I think we have the same husband…
My dad was always doing things around the house, my husband does nothing… I do all other house and yard work while he rests on the weekends.

LOL,

I had a patient complaining one time about his chronically angry wife and how to deal with her. Sounds miserable, right? Who wants to deal with that?

I asked for an example and he stated 'the leaking shower'... details were minimal so I repeatedly pulled on that thread, asking many questions (which was annoying him- I could tell- he really wanted to ramp up to being angry/complaining about the wife).

So the description of the shower leak was basically that it was no big deal/didn't need to be fixed because there was a simple 11 step process for exactly how to touch what part of the tap/pipe/diverter and exactly where to stand and where to put the bucket of water so some of the water would actually come out of the shower head aka 'pretty much fill the buck with water repeatedly and use that to dump water on your head'.....

My job is to listen, reflect, ask questions, offer alternate takes, and provide a safe place for people to set goals/communicate/build skills for same. But I couldn't do it. I dropped the 'how did that make you feel' shtick and simply told him to fix the damn thing even if it cost a few hundred. His eyes bulged and he went silent.

I gently explained that if he honestly wanted to shut her up/end the complaining/anger, he should think about what he does to make her life easier. He was certainly able to list plenty of things she did for HIM. I explained that this was not about the shower- even though it WAS about the shower- that sometimes feeling cared for is simply being a normal human who can walk in a bathroom and have a damn shower like a normal person without doing the hokey pokey because your husband is trying to save a dollar.

I told him to do it to shut her up and report back and there was no charge for the session just to give him a start. At the next appt- all good/no shower complaints/she was thrilled. I asked what else she complained about/let's get ahead of this.... he was able to make a list of deferred household items and I asked how much he was willing to pay to not have to hear about it again. He practically got tears in his eyes and said "thousands" (and this was a VERY cheap gentleman).

So he knocked them out bit by bit (I helped him prioritize based on work we've done in our homes- scope and cost). They were nutty things like the shower. I am sure there were more things he ignored but these were the ones he mentioned. That poor wife.

I felt like I really didn't do my job by the book there... but I did improve life for him and his wife. Sometimes it's hard to just listen.

Long story short- if he won't listen to reason/experts/a therapist/MD/RN etc, just ask if he needs YOU to take it off his plate. Set dates, get it done.

Move to a brick house with no carpets.

Anonymous wrote:Do we have the same DH? Mine does the exact same about basic maintenance, but his solution is to suggest we move. As if it's less of a headache, financial cost, etc to move that just get a new shower hose of whatever.

It's super weird too because his parents never do basic maintenance and their house has so many problems we stay in a hotel when we visit.

I don't get it, but in my case I left him have his moment and then 12 hours later we can discuss it like rationale human being.

+1

It is learned behavior. We did not have much, but the old house we grew up in was bought and cared for by my parents with their own hands. It was important to them that their house have basic maintenance, and not fall apart. Our house was not fancy, but it was maintained. I don't even think DH's dad so much as mowed the lawn, so DH thought houses took care of themselves, basically. DH first became annoyed, but is learning that it is okay to not live like a hoarder, and not have things falling apart. Now, DH seems to appreciate a calm life, instead of the chaos he sees when he visits his family.

Do we have the same DH? Mine does the exact same about basic maintenance, but his solution is to suggest we move. As if it's less of a headache, financial cost, etc to move that just get a new shower hose of whatever.

It's super weird too because his parents never do basic maintenance and their house has so many problems we stay in a hotel when we visit.

I don't get it, but in my case I left him have his moment and then 12 hours later we can discuss it like rationale human being.