Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 10:54     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Guys, OPs problems with her spouse are way beyond stinky BO bacteria smell showering habits of her preteen.

She probably wishes it was merely a debate about how not to smell once bacteria mixes with sweat or how frequently preteens who stink should shower.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 10:51     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:I should tell my wife I’m just sleeping in until 1pm on the weekends. Tbh, I get more done when she sleeps in and not just playing on here or Reddit.


It is easy to say but not easy to prove. I am sure you waste time too. Heck we are all here!
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 10:48     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Pls practice self care and get out of the house for sane times with your own friends and family.

I also hope you work so you can see what sane people and conversations are like. Don’t lose sight of what normal, kind behaviors and conversations should be like.

Personally I don’t know if I could “cope” by disassociating from how lousy my spouse was behaving towards me and the child.
Just not my values and principles to let that slide in someone who’s supposed to be my life partner. Seems pointless
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 10:47     Subject: Re:how to handle this behavior
Anonymous[b wrote:]Nasty.[/b]

My boys have always showered/bathed daily.

From the very youngest ages.

Now as teens if they have sports games, it might even be twice a day.

Your husband is nasty.


It is not nasty. Showering every day is NOT necessary. Are you a mature adult using the word "nasty?" Grow up . Here is the latest:

However, daily showers do not improve your health, could cause skin problems or other health issues — and, importantly, they waste a lot of water. Also, the oils, perfumes, and other additives in shampoos, conditioners, and soaps may cause problems of their own, such as allergic reactions (not to mention their cost).Jun 26, 2019
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 10:44     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:I instruct child (8, has not bathed in 2 days) to take a shower before he leaves the house with DH for the afternoon. DH is still in pajamas and cooking himself lunch, no indication they will leave in less than 30 minutes. DH gets in my face, saying “Why does he have to shower? He can shower tonight.” I try to ignore and continue getting kid to the bathroom. Kid is the type to need multiple prompts. DH continues insisting on showering later, raising his voice. I raise my voice and say “Kid is showering now, period. You’re clearly not leaving immediately.”

Obviously, terrible relationship. But how do I best handle this kind of sh*t (happens on the regular) with minimum conflict? DH is frequently unreasonable about totally normal things I want to do, will absolutely dig in.


You were not in the right here. Two days without a shower is no big deal unless he has been rolling around in the mud. Just give your dh space so he can parent your child together. Please apologize to your dh Who cares if he wasn't leaving immediately? Just go do your own thing when dh says he is going to do something with son.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 10:41     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your DH sounds like a pain. But also, if you’re in charge of hygiene, you get to make a routine. Most parents choose evening for kids to bathe, others morning. Why wait 2 days until afternoon and dig in about it being necessary right now?


This is my read on the situation as well. Why was it okay for 2 days and suddenly imperative to do it immediately?


I wanted him to shower because they were about to go out and likely end up indoors some place. Generally I want my kid not to smell bad. If they had been heading out the door that second and I tried to stop them - yes, that would have been unreasonable. But they clearly were not going anywhere for at least 30
minutes and DH just got really fixated on that he didn’t need to shower. Part of posting here is to wonder why he is like that — like really, why did hearing me tell our son to shower trigger him? But it’s probably pointless to wonder. For those of you who don’t have to deal with this kind of erratic stuff, I’m happy for you.


and btw - one reason he had not showered is that DH kept him out really late the night before (usually shower at night) and I decided to skip the shower so he could get to bed on time. With school struggles I’m trying to keep his bedtime consistent, while at the same time trying to teach him basic hygeine during early puberty, and then also just make sure he’s presentable in public so he doesn’t have to be the smelly kid on top of everything else. DH participates in none of this - and I mean none. He had to be taught step by step to take a shower at all because of sensory issues. The only time DH gets involved in any of this stuff is on a sudden, erratic basis if he gets some be in his bonnet about how it inconveniences him or he dislikes it in the moment. I’ve already sort of given up on the bedtime consistency because often times DH will ignore DS and the house all day until like 8:45pm and then want to take DS on a walk. So I say ok because I know it’s the only time they will have together. Then they come home late, shower skipped, and we end up in chaos like yesterday morning.

I dunno guys, it is so, so exhausting.


You need to read the Special Needs forum. Your spouse and child likely have high functioning autism or at least ADHD. Your spouse may be a lost cause and the future there is precarious in many ways even without kids.

Your son needs interventions- behavioral therapy and executive functioning coaching. And consistent routines and forming of food habits, not bad. Robotic like good habits.

You mention hygiene problems, problems with school work, sensory issues, no sleep schedule, loosy goosy father who never got help for his autism and subsequent anger outbursts (negative defense mechanism/ poor verbal communication.
You need to get strong and a phd therapist that understands an ASD husband/ NT wife and an ASD child. I hope it is adhd because that’s more treatable, def explore that.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 10:34     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: OP, I'm on your side with this-Dh literally tried to block your parenting, instead of actually parenting with you. Yes, the kid needed a shower! It's part of hygiene.

And the guy got up in your face...that is abusive OP. I'm sorry, I think I'd be lining up ducks.


In the interim I just give in, right? I think my bottom line is bedtime and deodorant/tooth brushing before school. Otherwise does more harm than good to fight over DS.


Yes line up the ducks, lay low, feed his ego. Don’t lose sight of the big picture. He won’t get better.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 09:53     Subject: how to handle this behavior
I should tell my wife I’m just sleeping in until 1pm on the weekends. Tbh, I get more done when she sleeps in and not just playing on here or Reddit.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 09:29     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm actually on your side with the shower.

Dh's actions ,g etting in your face and arguing were inappropriate,

Stay with me here. If your son has ADHD a consistent routing is important, pick a time every day for the showers, we find before bed best it's also a good way to relax.

If your son has ADHD it's nearly 1005Guranteed you or DH does too, in this case, it seems like DH.. People with ADHD are notorious for time blindness which in this case means DH really thought he was going to leave in 30 minutes and that you were slowing him down with the shower stuff. People with ADHD are also notorious for being extremely sensitive and having difficulty managing emotions/emotional reactions can be over the top as was your DH's. These things can be improved with meds/treatment.

Since your DH seems unlikely to get help for himself, and it seems you want to stay with him I suggest you read up on ADHD and how to manage the symptoms in kids, adults, marriage etc you'll get a good insight into your son and husband and how to better manage those relationships.


very insightful, thank you. I think what some posters aren’t getting is how very strange the behavior is. if I can label it ADHD in my mind and stay calm it might be less conflicted. maybe I should have send DS out of the room and then gone over the day’s schedule. But it’s very hard to stay calm when you have a man suddenly yelling in your face to stop something reasonable out of the middle of nowhere.


You are welcome. I have ADHD . I wasn't diagnosed until my late 30's but I recognize the unreasonable behavior and emotional outbursts. I could be and sometimes still am a real asshole.. Things have improved for me with meds and therapy, It would be great if DH is willing. If not you can still help your son and learn to cope with DH.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 09:13     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your DH sounds like a pain. But also, if you’re in charge of hygiene, you get to make a routine. Most parents choose evening for kids to bathe, others morning. Why wait 2 days until afternoon and dig in about it being necessary right now?


This is my read on the situation as well. Why was it okay for 2 days and suddenly imperative to do it immediately?


I wanted him to shower because they were about to go out and likely end up indoors some place. Generally I want my kid not to smell bad. If they had been heading out the door that second and I tried to stop them - yes, that would have been unreasonable. But they clearly were not going anywhere for at least 30
minutes and DH just got really fixated on that he didn’t need to shower. Part of posting here is to wonder why he is like that — like really, why did hearing me tell our son to shower trigger him? But it’s probably pointless to wonder. For those of you who don’t have to deal with this kind of erratic stuff, I’m happy for you.


and btw - one reason he had not showered is that DH kept him out really late the night before (usually shower at night) and I decided to skip the shower so he could get to bed on time. With school struggles I’m trying to keep his bedtime consistent, while at the same time trying to teach him basic hygeine during early puberty, and then also just make sure he’s presentable in public so he doesn’t have to be the smelly kid on top of everything else. DH participates in none of this - and I mean none. He had to be taught step by step to take a shower at all because of sensory issues. The only time DH gets involved in any of this stuff is on a sudden, erratic basis if he gets some be in his bonnet about how it inconveniences him or he dislikes it in the moment. I’ve already sort of given up on the bedtime consistency because often times DH will ignore DS and the house all day until like 8:45pm and then want to take DS on a walk. So I say ok because I know it’s the only time they will have together. Then they come home late, shower skipped, and we end up in chaos like yesterday morning.

I dunno guys, it is so, so exhausting.


Your DH has some real issues.


He does. The more I accept that the better it will be.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 09:09     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your DH sounds like a pain. But also, if you’re in charge of hygiene, you get to make a routine. Most parents choose evening for kids to bathe, others morning. Why wait 2 days until afternoon and dig in about it being necessary right now?


This is my read on the situation as well. Why was it okay for 2 days and suddenly imperative to do it immediately?


I wanted him to shower because they were about to go out and likely end up indoors some place. Generally I want my kid not to smell bad. If they had been heading out the door that second and I tried to stop them - yes, that would have been unreasonable. But they clearly were not going anywhere for at least 30
minutes and DH just got really fixated on that he didn’t need to shower. Part of posting here is to wonder why he is like that — like really, why did hearing me tell our son to shower trigger him? But it’s probably pointless to wonder. For those of you who don’t have to deal with this kind of erratic stuff, I’m happy for you.


and btw - one reason he had not showered is that DH kept him out really late the night before (usually shower at night) and I decided to skip the shower so he could get to bed on time. With school struggles I’m trying to keep his bedtime consistent, while at the same time trying to teach him basic hygeine during early puberty, and then also just make sure he’s presentable in public so he doesn’t have to be the smelly kid on top of everything else. DH participates in none of this - and I mean none. He had to be taught step by step to take a shower at all because of sensory issues. The only time DH gets involved in any of this stuff is on a sudden, erratic basis if he gets some be in his bonnet about how it inconveniences him or he dislikes it in the moment. I’ve already sort of given up on the bedtime consistency because often times DH will ignore DS and the house all day until like 8:45pm and then want to take DS on a walk. So I say ok because I know it’s the only time they will have together. Then they come home late, shower skipped, and we end up in chaos like yesterday morning.

I dunno guys, it is so, so exhausting.


Your DH has some real issues.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 09:06     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:I'm actually on your side with the shower.

Dh's actions ,g etting in your face and arguing were inappropriate,

Stay with me here. If your son has ADHD a consistent routing is important, pick a time every day for the showers, we find before bed best it's also a good way to relax.

If your son has ADHD it's nearly 1005Guranteed you or DH does too, in this case, it seems like DH.. People with ADHD are notorious for time blindness which in this case means DH really thought he was going to leave in 30 minutes and that you were slowing him down with the shower stuff. People with ADHD are also notorious for being extremely sensitive and having difficulty managing emotions/emotional reactions can be over the top as was your DH's. These things can be improved with meds/treatment.

Since your DH seems unlikely to get help for himself, and it seems you want to stay with him I suggest you read up on ADHD and how to manage the symptoms in kids, adults, marriage etc you'll get a good insight into your son and husband and how to better manage those relationships.


Agree. oP is sandwiched between two ADHD’ers. Either give up and let them both be juveniles developmentally or get everyone therapy and executive functioning coaching, roles, expectations around the house. It will greatly help your son, hopefully.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 09:05     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:I'm actually on your side with the shower.

Dh's actions ,g etting in your face and arguing were inappropriate,

Stay with me here. If your son has ADHD a consistent routing is important, pick a time every day for the showers, we find before bed best it's also a good way to relax.

If your son has ADHD it's nearly 1005Guranteed you or DH does too, in this case, it seems like DH.. People with ADHD are notorious for time blindness which in this case means DH really thought he was going to leave in 30 minutes and that you were slowing him down with the shower stuff. People with ADHD are also notorious for being extremely sensitive and having difficulty managing emotions/emotional reactions can be over the top as was your DH's. These things can be improved with meds/treatment.

Since your DH seems unlikely to get help for himself, and it seems you want to stay with him I suggest you read up on ADHD and how to manage the symptoms in kids, adults, marriage etc you'll get a good insight into your son and husband and how to better manage those relationships.


very insightful, thank you. I think what some posters aren’t getting is how very strange the behavior is. if I can label it ADHD in my mind and stay calm it might be less conflicted. maybe I should have send DS out of the room and then gone over the day’s schedule. But it’s very hard to stay calm when you have a man suddenly yelling in your face to stop something reasonable out of the middle of nowhere.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 09:02     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:So you’re good with him smelling bad at home but not if he’s out with your husband?
You should have made the kid shower at a normal showering time: night or morning.


Again, this is about logical decisions in that moment. Sure it would have been better to shower in the night but that did not happen (see other posts). second best is shower before going out. Why did my DH have to interfere? This isn’t about routine (I agree routine is better) but about trying to see if there’s any way to deal with DH’s random interference.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 09:01     Subject: how to handle this behavior
I'm actually on your side with the shower.

Dh's actions ,g etting in your face and arguing were inappropriate,

Stay with me here. If your son has ADHD a consistent routing is important, pick a time every day for the showers, we find before bed best it's also a good way to relax.

If your son has ADHD it's nearly 1005Guranteed you or DH does too, in this case, it seems like DH.. People with ADHD are notorious for time blindness which in this case means DH really thought he was going to leave in 30 minutes and that you were slowing him down with the shower stuff. People with ADHD are also notorious for being extremely sensitive and having difficulty managing emotions/emotional reactions can be over the top as was your DH's. These things can be improved with meds/treatment.

Since your DH seems unlikely to get help for himself, and it seems you want to stay with him I suggest you read up on ADHD and how to manage the symptoms in kids, adults, marriage etc you'll get a good insight into your son and husband and how to better manage those relationships.