Anonymous
Post 05/24/2021 11:11     Subject: has your kid every been strongly advised to leave a school
Public schools have to take your child but they aren't the best. My friendsgets a call nearly every day to come pick up her special needs child. They really can't help and don't have the funding to provide a full time assistant. So while they won't make him leave or oinsel him out their behavy forcers her to have to bring a lawyer to iep meetings and co Sider private. She says she can't leave work every day for his behavior.
Anonymous
Post 05/24/2021 10:48     Subject: Re:has your kid every been strongly advised to leave a school
This thread has been very eye opening. I now realize that DS was almost or in the process of being counseled out of school a couple years ago. I didn't even know until reading these threads that this was probably what was happening. We were getting the vague reports - mostly pleasant about how smart DS is and how he makes lots of friends but they are working with him on transitions and staying focused. The problem was we were not seeing most of the problems at home. The break through actually came at a summer camp he attended. They had great counselors and provided several strategies to help him transition better. Fast forward 4 years later at same school he is now doing great with great reports.

I do think schools need to be more explicit about how serious the issues are. In some teacher meetings, the teacher spent most of the time talking about the positives and at the very end brought up the negatives when time was running out and not enough time to delve into the details. I understand it may be uncomfortable for a teacher to provide the hard news but isn't that what the assistant heads of school, learning specialists and academic advisors are there for?
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2021 15:14     Subject: Re:has your kid every been strongly advised to leave a school
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Parents definitely play down issues or don’t see how disruptive certain behaviors can be in a group setting. While I don’t doubt you, OP, as a teacher I have reached out to many parents regarding behavioral issues and they blow it off. Then they’re shocked when their child isn’t invited back for the next year.

Yes, I’m sure some schools are “heartless” - some parents are completely dismissive.


Do you explicitly say as early as possible “if we don’t see xyz change in behavior before the end of the year, this won’t be a good fit for him next year.” How clearly do your communicate minor things you’re working on from serious concerns. I’m on my 3rd kid and I swear every conference is the same vague pleasantries of good and bad info and it’s impossible to read when someone is elevating to a real concern


As a private school teacher you can’t threaten “if we don’t see improvement by this date your kid is out”. We make the seriousness known however and suggest ways to rectify the behavior at home. We would never say everything is fine unless it is. We’d give you positives but also negatives about your child at school. You’ll know when it’s a real concern if you’re listening.


That’s just not true. “I have serious concerns about larlos ability to thrive here because of his difficulties with self regulation during transitions” is very different from “larlo is such a smart sweet boy and he love seeing him discover new things in our classroom! We are continuing to work with him on his ability to manage transitions” I’ve gotten the later and then was blamed for being surprised that he was advised to not return. Do better by families - don’t speak in vague tones and hope parents pick up on the seriousness. You’ve seen 100s of kids, parents have seen one or two, all kids have strengths and weaknesses and all kids need to work on things. If something is a serious concern and the child is an outlier, ffs please be direct about it


They don't because they've probably had too many experiences of parents in denial and becoming enraged and threatening to sue the school or yank their kid out and badmouth to everyone. People think that because they are reasonable, that other parents are, or that they would handle a hypothetical situation one reasonable way, but then when it actually happens, they go off their rocker because the evil school doesn't know how to teach their precious kid and what a lousy admin and yes they were happy when Larlo was asked not to return last year but Aidan is just not like that!! And so on and so forth.

Schools don't hint at things because they enjoy playing cat and mouse. They hint because they've dealt with too many explosions and unpleasant, angry reactions, and nobody wants to put themselves in the soup.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2021 14:42     Subject: has your kid every been strongly advised to leave a school
Anonymous wrote:Happened to us. My suggestion is to leave gracefully so in the future you don't have to say you're child was expelled or thrown out of a school. It sounds like at this point, they haven't asked you to leave exactly... so you can honestly say no if future applications ask about it. You don't want your child in a school that isn't equipped for their needs. It will be hard on the kid and hard on you in the long run. I'm sorry. It hurts.


+1. Mine was counseled out in the month of April where admissions for most schools had closed. Was quite a devastating experience for the whole family. Children are still developing and would make bad decisions or choices. We left gracefully and fortunately got accepted to another school who took chance on us. It has turned out a huge blessing in disguise and kid thrived very well in new school where they flourished in a much more accepting and supportive community. Kid just graduated from an Ivy league university with a bachelors in Engineering. We look back and are actually grateful that we were counseled out. My advise is to get your child all the support he or she may need and forge on with gusto.I pray that all ends well for you OP
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2021 13:54     Subject: Re:has your kid every been strongly advised to leave a school
Anonymous wrote:I have a 7 yo with behaviors that are similar to ADHD but doesn’t officially meet the criteria for ADHD. That’s just to give context.

When DC’s teacher at our private k-8 gently raised concerns about DC being wiggly and need help staying on topic, we were on it. We started seeing a therapist to get parent coaching, had regular checkin with the teacher and implemented lots of changes at home. We saw results at home, but none at school. We had our therapist work to implement a behavior plan with the teacher at school and saw little impact, so we are doing a medication trial. As the year progressed, DC’s behavior at school got worse, and lower HOS was looped in.

We have constantly communicated with the school about how we are working on our DC’s behavior and they know we are actively working to support DC and stop the behaviors. I think if we don’t find a handle by next year DC will get counseled out, but they are giving us lots of time to try to find a solution that works.

I have spoken to a couple of other parents at our school who got some mixed feedback on their kids behavior at parent teacher conferences, and they have often attacked the teacher as not being “good” with kids like theirs, or “not experienced” enough, and they didn’t take the feedback seriously. I could see how those kids, showing the same behaviors my DC does, would get counseled out because the family is not open to addressing the behaviors. Frankly, the first few months after the teacher first told us what was going on at school, I was terrified DC would get counseled out.

In any case, I am sorry, OP. Wishing you the best finding another school for your DC.


By your own account, nothing you’ve done to address the behavior has changed anything at school. And you’re clearing doing a tremendous amount of work. I find your story a good illustration of why school related behavior issues are so tough. It’s the school environment that’s the trouble combined with certain kids with certain brain chemistry/structure.

I guess I’m wondering why you have to do so much work so your child can attend a private school, which you pay money to attend. It must be a good one! I work at a non exclusive private school...if you pay you can stay!
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2021 21:47     Subject: Re:has your kid every been strongly advised to leave a school
I have a 7 yo with behaviors that are similar to ADHD but doesn’t officially meet the criteria for ADHD. That’s just to give context.

When DC’s teacher at our private k-8 gently raised concerns about DC being wiggly and need help staying on topic, we were on it. We started seeing a therapist to get parent coaching, had regular checkin with the teacher and implemented lots of changes at home. We saw results at home, but none at school. We had our therapist work to implement a behavior plan with the teacher at school and saw little impact, so we are doing a medication trial. As the year progressed, DC’s behavior at school got worse, and lower HOS was looped in.

We have constantly communicated with the school about how we are working on our DC’s behavior and they know we are actively working to support DC and stop the behaviors. I think if we don’t find a handle by next year DC will get counseled out, but they are giving us lots of time to try to find a solution that works.

I have spoken to a couple of other parents at our school who got some mixed feedback on their kids behavior at parent teacher conferences, and they have often attacked the teacher as not being “good” with kids like theirs, or “not experienced” enough, and they didn’t take the feedback seriously. I could see how those kids, showing the same behaviors my DC does, would get counseled out because the family is not open to addressing the behaviors. Frankly, the first few months after the teacher first told us what was going on at school, I was terrified DC would get counseled out.

In any case, I am sorry, OP. Wishing you the best finding another school for your DC.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2021 21:26     Subject: Re:has your kid every been strongly advised to leave a school
This whole discussion has been very eye-opening for me. DS is currently in private but will be in public next year due to our income. However, I now realize after reading this thread that if we had decided to keep DS in private, then maybe we also would have been told it is not a good fit. I would encourage teachers to be much more straight forward with parents about suspecting special needs. I honestly did not understand what DS’s teacher was trying to tell me, something about giving him chores at home, and didn’t realize until later she suspected autism spectrum. It is difficult when parents have a very bright child who is found to be SN. Some of us really can’t read between the lines, so to say.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2021 20:54     Subject: Re:has your kid every been strongly advised to leave a school
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Parents definitely play down issues or don’t see how disruptive certain behaviors can be in a group setting. While I don’t doubt you, OP, as a teacher I have reached out to many parents regarding behavioral issues and they blow it off. Then they’re shocked when their child isn’t invited back for the next year.

Yes, I’m sure some schools are “heartless” - some parents are completely dismissive.


Do you explicitly say as early as possible “if we don’t see xyz change in behavior before the end of the year, this won’t be a good fit for him next year.” How clearly do your communicate minor things you’re working on from serious concerns. I’m on my 3rd kid and I swear every conference is the same vague pleasantries of good and bad info and it’s impossible to read when someone is elevating to a real concern


As a private school teacher you can’t threaten “if we don’t see improvement by this date your kid is out”. We make the seriousness known however and suggest ways to rectify the behavior at home. We would never say everything is fine unless it is. We’d give you positives but also negatives about your child at school. You’ll know when it’s a real concern if you’re listening.


That’s just not true. “I have serious concerns about larlos ability to thrive here because of his difficulties with self regulation during transitions” is very different from “larlo is such a smart sweet boy and he love seeing him discover new things in our classroom! We are continuing to work with him on his ability to manage transitions” I’ve gotten the later and then was blamed for being surprised that he was advised to not return. Do better by families - don’t speak in vague tones and hope parents pick up on the seriousness. You’ve seen 100s of kids, parents have seen one or two, all kids have strengths and weaknesses and all kids need to work on things. If something is a serious concern and the child is an outlier, ffs please be direct about it



Did you question “what do you mean about transitions?” And “what is he doing/how’s is he behaving?” NP here and I would have stopped the teacher there.


Yes of course, and got answers like “oh he gets a bit over excited and will sometimes swing his coat around” - which sounds like a totally normal 3 yo behavior to me, yes of course one that needs to be worked on but not DEEPLY CONCERNING. Then 2 weeks before the end of the year they advise that he doesn’t return because apparently their approach to managing it was to hold his hand and that won’t be possible when he’s 4 and there are new 3yos.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2021 19:29     Subject: Re:has your kid every been strongly advised to leave a school
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Parents definitely play down issues or don’t see how disruptive certain behaviors can be in a group setting. While I don’t doubt you, OP, as a teacher I have reached out to many parents regarding behavioral issues and they blow it off. Then they’re shocked when their child isn’t invited back for the next year.

Yes, I’m sure some schools are “heartless” - some parents are completely dismissive.


Do you explicitly say as early as possible “if we don’t see xyz change in behavior before the end of the year, this won’t be a good fit for him next year.” How clearly do your communicate minor things you’re working on from serious concerns. I’m on my 3rd kid and I swear every conference is the same vague pleasantries of good and bad info and it’s impossible to read when someone is elevating to a real concern


As a private school teacher you can’t threaten “if we don’t see improvement by this date your kid is out”. We make the seriousness known however and suggest ways to rectify the behavior at home. We would never say everything is fine unless it is. We’d give you positives but also negatives about your child at school. You’ll know when it’s a real concern if you’re listening.


That’s just not true. “I have serious concerns about larlos ability to thrive here because of his difficulties with self regulation during transitions” is very different from “larlo is such a smart sweet boy and he love seeing him discover new things in our classroom! We are continuing to work with him on his ability to manage transitions” I’ve gotten the later and then was blamed for being surprised that he was advised to not return. Do better by families - don’t speak in vague tones and hope parents pick up on the seriousness. You’ve seen 100s of kids, parents have seen one or two, all kids have strengths and weaknesses and all kids need to work on things. If something is a serious concern and the child is an outlier, ffs please be direct about it



Did you question “what do you mean about transitions?” And “what is he doing/how’s is he behaving?” NP here and I would have stopped the teacher there.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2021 19:12     Subject: Re:has your kid every been strongly advised to leave a school
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Parents definitely play down issues or don’t see how disruptive certain behaviors can be in a group setting. While I don’t doubt you, OP, as a teacher I have reached out to many parents regarding behavioral issues and they blow it off. Then they’re shocked when their child isn’t invited back for the next year.

Yes, I’m sure some schools are “heartless” - some parents are completely dismissive.


Do you explicitly say as early as possible “if we don’t see xyz change in behavior before the end of the year, this won’t be a good fit for him next year.” How clearly do your communicate minor things you’re working on from serious concerns. I’m on my 3rd kid and I swear every conference is the same vague pleasantries of good and bad info and it’s impossible to read when someone is elevating to a real concern


As a private school teacher you can’t threaten “if we don’t see improvement by this date your kid is out”. We make the seriousness known however and suggest ways to rectify the behavior at home. We would never say everything is fine unless it is. We’d give you positives but also negatives about your child at school. You’ll know when it’s a real concern if you’re listening.


That’s just not true. “I have serious concerns about larlos ability to thrive here because of his difficulties with self regulation during transitions” is very different from “larlo is such a smart sweet boy and he love seeing him discover new things in our classroom! We are continuing to work with him on his ability to manage transitions” I’ve gotten the later and then was blamed for being surprised that he was advised to not return. Do better by families - don’t speak in vague tones and hope parents pick up on the seriousness. You’ve seen 100s of kids, parents have seen one or two, all kids have strengths and weaknesses and all kids need to work on things. If something is a serious concern and the child is an outlier, ffs please be direct about it