Is grandma suspecting sex abuse?

Anonymous wrote:So H has no job, you are starting a business of some sort (which a team? Venture backed? In your basement? Consumer or business facing?
Your parents provide free childcare, clothes, toys and now have health wellness concerns about all of you.
They want to take kid to the pediatrician next time.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Haha, are you my mom? My parents have always treated us this way. When we both worked in finance and had tons of money. Before we even had kids (back then, it was concerns about our health, our jobs, our vacations, whatever).

They criticized me for not taking care of my health when I was in banking (too much screentime, not enough sleep). Then for giving up a big salary when I changed to a lower-paying and less intense job later. They criticized me for taking my kid on pretty standard domestic vacations "because I was risking her life" (long before covid). They criticized me for not becoming a SAHM after the first kid was born. They criticized me for stopping breastfeeding at 10 months. For taking kid on playdates (again before COVID). They have always questioned all my life choices, point out all the potential risks and negative consequences of every single thing I do, and then when I tell them it's hurtful and not ok, they say that they love me and worry for me and this is what being a good parent looks like.

The things they buy are a way of controlling and bullying us. I explain that I'd rather kid not have items XYZ (overly pink/girly items, loud toys, screens, etc), and they buy those items and give to the kid without telling me. I buy a winter jacket, they say it's not warm enough and buy another one. I buy and cook organic food for my family, they bring over their own baby food (which is full of sweeteners and less healthy) because they believe baby MUST have purees, not chunks of real food.

When I started the business, of course they criticized me for that too. Yes, I started without any backers. Within months, I had an investor who now covers all costs of running it. I have a team working for me and thousands of customers. I don't have enough to take a salary for myself, but I am confident within a year I could get there if only I had more time to work and real childcare. It's not the kind of business that's going to make us rich, but the idea is for it to provide a solid salary, comparable to what I was making before.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you don’t use her for “real” childcare - only on weekends to get some downtime? Since you don’t actually NEED her to watch the kids, I would put my foot down and decline her request. She’s way out of bounds.

Yeah, this is the part I don't get. The husband DOESN'T WORK but he can't watch the kids during the week. The wife "works" but it is a start-up not bringing in any money and no health insurance, and SHE needs a break on the weekends??? There is something going really wrong in this household and it isn't the grandparents.

OP here. My husband does the bulk of the childcare during the week. My parents help on some weekends (usually one day, sometimes overnight). They had also promised to watch kids for a week so we could have a vacation.

We have good health insurance. We are comfortably covering our bills from savings, we just don't have $40K/year for a nanny.

I'm not sure if I'm missing something here, but we have two young kids and it's really hard. They need to constantly be watched, they wake up at night. When I'm not working, I watch them, husband applies to jobs or cooks or does laundry. We are both on every single minute 13-14 hours/day (except bathroom breaks). We both did investment banking in the past, and this is harder. When one kid is napping or calmly playing, the other is awake. If they're both occupied, we need to make lunch or dinner or take out the trash or pay the bills. We try not to do too much screentime and we cook our own food (no separate meals for kids).

Maybe there's some parenting secret we haven't figured out since the youngest was born, but yes, we are both working really hard all day every day to keep up with running the startup (me), applying to jobs (husband), and kids/house (both of us). Obviously if our kids were older and in school, this would not be a problem, but that's a few years away.

Didn't read the whole thread, but google 'allergic shiners'. It's likely just allergies, which could also explain the chronic tiredness in the dad with the same circles. Unmanaged allergies are a beast and symptoms can vary.

As for the parents - maybe not having to deal with them would free up more energy and peace in your house, and make it easier to push through parenting your kids even under stress.

Nope. Your parents sound insane. The line they stepped over is way back in the distance over there....

If you allow your mom to do this, she will use it as leverage to overstep even more. "I talked to the doctor and she told me you had to do this [whatever insane thing your mom wants you to do]" And you have no comeback because you weren't even there, so you have no idea what the doctor said.

It's my kid, I take them to the doctor, I deal with their doctor directly. Not through grandparents who clearly have an agenda.

I would say something like this: "Mom, thanks for your concern. Unfortunately, they are only allowing one adult to bring in the kids for their appointment during COVID so only I can take them. I will definitely ask about the undereye circles. We would love to have you continue to watch the kids occasionally, but if you prefer not to, we understand."

Call her bluff.

"Thanks -- we'll just muddle through the week with the kids, then. Sorry you aren't able to let this one go, but I'm just not comfortable with you having that level of involvement in my kids' health care. We'll see you the next time we all come over but the kids won't be staying over any more."

Pm

First off: kid goes to bed ON TIME. Take light, take the books by a certain times 8:30pm, sleep. 7:30am if under age 7.

So H has no job, you are starting a business of some sort (which a team? Venture backed? In your basement? Consumer or business facing?
Your parents provide free childcare, clothes, toys and now have health wellness concerns about all of you.
They want to take kid to the pediatrician next time.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Anonymous wrote:So you don’t use her for “real” childcare - only on weekends to get some downtime? Since you don’t actually NEED her to watch the kids, I would put my foot down and decline her request. She’s way out of bounds.

Yeah, this is the part I don't get. The husband DOESN'T WORK but he can't watch the kids during the week. The wife "works" but it is a start-up not bringing in any money and no health insurance, and SHE needs a break on the weekends??? There is something going really wrong in this household and it isn't the grandparents.

Absolutely not. The level of complication that can be introduced to your life by your mother’s contact with your child’s doctor really will exhaust you.

Anonymous wrote:1. Only one parent and child for well visit (office rules)
2. HIPPA law
3. Ask doc question or not and report back to grandma, "DD is voraciously reading way past her bedtime, but she's reading so well thanks to all those books you've shared with her. Thanks mom, see you Saturday!"

Good luck with your startup OP. Keep grinding. Ignore the judgemental twits.

HIPPA doesn’t apply here. Mom can give doctor permission to share medical information with anyone she wants to. If she brings a stranger off the street to a medical appointment and allows that person to ask medical questions about her child, the doctor can answer them.

1. Only one parent and child for well visit (office rules)
2. HIPPA law
3. Ask doc question or not and report back to grandma, "DD is voraciously reading way past her bedtime, but she's reading so well thanks to all those books you've shared with her. Thanks mom, see you Saturday!"

Good luck with your startup OP. Keep grinding. Ignore the judgemental twits.

Tell her nope. She will back down. She is not going to give up her time with her grandkids. She has no leverage, she’s bluffing you. You need to stand up to her now and have boundaries or it will get bad fast.