My wife is a SAHM. Has been most of our marriage.
Early on I'd get home from work and clothes would be everywhere. Dishes not washed not out away. Toiletries everywhere in the kitchen.
I'd get angry she'd promise to change, and repeat.
Years passed and most of the love was squeezed out of the marriage and this cycle played its part.
One day I just stopped talking about all of these things. If it bothered me I'd just do it. If I could ignore it I did. Resulted in me working second shift at home after work but it stopped the cycle of resentment on those issues.
If divorce was an option we should have. Since it wasn't I should have just stopped much earlier than I did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would you react to a Spouse that constantly uses the phrase above anytime you ask them to do simple courteous things like:

- turn off the lights when they leave a room —
- close the doors during the middle of summer
- hang wet towels instead of throwing them on the bed
- not leave the kitchen sink just running while they fill the dishwasher
- refill the Brita when they empty it
- empty the trash when its full instead of smashing more in until the bag breaks
- leaves used dental floss in the shower
- doesn't replace TP when emptied


And a gazillion other examples of generally being an extremely selfish housemate.

depends on how tight finances are, but this are weird to me:

turn off the lights when they leave a room —
- close the doors during the middle of summer
- not leave the kitchen sink just running while they fill the dishwasher

Things that should be adjusted:
Wet towels —> only if the beddding gets wet, otherwise who cares
TP/floss -> yep
Trash —> try setting the trash bags right next to the can and see if a visual cue helps. One stuff is fine, bag break is not
Brita—> have spouse buy one that screws on to the sink. Takes the problem away.

Exactly this. The top two are nagging. Regarding Brita, I never fill ours up. My DH does it.

Anonymous wrote:How would you react to a Spouse that constantly uses the phrase above anytime you ask them to do simple courteous things like:

- turn off the lights when they leave a room
- close the doors during the middle of summer
- hang wet towels instead of throwing them on the bed
- not leave the kitchen sink just running while they fill the dishwasher
- refill the Brita when they empty it
- empty the trash when its full instead of smashing more in until the bag breaks
- leaves used dental floss in the shower
- doesn't replace TP when emptied


And a gazillion other examples of generally being an extremely selfish housemate.

If you want to stay married you have to come to some sort of compromise/understanding. The dental floss, towels, and Brita would b the top of my list, but in the bigger scheme of things I would quite honestly consider divorce if you haven't been married very long and don't have kids. These are behavioral issues that are just ingrained and don't matter to him and you're not every going to make them matter to him. You will be living this way on some level for the entire time you are married to him. That's just the absolute truth.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW that basically checks off all items on your list.

My husband doesn't berate me for it. In the grand scheme, is it really a big deal?

You leave dental floss in the shower for your spouse to encounter after you? That is DISGUSTING.

I'd tell him to grow up. These are basic adult things not moving mountains here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree some of this is irritating but I clicked on the link because I’ve often felt like your husband. My husband is very controlling about things like lights being on—will turn them off when I’ve left the room for a couple of minutes so I have to walk back into a dark room, or gets irritatedwhen I leave the door open for a minute while I’m finding my keys in my purse to lock the door, etc.

My advice would be to really question which of these things really interfere with your own ability to live in your house, and which you might actually be able to change, and then focus just on those but raise them in holistic way and not in a way that feels like you are constantly nitpicking.

You should divorce. This is no way to live.

And you the obnoxious commanding princess poster which I hope to all good things was satire?

They don’t divorce over this. Not this alone. No.

Anonymous wrote:Every couple has this stuff. It's how you handle it.

My spouse leaves all the lights on. I do go around and turn lights off. Not obsessively. But I do it. And he and I will joke about it at times. I don't make a big deal out of it.

If I'm doing something that really bothers him or vice versa, he will ask me with all sincerity to stop and I will try to fix it. This usually works. You know why? There isn't a 17 point list and we have maintained good humor and love between the two of us and neither of us are neurotic freaks. So if he really asks or if I really ask, we do our best to fix it.

You have to have a bank of good will OP and pick your battles, as others have said.

Do you sing Rihanna though?




Heheh, just kidding. You have the right attitude.

I clicked on this because I used to feel this as well with my DH. Not on basic hygiene but on other controlling aspect he displayed. He is a borderline hoarder and would freak out when I decluttered -- and I am talking about things like broken toys. He also did the light thing which drove me nuts; I felt like I was being followed.

I told him exactly what OP's DH said. I also took it a step further and said that if this does not get fixed, we will not live together in a few years. I have no wish to be divorced, but I will not be a stranger in my own home, and the feeling of not having a home is incredibly draining. In other words, DH was headed down a road where the marriage was worth less to me than the feeling of not having a home. To my DHs credit, he took that seriously (he knows I do not exaggerate things like this). The situation is much better now. Not perfect, but I am no longer dreaming about my own living space.

Listen to your DH. He's telling you something serious here.

Anonymous wrote:I agree some of this is irritating but I clicked on the link because I’ve often felt like your husband. My husband is very controlling about things like lights being on—will turn them off when I’ve left the room for a couple of minutes so I have to walk back into a dark room, or gets irritatedwhen I leave the door open for a minute while I’m finding my keys in my purse to lock the door, etc.

My advice would be to really question which of these things really interfere with your own ability to live in your house, and which you might actually be able to change, and then focus just on those but raise them in holistic way and not in a way that feels like you are constantly nitpicking.

You should divorce. This is no way to live.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think. Your spouse is saying something to you. Listen to him. "You make me feel like I can't live in my own house" is actually a decent conversation starter to deal with what sounds like a pretty painful dynamic. He could have said a lot of other things OP.

This conversation would end with my saying “okay, get out. Have your own house where you slob around and cause environmental decline. This house is mine, since you don’t respect it.”

lololol

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW that basically checks off all items on your list.

My husband doesn't berate me for it. In the grand scheme, is it really a big deal?

+1- I’m pretty absent minded too and my husband is still nice to me. We’d have a totally different and much worse marriage if he was constantly correcting me. There are other things that I’m better at/more on top of than him and I don’t nitpick about those either.

Let it go and let him deal with the consequences. Empty Britta, empty toilet paper roll, wet towels on HIS side of the bed, no TP in the bathroom (bring your own), overflowing trash, collection of dental floss (use another shower if you have one). Don't be his maid.

I think it is very likely OP is a man.

I'm a DW that basically checks off all items on your list.

My husband doesn't berate me for it. In the grand scheme, is it really a big deal?

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure the list is actually much longer. Mine pees like a girl, but flushes before he pees, and the leaves his pee in there. Any guesses why?

I don't understand any of this post