Anonymous wrote:In my experience, people who get these outpourings tend to friendly and nice, and also extroverted, and also really active on social media. I think it also helps to have a wide age crossrange of people to whom you are connected. Retirees, 20 somethings, middle aged people with teens who they want to do good deeds all have more capacity than dual employment couples with young kids.

For the person who would like the network you get with Church, but not Church. I think you can find a version of this in many hobbyist groups. I have it in an activist group I'm part of-few of the people are close friends but they would absolutely put together a meal train, give money, help out with tasks if I needed it enough to ask (which would be really hard for me). I even know people who have developed that sort of group through an exercise class. Part of it is just being active in your community so that you are a know person-even if you aren't friends with everyone.

Yes to the bolded. I am friendly and nice, but not on social media, and not extroverted. I have a good set of close friends who I could and would call in a crisis, and they would be there for me. But I think people know me as fiercely independent and a little private and for all those reasons probably no one who would jump up and pitch in without me asking. I would have to ask for it, and that's frankly the way I want it. But I do adore my friends, and regularly reach out to a small, close group privately for regular texts and calls, and it would never occur to me to "test" them by cutting off contact for a month or more to see who contacted me. I think a willingness and desire to do that reflects more on the person running the "test" than the friends who they are hoping will contact them.

My sister, OTOH, is very extroverted and very much on social media. I think if she were going through a publicly-known issue (and all of her issues are, through social media), she would have supportive messages, emojis, text message affirmations, and more meals than she'd know what to do with for about a week. And everyone who sent a meal or helped would get an over-the-top Instagram post about how awesome they are. And then it would peter out. Her DH is also the kind of person who never enters a room without leaving with a new friend and plans for lunch. He's the kind of guy whose barista and dry cleaner would show up at his funeral. It's not because he's "better" than me or anyone. Hell, baristas and dry cleaners probably don't want to be so close to every customer. But it's just who he is. It doesn't mean that my close circle of friends isn't good enough or there for me when I need them.

The PPs talking about how to make friends at all as an adult in a small, insular town are exploring a different question, IMO.

In my experience, people who get these outpourings tend to friendly and nice, and also extroverted, and also really active on social media. I think it also helps to have a wide age crossrange of people to whom you are connected. Retirees, 20 somethings, middle aged people with teens who they want to do good deeds all have more capacity than dual employment couples with young kids.

For the person who would like the network you get with Church, but not Church. I think you can find a version of this in many hobbyist groups. I have it in an activist group I'm part of-few of the people are close friends but they would absolutely put together a meal train, give money, help out with tasks if I needed it enough to ask (which would be really hard for me). I even know people who have developed that sort of group through an exercise class. Part of it is just being active in your community so that you are a know person-even if you aren't friends with everyone.

Anonymous wrote: I find it a tad annoying that people "get" these networks when they attend church.

What about us atheists? I am a good person and really crave the "church"-type of network.

What is annoying about it? We are regular church goers but it isn't where our community is, but we know other families for who it is. They participate in all the things that are church-based - attend the yearly carnival, volunteer on committees, attend bible studies, and so on. As a result, they know and interact with the same people again and again and they become friends or at least friendly.

Where are you deeply engaged such that you begin to build relationships? They don't have to be good friends, but a sense of community is about layers of friends and acquaintances. We set up a multi-week meal train in the middle of the pandemic for a neighbor dealing with the end stages of hospice for her mother while also caring for her elderly father. Even those who weren't good friends with her signed up, because they at least know of her as someone always showing up for neighborhood events, chatting while walking her dog and so on.

Some people have one-off or small groups of friends, but others also are more embedded in that "church-type" network as you put it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathise. I don't have a support network either. I am 53 years old and I have no one to call in a crisis.

My husband and I moved from a big city to a small town years ago and it is really difficult to form close friendships here.
We have acquaintances but our relationships with people here never progress from 'acquaintance' to 'friend'.

The relationships I have with people here feel very one-sided. Me initiating contact with others - not always with the desired result. It's hit and miss.
I did an experiment last year. I didn't contact anyone for 4 months. No one contacted me either ...

You need the skill of forming friendships.

PP here. How? Please tell me.

How do you explain the fact that I never had a friend problem in the city we moved from? This was a big, bustling, cosmopolitan city of a couple million people. Ethnically diverse too. I never found it hard to make friends or socialize there.

By contrast, the town where we live now is small, rural, very pretty, but it is hard to break into established friendship circles. It is not very ethnically or socially diverse. DH and I are Caucasian but we had friends, acquaintances and co-workers of different social backgrounds and ethnicity in the big city where we lived. Here everyone is lily white, mainly middle class and conservative. Just as a random example, there is no LGBT community here. Or there is, but it's well hidden.

Don't get me wrong. I love the town itself. It's very pretty to look at, it's clean and safe with very low crime rates. People are friendly, but reserved. The women I know here are friendly too, but they tend to focus on the friends they already had before we moved here.

Anonymous wrote:While the PPs aren't necessarily wrong, I think the idea that people have large support networks because they're kind/givers is a fallacy. I'm there for every friend when they're sick, pregnant, have a wedding, going through a divorce, depression, etc. Do you know who's there for me when I have surgery? One friend. It was awful.

On the other hand, my dad is a genuinely awesome guy, he's a stand up guy, but he's not necessarily a giver in this sense, he doesn't nurture and cultivate relationships, etc. Everyone loves him. When he went to the hospital for a surgery, even his dry-cleaner visited him.

It's sometimes about chemistry, sometimes about the environment, sometimes luck, it's not really something you can design and achieve IMHO.

This has been my experience too. It was heartbreaking and I felt so lonely. I thought we were building community. Our circle is much smaller now. I just do not have the energy to keep up with one sided relationships anymore.

Anonymous wrote:I find it a tad annoying that people "get" these networks when they attend church.

What about us atheists? I am a good person and really crave the "church"-type of network.

We did not get them at church.

Someone else mentioned this upthread but the people I know like this are friendly and outgoing. They reach out to people frequently and plan lots of events, meet ups, and call people they don’t often see regularly to catch up. They have a lot of energy for socializing and maintaining connections in addition to being charming and likable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathise. I don't have a support network either. I am 53 years old and I have no one to call in a crisis.

My husband and I moved from a big city to a small town years ago and it is really difficult to form close friendships here.
We have acquaintances but our relationships with people here never progress from 'acquaintance' to 'friend'.

The relationships I have with people here feel very one-sided. Me initiating contact with others - not always with the desired result. It's hit and miss.
I did an experiment last year. I didn't contact anyone for 4 months. No one contacted me either ...

You need the skill of forming friendships.

What do you think this poster needs to do that she may not be doing (serious question).

A good friend did the same experiment, but maybe only for a month and nobody contacted her. Nobody. I was shocked (and mortified that I hadn't contacted her, though in my defense I'd just had my first child). You'd never think it if you knew her though. She is many, many people's favorite person.

I have a lot of friends but I am usually the one who initiates - a lot of people don't have the bandwidth/personality/inclination to do this but they respond positively, are good listeners, etc. So I can totally see this happening to me if I went off the grid. Sometimes I consciously have to make the calculation whether a friendship is worth it to me, if I'm willing to make the effort to maintain it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, we had a lot of this outpouring (but not SM posts) when our daughter has brain cancer. Here is what I chalk it up to:

1. We live in a neighborhood that is pretty tight. But we have participated in that by hosting large potlucks, movie nights, etc. While we aren’t best friends with all the neighbors, they “know” us. When we had to call an ambulance, three different families sent someone over to help and I left one kid with them as we went to the hospital.

2. We belong to a church and attend a regular Sunday school. Church people tend to naturally show up for this kind of stuff.

3. My girlfriends from grad school are tight. We do annual trips. They love all over the country but sent stuff to us.

4. We have sometimes asked for help. My husband had surgery one day that there was a freak storm and school was canceled. I sent a message to like 5 empty nest neighbors asking if they could hang with the kids while I took my husband to and from surgery. Two or three of them then coordinated to make it happen.

5. I try to reciprocate. I’m not a natural giver but I do what I can. For example, the neighbor across the street cares at home for his wife with dementia. If I make extra of a meal, we send some over to him. He blows the pine straw off our driveway when he does his own.

Best wishes to your daughter. Do you live in the DMV? I’m here and it was eye opening to visit my cousin in Texas as she was going through a difficult time.

Yep, it is regional. I am in TX and this is par for the course. Would never happen when I lived in Boston, DC, Miami or SF. Super different culture. Meal trains for 20 meals is very normal. That would be only if your spouse or child passed away in the DMV.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathise. I don't have a support network either. I am 53 years old and I have no one to call in a crisis.

My husband and I moved from a big city to a small town years ago and it is really difficult to form close friendships here.
We have acquaintances but our relationships with people here never progress from 'acquaintance' to 'friend'.

The relationships I have with people here feel very one-sided. Me initiating contact with others - not always with the desired result. It's hit and miss.
I did an experiment last year. I didn't contact anyone for 4 months. No one contacted me either ...

You need the skill of forming friendships.

What do you think this poster needs to do that she may not be doing (serious question).

A good friend did the same experiment, but maybe only for a month and nobody contacted her. Nobody. I was shocked (and mortified that I hadn't contacted her, though in my defense I'd just had my first child). You'd never think it if you knew her though. She is many, many people's favorite person.

Anonymous wrote:I am like your sister OP. I’ve also struggled privately in unimaginable ways with loss. Grass isn’t always greener 💝

Very true. I am very empathetic and helpful because I have had some very dark times. Nothing I did, just what life handed me.

Anonymous wrote:My sister has a huge network of people who care about her - close friends, work friends, neighbors, etc. she recently underwent surgery and it was literally like the queen had died. Friends inundated her with meals, flowers, calls, social media posts. It was heart-warming but I would be lying if I said it didn't make me feel bad. I just do not have this kind of support in my life. And I am wondering how one goes about acquiring it? Maybe that is a silly question and if I don't know, I will never know? But I am curious. How do some people have such large "support" bases??

I have a lot of friends. I also highly prioritize friends because I do not have a great family. Someone with a great family probably doesn't care as much. I am pretty selfless with friends, not judgmental, self deprecating, stay in contact, invite people to join in when they are left out, inclusive to a fault.. It's not necessarily all it's cracked up to be. I think if I had a stronger family I wouldn't have to do that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathise. I don't have a support network either. I am 53 years old and I have no one to call in a crisis.

My husband and I moved from a big city to a small town years ago and it is really difficult to form close friendships here.
We have acquaintances but our relationships with people here never progress from 'acquaintance' to 'friend'.

The relationships I have with people here feel very one-sided. Me initiating contact with others - not always with the desired result. It's hit and miss.
I did an experiment last year. I didn't contact anyone for 4 months. No one contacted me either ...

You need the skill of forming friendships.

What do you think this poster needs to do that she may not be doing (serious question).

I know my 3-5 friends who check on me when I’m in a bad way are doing it simply because they like me. And they do it privately— it’s not a show. In the end, I’ve come to appreciate that a lot more.

+1. PP entire post was valuable. In my observation, the first ones to bring meals over are usually those who don't do good unless others are watching. And they do it for show. True support isn't about meals (and who needs meals brought over? Why is this a thing?) I need neighbors who think well of each other. I need neighbors who respect the privacy of each other while seeing the value of keeping a simple confidence.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathise. I don't have a support network either. I am 53 years old and I have no one to call in a crisis.

My husband and I moved from a big city to a small town years ago and it is really difficult to form close friendships here.
We have acquaintances but our relationships with people here never progress from 'acquaintance' to 'friend'.

The relationships I have with people here feel very one-sided. Me initiating contact with others - not always with the desired result. It's hit and miss.
I did an experiment last year. I didn't contact anyone for 4 months. No one contacted me either ...

You need the skill of forming friendships.