my son got a phone in middle school but specifically because he started to take the city bus home from school and needed it to check the schedule + i wanted him to be able to call me if he got stuck, etc. he did not use it for social media at that point.

Anonymous wrote:In an average day, we see usage time something like this:

Games & Youtube / 65%
Chat and Social with friends / 34.99%
"Essential" family communications (rides, pickup/dropoff, etc). 0.01%

And this clearly illustrates why most kids would survive just fine without a phone until well into middle school. But give it a year or two, and the average will be 4th grade for getting a phone.

I got my son a phone right before 8th grade when he actually needed it. He was going to be walking from school to tutoring and I wanted to be able to get in touch with him. In 7th grade, he told me everyone except him and one other kid had a phone. I asked his teachers during parent-teacher conferences and they verified this. I teach in ES and most kids have them by 6th grade.

I am struggling with this as my son is about to start 6th grade and will be across town on his own and it would be great to be able to communicate with him about whether he got himself to practice, where he's headed, what may have changed about pick up.
On the other hand, I think it's a great life skill (and one that people seem to have less and less due to smart phones and the ability to immediately change plans) to be able to make a plan for the day and stick to it (ie, ill meet you here at this time, etc).

When I was a kid, everyone just called each others land lines. I was talking on the phone with friends and making plans regularly by 4th/5th grade this way. In a sense i miss that entry point for elementary kids because its a low-stakes safe way to practice independence.

Due to the pandemic, my kids now have the ability to message friends via their computers and they seem to like that, but we still have very strict screen time rules. Laptops live downstairs and are locked down hardcore with parental controls.

My son has asked for a phone but hasn't pushed it hard (though I'm anticipating this will change when he starts middle school in the fall and is in person amongst peers with phones.) I may set some goals and if he meets them then maybe he can earn a phone for 7th. We'll see.

My answer when my kids ask for a phone isn't a magical number or grade, but rather, "you'll get a phone when you need a phone".

I imagine it will be pretty clear to me as a parent when that time comes and we will go from there.

In an average day, we see usage time something like this:

Games & Youtube / 65%
Chat and Social with friends / 34.99%
"Essential" family communications (rides, pickup/dropoff, etc). 0.01%

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son (6th) has one. We have Qustodio, and it is helpful in ensuring that he doesn't spend execssive time messing around on it. Some is ok, tons is not.

There have also been no issues with inappropriate or excessive texts. We did have to work a little on appropriate time to use for texting (he has trouble sleeping) so as not to bother friends, but that has been worked out.

Why does he have his phone with him at night??

We do not allow phones in bedrooms for teens. Since they got them in middle school, they get plugged into charger on kitchen counter and stay there through the night.

Bedrooms overnight is what I meant,,,,or in bedroom (where they work) during virtual school.

Anonymous wrote:My son (6th) has one. We have Qustodio, and it is helpful in ensuring that he doesn't spend execssive time messing around on it. Some is ok, tons is not.

There have also been no issues with inappropriate or excessive texts. We did have to work a little on appropriate time to use for texting (he has trouble sleeping) so as not to bother friends, but that has been worked out.

Why does he have his phone with him at night??

We do not allow phones in bedrooms for teens. Since they got them in middle school, they get plugged into charger on kitchen counter and stay there through the night.

Anonymous wrote:

We waited to get my daughter a cell phone until the end of 8th grade. Since we gave her the phone, 99% of our arguments are about the phone. I'm grateful everyday that we waited as long as we did because it is such a pain in the ass.

+1

+1. Waited till beginning of 8th. No regrets. Managed just fine using an iPad/Computer in the house. DC still had friends, still hung out, still participated in sports and after school activities. Meanwhile, I heard sooo many complaints from other parents about social media, lost/damaged phones, inappropriate use during class, and just kids generally wrapped up in the phone.

No not essential and truthfully causes more problems and headaches. Folks keep giving them to kids younger and younger. No 11 year old needs a smartphone.

Essential? Idk but you are kinda isolating him. In the old days, we all had home phones to call each other. No one went through parents past age 6 or 7 to call your friends. But now, if a child doesn’t has a phone, and you don’t have a landline, they are basically have to communicate through parents which completely ends by middle school bc the parents don’t know each other.

Get him an old school phone that calls and texts

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 5th grader has a phone as do most of his friends. For those of you who don't allow your kids to have phones, how do they make plans to meet up with their friends? We have 3 pools in our neighborhood and it's already started, them deciding which pool (among themselves) to go to and then they meet up. Do you all still "schedule play dates for your middle schoolers? Isn't that weird? My son is out the door every day that it's nice outside and has planned for himself to meet at the basketball courts, pool, or run around in the creek/woods that run through my neighborhood. None of this (thankfully!!) Is orchestrated by me. I'm not sure how my kid would have a social life without a phone and I'm sure as hell glad he's not sitting around the house all day.

They go knock on their friends door. Or sometimes arrange by Google chat.

Google chat in middle school, are you sure? My daughter used it in 5th and 6th grade, but not in middle school when so many kids have phones. In her soccer team, only two girls don't have phones (7th grade girls). My son is an 8th grader and they all have phones on his team, same all his friends.

Neither my 7th nor my 8th grader have a phone and if people want to reach them, they find a way. They tend to use Hangouts. They don't seem to lack for a social life. Maybe if there were introverts it would be a problem but they stay connected and are always invited somewhere. Is it possible they're missing out on some things, yes. Is it possible they'd have more invites if they had a phone, absolutely? But honestly they don't need anymore. Their social lives are hectic enough as it is.

pssst...introverts can stay connected to people and have social lives

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 5th grader has a phone as do most of his friends. For those of you who don't allow your kids to have phones, how do they make plans to meet up with their friends? We have 3 pools in our neighborhood and it's already started, them deciding which pool (among themselves) to go to and then they meet up. Do you all still "schedule play dates for your middle schoolers? Isn't that weird? My son is out the door every day that it's nice outside and has planned for himself to meet at the basketball courts, pool, or run around in the creek/woods that run through my neighborhood. None of this (thankfully!!) Is orchestrated by me. I'm not sure how my kid would have a social life without a phone and I'm sure as hell glad he's not sitting around the house all day.

They go knock on their friends door. Or sometimes arrange by Google chat.

Google chat in middle school, are you sure? My daughter used it in 5th and 6th grade, but not in middle school when so many kids have phones. In her soccer team, only two girls don't have phones (7th grade girls). My son is an 8th grader and they all have phones on his team, same all his friends.

Neither my 7th nor my 8th grader have a phone and if people want to reach them, they find a way. They tend to use Hangouts. They don't seem to lack for a social life. Maybe if there were introverts it would be a problem but they stay connected and are always invited somewhere. Is it possible they're missing out on some things, yes. Is it possible they'd have more invites if they had a phone, absolutely? But honestly they don't need anymore. Their social lives are hectic enough as it is.

My son (6th) has one. We have Qustodio, and it is helpful in ensuring that he doesn't spend execssive time messing around on it. Some is ok, tons is not.

There have also been no issues with inappropriate or excessive texts. We did have to work a little on appropriate time to use for texting (he has trouble sleeping) so as not to bother friends, but that has been worked out.

Anonymous wrote:It sucks because as a PP stated, we do fight a lot about phones, but we have a rule where all devices are cut off from data at x time, and for the MSer, the device is left downstairs. We do what we can to make sure they are not on the phone 24/7.

PP could you elaborate on this? How long are they sitting on their phones each day? What are the fights about?

Our son got a phone at the beginning of 7th grade, he was one of the few who didn't have a phone at that point. Lots of group chats and texting so far.