Anonymous wrote:DH and I fight way too much. We aren’t going to make it and we both know it so all compromise and cooperation has gone out the window. I know our fighting is hurting my kids, especially my 8 yr old son but I just can’t seem to just stop arguing or getting angry with DH in front of the kids.

I’m feeling enormous shame just writing this.

I feel you PP. it’s so hard and I feel the same way.

I yell and spend too much time on my phone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If that’s the worst thing I think you’re in good shape.

The worst thing I do is “be emotionally volitile.” I am working on it but I can tell that sometimes it’s hard for my emotionally sensitive one. She feels like she has to change her moods so that I don’t get upset. I tell her that my moods and emotions have nothing to do with her and that i alone am responsible for them, and maybe someday she will believe me.

Wow, I wish my mother had said this to me when I was a kid. Good for you for working on this.

+2

Anonymous wrote:I am actually a very good parent and a good wife. I have worked hard to create a harmonious home environment for everyone.

What I have not done is give them chores and household responsibilities, and sometimes I do worry if they will be able to manage their own household when they leave the nest.

Never too late to start. I believe chores are indispensable to maturing.

I’m lazy and permissive. I let my kid pretty much do what he wants, eat what he wants, and he does no chores. We don’t do family meals. His diet is very restricted, by his choice (although what he does eat is healthy). He is on his screens all the time. The only things I enforce are homework, his instrument practice, and being polite and kind to the people around him. Absolutely everything else is 100% land of do-as-you-please Lost Boys territory.

Somehow he is still sweet, thoughtful, smart, and teachers love him. It’s a testament to nature over nurture. Somehow I got an A+ kid with C+ parenting. I’ve been unlucky in a few areas of my life, but I hit the jackpot on this one.

I don’t like to talk to them and constantly just want quiet time.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I fight way too much. We aren’t going to make it and we both know it so all compromise and cooperation has gone out the window. I know our fighting is hurting my kids, especially my 8 yr old son but I just can’t seem to just stop arguing or getting angry with DH in front of the kids.

I’m feeling enormous shame just writing this.

You should feel shame. Take ownership and get control of yourself like an adult. It’s good that you recognize what’s going on and feel bad, but until you actually stop doing it all you are is more culpable than someone who doesn’t realize how harmful this is.

The worst thing my father did was marry a spouse so overwhelmed by her own depression, anxiety and borderline/bipolar crap that the only thing in the world that mattered to her were her own emotions. It’s not fair. I sometimes hate her to this day and resent him for not protecting us better and just getting away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I fight way too much. We aren’t going to make it and we both know it so all compromise and cooperation has gone out the window. I know our fighting is hurting my kids, especially my 8 yr old son but I just can’t seem to just stop arguing or getting angry with DH in front of the kids.

I’m feeling enormous shame just writing this.

Stop this. Figure out a way. Even if that way is divorce. As the child of two parents who hate each other, I carry anxiety about them being around each other today, as a 36 year old. They are long since divorced. Love your children more than you hate him. Leave, end the relationship now, find a way to stop. And when you do eventually split, don't make your kids choose, in any way, who to be loyal to.

I know you feel bad, I don't want to add to that, but this is one of the things on here that will really screw a kid up long term.

+1. I used to be in the stick it out for the kids until they graduate camp but have since changed course- it doesn’t no good for anyone and kids really internalize the tension. My parents divorced when I was 6, and it was ugly and I have very vivid memories of their terrible fights.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I fight way too much. We aren’t going to make it and we both know it so all compromise and cooperation has gone out the window. I know our fighting is hurting my kids, especially my 8 yr old son but I just can’t seem to just stop arguing or getting angry with DH in front of the kids.

I’m feeling enormous shame just writing this.

Stop this. Figure out a way. Even if that way is divorce. As the child of two parents who hate each other, I carry anxiety about them being around each other today, as a 36 year old. They are long since divorced. Love your children more than you hate him. Leave, end the relationship now, find a way to stop. And when you do eventually split, don't make your kids choose, in any way, who to be loyal to.

I know you feel bad, I don't want to add to that, but this is one of the things on here that will really screw a kid up long term.

Yes let's make her feel more shame while we are at it. 😣

I also resonate with the pps who mentioned rage, phones and lots of fighting with DH (we probably also will not make it (but that is more to do with the fact that he didn't work or even attempt to find a job all year while I worked 45hours a week,. Childcared and managed the household).

Anonymous wrote:I cannot get along with my mother and we have huge fights. But my mother and daughter love each other and every time my mom and I fight, DD doesn’t see her - sometimes for months at a time. It’s so unfair to my DD. My mother and I have even tried couples counseling and still have periodic blow ups.

This is totally me. My mom is horribly toxic to me and sometimes says things around my daughter that make me feel like she shouldn't be around my daughter. That said, my daughter loves her. I'm very conflicted about whether having little to no relationship with my mother and my daughter having little to no relationship with her would actually be better.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I fight way too much. We aren’t going to make it and we both know it so all compromise and cooperation has gone out the window. I know our fighting is hurting my kids, especially my 8 yr old son but I just can’t seem to just stop arguing or getting angry with DH in front of the kids.

I’m feeling enormous shame just writing this.

Stop this. Figure out a way. Even if that way is divorce. As the child of two parents who hate each other, I carry anxiety about them being around each other today, as a 36 year old. They are long since divorced. Love your children more than you hate him. Leave, end the relationship now, find a way to stop. And when you do eventually split, don't make your kids choose, in any way, who to be loyal to.

I know you feel bad, I don't want to add to that, but this is one of the things on here that will really screw a kid up long term.

I yell out of frustration and engage the child that likes to argue way too much.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I fight way too much. We aren’t going to make it and we both know it so all compromise and cooperation has gone out the window. I know our fighting is hurting my kids, especially my 8 yr old son but I just can’t seem to just stop arguing or getting angry with DH in front of the kids.

I’m feeling enormous shame just writing this.

I’m so sorry. You are a good mom. Be kind to yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot get along with my mother and we have huge fights. But my mother and daughter love each other and every time my mom and I fight, DD doesn’t see her - sometimes for months at a time. It’s so unfair to my DD. My mother and I have even tried couples counseling and still have periodic blow ups.

i have a hard time with my mother, too.

i regret it. no idea how to fix it.

Me too. I don’t talk to my father and have a strained relationship with my mother. It’s not fixable. I’m sad that my children will grow up with one side of the family. I have to work so hard every day to be a calm, empathetic, and consistent parent. It just doesn’t work all of the time. Trying every day to break the cycle of trauma.

Shutdown when dealing with tantrums. Like I just have to leave and can’t do any let’s talk about your feelings or whatever. I just go