Nothing should be "drama". It's communicating. These are people you love and who love you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are paying for the wedding, you shouldn't put it on your kids to invite your friends. It's their wedding, about them, not you. Even if you are paying, it's a fast way into Monster-In-Law to try and stack the guest list.

To answer your question - your kids are inviting their friends and extended family who they want to their wedding(s). YOU aren't inviting anyone, unless your kids also want them there.

Hold on a second! You all are telling me your parents did not invite their friends and your relatives to your wedding?

Maybe, it's because I met DH when I was 19 and we got married when we were 23 but both of our parents invited their relatives, some friends of theirs and we invited our friends as well. Maybe we were too young to know but half of my family tree was there, some who I had never met before. This is mind blowing!

PP here. No, I invited my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) who I had a relationship with, I invited some family friends (parents friends) who have been important in my life, but we had a firm rule that we did not invite anyone who we did not know, and parents didn't get to invite them either. I don't plan on asking my children to invite strangers either, and frankly I would feel uncomfortable attending a wedding that my DH and I did not know either the bride or groom.

Anonymous wrote:This is how I feel. I'd be so sad if my child didn't want to include all the people who helped raise him. If I'm paying for the extra expense, why would they refuse?

Not every parent is inviting people who “helped raise” their children. My parents wanted to invite people my sister barely knew to her wedding. I avoided this drama by eloping.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are paying for the wedding, you shouldn't put it on your kids to invite your friends. It's their wedding, about them, not you. Even if you are paying, it's a fast way into Monster-In-Law to try and stack the guest list.

To answer your question - your kids are inviting their friends and extended family who they want to their wedding(s). YOU aren't inviting anyone, unless your kids also want them there.

Hold on a second! You all are telling me your parents did not invite their friends and your relatives to your wedding?

Maybe, it's because I met DH when I was 19 and we got married when we were 23 but both of our parents invited their relatives, some friends of theirs and we invited our friends as well. Maybe we were too young to know but half of my family tree was there, some who I had never met before. This is mind blowing!

Got married in our mid thirties, definitely WE paid for the whole thing, and WE picked all the guests. None of parents friends were invited.

This is how I feel. I'd be so sad if my child didn't want to include all the people who helped raise him. If I'm paying for the extra expense, why would they refuse?

Anonymous wrote:This thread cracks me up. We are planning a wedding for our daughter this fall. My daughter is doing most of the planning, we - her parents - are paying for the wedding.
We are inviting friends as are the groom's parents. A wedding is an opportunity for family - and friends - to wish the couple well. It is a chance for friends to celebrate the union.

Everyone's wedding is different. For some, it is only for the bride's and groom's friends. For others, it is a more family celebration.
OP - your children will make friends in school, in college - if they go, and at work. If your children are anything like my children, there will be no shortage of guests. The problem will be deciding who NOT to invite.

Agree. My DD was married a couple of years ago. We paid for the wedding. The guests were a mix of the bride and groom's friends (school, college, work), family, and family friends. The family friends we included were all people who knew the bride and/or groom well, in many cases since birth. This included a handful of our friends from high school and college but also parents of the bride and groom's friends who they were close to. They actually put together the guest list and we added/subtracted a person or two but otherwise it was the people they wanted to share the day with.

Why does every response to this thread have to be some version of rude?

There are a million ways to have a wedding. Sometimes they're huge events celebrating the extended family. Sometimes, it's five people at a courthouse. I've seen both and I'm not convinced either has the superiority that posters here seem so assured of.

Parents aren't obligated to pay for a huge wedding. And if they do, it's not unreasonable that they have some requests, particularly something innocuous as a handful of guests that they bride(s)/groom(s) will likely barely interact with. If you want to crowbar 50 friends into 120 person venue, then it's a different sort of thing. But everyone should try to be gracious and respectful that different groups might do things differently. Some social circles would view it as a real slight to not be invited to the wedding of a close friend's child.

If you just want to give some money and not be involved, that can be nice too, but it's not like that can't send the wrong message as well. I was in a bridal party with a bride that was more than a little hurt that the family wasn't all that interested in participating in the wedding. Her parents were divorced, not amicably and both didn't want anything more than to write a check and show up.

In answer, to OP's question: this will sort itself out when the time comes, but of course there will be other places for you to develop a social circle as your child ages, through your kid's activities, neighborhood groups, work, or your own hobbies. If you don't have this and want it, leave the DCUM craziness and find some real people in the real world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are paying for the wedding, you shouldn't put it on your kids to invite your friends. It's their wedding, about them, not you. Even if you are paying, it's a fast way into Monster-In-Law to try and stack the guest list.

To answer your question - your kids are inviting their friends and extended family who they want to their wedding(s). YOU aren't inviting anyone, unless your kids also want them there.

Hold on a second! You all are telling me your parents did not invite their friends and your relatives to your wedding?

Maybe, it's because I met DH when I was 19 and we got married when we were 23 but both of our parents invited their relatives, some friends of theirs and we invited our friends as well. Maybe we were too young to know but half of my family tree was there, some who I had never met before. This is mind blowing!

Your parents relatives are also your relatives. Yes, most people invite their own families (how extended varies greatly) to the wedding. Totally different than inviting parent's friends who the kids barely know.

Anonymous wrote:I will encourage elopement. Weddings are a huge waste of money. I’d gladly pay for a nice honeymoon and a down payment a down payment for a starter home.

+1000 never understood how you can spend so much money on one day that you could have used for a house, I will absolutely encourage elopement.

We gave each of our parents 4 guests of their choice

Anonymous wrote:This thread cracks me up. We are planning a wedding for our daughter this fall. My daughter is doing most of the planning, we - her parents - are paying for the wedding.
We are inviting friends as are the groom's parents. A wedding is an opportunity for family - and friends - to wish the couple well. It is a chance for friends to celebrate the union.

Everyone's wedding is different. For some, it is only for the bride's and groom's friends. For others, it is a more family celebration.
OP - your children will make friends in school, in college - if they go, and at work. If your children are anything like my children, there will be no shortage of guests. The problem will be deciding who NOT to invite.

This is how I hope my daughter's wedding will be (if she gets married, she's 14). If she or her fiance feel strongly that it should play out another way, we'll of course do that. But we have friends (about 15 couples, plus their kids) that have known her since she was born - people who met her before out out-of-town parents did, who came to the hospital when she had surgery at 3, who we've vacationed and celebrated with over the years, who have loved her her entire life. She calls many of them aunt and uncle, and their kids her cousins; she's closer to many of them than she is to her blood aunts/uncle/cousins. Some are our friends from high school and college, some are the parents friends that she's made. They are her village, and in a very real sense, her family. She cares for them deeply, and it's hard for me to believe that she wouldn't want them there. But again, she's 14, who knows if she'll even get married, and how she'll feel when she does.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will encourage elopement. Weddings are a huge waste of money. I’d gladly pay for a nice honeymoon and a down payment a down payment for a starter home.

We’re thinking: “Congrats on your engagement! Here’s $100,000.” End scene.

Same

Agree. They can throw a bash and blow it or put it down on a house or something in between. Their choice

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will encourage elopement. Weddings are a huge waste of money. I’d gladly pay for a nice honeymoon and a down payment a down payment for a starter home.

We’re thinking: “Congrats on your engagement! Here’s $100,000.” End scene.

Same

I'd worry more about not having friends - not about not having friends to invite to a wedding.

I got married nearly 2 years ago, our parents didn't pay for it, but we gladly allowed them to invite a handful of their friends , they were our guests and wanted them to be happy. We still had under 100 guests.