"So it has me thinking: what are you committing to when you have kids?

I don't want to be like my parents, so when I chose to become a parent..."

I recommend committing to not committing to things, because actually becoming a parent can radically change your ideas about what parenting involves. Doubly so, since the children themselves are so very different in terms of their wants, needs, and personalities.

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I committed to
- working on our marriage and giving a well functioning home life and a warm loving family to our kids. We waited for a long time before having kids.
- being healthy for our children, being frugal for our finances, being present to give them security
- prioritizing their education, sitting with them each evening to help with homework, reading to them, supporting them according to their needs and ability.
- creating a network of family and friends. Giving time to these various relationships so that my kids have people who look out for them.
- guiding them in their interests, dreams, hobbies, abilities, education, career
- helping them by paying for college and further education so they do not have student debt
- helping them with whatever we can afford to give them = wedding, car, downpayment. Letting them live with us for as long as they need to.
- helping their spouses and children - babysitting, education, support.
- being self-sufficient as far as finances are concerned so that they do not have to be burdened if they have to take care of us.
- treating both kids equally and fairly. Loving whoever they choose to marry and respecting them. Being equal in loving grandkids.
- dividing property equally.

Yes. This is what my parents did for me and what I intend to do for my kids.

Financially, I plan to help them until they graduate from undergrad.

If they choose to go to grad school, I'd expect them to take that on, but I'd help if I could.
I had a full ride to grad school, as did my spouse.

Weddings-I'd offer a large enough gift that the couple could put it towards the party of use it for other expenses, if that is meant to be.

I plan to work until 2nd kid is done with college and then re-assess where we are. My DH's salary keeps the roof over our head. Mine covers tuition (X2), travel, fun & extracurriculars.

Anonymous wrote:This seems like such a rich white person question to ask.

If you don’t like rich people then you are on the wrong site. If you don’t like white people then you are a racist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for a car at 16, college at an expensive private school, fancy wedding, and helped with our first downpayment. I am still incredibly hardworking and motivated, never quit to SAH, plan to be active in my profession, extended family, and community foe as long as I can. If my kids turn out equally hardworking and motivated, I will have no problem helping them with all of those “extras”.

You’re still insecure enough to crap on SAHMs. Model better behavior for your kids.

My 18 year old DS thanked me just the other day for staying at home with he and his two siblings throughout childhood. Nothing feels better than that and it removed all my guilt from not working outside the home. He is hardworking and appreciative.

My son thanked me for not. I could go into why but you will take it personally or say I’m crapping on SAHMs.

Maybe your decision was good for you and mine was good for me and it’s as simple as that.

So, why take a dig at a SAHM. Really no need or you are insecure about it.

No insecurity. I consider SAHM-ing a form of giving up. It’s not for me. If it’s for you, great. You might think I’m giving up because I order groceries instead of going in person or something.

Also, why do SAHM automatically think WOHM don’t spend time with their kids? Many of us are able to balance things, and have adult spouses who are able to manage things when we’re not around.

A lot of people on this website have/had high stress jobs with long hours and so do their partners. They can’t really imagine WOH and leaving at 4 or 5 pm every day, and taking off two days every week. They also don’t have a spouse who is home at regular or predictable times. .

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for a car at 16, college at an expensive private school, fancy wedding, and helped with our first downpayment. I am still incredibly hardworking and motivated, never quit to SAH, plan to be active in my profession, extended family, and community foe as long as I can. If my kids turn out equally hardworking and motivated, I will have no problem helping them with all of those “extras”.

You’re still insecure enough to crap on SAHMs. Model better behavior for your kids.

My 18 year old DS thanked me just the other day for staying at home with he and his two siblings throughout childhood. Nothing feels better than that and it removed all my guilt from not working outside the home. He is hardworking and appreciative.

My son thanked me for not. I could go into why but you will take it personally or say I’m crapping on SAHMs.

Maybe your decision was good for you and mine was good for me and it’s as simple as that.

So, why take a dig at a SAHM. Really no need or you are insecure about it.

No insecurity. I consider SAHM-ing a form of giving up. It’s not for me. If it’s for you, great. You might think I’m giving up because I order groceries instead of going in person or something.

Also, why do SAHM automatically think WOHM don’t spend time with their kids? Many of us are able to balance things, and have adult spouses who are able to manage things when we’re not around.

Commitment before becoming a parent:
Love
Education
Whatever else I can help with finances allowed

Now that I am a parent:
I have a child with a chronic illness that could take his life at any time
So I signed up for driving or flying anywhere in the country if he lands in the hospital. I've signed up for being his monitoring buddy, calling him in the middle of the night or calling EMS on him should he ever need it or until he has a partner that becomes his backup.

I may have to provide financial support for his life-sustaining medications should he ever lose his job.

Very different than I EVER imagined!

This seems like such a rich white person question to ask.

As an immigrant, I came to this country with really nothing, but was young, motivated and hard working. My parents had 5 children, therefore it was impossible to give children any kind of good life. I left the house as soon as I finished 2 years of college education after high school in my country. For a young girl back in 1990s, there were no jobs in my country, so I knew I had to go abroad. I was incredibly lucky to come to this country. I worked my way up, finished college here, got a good paying job 80-110K per year and married an American who was not rich, but responsible with his money and had no debt. I got nothing from my parents past my 20 years. I have a young child now and recently we upgraded to a nicer neighborhood and moved to a bigger house. I don't know what the future will be for my child, but I hope that we could all live in the same house together ( house is paid off); this way my daughter would not have to worry about buying a house. I know that in this country, adult kids don't often live together with parents, but in my country and many parts of the world, this is not a big deal to live together. I'm doing a lot of things to give my child a leg up and better opportunities in life than I had. She will never understand how hard I worked to make it in this country. I just hope she will grow into a decent human being and be kind to us parents as we grow older. I do have an UTMA account set up for our child, college fund as well. I figured, my child already has so many advantages:
- she was born in this country- so no need to go through immigration process that took me years
- she knows English- unlike my English ( that will never be perfect)
- she will already have our house if she wants to
- she lives in a great metropolitan DC area with plenty of jobs and opportunities ( unlike me coming from rural place in the middle of nowhere)
- she can start working or studying early on etc.
I also plan to show her the world through travelling; and show her my country where I came from, so she has some understanding how incredibly lucky she is.
I plan to cook, babysit and do similar things to help her out if needed in the future.

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn’t your question, but I feel like my entire life revolves around my children sometimes, and I’m not sure that I expected this kind of a commitment. When people ask me how much it costs to raise kids, I answer “all of your money.”
Almost every financial decision we make from what car to drive to where to live to what kinds of work we do is done with the kids in mind and would likely be vastly different if we didn’t have them.

Do I feel like I owe it to them? No. Not really. I do it because I love them and want the best for them.

Same same same! Though I think the part that surprised me was not all of the money, but all of the time (as in hours). I have moved into a career that allows me to finish at 5pm (vs my 24/7 old career). I spend my Saturdays at their soccer games. Etc etc. It's ... ALL my time. Even dates with my husband have a very specific start and stop time due to babysitters (no family help). Oh and that's another thing I didn't understand -- couldn't have, really -- before having kids: The enormous leg up had by people with even just one helpful and functional extended family member.

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I committed to
- working on our marriage and giving a well functioning home life and a warm loving family to our kids. We waited for a long time before having kids.
- being healthy for our children, being frugal for our finances, being present to give them security
- prioritizing their education, sitting with them each evening to help with homework, reading to them, supporting them according to their needs and ability.
- creating a network of family and friends. Giving time to these various relationships so that my kids have people who look out for them.
- guiding them in their interests, dreams, hobbies, abilities, education, career
- helping them by paying for college and further education so they do not have student debt
- helping them with whatever we can afford to give them - wedding, car, down payment. Letting them live with us for as long as they need to.
- helping their spouses and children - babysitting, education, support.
- being self-sufficient as far as finances are concerned so that they do not have to be burdened if they have to take care of us.
- treating both kids equally and fairly. Loving whoever they choose to marry and respecting them. Being equal in loving grandkids.
- dividing property equally.

Ups and downs happen in life but you can still choose to make your home a haven for your children. You can still be kind to each other. Be a loving family and that is what your children want from you. Grow as a human being and show compassion for all creatures.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH offered to pay for college tuition in exchange for his ex-wife forgoing alimony. Both kids dropped out of college, now work dead-end jobs and harrass us to babysit their kids. NO, NO, and NO.

Wow! So this was ex-wife's children, or were these your DH's biological kids? I cannot imagine what a POS human your DS is if he crapped on his own kids. No. No and No.

What, he paid for the college but kids choose to drop out. He cannot force them to go to college. Why would you say that? He would have paid if the kids remained in school.

Because it was either pay alimony or pay for the college. He should have done both. He is a crap father and a crap human. You are welcome to him.