Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 19:08     Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
OP, what kind of work do you do?

I am also a mom with a heavy duty job - I am a partner at a firm. I have two kids, age 4 and 7. Some weeks I work 30h/week and other weeks I am more at 55. Your hours are significant.

Agree you need to take your husband at his work.

I think it’s fine to work like this for a few years and make your cushion. But these hours are intense and you can’t keep them up. You are going to burn out.

Also, agree on cleaning service, gets meals delivered, if you’re worried about your husband then get childcare on the weekends.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 19:05     Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What do you want to do, OP? Earning 400k, living in Manhattan, and seeing your baby only 2 hrs a day is a choice. For some people that would be extreme and unlivable. If you want it, I suppose you must have a reason why.

Personally I think the marriage is the least of your troubles now, though I see why you are concerned as this lifestyle can’t offer much time for connection. Are you happy with how you’re living?



I think the marriage will be affected negatively.

However, with regard to the baby, I see him all weekend and 2 hours per day on weekdays because he goes to bed at 7 pm. How much do you guys see the baby on a weekday? There’s another poster who sees the baby 3 hours per day and she was not criticized for that.


Are we only supposed to have babies if we work 10-3? Aren’t there more parents who have their kids in daycare 8-6?


PS I am PP of the 45 hr schedule. My mom was SAH and wished she could have had a career. My MIL worked like you. Had an outstandingly successful career, and also some issues connecting with the kids. For women it is very much dammed if you do damned if you don’t. But that’s why I am saying, think carefully about your own emotional needs. The modern world is full of opportunities but also confusing. If it wasn’t about the money, what would you do? You obviously have some options to rearrange your life in ways that would give you more family time without totally giving up your career.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 18:40     Subject: Re:Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here - here's my schedule to avoid comments that I ignore my child:

M-Thurs - work 6-7,8-6,8-10 -- 13 hours.

Fri - I finish work at 5 to spend more time with baby. Login again for a couple of hours

Weekends - work 7-10 am and 7-10 pm both days. In between I spend time with baby.

That adds up to 65 hours but still spend a good chunk of time with baby, yes, not like a parent with a PT job, but still like most other parents work 45 hours per week.


I worked 45 hours a week but my schedule was more like 9-4, 8-10 on weekdays and weekends off for family time. I WAH the first year of my babies’ life with a nanny and nursed them on my breaks. With their nap schedule they were awake with the nanny for ~3 hrs when not feeding, and the rest of the time with me or their dad. I could see them when they first crawled, first ate solids, first clapped... their first word was mama and often the first face when they woke up from a nap was mine for feeding.

I am not someone who thinks you need to be with your baby 24/7 to bond with them but it seems to me that if they don’t see you most of the day and you miss their milestones, it’s hard on both of you. I was lucky to have the flexibility, and even then I do feel like with my first my mind was a little more occupied with juggling than would have been ideal. I did not have the option of pausing and I knew if I could push through there would be a lot of benefits. By the time my second came I was senior enough to really flex my schedule and that has allowed me to be even more available. These early years fly by. When your child is 6 and off to school, you’ll wonder where the time went. It just goes by very fast so whatever you do make sure you’ll have no regrets.


Yes I am afraid of that too.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 18:35     Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for your husband and baby. You sound like an absolutely miserable person to be married to. No wonder your Dh just says everything is fine. If your responses to posters here are any indication of how you handle someone not agreeing with you, he probably just doesn't find it worth it to tell you he's unhappy.


OP here: the only thing I pushed back is that I ignore the baby.

The rest, I agree with some of the other comments that working so many hours is a choice and that it's in my power to change.

Yes, I agree with you, it's probab;y bad for my marriage. I am not ignoring my child, but I am ignoring my husband.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 18:34     Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:How exactly does one “coordinate milestones and educational opportunities” for a baby? And what does it mean to “research food”?

Just stop with the make-work pretension and spend more time with your kid.


My husband will not research or plan or prepare solid food for the baby. I do that. Yes, it's not rocket science but it take a bit of time. Or finding a baby music class, etc. That's what I mean.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 18:30     Subject: Re:Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:OP here - here's my schedule to avoid comments that I ignore my child:

M-Thurs - work 6-7,8-6,8-10 -- 13 hours.

Fri - I finish work at 5 to spend more time with baby. Login again for a couple of hours

Weekends - work 7-10 am and 7-10 pm both days. In between I spend time with baby.

That adds up to 65 hours but still spend a good chunk of time with baby, yes, not like a parent with a PT job, but still like most other parents work 45 hours per week.


I worked 45 hours a week but my schedule was more like 9-4, 8-10 on weekdays and weekends off for family time. I WAH the first year of my babies’ life with a nanny and nursed them on my breaks. With their nap schedule they were awake with the nanny for ~3 hrs when not feeding, and the rest of the time with me or their dad. I could see them when they first crawled, first ate solids, first clapped... their first word was mama and often the first face when they woke up from a nap was mine for feeding.

I am not someone who thinks you need to be with your baby 24/7 to bond with them but it seems to me that if they don’t see you most of the day and you miss their milestones, it’s hard on both of you. I was lucky to have the flexibility, and even then I do feel like with my first my mind was a little more occupied with juggling than would have been ideal. I did not have the option of pausing and I knew if I could push through there would be a lot of benefits. By the time my second came I was senior enough to really flex my schedule and that has allowed me to be even more available. These early years fly by. When your child is 6 and off to school, you’ll wonder where the time went. It just goes by very fast so whatever you do make sure you’ll have no regrets.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 18:30     Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
How exactly does one “coordinate milestones and educational opportunities” for a baby? And what does it mean to “research food”?

Just stop with the make-work pretension and spend more time with your kid.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 18:27     Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
I feel so bad for your husband and baby. You sound like an absolutely miserable person to be married to. No wonder your Dh just says everything is fine. If your responses to posters here are any indication of how you handle someone not agreeing with you, he probably just doesn't find it worth it to tell you he's unhappy.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 18:25     Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:I’m calling troll.


Oh for sure. All OP does is argue. If she's real.....yikes.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 18:20     Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Are you intentionally trying to be a brat? I mean you just argue with everyone who says something you don't like. It seems pretty clear you don't want any actual advice and just want people to agree with you. Make sure you set money aside for a divorce, because that's where you're headed in a few years.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 18:19     Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:What do you want to do, OP? Earning 400k, living in Manhattan, and seeing your baby only 2 hrs a day is a choice. For some people that would be extreme and unlivable. If you want it, I suppose you must have a reason why.

Personally I think the marriage is the least of your troubles now, though I see why you are concerned as this lifestyle can’t offer much time for connection. Are you happy with how you’re living?



I think the marriage will be affected negatively.

However, with regard to the baby, I see him all weekend and 2 hours per day on weekdays because he goes to bed at 7 pm. How much do you guys see the baby on a weekday? There’s another poster who sees the baby 3 hours per day and she was not criticized for that.


Are we only supposed to have babies if we work 10-3? Aren’t there more parents who have their kids in daycare 8-6?
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 18:16     Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
I’m calling troll.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 18:15     Subject: Re:Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Anonymous wrote:OP here: as I mention, I do spend time with the baby. I basically don't do anything else for me - no TV, no movies, no exercise, maybe 15 mins of internet browsing per day.



I never do anything for me either. Welcome to parenting. Why did you think you would? You have a baby, not a teenager.
Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 18:13     Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
What do you want to do, OP? Earning 400k, living in Manhattan, and seeing your baby only 2 hrs a day is a choice. For some people that would be extreme and unlivable. If you want it, I suppose you must have a reason why.

Personally I think the marriage is the least of your troubles now, though I see why you are concerned as this lifestyle can’t offer much time for connection. Are you happy with how you’re living?

Anonymous
Post 03/28/2021 18:08     Subject: Work 65+hour weeks + young baby
Don't be surprised when your marriage falls apart. Though you don't seem to care you have no time to spend with DH. I can't tell if you're stupid or naive.