Anonymous
07/01/2021 23:06
Subject: Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.
Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.
However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.
This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.
They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.
Cousin sounds like a jerk, but you say “my parents have” (present tense) a house on the Cape. How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don’t own?
I guess technically OP cannot invite a cousin on the trip. However, if OP was my daughter she's no longer have access to the house with her attitude..
Anonymous
07/01/2021 23:06
Subject: Re:Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
OP, is she getting her own child ready for the beach and packing snacks for her own child?
Maybe next year instead of a group cooler just have individual snack coolers for your own family. Don't make it a group thing. You handle your own kids with sunblock and packing and snacks and groceries etc, and she can do whatever she wants. Go as far as labeling your food in the fridge if you want so you can be like "Susan? Did you drink my family's milk? If you need milk you need to buy your own, this milk is for my family, as clearly stated on the label". On her nights to make dinner, announce many times that it's her night to make dinner. Stop offering to get her stuff from the store like this year. Ask her loudly at 5pm if she plans on making dinner for everyone like you and friend have done the past 2 nights, since it is her turn. If she doesn't give a satisfactory answer, go out for dinner with just your friends family and if she tries to come, say "we are only going out because you refused to cook on your night to cook, so no, we'd rather do this on our own since we are all collectively irritated by you for not making dinner like you agreed to".
Maybe next year instead of a group cooler just have individual snack coolers for your own family. Don't make it a group thing. You handle your own kids with sunblock and packing and snacks and groceries etc, and she can do whatever she wants. Go as far as labeling your food in the fridge if you want so you can be like "Susan? Did you drink my family's milk? If you need milk you need to buy your own, this milk is for my family, as clearly stated on the label". On her nights to make dinner, announce many times that it's her night to make dinner. Stop offering to get her stuff from the store like this year. Ask her loudly at 5pm if she plans on making dinner for everyone like you and friend have done the past 2 nights, since it is her turn. If she doesn't give a satisfactory answer, go out for dinner with just your friends family and if she tries to come, say "we are only going out because you refused to cook on your night to cook, so no, we'd rather do this on our own since we are all collectively irritated by you for not making dinner like you agreed to".
Anonymous
07/01/2021 23:04
Subject: Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
I'd love to hear the cousin's side of the story.
Anonymous
07/01/2021 23:02
Subject: Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
Anonymous wrote:Just don't tell her when you'll be there, and don't involve her in the planning with your best friend.
When /if she finds out you went without her and asks why say "We go to be on vacation and you create more work for us since you won't pitch in with meals, cleaning, laundry or taking care of the kids. You make it harder, not easier."
If you feel like it'll weigh on you until next year and you want to say something now, just tell her "Hey, you know these vacations aren't working out anymore so next year we're going to switch things up and do our own thing. It's not fun when you're there, but on your own phone and you don't pull your own weight with making meals, doing your own laundry or taking care of the kids. This just isn't working anymore so we've reached the end of this tradition."
Anonymous
07/01/2021 23:00
Subject: Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
Anonymous wrote:Just don't tell her when you'll be there, and don't involve her in the planning with your best friend.
When /if she finds out you went without her and asks why say "We go to be on vacation and you create more work for us since you won't pitch in with meals, cleaning, laundry or taking care of the kids. You make it harder, not easier."
While she shouldn't make it harder. IT's not her job to make it easier.
Anonymous
07/01/2021 22:59
Subject: Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.
This. I'm curious to know how often OP and bestie are taking care of cousin's baby, Are they changing diapers and fixing bottles?
Good question but where is OP husband/kids dad and BF husband/dad. That's four adults/four kids and cousin is taking care of her kid
This a good question too. Apparently not on the triip if they are, they need to step up dealing with the kids.
Anonymous
07/01/2021 22:53
Subject: Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
Just don't tell her when you'll be there, and don't involve her in the planning with your best friend.
When /if she finds out you went without her and asks why say "We go to be on vacation and you create more work for us since you won't pitch in with meals, cleaning, laundry or taking care of the kids. You make it harder, not easier."
When /if she finds out you went without her and asks why say "We go to be on vacation and you create more work for us since you won't pitch in with meals, cleaning, laundry or taking care of the kids. You make it harder, not easier."
Anonymous
07/01/2021 22:51
Subject: Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.
This. I'm curious to know how often OP and bestie are taking care of cousin's baby, Are they changing diapers and fixing bottles?
Good question but where is OP husband/kids dad and BF husband/dad. That's four adults/four kids and cousin is taking care of her kid
Anonymous
07/01/2021 22:48
Subject: Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.
Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.
However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.
This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.
They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.
Is she the friggin maid?
As for the kids you take care of your own kids unless it's a safety issue or an emergency.
Don;t wash her clothes give them back to her, and tell her she needs to do her own.
You are not her mom she can be on her phone as much as she likes.
This, separate out her clothing and don't call her for dinner when you cook. If her kid doesn't drink milk, not her problem. Buy more milk early on.
Anonymous
07/01/2021 22:47
Subject: Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.
Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.
No just no.
You have 4 kids and 2 adults. You and BF can handle that and honestly the pair of you sound incredibly disorganized. You can't pin this part on your cousin.
You have some legit gripes such as putting her laundry in to be washed with yours or flaking out on dinner, but it's not her job to babysit your kids because you and BF can't figure out how to pack for the beach and put sunscreen on 4 kids.
Anonymous
07/01/2021 22:44
Subject: Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I need more details about the google spreadsheet and the cooking assignments. What happened when their meals came up on the schedule?
So BF and I filled out the dinners we were making and her nights remained blank. Day of, I said, ok what’s the plan. And she said I don’t know. Maybe we should grill? So I said great. DH was headed to the store so we added hotdogs and impossible burgers to the list. At 5pm she disappeared into her bedroom. We knocked and she said “out soon!” An hour before the kids’ bedtime we just fired up the grill and made dinner and set the table. Then she appeared to eat and then left again.
She sounds depressed or like something is going on. I'd be more concerned with that than disinviting her.
Anonymous
07/01/2021 22:41
Subject: Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.
Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.
Um, no, she’s not responsible for doing all that for other people’s kids. Sorry.
How far away does she live? I think you should just tell her you think it’s too crowded with all the kids and say, but we’d love you to come over and hang out a few times!
Do you really not help out kids who are related to you?
I was the childless aunt for a while. My older sister treated me like I was her au pair. I don’t take three tons of stuff when I go to the beach, and neither did my mom when we were kids. If she wants to set up a damn small town on the beach everyday, she can haul it herself. Not my job.
+1 I definitely get that vibe from OP.
Anonymous
07/01/2021 22:40
Subject: Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.
Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.
She is not responsible for your kids. Ignore her and just make food for you, BF and your kids and let her figure it out.
+1. Tell her straight up, “I packed X and Y for my family. If you want X and Y, go ahead and get what you need—we’ll wait.” [If she protests] “It’s every man for himself, since you’re not interested in sharing the adult responsibilities.”
Anonymous
07/01/2021 22:40
Subject: Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
Pretty sure they have grocery delivery on the Cape. Nobody needs to run to the store.
Plan better, have set snack times for the kids, and don't have them coincide with packing for the beach.
I don't know what you mean by rash, but say if she wants to leave her glass out and reuse it, you need to get over it.
Plan better, have set snack times for the kids, and don't have them coincide with packing for the beach.
I don't know what you mean by rash, but say if she wants to leave her glass out and reuse it, you need to get over it.
Anonymous
07/01/2021 22:40
Subject: Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.
Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.
Um, no, she’s not responsible for doing all that for other people’s kids. Sorry.
How far away does she live? I think you should just tell her you think it’s too crowded with all the kids and say, but we’d love you to come over and hang out a few times!
Do you really not help out kids who are related to you?
I was the childless aunt for a while. My older sister treated me like I was her au pair. I don’t take three tons of stuff when I go to the beach, and neither did my mom when we were kids. If she wants to set up a damn small town on the beach everyday, she can haul it herself. Not my job.