honoring the response she wanted in that moment. Now you have a conversation as a family about how wrong their behavior was, how she was right to come to you, and other ways you all might handle this behavior in the future because it’s never ok for anyone to do that to her.


I agree with ths. I think it also opens up a great opportunity for your DH (both of you in fact) to talk with her about her response, his response in light of her request, and how he hopes her future boyfriends/spouse/etc will also support her and back her up. He can explain what he would have liked to have said/done but how he measured his response to her request to drop it. Knowing his response (would he have caused a scene or would he have addressed it quietly but firmly? Not knowing may have affected her call) may give her more empowerment going forward. He should also thank her for being confident enough to tell him. Keeping that line of communication/confidence open will be so go for them as she gets older. A followup talk will give all of you a chance to talk it out and show her that her parents have her back.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 10:53     Subject: DD’s butt pinched in the pool
I agree with PP above. Your daughter handled it well and good for her for telling her dad. That being said, woman and girls *are* socialized to not make a scene and I have a lot of shame for not saying something when I was groped once. I read a book about how a woman was raped but she couldn’t bring herself to yell for help because her mind kept trying to figure out how SHE let herself get in that position and wondered if somehow it was partly her fault (eg did she send mixed signals, etc). Role playing what can happen in situations and how you, your daughter, friend, etc would LIKE to react can help. Practicing yelling things like, “Get your hands off me” or “Stop!” can help be prepared when something takes us by surprise.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 10:40     Subject: DD’s butt pinched in the pool
Damn some people are judgmental in the comments. OP, I was molested repeatedly as a kid, I was the polite quiet kid, which made me the perfect victim. I can tell you this, your daughter wanted to be heard and supported, not defended in that moment. I wouldn't keep bringing this up, it'll reinforce that this incident is HUGE and reinforce the same or weirdness she might be dealing with. Let her be, and just make sure in your every day life that she feels safe with both of you and that she feels heard.

As women, we have to learn what battles we can win and which ones we cannot. She was outnumbered, she made the right call leaving the situation. If your husband did confront them, do we really know if they wouldn't all have pulled Chads and accused your daughter of lying? How healthy will that interaction be for her?

I think you all did the right thing in the moment. It was a new situation for everyone. I would not encourage you to keep talking about it, however, UNLESS she brings it up.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 10:05     Subject: Re:DD’s butt pinched in the pool
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would have gone off on those boys. F that! No way!

She did the right thing. I get why your H did nothing.

But as a 50 year old woman who has been sexually harassed since I was 12 I have learned to not let it go.



Without knowing who did it? There were several boys and according to OP's daughter there was only one pinch--which means you would be "gong off" on several innocent parties. If you "went off" on my kid who hadn't done anything wrong, I'd alert hotel security and hopefully they'd have you thrown out. You can't just go around screaming at random innocent strangers.


I’m sure the hotel would love the prospect of a review claiming an 11 year old was assaulted in the pool and then her family was thrown out for standing up for her. Of every possible outcome, throwing the girl’s family out of the hotel is the one most likely to result in hotel management being fired


Wow, so you're the type of person that likes to lie in yelp reviews to get your way?

"Going off" on an innocent party is not standing up for your daughter. Two wrongs don't make a right. And presumably, you are an adult who should know better.


both are factual claims. If I was thrown out after this, I would absolutely call the police to report the assault and let the boys deal with the inevitable interviews


"The boys" did not pinch her butt. One did. There are no "inevitable interviews" following something you weren't involved in.


Which one? Let’s have a talk with the group and find out. Let’s talk to the group about their group behavior - contributing to the assault. Let’s make it clear to each one of them that they were wrong to treat someone the way they did. You do agree they were wrong, right?

And if the parent of an 11 yr old girl is not involved in this situation, who is? Would you have the 11 yr old girl be the one to confront a group of older boys and their parents? Are you serious?
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 09:54     Subject: Re:DD’s butt pinched in the pool
Anonymous wrote:Your daughter needs to sign up for Juijitsu classes!!! Pronto!


Why? Would she have used those "juijitsu" skills on all the boys? That would end badly for her. If the pinch happened underwater, no one would have seen it--mostly likely not even cameras.
What people (and cameras) WOULD see is the girl suddenly attacking and using "juijitsu" unprovoked on a bunch of other people. SHE, not the boys, would be charged with assault.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 09:51     Subject: Re:DD’s butt pinched in the pool
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would have gone off on those boys. F that! No way!

She did the right thing. I get why your H did nothing.

But as a 50 year old woman who has been sexually harassed since I was 12 I have learned to not let it go.



Without knowing who did it? There were several boys and according to OP's daughter there was only one pinch--which means you would be "gong off" on several innocent parties. If you "went off" on my kid who hadn't done anything wrong, I'd alert hotel security and hopefully they'd have you thrown out. You can't just go around screaming at random innocent strangers.


I’m sure the hotel would love the prospect of a review claiming an 11 year old was assaulted in the pool and then her family was thrown out for standing up for her. Of every possible outcome, throwing the girl’s family out of the hotel is the one most likely to result in hotel management being fired


Wow, so you're the type of person that likes to lie in yelp reviews to get your way?

"Going off" on an innocent party is not standing up for your daughter. Two wrongs don't make a right. And presumably, you are an adult who should know better.


both are factual claims. If I was thrown out after this, I would absolutely call the police to report the assault and let the boys deal with the inevitable interviews


"The boys" did not pinch her butt. One did. There are no "inevitable interviews" following something you weren't involved in.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 09:50     Subject: Re:DD’s butt pinched in the pool
Your daughter needs to sign up for Juijitsu classes!!! Pronto!
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 09:49     Subject: DD’s butt pinched in the pool
Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for all of the responses. I don’t think my husband did anything wrong by going along with what dd wanted in the moment. He’s really torn up about it and feels conflicted that he didn’t say anything because he doesn’t want her to feel like the boys’ behavior was acceptable.

To clarify - dd was underwater and doing some sort of “trick” - flips or handstands - and surfaced and these boys had surrounded her. Dh said he did not see the actual incident but he hadn’t liked how the boys were acting in the pool earlier - roughhousing and there were a bunch of little kids in the pool. DD came over to him immediately after and they left shortly after that with her younger siblings (who dh had been watching closely while swimming).
They told me on the way to dinner which was pretty much as soon as I next saw them, and we talked a bit then and then significantly more after dinner.
We will reiterate to DD that she did nothing wrong and that the boys’ behavior is not ok. And continue to talk about how it’s important to call out such behavior and stand up for herself (and others) if it ever happens again.


Did your Dh say anything to the lifeguards/management about the dangerous roughhousing?
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 09:47     Subject: DD’s butt pinched in the pool
Gosh, I’m so sorry, OP. This is a great reminder to me that I need to keep an eye on my kids - they are 10 and good swimmers, so if course I know where they are at the pool, but I need to stay aware of who is around them.

I probably would have gotten very angry and yelled at the boys, drawn attention to them, shouted until management appeared, etc. my natural reaction - not the best necessarily. In theory, I would have had my husband go over, ask them where their parents are, do any of them have sisters? Would they allow their friend to pinch their sister? And asked bystander to get hotel help and or video. But my husband is MUCH less confrontational than I am so I don’t know what we would do. My DD and DS are same age so I want to continue training both of them if what to do in these situations, but good reminder the right thing is not always clear. Also, if there is hotel video, get security to track down the kids and give them a stern talking to even if actual police are not called - not sure hotel or security would agree to that.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 08:58     Subject: DD’s butt pinched in the pool
Anonymous wrote:When I was that age if a boy pinched my butt I'd have slugged him one. And I did.

But that aside, the experience is humiliating and no one gets to touch her like that, it is unacceptable.

me, too, actually, that happened to me as an adult and I slugged the guy. It happened to me several times as a teen, too.

In any case, I think OP's DD was not sure which boy did it. So, that's a hard one. I would've been livid and compelled to go up to the boys and demand to know who did it. However, I would also not want to further embarrass my DD, which I also felt when this happened to me as a teen. I would've spoken to her about it first right there and then, told her she did nothing wrong, and that the boy who did it should be called out. I don't know if DD (she's 13) would want to confront the boy or not.

That's super gross that they molested an 11 yr old.

I need to go have a chat with DD now.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 08:54     Subject: DD’s butt pinched in the pool
OP 100% wrong.

You should have spoke with the boys and hotel management.

Not acceptable at all.

Your poor daughter learn how to parent!
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 08:54     Subject: DD’s butt pinched in the pool
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your husband did the right thing, because he was following his daughter’s wishes. Your daughter’s trust in her dad is more important then yelling at a bunch of boys.


Nope he should teach her to stand up for herself. Obviously not alone that is dangerous.


My mom would do that — do and say whatever and to whoever she wanted to after I told her something.

So to all the moms saying the dad should have said something: you’re wrong, because the daughter said, “Dad, don’t say anything.”


You don’t say something when asked to keep
A confidence but you do say something when you need to learn to stand up
For yourself
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 08:42     Subject: DD’s butt pinched in the pool
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think DH did the right thing. You don't learn to stand for yourself if he ignores what you ask and stands up for you. All you learn is that your dad will ignore what you want and do what he wants in situations like this. The next time it happens she's way more likely not to tell you guys. I know because the way my dad ignored me when I was bullied as a kid meant that I never told him about the numerous time I was sexually assaulted. I never told anyone, because I couldn't trust how they'd react.

Have a conversation with her about her choices if something like this happens again, but they should be her choices, not yours.


All of this, especially the follow-up conversation. She was very clear about how she wanted her dad to react when she shared it with him. You think it empowers her to completely ignore how she wants this handled? No. That would send the message that her parents aren’t the ppl she can trust in her scariest moments. She did the right thing, dad did the right thing in honoring the response she wanted in that moment. Now you have a conversation as a family about how wrong their behavior was, how she was right to come to you, and other ways you all might handle this behavior in the future because it’s never ok for anyone to do that to her.


+2 This wasn't a situation to override your DD's request and your DH was right to honor it - yes, honor it. She had the courage and confidence to share the incident with him and he showed his respect for her by complying. Now is the time to have a discussion about it and how to move forward. Hugs.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 08:36     Subject: DD’s butt pinched in the pool
OP here - thank you for all of the responses. I don’t think my husband did anything wrong by going along with what dd wanted in the moment. He’s really torn up about it and feels conflicted that he didn’t say anything because he doesn’t want her to feel like the boys’ behavior was acceptable.

To clarify - dd was underwater and doing some sort of “trick” - flips or handstands - and surfaced and these boys had surrounded her. Dh said he did not see the actual incident but he hadn’t liked how the boys were acting in the pool earlier - roughhousing and there were a bunch of little kids in the pool. DD came over to him immediately after and they left shortly after that with her younger siblings (who dh had been watching closely while swimming).
They told me on the way to dinner which was pretty much as soon as I next saw them, and we talked a bit then and then significantly more after dinner.
We will reiterate to DD that she did nothing wrong and that the boys’ behavior is not ok. And continue to talk about how it’s important to call out such behavior and stand up for herself (and others) if it ever happens again.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2021 08:19     Subject: DD’s butt pinched in the pool
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your husband did the right thing, because he was following his daughter’s wishes. Your daughter’s trust in her dad is more important then yelling at a bunch of boys.[/quote

Nope he should teach her to stand up for herself. Obviously not alone that is dangerous.

Teach her to stand up for herself by ignoring what she explicitly said she wanted?