Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he does drink too much and too often and should cut back for health reasons.

OP did see a problem before. She just felt sensitive that other people see the problem as well.

Anonymous wrote:And once he gets married, his drinking is likely to double or even triple.

Anonymous wrote:I think he does drink too much and too often and should cut back for health reasons.

Anonymous wrote:I can see both sides. My family and my inlaws don't drink. And so they think someone drinking "omg half a bottle!" of wine to be a huge deal, when really it's just 2 glasses. Their lack of alcohol makes holidays feel un-celebratory sometimes. Like no champagne on NYE, no margarita/beer/rose on the 4th of July and no wine with a lovely Christmas dinner. I don't drink to excess but it's kind of boring. Some people also drink a bit more to put up with inlaws (or in your case, future inlaws).

But I will say that drinking goes way up when you have kids and a million stressors in your 30s. It's hard to imagine when you're single and live in apartments how much stress there is. I would watch your boyfriend and stop going to events with drinking. Can he deal with it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok well I feel like my takeaway from this is totally different from other posters, perhaps because of my family.

But OP, you have been dating this guy for three years and sounds like you think you would marry him. Your parents sat you down to have a 'serious talk' about your SO. But here's the thing, when you get married, you and your SO are on a team. And they become your primary nuclear family. And you can't allow anyone to be able to poison you against one another.

Relevant things about your boyfriend:

1) You didn't think anything was wrong before
2) Even upon examination, you can't think of any event where he mistreated you because of his drinking, you can't think of him making poor decisions because of his drinking
3) In his 20s, which I think probably is not that long ago?, he quit for years with no issue
4) You acknowledge that you instigate many of the drinking events ie happy hours and brunch
5) It is VERY normal to be drunk at a sporting event and have a few drinks at an extended dinner, especially if you were not in the know about the family

Relevant things about you and your parents
1) Your parents bring up a criticism and your takeaway is not to wonder if there is a problem, but to accept that there is a problem and move towards fixing it
2) Your parents are citing behavior at two events, one of which is a dinner the THIRD time they met him but you have been dating for three years, so I assume this was a long time ago. So your parents are keeping some serious score here

If you are considering ending this relationship, I think you should, but not because of your boyfriends drinking. But because you are showing you are the kind of person where a little whisper in your ear about something sprouts legs where there were none, and causes you to doubt him and yourself so dramatically.

If you want to drink less, do dry January (or dry July), and sure talk to your BF about this and be like, 'man do you think we have an issue?' But make it something that the two of you discuss together, not something where your parents gave you a disapproving word and suddenly you're rethinking your entire life plan.

I drank a lot in my 20s, now I'm 36 and have three kids and hardly drink at all. The phase of life you are in right now, is a heavy drinking phase. Young, childless, partying etc. I think I would cut him some slack, cut your parents a lot less slack and tell them to MYOB, and do a serious self examination about why the word of outsiders is, for some reason, more powerful than your own opinion on your choice of life partner.

Oh I forgot the most important relevant thing about your parents

3) They don't drink at all and clearly think drinking is VERY bad/dangerous and so are more likely to have an outsized reaction to it and be unable to judge 'normal' drinking than other people

Also, based on your follow up above that I just read, did they talk to YOU about your issues in college?

Thank you. This is truly helpful.

No, they did not, they were and still aren’t aware.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok well I feel like my takeaway from this is totally different from other posters, perhaps because of my family.

But OP, you have been dating this guy for three years and sounds like you think you would marry him. Your parents sat you down to have a 'serious talk' about your SO. But here's the thing, when you get married, you and your SO are on a team. And they become your primary nuclear family. And you can't allow anyone to be able to poison you against one another.

Relevant things about your boyfriend:

1) You didn't think anything was wrong before
2) Even upon examination, you can't think of any event where he mistreated you because of his drinking, you can't think of him making poor decisions because of his drinking
3) In his 20s, which I think probably is not that long ago?, he quit for years with no issue
4) You acknowledge that you instigate many of the drinking events ie happy hours and brunch
5) It is VERY normal to be drunk at a sporting event and have a few drinks at an extended dinner, especially if you were not in the know about the family

Relevant things about you and your parents
1) Your parents bring up a criticism and your takeaway is not to wonder if there is a problem, but to accept that there is a problem and move towards fixing it
2) Your parents are citing behavior at two events, one of which is a dinner the THIRD time they met him but you have been dating for three years, so I assume this was a long time ago. So your parents are keeping some serious score here

If you are considering ending this relationship, I think you should, but not because of your boyfriends drinking. But because you are showing you are the kind of person where a little whisper in your ear about something sprouts legs where there were none, and causes you to doubt him and yourself so dramatically.

If you want to drink less, do dry January (or dry July), and sure talk to your BF about this and be like, 'man do you think we have an issue?' But make it something that the two of you discuss together, not something where your parents gave you a disapproving word and suddenly you're rethinking your entire life plan.

I drank a lot in my 20s, now I'm 36 and have three kids and hardly drink at all. The phase of life you are in right now, is a heavy drinking phase. Young, childless, partying etc. I think I would cut him some slack, cut your parents a lot less slack and tell them to MYOB, and do a serious self examination about why the word of outsiders is, for some reason, more powerful than your own opinion on your choice of life partner.

Oh I forgot the most important relevant thing about your parents

3) They don't drink at all and clearly think drinking is VERY bad/dangerous and so are more likely to have an outsized reaction to it and be unable to judge 'normal' drinking than other people

Also, based on your follow up above that I just read, did they talk to YOU about your issues in college?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.

I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.

You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.

I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.

You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.

Are you OP? Because you need to examine your own drinking and thinking about drinking if you think this.

OP that was not me!

To be honest, I had a Come to Jesus moment with my own drinking several years back. I went to a party school but unfortunately let that continue on post college. It was affecting my health and my relationships (I also had unresolved mental health issues and was self medicating). Luckily, I was able to significantly cut back and feel happier and healthier today.