Anonymous wrote:My expectations would be:

No open food in the bedroom, for pest control reasons

And when you leave in August, I expect that you leave it how you found it

Exactly this

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol to the idea that telling an adult family member that you want to dust/vacuum the room he lives in at least, say, once a month is “nagging”.

He’s an adult. OP is an adult. This is a shared home. Absolutely nothing wrong with asking him to clean up his room well enough for some light cleaning (which he should do himself but I personally would compromise on that). If his response is to ignore or complain, good time to remind him that he’s 20 and that future roommates, friends, and spouses will be extremely turned off by that kind of behavior.

Nagging? Grow up.

There is not one family psychologist that recommends micromanaging your child’s room.

OP is not talking about a common area which is different. But a bedroom…. Really!

Seriously you guys need some therapy if you need to control your 20 year old child’s bedroom.

It's not controlling to say it needs to be vacuumed and dusted at least a couple times over the course of the summer. It's not "micromanaging" to expect a fellow adult to show some minimal level of responsibility for their space. I think it's gross to let a room go three months without being dusted or vacuumed, especially if it spends that time covered in dirty clothes and sports equipment (which -- is that getting cleaned before being thrown on the floor? that room is going to stink). That's asking for a baseline level of personal responsibility while sharing a home with someone else.

I'll put it this way. I'm in my 40s, and if my parents come to stay for an extended period, I expect to be able to run the vacuum and wipe down surfaces in their room. It's not nagging for me to say "Hey mom, I was going to vacuum and dust your room today, just FYI" and then expect her to put things away and make space for that activity as necessary. She would think nothing of this. So why is it any different with OP and her son? The people saying no, just close the door and don't mention it are treating this kid in some special way that no other adult gets treated.

Anonymous wrote:OP..no there is no food there. That has been a house rule forever. Yes there is easily accessable attic for extra room. Really torn between just enjoying the summer with him and being appalled with his living choice.

Just enjoy your child.

He’s not going to be an absent father and terrible H because his room is not clean in the summers.

If he keeps food out, no bugs, and the rest of the house respectively picked up.., let it go.

Anonymous wrote:Lol to the idea that telling an adult family member that you want to dust/vacuum the room he lives in at least, say, once a month is “nagging”.

He’s an adult. OP is an adult. This is a shared home. Absolutely nothing wrong with asking him to clean up his room well enough for some light cleaning (which he should do himself but I personally would compromise on that). If his response is to ignore or complain, good time to remind him that he’s 20 and that future roommates, friends, and spouses will be extremely turned off by that kind of behavior.

Nagging? Grow up.

There is not one family psychologist that recommends micromanaging your child’s room.

OP is not talking about a common area which is different. But a bedroom…. Really!

Seriously you guys need some therapy if you need to control your 20 year old child’s bedroom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has a responsibility to his community, which is the people in your household, to meet their common expectations. I think you need to have a family meeting with all the members of your community, meaning your household, to discuss the most basic expectations you have for each other.

A lot of times when I suggest a family meeting to parents of kids I work with, the parents are scared that the expectation list or ground rules will be minimal. I think you (and your college son) will be surprised about what the other kids in your family have to say about their minimum expectations for their brother.

You sound like you either don't have college students or have never had a problem. He could be SO much worse. The same could be said for messy college girls that are doing all of the things in life that have a long-lasting impact.. Such as go to school, have a summer job, and an internship. Further, wherever he went, he probably was not drunk or doing drugs because he sat and talked with his mom for 2 hours. Unless a lot is left out he seems like a good kid who is messy. Is that worth laying the law down? not to me but I guess have a cleanroom is of much higher importance to the parents. I focus on things that can not be easily fixed.

Perhaps you should consider that we have never had a problem because we have regular family meetings to discuss the minutiae as well as major events. We have 5 kids who are in college or recently graduated btw.

Translation: I micromanage the sh*t out of my kids.

Family meetings FFS.

Where do your kids go to school, dear? Are they happy? Mine are all at Top 20, loving life and at the top of their game. Let me know if you want more advice. I've got it.

In fact here is one tidbit now: never bet against someone who holds a winning hand.

D1 athletes at Top 20 schools, one is an all American, another is Captain, Other is Engineeting.

Check mate

Doubtful. Even I can see through this one. DP.

LOL. "Captain"!!!!!! "Other is Engineeting." (sic) !!!!!

I don’t normally resort to your childish elitist competition but you only speak tgat languages and it’s true.

Also you sound like a nightmare.

Lol to the idea that telling an adult family member that you want to dust/vacuum the room he lives in at least, say, once a month is “nagging”.

He’s an adult. OP is an adult. This is a shared home. Absolutely nothing wrong with asking him to clean up his room well enough for some light cleaning (which he should do himself but I personally would compromise on that). If his response is to ignore or complain, good time to remind him that he’s 20 and that future roommates, friends, and spouses will be extremely turned off by that kind of behavior.

Nagging? Grow up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has a responsibility to his community, which is the people in your household, to meet their common expectations. I think you need to have a family meeting with all the members of your community, meaning your household, to discuss the most basic expectations you have for each other.

A lot of times when I suggest a family meeting to parents of kids I work with, the parents are scared that the expectation list or ground rules will be minimal. I think you (and your college son) will be surprised about what the other kids in your family have to say about their minimum expectations for their brother.

You sound like you either don't have college students or have never had a problem. He could be SO much worse. The same could be said for messy college girls that are doing all of the things in life that have a long-lasting impact.. Such as go to school, have a summer job, and an internship. Further, wherever he went, he probably was not drunk or doing drugs because he sat and talked with his mom for 2 hours. Unless a lot is left out he seems like a good kid who is messy. Is that worth laying the law down? not to me but I guess have a cleanroom is of much higher importance to the parents. I focus on things that can not be easily fixed.

Perhaps you should consider that we have never had a problem because we have regular family meetings to discuss the minutiae as well as major events. We have 5 kids who are in college or recently graduated btw.

Translation: I micromanage the sh*t out of my kids.

Family meetings FFS.

Where do your kids go to school, dear? Are they happy? Mine are all at Top 20, loving life and at the top of their game. Let me know if you want more advice. I've got it.

In fact here is one tidbit now: never bet against someone who holds a winning hand.

D1 athletes at Top 20 schools, one is an all American, another is Captain, Other is Engineeting.

Check mate

Doubtful. Even I can see through this one. DP.

LOL. "Captain"!!!!!! "Other is Engineeting." (sic) !!!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has a responsibility to his community, which is the people in your household, to meet their common expectations. I think you need to have a family meeting with all the members of your community, meaning your household, to discuss the most basic expectations you have for each other.

A lot of times when I suggest a family meeting to parents of kids I work with, the parents are scared that the expectation list or ground rules will be minimal. I think you (and your college son) will be surprised about what the other kids in your family have to say about their minimum expectations for their brother.

You sound like you either don't have college students or have never had a problem. He could be SO much worse. The same could be said for messy college girls that are doing all of the things in life that have a long-lasting impact.. Such as go to school, have a summer job, and an internship. Further, wherever he went, he probably was not drunk or doing drugs because he sat and talked with his mom for 2 hours. Unless a lot is left out he seems like a good kid who is messy. Is that worth laying the law down? not to me but I guess have a cleanroom is of much higher importance to the parents. I focus on things that can not be easily fixed.

Perhaps you should consider that we have never had a problem because we have regular family meetings to discuss the minutiae as well as major events. We have 5 kids who are in college or recently graduated btw.

Translation: I micromanage the sh*t out of my kids.

Family meetings FFS.

Where do your kids go to school, dear? Are they happy? Mine are all at Top 20, loving life and at the top of their game. Let me know if you want more advice. I've got it.

In fact here is one tidbit now: never bet against someone who holds a winning hand.

D1 athletes at Top 20 schools, one is an all American, another is Captain, Other is Engineeting.

Check mate

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has a responsibility to his community, which is the people in your household, to meet their common expectations. I think you need to have a family meeting with all the members of your community, meaning your household, to discuss the most basic expectations you have for each other.

A lot of times when I suggest a family meeting to parents of kids I work with, the parents are scared that the expectation list or ground rules will be minimal. I think you (and your college son) will be surprised about what the other kids in your family have to say about their minimum expectations for their brother.

You sound like you either don't have college students or have never had a problem. He could be SO much worse. The same could be said for messy college girls that are doing all of the things in life that have a long-lasting impact.. Such as go to school, have a summer job, and an internship. Further, wherever he went, he probably was not drunk or doing drugs because he sat and talked with his mom for 2 hours. Unless a lot is left out he seems like a good kid who is messy. Is that worth laying the law down? not to me but I guess have a cleanroom is of much higher importance to the parents. I focus on things that can not be easily fixed.

Perhaps you should consider that we have never had a problem because we have regular family meetings to discuss the minutiae as well as major events. We have 5 kids who are in college or recently graduated btw.

Translation: I micromanage the sh*t out of my kids.

Family meetings FFS.

Where do your kids go to school, dear? Are they happy? Mine are all at Top 20, loving life and at the top of their game. Let me know if you want more advice. I've got it.

In fact here is one tidbit now: never bet against someone who holds a winning hand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has a responsibility to his community, which is the people in your household, to meet their common expectations. I think you need to have a family meeting with all the members of your community, meaning your household, to discuss the most basic expectations you have for each other.

A lot of times when I suggest a family meeting to parents of kids I work with, the parents are scared that the expectation list or ground rules will be minimal. I think you (and your college son) will be surprised about what the other kids in your family have to say about their minimum expectations for their brother.

You sound like you either don't have college students or have never had a problem. He could be SO much worse. The same could be said for messy college girls that are doing all of the things in life that have a long-lasting impact.. Such as go to school, have a summer job, and an internship. Further, wherever he went, he probably was not drunk or doing drugs because he sat and talked with his mom for 2 hours. Unless a lot is left out he seems like a good kid who is messy. Is that worth laying the law down? not to me but I guess have a cleanroom is of much higher importance to the parents. I focus on things that can not be easily fixed.

Perhaps you should consider that we have never had a problem because we have regular family meetings to discuss the minutiae as well as major events. We have 5 kids who are in college or recently graduated btw.

Translation: I micromanage the sh*t out of my kids.

Family meetings FFS.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a nag and he probably can’t wait to get away from 1/2 of you for the rest of his life.

How does she sound like a nag? Sounds like she has said nothing so far.

OP again..No way anyone can call me a nag. You can call me a push over if you need to be snarky! DS and I get along great aside from this issue.

You said in your 1st post 1/2 if you wants to nag him and 1/2 of you doesn’t.

The 1/2 that wants to nag, if it wins out, will push your kid away… far far away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has a responsibility to his community, which is the people in your household, to meet their common expectations. I think you need to have a family meeting with all the members of your community, meaning your household, to discuss the most basic expectations you have for each other.

A lot of times when I suggest a family meeting to parents of kids I work with, the parents are scared that the expectation list or ground rules will be minimal. I think you (and your college son) will be surprised about what the other kids in your family have to say about their minimum expectations for their brother.

You sound like you either don't have college students or have never had a problem. He could be SO much worse. The same could be said for messy college girls that are doing all of the things in life that have a long-lasting impact.. Such as go to school, have a summer job, and an internship. Further, wherever he went, he probably was not drunk or doing drugs because he sat and talked with his mom for 2 hours. Unless a lot is left out he seems like a good kid who is messy. Is that worth laying the law down? not to me but I guess have a cleanroom is of much higher importance to the parents. I focus on things that can not be easily fixed.

Perhaps you should consider that we have never had a problem because we have regular family meetings to discuss the minutiae as well as major events. We have 5 kids who are in college or recently graduated btw.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for his future wife.

How do you know he’s getting married to a woman?

Right? And who the hell is still raising girls to feel like they have to pick up after boys? I thought we discontinued that model.

Anyway, OP, shut the door and count your blessings.

My 21 yr old DS has a room like that, currently. He shares in household chores, more or less (we have a cleaning lady so chores are more less things like tidy after yourself, load dishwasher, take out garbage). He drives his younger brother whenever I ask and he's available (not working). He always lets us know where he is and when he's coming home, as a courtesy. But his room is covered in junk. I just close the door. Interestingly, his apartment in college is pretty clean, and he complains about his roommates not cleaning or tidying enough. So I think it's just what they do when they're home, for whatever reason. It doesn't bother them in their rooms because the rest of the house is always tidy and clean. It doesn't bother me as long as it's only messy and not dirty.

OP, let it go as long as it's not truly dirty and he's contributing to general upkeep everywhere else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a nag and he probably can’t wait to get away from 1/2 of you for the rest of his life.

How does she sound like a nag? Sounds like she has said nothing so far.

OP again..No way anyone can call me a nag. You can call me a push over if you need to be snarky! DS and I get along great aside from this issue.