Anonymous wrote:I am a new poster. This is my DS exactly. He was straight A before junior year and now turns in nothing. I yell at him, feel sorry for him, get angry again, get scared he is depressed and it cycles over and over. I cannot image that his junior year he would spend almost entirely in bed. I am not an absent parent but it is not easy when they are 17

Yes, the "suck it up" posters have no clue.

I am a new poster. This is my DS exactly. He was straight A before junior year and now turns in nothing. I yell at him, feel sorry for him, get angry again, get scared he is depressed and it cycles over and over. I cannot image that his junior year he would spend almost entirely in bed. I am not an absent parent but it is not easy when they are 17

Anonymous wrote:I was not giving therapeutic advice. A mentally ill person should be helped by a mental health professional.

I was saying that this is a great opportunity for parents to help young adults learn how to cope with hardship. yes, the hardship is real, but hardships come along in life. How will they get through disappointment, changes in plans?
Think of this as a teachable moment (and NO, I am not saying a child with clinical depression can be "taught" back to health. To reiterate, they need professional management and likely medication.)

Even for a sad/disappointed kid with NO mental illness, I would not say "suck it up, buttercup." That is not supportive. You can acknowledge what the kid has lost/is mourning, or the difficulties they are encountering...but help them identify ways to cope...because this will not be their last disapointment. Or the last time in life they wll be forced to pivot/adapt.

For those whose kids are suffering for mental illness, I am sorry. The pandemic may have triggered it...but perhaps they were at risk and were it not this, it would have been a breakup or failed test. I think it is good they are home when it happened, so you could pick up on it quickly and help them learn how to manage their illness before they are off away at college. May they recover quickly and fully.

I appreciate your comments. I understand what you are saying. FTR, I never actually said “suck it up” to DC, I was just brought up that way.

Yes, for kids with mental health issues, it could have been triggered by lots of other things in a normal year. But even a bad break-up wears off after a while.
Friends, team sports, trips to the mall tend to blunt the impact and longevity of painful setbacks. Maybe she will one day draw from the resilience established in this year. I truly hope so.

I was not giving therapeutic advice. A mentally ill person should be helped by a mental health professional.

I was saying that this is a great opportunity for parents to help young adults learn how to cope with hardship. yes, the hardship is real, but hardships come along in life. How will they get through disappointment, changes in plans?
Think of this as a teachable moment (and NO, I am not saying a child with clinical depression can be "taught" back to health. To reiterate, they need professional management and likely medication.)

Even for a sad/disappointed kid with NO mental illness, I would not say "suck it up, buttercup." That is not supportive. You can acknowledge what the kid has lost/is mourning, or the difficulties they are encountering...but help them identify ways to cope...because this will not be their last disapointment. Or the last time in life they wll be forced to pivot/adapt.

For those whose kids are suffering for mental illness, I am sorry. The pandemic may have triggered it...but perhaps they were at risk and were it not this, it would have been a breakup or failed test. I think it is good they are home when it happened, so you could pick up on it quickly and help them learn how to manage their illness before they are off away at college. May they recover quickly and fully.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DP...no one is minimizing the pain. All the PP was noting is that every generation has its challenges and somehow, we as a people manage to come through it.

She said "grow up" That's demeaning and minimizing.

Because I would hope the adults in this situation would contextualize it for their child. Not, like a teenager, only see how it is impacting their little corner of the world (ie.GPA and college admission).

Your response seems seems like common sense unless you are talking to a clinically depressed teenager. Any time I have tried that approach it has backfired.
I don’t suffer from depression so it took a while to realize that I needed to change my approach. I was very much brought up in the “suck it up, buttercup,” school of parenting. It just doesn’t work for all kids and in some cases makes it worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DP...no one is minimizing the pain. All the PP was noting is that every generation has its challenges and somehow, we as a people manage to come through it.

She said "grow up" That's demeaning and minimizing.

Because I would hope the adults in this situation would contextualize it for their child. Not, like a teenager, only see how it is impacting their little corner of the world (ie.GPA and college admission).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One year is NOT going to hurt your kid. They will look at 9th and especially 10th closely. Many, many kids are in this situation. My kid is the opposite. Horrible 9th grade (depression). I was told that most colleges look at a complete picture. DO NOT worry.

19:49 pp here. Having just gone through this I can tell you that some will look at the complete picture and some won’t. Ivies most definitely won’t. Highly selective private schools, too. I think since Virgina schools have mandates to take a certain percentage in-state, they are more likely to accommodate GPA slip-ups during the pandemic. In the past, 9th grade was more easily ignored as long as there was a track record of significant improvement. We are now talking about a completely different environment with lots of variables.

Thank you. I’m the PP who’s kid had horrible 9th grade at a DC private. Has gone from C in 9th to A in 11th. School was hybrid most of the year and I think she liked the combination. I was under the impression that the state schools didn’t look at the whole student but that private schools did?! She is obviously not applying to Ivy’s. Maybe some private’s like Miami and mostly state schools like UVA, WM. She she totally doomed? You said you just went through it so that’s why I’m asking. Thanks so much!!

PP here again. All I have to offer is my experience from my kid. So here it goes and I hope it will help. DC applied to 12 schools (combination slacs and Unis). Six schools wanted her Q2 grades and rejected her. She was a straight A student until that quarter when she received 2 C’s while taking all AP’s. Her first semester grades averaged out to A’s and B’s. GPA 4.27. 1500 SAT. The six schools that didn’t ask either waitlisted or accepted her. Maybe it’s a coincidence, but I have my doubts. All the schools she applied to had big increases in applications. Interestingly, the only in state option she applied to was W&M. I was very impressed by their approach and new pathways to acceptance for waitlisted kids. Seemed incredibly humane in an terrible year. Basically, if your kid is waitlisted there they are guaranteed admission in the spring. It’s a big relief for a lot of kids and I would encourage you to research any schools that offer that kind of option. W&M says they practice holistic admissions.

She was accepted to W&M, we visited and she fell in love with the school. She’s a quirky kid so it’s the perfect school for her although I will have to keep closer tabs on her mental health than I would like as it can also be intense. She also was admitted to some other competitive schools in the end which boosted her confidence. In the end it worked out but for a few weeks in March we were in a real panic and my kid was distraught. She applied to mostly moderately competitive schools but only one Ivy (rejection obv).